Fucked up reality show alert! A casting notice has gone out for what sounds like the one of the most desperate, offensive, insane and despicable reality pieces of trash to hit our TV screens in a long time. Basically, it’s going to be the greatest reality show ever. Here’s the breakdown:

New reality show seeking female celebrity who wants to have a baby but does not have a man in her life. Multiple episode show for major cable network will help her find the ideal sperm donor and then get pregnant. Process will include the finest fertility doctors. All inquiries will be kept private and confidential.

What bitch is willing to get turkey basted on a reality show for a little fame? Holly Madison?! Wait….Wait…. This is just the break that international supermodel Phoebe Price needs to jump into the hearts of every household in America!

Good Morning. Watch Rodney King barf out of a truck in the trailer for Celebrity Rehab 2!! Hey, Conway and The Busey are in it! – Vh1 Blog

What is really wrong with Janet Jackson? – Celebitchy

Brit needs to stay away from cars – Mollygood

The Olsen Trolls don’t even know Fishsticks is alive – A Socialite’s Life

Does Angie Jo even have a tummy to tuck? – Popbytes

“Take on Me” – Literally – Holy Moly!

Mischa Barton needs to look in the mirror – ICYDK

The name of Lily Allen’s next album is… – I’m Not Obsessed

Who the fuckity fuck does Cameron Diaz think she’s messing with?! Skank needs to turn her pizza face around and keep walking before that hot bitch throws down her blue cup and handles business. That office lady bitch looks like she doesn’t give a hell if she’s fired from her administrative assistant job for beating that fugly ass Cameron! It would be worth it.

Cameron knew what was up and she quickly backed down and kept walking. That’s right, bitch! Offices bitches are looking for a reason to take out their stress on you! That lady’s boss probably cursed her out that day and she was aching to let it all out. Hopefully, Cameron learned her place and she won’t try that dumb shit again.

Last month, cops found meth in the home of Ryan O’Neal. Both Ryan and his 23-year-old son Redmond were arrested. No charges have been filed against them yet.

Yesterday in court, Redmond told a judge that he had relapsed and wanted help. The judge sentenced him to two weeks in rehab. The judge said, “You’re a stand-up guy to come here and deal with your problem. I want you to stay clean…You better stay clean or the hammer is going to fall.”

Let’s see, Redmond was already on probation for DUI and meth possession, but a judge just sentenced him to two weeks in rehab?! I’m going to have to quote Tammy from the Real World: Los Angeles again, “It wasn’t not funny!” No, it was not. If you or I got caught with meth, we’d be doing ass-to-mouth in the slammer right now! Our assholes would be held together with masking tape from being passed around so much.

The judge should have thrown all of them in jail. Redmond, Ryan and Tatum! Redmond will be released from rehab in two weeks and he will hop directly back on the meth train. Trust.

That being said, Redmond is a wittle hot, right? Well, you know how I feel about the ginges. I gots gingah fevah!

Don’t you wonder what his carrot stick looks like? It’s probably a little soggy from all the meth use, but I’m sure it has potential.

Jason Priestley recently said that he doubts he would be back on the new “90210” show as Brandon Walsh and he’s kept his promise. Jason will be part of “90210” but not as Brandon. He’s agreed to direct the show’s 18th episode, so he’ll be behind the camera the entire time.

I’m fine with this. Brandon was never one of my favorites. He was always so fucking judgmental! He would ride in on his lemon meringue Mustang and get on Brenda’s case for the stupidest reasons. He was a fun killer in every way. He is only allowed back on the show if he brings Emily Valentine’s crazy ass with him. I always hated her, but she earned points with me when she tried to burn down the float!

Brandon will not be back onscreen, but Brenda will! Maybe. The Ausiello Files reports that Brenda is in talks to come back for two more episodes. A source said that the deal isn’t done yet, but it’s totally happening.

Brenda’s last episode on “90210” was a total let down. Brenda can’t leave without delivering an epic beat down on Kelly. I thought it was going to happen when that annoying twat Kelly accused Brenda of trying to steal Dylan. Kelly fails to realize that Brenda tapped that ass before she did. Like she wants that shit again!

And I can’t talk about Emily Valentine without including the scene where Dr. Brenda Walsh counsels her. Brenda really does have a caring heart.

82-year-old Hugh Hefner has confirmed to E!’s Marc Malkin that his fairytale romance with Holly Madison has ended its run. I’m sure he also confirmed to Marc that he just went doody in his undies, but that’s another issue!

Hef said, “If she says it’s over, it’s over. But like I’ve said before, she is the love of my life, and I expected to spend the rest of my life with her.” Um….so they would have been together for six more months? I kid! Hef is going to live forever. The future of Viagra depends on it.

The Playboy pepaw popped a Werther’s Original in his mouth and said the relationship started to go downhill six months ago after they found out he isn’t able to father another child. He said, “With my sperm count, it’s not possible. I was willing but it was not possible…She’d like to be married and have children, but it’s not in the cards here for me.”

Yeah, when your sperm count is in the negative digits, you’re probably not going to be able to get the job done.

Hef said that his relationship with Kendra will be ending when she moves out of the house by the end of the year. He didn’t say anything about Bridget, because let’s be honest, she doesn’t matter. She probably moved out a while ago and he didn’t even notice! Gizmo needs to stay, though.

There are new skanks in the mansion. Hef has moved in 19-year-old orange twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon (above). He said, “They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends.”

I know these twin whores are the color of Hef’s favorite drink, Metamucil, but this is ridiculous. They look like two week-old Halloween pumpkins who really need to be kicked into the middle of the street. If Hef has an orange fetish, he should just stick his shriveled turtle dick into a tangerine. Less hassle.

And there’s also one other chick who will be sucking on Hef’s dough dick very soon. Amy Leigh Andrews is testing this week and he said she will likely become one of his girlfriends too. “I’m dancing as fast as I can.”

When Hef dances, medics have to stand by.

It’s the end of an era! Hef’s new girlfriends are a little on the old side, though. I guess there weren’t any sexy unborn fetuses available.