My arch rival CHERYL BURKE did something new with her mop head for her 70s themed dance with Maurice Green on “Dancing with the Has-Beens” last night. The bitch can tease, AquaNet or fry that shit, it’s still a mop head underneath! Even Maurice is looking at her like, “Damn. I want to mop my bathroom floor with this ho’s head.”

CHERYL BURKE’S fried mop head kind of gross me out, because you know that’s what her natural chocha weeds look like.

Unfortunately, I think Cheryl and her electrocuted mop head are going to stay tonight. I think Smirnoff Ice and Rocco are going to dance their asses off this shit show tonight. Rocco dances the way I used to when I was trying to act straight in the 6th grade (HA!). Rocco’s extremely gay on the inside and trying so hard not to be. You can tell he felt extra fancy in that blouse he was wearing last night. I screamed at the TV, “Dance, girl! Dance your homo heart out!” But Rocco didn’t hear me, because he was still as stiff as an erect 8-inch dick. Clip below (skip to 2:45):

The Shannon Sisters are the newest members of Hugh Hefner’s team of whores and last night they enjoyed just one of the perks of sucking on silly putty dick by attending some fashion show. I’m trying hard to like these twin sluts, but they’re making it hard.

This is the best look they could put together?

They look like two day-shift hookers who just emerged from a bush, where they were hiding from the cops. Those weaves probably came directly from Holly Madison’s trash can after being ran over by a semi-truck. The Shannon Sisters just brushed them off a bit and then attached that shit to their heads using Scotch tape.

I’d never say this shit to their faces though, because they’d hit me over the head with a bottle and jump me.

Now that the New Kids on the Block have reunited and are on tour, it’s time for some 90s bitches to get in on the action. Ace of Base has announced that they will put out a new album next year, along with a compilation of their greatest hits and a world tour. YES! I was an underground Ace of Base lover back in the day. I would lock myself in my room and play their shit along with La Bouche.

Now if only GAK will make a comeback. The things I could do with that shit now. Okay, enough gutter talk. Back to Swedish pop talk.

Above is a re-working of one of Ace of Base’s earlier tracks called “Whee of Fortune.” I lasted about 20 seconds before I turned it off and went to search my iTunes for their older crap. All That She Wants was the shit! You know, if she wanted another baby so bad, why didn’t she just use in vitro or adopt?

VIA Idolator

A bowl of cold oatmeal on the cover of Vogue – Popsugar

Sophie Monk with big panties on her head (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Anna Paquin doing sexy times with a 120-year-old hot vampire – IDLYITW

Kelly Brook is not a Fat Pig – Egotastic!

Jessica Simpson is a wreck – Just Jared

Ceiling Eyes goes skinny dipping – Hollywood Tuna

Holly Madison bowls for boobs – Hollywood Rag

New stills from “Milk” – Towleroad

Sharon Stone’s confusing camel toe. Ew – Cityrag

Posh doing her best Audrey Hepburn and failing – Lainey Gossip

When you used to be a child star and you no longer can get any roles and you’ve maxed out your reality show quota, the next thing for you to do is write a tell-all on how fucked up your life was when you were a kid. That’s what Marcia Brady has done! Maureen McCormick is whoring out her new book “Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice” and in it, she covers all the bases. Who knew being a Brady was so much fun?

Here’s some of the things Maureen fesses up to:

She had a coke and ludes addiction
She fucked for drugs
She dated Steve Martin and Jacko
She almost lost her cherry to Barry Williams
She had full on drug binges at the Playboy Mansion
She had two abortions
She battled bulimia

And more!

Maureen said she believes she was so messed up, because of Syphilis. Yes, Syphilis. She went on “Today” this morning and said the disease caused her grandmother to die inside of a mental hospital. A week later her grandfather killed himself. After that, her mother got Syphilis.

Okay, maybe being a Brady isn’t so fun after all….. She blames Syphilis, but I blame the fact that she touched tongues with Jacko. That will eff a bitch up.

Don Cheadle is a lovely man and skilled thespian. I thoroughly enjoyed his work as Ice Tray in “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” That being said, he is not worthy enough to replace Terrence Howard in “Iron Man 2.” That’s because, nobody is worthy enough. You just can’t replace The Howard.

According to The Hollywood Reporter (via CS), Don will play Col. James/War Machine opposite Robert Downey Jr. in the sequel. Terry Howard had the role in the first movie, but a deal couldn’t be reached. A source said it was over “over financial differences, among other reasons.”

You know what the “among other reasons” is. BABY WIPES! It’s a deal breaker for Terry, remember? He probably wanted it in his contract that all females on the set must be “baby wipes fresh” at all times when he is around. The producers should have given him whatever he wanted, because that shit show is going to tank without him. By “tank” I mean it’s going to make a gazillion dollars. That’s okay, Terry still has music career. Elevators will always need music.