Today in Los Angeles, John Travolta wiped Tommy Girl’s saliva from his hungry hole, glued a shaved beaver’s ass on his head, put on his big boy pilot costume and headed over to LAX to celebrate the inaugural flight of Qantus airlines brand new Airbus A38.

Don’t worry, Johnny didn’t fly that plane. He was just there to look like big queen and ass queef over the new plane.

Here’s more of the seventh member of the Village People, the dead creature on his head and Olivia Newton-John in Los Angeles today.

Brooke Burke jacked up her foot yesterday while rehearsing with her peen-loving “Dancing with the Has-Beens” partner Derek Hough. She probably tripped on his twinkle dust.

A spokeswhore for ABC tells People that Brooke put ice on her shit as soon as she was injured. They drove her ass to the hospital just to be safe. The docs said her foot isn’t broken, but they did say that her partner does love sweaty balls in his mouth.

Brooke only suffered a slight bruise and she will dance tonight!

This is the third injury of the season. Misty had to drop out after she effed her shit up.

The injury was obviously meant for CHERL BURKE, not Brooke Burke. The message must have gotten lost in translation. Actually, Cheryl probably had something to do with Brooke and Misty’s injuries. The Mop Head plays dirty and will do anything to win! Someone put the A-Team on Cloris. Mop Head is going after her next!

Raven Symone is sick of dumb skanks making fun of her busted eyebrows. Yes, they look like they were the victim of a waxing session gone wrong, but she can’t help it. Raven was born with wonky brows. The other day, she abused her keyboard by writing a rant on her MySpace blog about her eyebrow situation.

I WAS BORN WITH MESSED UP EYE BROWS, LOOK AT THE COSBY SHOW THEY GROW UPSIDE DOWN AND ON THE WRONG EYE. THAT IS MY PARENTS DOING AND MY BROTHER HAS THE SAME ONES. IM SORRY IF I WANT TO GO OUT ONE DAY AND NOT FILL THEM IN. IM SURE OTHER PEOPLE DONT GO OUT ALL THE TIME WITH THEIR FACE BEAT (MAKE-UP TERM, FLAWLESS MAKE UP). MY BODY SIZE; OOOHHH MY GOD!!!! HOW MANY YEARS HAS IT BEEN… IV BEEN ON TV FOR 21 YEARS, AND IV ALWAYS BEEN THICK…..OK!!!!
NOW IF ANYONE KNOWS MY FAMILY, ALL OF THE WOMEN EXCEPT FOR A FEW, STRUGGLE WITH KEEPING WHAT IS A SOCIALLY EXCEPT-ABLE WEIGHT. WHEN I STRESS I GAIN, WHEN IM HAPPY WHO KNOWS… I HAD A LOT OF PERSON THINGS HAPPEN TO ME AT THE END OF THE SHOW, DEALING WITH FAMILY, AND MY EX-BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON ME AND I HAD TO BREAK UP WITH HIM (LISTEN TO LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME, AND SECRETS) AND LIKE ANY FEMALE WITH A PROBLEM, DELT WITH IT A CERTAIN WAY! ID LOVE IF THE INDUSTRY COULD ONE DAY UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OBESITY AND FAT AND THICK AND THIN AND SICK. I AM A THICK GIRL, I HAVE NEVER BEEN OVER A SIZE 12, I CAN RUN, AND I TRY MY BEST TO EAT RIGHT ALL THE TIME. I AM NOT THE TEXT BOOK WEIGHT THAT THEY SAY I SHOULD BE, BUT EVERYDAY I HAVE MY OWN PERSONAL STRUGGLES, AND I THINK THAT PEOPLE NEED TO RESPECT THAT.

It looks like somebody is a proud graduate of the Kanye West School of Blogging! She forgot to call us SQUID BRAINS. She can do that in her next rant. I also need to send her my optometrist bill, because I’m sure my eyes received some kind of damage from reading all those damn CAPS.

Raven doesn’t have upside down eyebrows! If she did, they would look like two hairy smiley faces over her eyes and that would be kind of cute. Homegirl just has a couple of bald patches. A little Rogaine might do the trick. If that doesn’t work, she can get a brow weave. And if all else fails, there’s always the good ole’ Sharpie! It’s always there for you and you can always count on it for your eyebrow emergencies.

Here’s Raven at the premiere of “Tinkerbell” in Hollywood yesterday. After these pictures were taken, Tinkerbell mysterious disappeared. Everyone looked at Raven who had a little wing suspiciously hanging out of the corner of her mouth.

Pink is out promoting an album so now is a good time as any to talk about her problems with ze booze. Pink said she checked into a “health center” this past summer because she started binge drinking and was afraid she developed a nasty little habit.

She says, “A few months ago, I went to see a specialist because I thought I was an alcoholic. I have a problem with my vices. I’ve kicked the drugs, but every now and then I have to go out and get completely wasted on alcohol. For me it’s about losing control. I’m such a control freak it’s very hard for me to lose my inhibitions without something chemical inside me. How do you really have fun if there isn’t a little drink in you? I don’t actually know.”

The answer to Pink’s question is: you don’t. I’m joking! The real answer to her question is: you smoke crack instead. I’m full of jokes today! The real REAL answer to her question is: you let a stranger finger bang you…..with a condom on his finger of course!

Pink went on to say, “I checked into Canyon Ranch in Tucson, Arizona, in the summer and I went to see a therapist, telling him I was an alcoholic. He asked me when I’d had my last drink and I couldn’t remember – it had been a few weeks previously. I then read the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) manual cover to cover and we talked. I realized I wasn’t an alcoholic, just someone who likes to get drunk every now and again. I’m trying to work out if that’s a bad thing.”

Pink, the next time you think you have a problem with booze, drink more booze. After you wake up from blacking out, you would have forgotten all about this supposed “booze problem.” See how that works?

Here’s a few pictures of Pink looking like a dusty tampon at the ARIA Awards in Sydney yesterday.

Clear the streets and stay indoors, because Nick Hogan is getting out of jail tomorrow after serving 166 jail dicks days of an 8-month sentence. Brooke Hogan wrote about his release on her MySpace blog and called out the “JELIS H8RS” who talk shit on her precious family.

Brooke tucked in her dick, crossed her legs, sat at the computer and typed out this shit:

There have been a lot of supporters and a lot of haters that have come up to me and said things that have helped and things that made me feel like I couldn’t make it through another day… Some people wish terrible terrible things on us and say the the most nasty comments that I can’t even repeat on here… It really hurts. I understand people have their own opinion, but most of the people that come up to us don’t know the whole story, or how much we really really love John. Its really sad, because were not bad people….were just going through a really hard time, and so is John’s family. I feel sorry for the people who are misinformed because all they have to go off of is the media, which lets just face it, is NEVER a reliable source. Even the news, when that should be the most accurate…its probably the most far off. I didn’t come on here to vent, and I know this still wont change peoples opinion or what they think about my family. But I know that you never really know, until you actually walk in someones shoes. And that goes in all directions. All I ask, is instead of making this harder, and putting evil things out there, you pray for John and for us, and leave words of inspiration. I know- like I know -like I know- John is gonna walk out of that hospital and things will be ok again. I know his strength and I know he can do it with our prayers…… To all the people who have been supportive- It has helped MORE than you will ever know. I can not thank you enough…..Please pray for my brothers safety too… this is a really tough time he has gone through and I know all he wants to do is show you, John and his family how much he cares and understands.

ok. Back to the happy stuff! …….I just can’t wait to see my Nicky! Im gonna make him every kind of food you can possibly think of! Hes been living on bread an potatoes so far and I know some mac’n’cheese is gonna hit the spot! LOL Thanks so much for listening and keep praying! Every day will be better and better and better. God bless you! Have a safe day!

Yes, Brooke. Nick is going to get out of jail. John is going to make a miraculous recovery and run into your arms. Then a pink pony with golden wings will take the three of you to a beautiful crystal palace. All the “JELIS H8RS” will turn into worms and you’ll spend the afternoon feeding them to fluffy birds with diamond beaks. I swear. It must be nice living on Planet Dumb Fuck.

In addition to the bread and potatoes, I’m sure Nick also had plenty of sausages and dick cheese.

I haven’t had Zima in a long ass time, but it still makes me a little sad to know that I’ve lost a booze option. Also, Zima was clear which means it could easily look like 7up when you want to booze on the down low.

Anyway, MillerCoors has decided to let Zima go. They stopped making that crap on October 10th.

One of the whores at MillerCoors said that basically nobody buys that crap anymore. Stores and bars will still continue to get Zima shipments through December.

Zima was nationally born in 1993. It quickly became the shit to drink when I was in high school. I was never into it. I was more of a Boone’s Farms kind of bitch. I liked to keep it classy.

So long, Zima! I hardly knew you, but I will miss you, because you contained alcohol. Alcohol is the daddy I never had.

If Mike’s Hard Lemonade gets killed, I will jump off this planet. That shit is the best.

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