Wonky McValtrex and her army of mutant cooch maggots are currently terrorizing London while she films the UK version of her reality show “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.” The BFF must stand for “butt farting fucktard.”

Wonky says that she loves London so much that she’s looking to move there….FOREVER! She reportedly told friends, “I love it here, I am going to move here permanently. I have already been here for one month and am much, much happier here. I love guys with English accents. I have met a really cute English guy, but it’s early days.”

I think all the genital warts in America just disappeared. And did that constant itching in your pubic bush area suddenly go away? That’s because the crabs packed up all their shit and shuffled off to the airport to catch the next Virgin flight to London. Their services are no longer needed here.

We also need to fast track a mandatory law stating that if your name is “Wonky McValtrex (that’s her legal name),” you must be quarantined for at least 100-years before re-entering the US.

Thanks for taking one for the team, Great Britain. Hey, we’re getting Vadge back, so this is a fair trade!

Vadge is still technically married to Guy Ritchie, but that hasn’t stopped her from making plans to procreate with A-Rod. A source tells the Daily Mail that she wants to put her 50-year-old roided-up vagina to work to try and produce a baby with 33-year-old A-Rod. The source said, “She thinks he’s physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.”

The two plan to go public with their relationship within the next two months. A-Rod is looking to buy an apartment nears Vadge’s Manhattan dungeon. It seems that A-Rod has already handed over what’s left of his shriveled nutsack to her, because he’s also promised her that he will write a sports-themed Kabbalah book for young boys. AND he plans to go on a spiritual trip with her to Malawi.

Vadge wants to make sure that A-Rod is the perfect slave for her, so she’s conducted a variety of tests on him. She makes sure that he calls when he says he will. She tested him on his knowledge of Kabbalahbalalah. She made sure he shares the same views on money as her. Just to make sure he’s paying attention to her at all times, she quizzed him on what outfits she wore on their first three meetings together. I’m sure the final test involves a wrestling match between her rock hard clit and his peen. If his peen loses, then they can be together.

I’m surprised Vadge hasn’t tried to have a baby with herself. She is superhuman, so I’m sure her clit has a peen hole that shoots out the strongest sperm in all the land.

If she does have a baby with A-Rod, this is what he will look like:

Your morning coffee was looking a little dark, so now you have some cream to go with it! Stir it in, drink up and then feast on your eyes on the sexy roasted turkey known as Roberto Cavalli. This 67-year-old pepaw really knows how to fill out a mankini. You know you just want to curl up next to him, rest on his bosom and suckle on his raisin nippies while he takes a drag from one of his Virginia Slims.

That being said, I’d hit it. Well, he’s fucking rich! You might see a golden prune in a speedo, but I see a big bag of money. Being a money-loving slut really is a terrible disease.

Here’s some more AM sexiness for you to enjoy. I have no idea if that chick is his daughter or his trophy.

Mr. Blackwell has gone on to the great, big fashion show in the sky where everybody dresses perfectly, so he can have a martini and relax. Or maybe heaven is a place where everybody dresses like crap, so he can talk shit for the rest of eternity. Yeah, probably the latter.

Mr. Blackwell passed away yesterday afternoon at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles of complications from an intestinal infection. He was 86.

In 1960, Mr. Blackwell started his annual “Worst Dressed” list and continued to do one every year. His last list was in 2007. Posh Beckham has the honor of being his last victim. He had this to say about her: “Forget the fashion spice — wearing a skirt would suffice! In one skinny-mini monstrosity after another, pouty posh can really wreck ’em.”

He’s ripped on everyone from Brit Brit Spears to Vadge to Sophia Loren.

Here’s just a few of his gems:

Sharon Stone: “An over-the-hill Cruella DeVille.”

Barbra Streisand: “She looks like a masculine Bride of Frankenstein.”

Britney Spears: “Her bra-topped collection of Madonna rejects are pure fashion overkill.”

Queen Elizabeth: “From her majesty to her travesty.”

Bjork: “She dances in the dark — and dresses there, too.”

Mr. Blackwell is survived by his partner of over 60 years, Spencer.

Rest in peace, Mr. Blackwell…. We will keep your legacy alive by continuing to tell these Hollywood whores how busted they look.

Source

That Verizon Network Guy has tried everything to get those people to stop following him. – WBlooney

Runners-up:

Papa Spears put his feet up and sipped at his martini, not at all realizing that Britney had escaped again… – HolyCow

You know, I’m starting to think that I may have stumbled onto the wrong protest… – WhoMe

The NSFWish version is after the jump. It’s just a little crack, but you never know. JUMP!!!

Thanks Anna

Suze Orman – The gayelle who likes to talk about money crap – I don’t really listen to her financial advice, because saving money is boring and spending money on stupid things is fun, but I still enjoy watching her ass talk about it.