Mario Lopez (35)
Chiaki Kuriyama (24)
Mya (29)
Jodi Lyn O’Keefe (30)
Dale Earnhardt Jr. (34)
Amy Ryan (35)
Bai Ling (38)
Brett Favre (39)
Rebecca Pidgeon (45)
Martin Kemp (47)
Jodi Benson (47)
Bradley Whitford (49)
Julia Sweeney (49)
Tanya Tucker (50)
David Lee Roth (54)
Ben Vereen (62)
Peter Coyote (67)

It’s bad enough that I’m forced (yes, forced) to watch Mop Head’s fugly ass on DWTS twice a week, but now I have to listen to her bitch and moan about being called a fat ass. I’ve got news, bitch. You are FAT! Fat in the hair!

CHERYL BURKE is boo-hooing about being called a lard butt by bloggers. Don’t you even look my way. I never called this slag “fat.” I might have said that her back fat could feed a small nation or that when she rubs her thighs together butter is made, but I never called her fat. The dumb ho is talking about somebody else.

Mop Head opened up her mouth and said, “I want kids or women out there to realize you don’t have to be anorexic to be beautiful. There’s a lot of pressure living this Hollywood life. People expect to see you at a certain weight and when you gain a few pounds then all of a sudden it’s the talk of the week. People will always have an opinion about you, whether it’s good or it’s bad. But most important is to have a secure feeling about yourself and know that you’re beautiful regardless of what people think of you. When I was younger, I wasn’t stick thin. I wasn’t tall. I don’t have long legs. I wasn’t naturally skinny. As I grew older, I just became more comfortable in my own skin.”

Talk of the week? The only douche talking about this is CHERYL BURKE. And I want to tell the kids and women out there that you are beautiful unless your name is CHERYL BURKE!

Below is pictures from this past July of Mop Head annoying the sea creatures of Malibu.

Bianca Golden has already told her side of the twig vs. fat airport fight in the Turks and Caicos on July 30th. Bianca told Ty Ty Banks that Tracy Turnblad kicked her mommy in the vagina. Nikki Blonsky tells People that her foot never touched that lady’s cooze.

Nikki’s version of the story is the opposite of Bianca’s, of course. Nikki claims Bianca’s family got all angry and shit because people were saving seats. Nikki went on to say that it turned physical when she asked Bianca not to point her finger in her face. Nikki said, “That’s when she stood up, pulled her arm all the way back and said, ‘Fuck you, you white bitch.’ And she closed her fist and punched me.”

Conveniently, Nikki didn’t mention the little part about her daddy allegedly punching Bianca’s mom in the face.

Bianca has already responded to Nikki’s side of the story. She tells Inside Edition, “I witnessed Nikki Blonsky take her foot and kick my mom in her lower abdomen.”

Why don’t we just ask Bianca’s mommy’s chocha. The chocha cannot tell a lie. I’m not sure if I believe that Tracy Turnblad kicked anybody in the snatch. Now if you told me Nikki poured horsey sauce on the vagina and then gobbled it one bite, I’d believe you.

I don’t know why the bitches at Madam Tussaud’s even bothered making a wax statue of cover girl princess Zac Efron. Zac Efron IS a wax statute. They did however make him look like a creepy, slow, manchild with a busted cokey nose and a Clay Gayken wig on his head.

If you have a death wish and want to see this horrific creation for yourself, you better head to Madam Tussaud’s in London right now before Johnny Travolta buys it for his own personal use.

No, it’s not Santey Claus undercover at a biker bar. It’s Tater Head’s daddy Bruce Willis! Bruce has gone all natural and my genitals don’t know how to process it. It’s a little unabomber-ish for my tastes.

And silver dick bushes have always made me a bit nervous. Yeah, they’re shiny and happy, but that’s distracting while you’re yaffling the vanilla cannon.

Oh, fuck it! I’d hit it with a Donder costume on.

Here’s Sasquatch Brucie with one of his daughters and his girlfriend leaving Barney’s in Los Angeles yesterday. Is his girlfriend like 12-years-old? Seriously. She looks it.

Hearyee! Hearyee! All citizens of Los Angeles! A real member of gayelle royalty is in your midst! Don’t even give me any “Ellen and Portia live here” shit. Or “HoHan and SamRo are always lezzing around these parts” crap. Those generic clam chompers pale in comparison to Rojo Caliente and her ginge queen!

I’m tempted to get on the next glider out of this joint and head directly to the city of a thousand whores. Everything I love is there: In-N-Out, The Empress of Lucite, Chicken Cutlets, Knott’s Scary Farm, In-N-Out and now Rojo! That’s okay. I’ll just admire from a far. Besides, Rojo is coming back! Unless, she realized that she’s safer from me in L.A. than NYC. Say that ain’t so.

Here’s a few of the most beautiful gayelle in America with her “cranky in the face” lady wife. I think Rojo is probably texting the NYC police department to find out the status of her restraining order against me.