Out of all the shameless skanks who would wholehard-on-ly embrace Whoreoween, I thought Aubrey O’Day would be the biggest one. I figured she would come out with her titties blazing, but instead she covered up! Seriously, this is conservative for her ass.

Last night at some Hallopeen party in Las Vegas, Aubrey dressed up as a broke down Ariel who has fallen on hard times and is now whoring it out for her pimp Ursula in order to pay for her sea sponge addiction. Aubrey’s suicide watch pooch, Ginger, paid homage to the crustaceans that live in her owner’s snatch by dressing up as one.

You know that towards the end of the night, Aubrey went into the men’s bathroom and serenaded the dudes with her own thrilling rendition of “Part of Your World”: “I wanna be where the penises are…. I wanna suck, wanna suck them off good… Eating a round of that…. what do you call it? Oh – jizz! Showin’ your tits, really gets you far…. My legs are open for humping, slamming… Stroking you off on my – what’s that word again? Faaaaace!”

Simon Cowell is back on the market after splitting up with his chick of six years, Terri Seymour. Simon’s pr bitch said that Terri rang him up last month and let him know she was quitting that bitch. I’m sure he found comfort in between Ryan Gaycrest’s throbbing butt cheeks.

Terri, 34, and Simon, 48, met when she was just 18, but they didn’t start bumping titties until she interviewed him in 2002.

Simon’s spokeswhore went on to tell People, “They are going to remain close friends. Simon thinks the world of Terri and that isn’t going to change. He also understands her reason for ending it. In the past Terri has said that she wants kids but that just isn’t Simon. Nobody else is involved, certainly not on Simon’s side.”

For why doesn’t Simon want little babies? His voluptuous manchicis were made for milking.

Terri Seymour failed me just like Sarah Larson did. She had herself a big bag of money dangling in front of her and she just let it go. The gold diggers of the world are shedding millions of tears at this missed opportunity.

The Mirror claims Simon bought her ass a house as a goodbye gift, but that shit’s not enough! She could have been set up for the rest of her days! I mean, Simon shits bars of gold, so Terri just needed to find a way to get knocked up! Homegirl should’ve gone through Gaycrest’s garbage for used condoms filled with Simon’s baby batter or something! Damn.

Image: Bauer Griffin

This well-known and very established designer is coy about his sexual preference, but he really lets loose when he picks up street hustlers. He’s got a lot of money and loves to get the boys excited by throwing handfuls of bills on the bed. He gets very turned on by rolling around and having sex with his rentboy on the money. When the encounter is over, the boy peels the bills off their sticky bodies and usually goes home happy with at least $500 in his pocket. (Janet Charlton)

Calvin Klein? If you ever come across a bill with dried up ass goo on it, you know where it came from.

WHICH former TV star gets Botox injections when she goes in for hair and makeup? The Hollywood mom avidly avoids the paparazzi, but is very friendly to photographers on the red carpet – after being fully prepped of course. (Page Six)

Um…ALL OF THEM! But I’ll guess Heather Locklear?

WHICH sister of a much-photographed socialite should be more discreet? She was at Dorrian’s Red Hand the other night, making out until closing time with O.J. Simpson murder trial witness Keith Zlomsowitch, who had a sexual encounter with Nicole Brown Simpson? (Page Six)

Khloe “The Hulk” Kardashian?

She thinks that she can never be too thin. He does. He has tried to get her to gain a few pounds for her appearance, her health, to set a good example. He stands by her in public, but confesses to friends in private that he is repelled by her appearance. There have been a lot of screaming matches over the weight topic, so they have been spending more time apart, punctuated by the occasional very public appearance together. She is a valuable asset to his own career, so he may not leave her, but he has been quietly scoring the digits of normal-sized girls who catch his eye. (Blind Gossip)

Oh shit. Saint Angelina and William Bradley Pitt? Or Posh and Becks?

Which young star is doing more drinking than eating? Those working with her are concerned that she is both perpetually hungover and getting thinner by the day. (Blind Gossip)

The better question would be, which one isn’t. I’ll guess Kiki Dunst, any of the skanks on “90210,” Little J from “Gossip Girl” or Zac Efron?

Hef’s former concubine Holly Madison and master delusionist Criss Angel came out as the newest vomit-inducing couple at the premiere of his new caca show, “Believe (in shit),” in Las Vegas last night.

Hef’s ex-bitch said in the past that she was “just friends” with Piss, I mean Criss, but it’s obvious she’s doing inappropriate acts with him. I say “inappropriate,” because no living thing should be getting it on Criss. I can’t condone it and will never co-sign it.

Holly looks a little dickmatized in the eyes, but I think she’s just relieved that she’s with a dude who can get it up without the help of a penis pump. And she also has little Criss spermies dancing in her eyes, because this ho was ready for a baby yesterday.

I’m sure Holly and Piss will have many guinea pig-haired babies together. Her babies will have to go immediately from the delivery room to the plastic surgery room, so surgeons can make them look remotely like their mother. I mean, that bitch looks nothing like her original self.

My head feels like one of Aretha Franklin’s ginormous titty balls is sitting on top of it and this is the last thing it needs. I was going through pictures from last night and my stomach almost jumped out of my body when I came across these beauties. I’m all about sharing the pain, so this is why I’m posting them here for you.

Bobby Trendy dressed as some power bottom ladyboy cocktail server at the Abbey’s Hallopeen party in West Hollywood last night. You might want to streer clear of thumbnail #2. I think I spot a swollen labia lip. And there’s definitely a dingle berry hiding in the first thumbnail.

Brigitte Nielsen also showed up to the party and actually kept her shit together. It’s a new day for her ass. I also threw in some pictures of Leathah-face Rourke at Heidi Klum’s party in NYC, because he fits into the trainwreck theme of this post.

Every year Heidi Klum throws a huge Halloween party and this bitch usually gets dressed up in some extravagant shit that makes all of us look like we should just go home and let the professional do her job. Yes, Heidi is the grand dame of Halloween!

Heidi did not disappoint with her costume last night. She went as Hindu goddess Kali. You know she was in make-up for fucking days. As hot as she looks, this costume is not for everyone.

Imagine getting wasted in this mess? I would probably accidentally stab myself in the asshole with that sword or get really intimate with one of those severed heads thinking it’s some hot dude. And those cut-off arms hanging down below could come in handy if your private area is feeling tingly and you need a little help. Okay…I’m starting to see the positives in wearing this craziness.

Heidi’s dude, Seal, dressed as some warrior finger banger. I’m sure he dressed as someone specific, but I’m dumb in the brains and it’s too early for me to spend my time going on a google search. Scream at me if you know the answer.

Other guests at Heidi’s soiree included Christian Siriano as Cruelle de Ville, Pink as some curious lesbian clown doll and Marc Bower as a gay angel of death.