Usually when I ask the age old question “Would You Hit It?“, I’m referring to a bitch with a dick. This has prompted some coochie lovers to write me and ask why I’m forgetting about them. Well, cooze lickers, this one’s one for you. Although, I’m not sure what’s really left of Tara Reid’s vaginal area. I think parts of it were removed to reconstruct her falling stomach. Her stomach still looks like Mischa Barton’s oatmeal thighs.

Unfortunately, I’m going to have to say that I would definitely not get with this shit. More for you! Don’t get me wrong, I would go lesbo for certain chicks, but this trick is not the one. I’d rather make out with a cold bowl of butterless grits.

Here’s Tara and her traumatized body parts aimlessly wandering around Miami yesterday.

Every hour there’s a new story about Guy and Vadge’s dirty divorce. You know Vadge is busting loads of panty pudding over all the publicity. She probably lays all the newspaper clippings out on the bed and rubs her roid-cooze all over them. Attention should be that bitch’s third husband. That marriage would last forever.

There’s a lot of stories and rumors out there, so I’m just going to break it down for you in list form. Lists make everything seem so dramatic. So do exclamation points, so I’ll throw lots of those in.

V cares more about her personal trainer than her own husband!!

V slathers her body in fancy creams and then covers herself in a plastic bodysuit every night!!

V completely controls the house including what they eat. Only macrobiotic shit! G had to drink his evening tea with rice milk! V doesn’t allow dairy or sugar in her house!

V doesn’t allow TV!!!!!!

When they went out to dinner at restaurants, V didn’t trust the chefs, so she usually just drank a glass of water!

V works on her fitness at least 2 hours a day including holidays!

V turned to full-on plastic surgery in order to look younger for G.

G is constantly cruel to V! He told her that she looks like a granny!

G has made V feel worthless, unattractive, unfeminine, insecure and isolated!!!

G told V that she sucks as an actress!

G would check out other hos in front of V. G would also make fun of her in front of their friends!

G wants Rocco to live with him in London! V wants all her children in NYC with her!!!!

G will get at least $40 million in the divorce as well as their London pub and the country estate!

Cue dramatic chipmunk! In addition to all these not-so-shocking claims, Guy’s old daddy is speaking out about Vadge calling his son “emotionally retarded” at a concert in Boston. 78-year-old John Ritchie tells The Daily Mail, ‘She is being beastly. She’s calling him an emotional retard. When he’s being bashed by her it’s horrid.”

Pepaw Ritchie better watch it. That beast can tear him into a million pieces with just one swipe from her titanium labia lips of death!

Click here, here and here if you want to read more about this shit. I’m sure 50 new rumors will pop up as soon as I hit publish.

Do you think that Posh’s feet weep anymore when they’re stuffed into her stiletto torture devices? I think there’s no more red tears for them to cry, so they have surrendered to her. You can feel their pain. They’re wincing in agony. One day, they’re going to quit that bitch and she’s going to end up on her bony ass. I hope that day is coming soon and there’s dozens of pappies around to document it.

Posh wore her heels fit for Naomi Campbell to dinner with her husband in London last night. Wearing those heels is just asking for a lawsuit. I would purposely run into that twig bitch so that her spiked heels could cut me up. The next time you would see me is on a commercial saying, “Larry. H Parker got me $2.1 million from Posh!”

And what about that bitch’s hair? Why must she insist on looking like a twink bottom from the 90s?

The world’s only living sun-dried tomato George Hamilton is out pimping his new memoir “Don’t Mind If I Do“and he confessed to the cackling hens of “The View” that he fucked his 28-year-old stepmother when he was just 12. There’s no reason to get upset about it. George says he was willing and it wasn’t wrong. That makes it okay!

George said, “When I was 12 I had a relationship with my stepmother. She was about 28, 30. My father never knew about it. It was very normal. She didn’t make me feel bad about it. It wasn’t dirty.” He went on to say, “I don’t think it warped me in my life. It went on for a short time and then, strangely enough, when I was an actor in Hollywood I met her again, she was as beautiful, and we had a sort of follow-up.”

It all started when George’s father was away and he was laying down in the living room of their apartment. His stepmother June Howard came in wearing a peignoir and laid down next to him. This fucked up bitch then told George she wanted to “cuddle” and this led to them doing illegal sexy times. George said, “What followed was as natural as the birds and bees neither of my parents had gotten around to telling me about.” Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him?!

During George’s lovely story, Joy Behar uncomfortably smiled and then let him know that he was molested. George flashed those Chiclets of his and laughed it off, saying, “Was I molested? Damn, I’m down for it again. But the bottom line is it didn’t feel abnormal.”

Molestation is fun according to George Hamilton! Ugh. I’m guessing that the reason George is so nonchalant about this fuckery has to do with the fact that his brains are probably like pieces of charbroiled bacon fat. It’s okay, George. Just go lay down in the sun some more. I’ll send someone around every hour on the hour to stick a meat thermometer in you to make sure you haven’t completely roasted.

Below is Georgie making all those bitches uncomfortable on “The View.” Skip to the 2-minute mark for the awkwardness and laughs.

Cholla the Painting Horse! – No, this isn’t a still from Sarah Jessica Parker’s new reality show about art. It’s Cholla the artiste! The Reno, NV artist will be making his international debut in an art competition in Italy beginning today through November 2nd. He’s already been featured in exhibits in San Francisco and New York. 23-year-old Cholla has been painting for 4 years, but his works of art sell for up to $2,200. That buys a shit load of hay and sugar cubes. Click here to read more on this hot bitch.

You know what would make Cholla even more perfect? If he dropped the extra “l” in his name and only painted with a Sharpie.

For pinkimartini

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