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Have you ever stared at a car wash vacuum cleaner and thought to yourself, “Damn. I want to stick that hose on my genitals and ride it like the dirty slut it is”? Yeah, me neither. But some 29-year-old dude from Michigan felt the urge to purge…..his load into a car wash vacuum hose.

Last Thursday, at around 6:45 in the morning, the police received a call about some suspicious nasty shit going down at a car wash in Thomas Township, Michigan. When officers drove up, they found a dude “receiving sexual favors from a vacuum.” Basically, the dude’s peen was down the hose’s throat.

Maybe he was just cleaning the dick cheese off? It’s a good thing the officers showed up when they did. I bet the dude was about to let the hose toss his salad. Bitch would’ve had had an orgasm, but he also would have lost an organ too.

The dude was arrested and is currently being held in the Saginaw County Jail. The dude’s name hasn’t been released. Wait. Was David Duchovny in Michigan recently?

You know, this is what pisses me off about some people. You think that you can just pop a quarter in a bitch and then have your way with it for 3-minutes? Have some decency! Do you think that car wash vacuum hose is your own personal whore? No, it’s not. At least take that bitch to a fancy dinner at Red Lobster. Conversate with it a little. Get to know it better. Then take it back to your place, give it some sexy Victoria’s Secret lingerie to wear, light some candles, play some Barry White, put a fresh bag in it and then seduce it to like a real gentleman should. Make it feel like the sensual dirt sucker it is.

I swear, some people have no class.

Source

Thanks BLB

Some of you drunk whores might still be hungover from your night of debauchery, so here’s a little Spaghetti Cat to make you feel better. Sip your second Prairie Oyster of the day and let Spaghetti Cat soothe your head.

SC made a return to “The Soup” this past week during a clip of “I Love Money.” I hope that hot pussy wore protection, because those bitch’s skank diseases are highly contagious.

Thanks Jayne

David Banda’s bio-daddy thinks that his son is living a life without love and tells The Sun that maybe he should be back with him in Africa instead of living in Vadge’s House of Pain.

David might not be living in a house filled with hugs and kisses, but he can eat all the soybeans he wants. Oh and there’s plenty of Kabbalah water too!

Yohane Banda said he’s disappointed that Vadge’s marriage tanked and doesn’t think his son is happy. Yohane got on his soap box and said, “I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he would be better off back with us. This woman Madonna told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take good care of him.”

Yohane lives with his wife, her 3-year-old daughter and their 7-month-old son. The Sun showed him a paparazzi picture of David and Vadge and Yohane responded, “He doesn’t look happy in this picture. He looks bewildered. If there is no love in the family, is there any love for him? This is a new and terrible thing to happen to him. I am too upset to think clearly. He is only three years old and he has been through so much.”

Translation: I am too upset to think about this…..but if she accidentally sent me a bag of money, I might feel a little less weepy.

He also claims Vadge promised to keep him updated about his son’s well-being and all that, but she hasn’t. Yohane said, “I thought she would take him away from the danger of malaria and other diseases that kill children here, and that she would let me know that he was happy. I have never heard from her since the day I agreed to let her adopt David. She has sent no photographs or news. I suppose she just wants him for herself.”

What the fuck did he expect? She’s Vadge! Not fucking Sally Struthers. I don’t know what to tell Yohane. He should know to never trust a muscle lady with a bad British accent!

And since we’re on the subject of muscle lady Vadge, the Mail on Sunday published some never-before-seen pictures of Vadge and Guy’s white (HA!) wedding. I’m surprised the crown isn’t bigger and Guy isn’t in handcuffs. I love the picture of him kissing her with his eyes open. He’s thinking, “What the fuck did I just do? And why do I no longer have any sensation in my nutsack area?”

“HOW SICK” is right.

Some sugar cube-eating tennis coach tells the Daily Mail that she has a very special relationship with David Duchovny. Get in line, horsey.

28-year-old Edit Pakay met David last year when she gave him tennis lessons at the Malibu Racquet Club. She said lessons led to them becoming close friends. She never came out and said “I gnawed on his skin carrot,” but it’s obvious that’s what she’s alluding to.

Edit said, “We have a very, very close friendship. I don’t want to be the third person in the marriage but I know it can be seen that way. David and I are very close friends and we still play tennis together. He’s an excellent player. He likes physically strong, fit women. He is in great shape. He is a wonderful man. He’s a very intelligent, very kind and good man.”

When asked if her and David are licking each other’s teeth, she said, “I don’t want to say anything that might hurt David. I am not going to deny it. I don’t know what our relationship means to him.”

Mare, please! Just come out and say that David made you “neeeeeeeeigh” like no other man could.

Mister Edit needs a reality check. I’m sure there’s several other tennis coaches, yoga instructors, cocktail waitresses, day-shift strippers and a million other bitches in Los Angeles who can claim having a “very special” friendship with David. The dude is a slave to coochie. It’s not personal!

Suri Cruise was forced to pose in yet another photo-op with her evil alien warlord daddy in the East Village part of NYC yesterday when she tried to make a run for it! She should have just kicked him in the vagina bone.

Don’t get your robot hopes down, Suri. You’ll be taller than Tommy Girl in a couple of years and you can try again then.

Homegirl was trying to run to the nearest clothing store so she can change out of that American Girl doll dress and buy a sweater or something. Maybe I’m just talking caca like usual and she’s not freezing cold. Does barley water warm your blood?

Here’s more of Tommy Girl and Suri posing for the paps yesterday. Tommy might as well set up a damn photo booth with Suri in it for people to take turns taking pictures of her. Damn. I hope Suri is getting paid a lot for dealing with this fuckery.