When the biggest skeezer in the entire universe, Wonky McValtrex, first meets a dude, instead of shaking his hand, she shakes his dick….with her pussy. This is why the skank shouldn’t be surprised that humans with peens only see her as a jizz bank and an ATM.

Wonky cried fake tears out of her one good eye and told the News of the World: “Every other guy I’ve been out with has used me for money or sex – but in most cases they just want fame. It made it hard to trust people. After a while I had to start questioning exactly why somebody wanted to be with me.”

The sad part is that she’s barely even good for sex! I’ve seen her sex tape and the bitch lays there like a salamander on Ambien.

Wonky is barely figuring out what we’ve all known for years. When a dude has you listed as “cum bag” in his cell phone, maybe you should pry open your wonk eye with your skank hand and get a clue.

Shameless slut Sienna Miller has given Balthazar Getty way too many hours with her vagina. It’s time to fucking move on. What’s the point of being a big whore if you’re just going to do the same dude over and over again? Sienna might have finally woken up and smelled the jizz, because the Daily Mail reports that she’s taken her slut act back to London. However, she didn’t leave Balthazar because her cooze was craving new peen, she left after he refused to divorce his wife.

According to friends, these two hos have been fighting constantly in Los Angeles and she’s scared that he’s going to go back to his wife. ” There have been some pretty unpleasant rows, largely over Balthazar’s reluctance to commit. She has really wanted to be able to step out as a couple but Balthazar is very torn over his children and it looks like he might be wanting to go back to his family. Sienna is devastated.”

Sienna is devastated, but her vagina is probably jumping for joy and humming “It’s Raining Men.”

Balthazar still being married isn’t the only problem. Sienna wants to booze and party all night, while he would rather stay home and be boring. Balthazar is a recovering drunk, so he’s having a hard time dealing with Sienna’s ways.

Sienna is surprised that her married boyfriend still wants to be married and he’s surprised that his party whore girlfriend still wants to be a party whore? Ugh. Slap them both with a flaccid peen.

Sienna needs to stay in London and re-read the slut’s handbook. Specificially, chapter 7: “Married Men are Only Good for Fucking.”

Even better than the real thing – SOW

If the Emu becomes extinct, blame Zac Efron – Celebitchy

But Rosie O still wears CROCS – Mollygood

Jesus helped Gerard Butler to quit smoking – I’m Not Obsessed

David Becks is proud to be the gayest straight dude in Britain – A Socialite’s Life

Kristen Wiig as Hasselcrack – Defamer

I can’t stop looking at Evangeline Lilly’s hanging balls – ICYDK

The Crackie of Camden checked out of the hospital on Friday where she was being treated for a “chest infection.” Well, after spending the weekend at her crack den, she’s back in THE CLINIC! Wino’s spokeswhore said she clocked back into the hospital today for ongoing treatment.

Wino just needed to go home and “stock up” before spending the rest of the week in the hospital. She’s like a crackie chipmunk. Crackmunk!

A source tells People that Wino is trying to quit smoking fags and getting a little help for it. “She has been told to give up smoking and was initially struggling with that – she was covered in nicotine patches at one point. But she is making an effort.”

Nicotine patches won’t work on her! The second they touch her skin, they shrivel up and fall off. Good luck to Wino! But you know the cigarette industry is going caca in their panties this morning at the thought of Wino quitting fags!

No, he didn’t win the entire thing, but he did win the “sexiest piece who finished in 3 hours and 50 minutes” medal. Mister ScarJo ran the 26-mile marathon yesterday for Team Fox, in honor of foxy people everywhere. No, Team Fox is in honor of his daddy, who suffers from Parkinson’s Disease.

Alex P. Keaton aka Michael J. Fox was on hand to cheer Ryan on. Ryan opened up his sexy mouth and told People, “When I saw Michael J. Fox on Fifth Avenue, I gained about 15 pounds in goose bumps. It kind of pushed me through the last six miles or so.”

Ryan’s wife (that sounds weird) ScarJo was in Ohio campaigning for her boyfriend Obama.

Ryan could have made some cash for Team Fox if he auctioned off a vial of his nutsack sweat on eBay. I know at least a dozen whores who would pay top dollar for that shit. And when I say “a dozen whores” I mean “me.”

I actually caught some of the marathon yesterday and I needed a cocktail and a nap after watching all those people run. It’s exhausting! I also noticed the hundreds of banana peels all over the floor! That’s a cartoon accident waiting to happen. I wonder if Ryan sucked on a banana while running? The visuals! Shit. I think I just had an accident.

A few days before Whoreoween, CoCo said and I quote: “It’s my day! I get to get naked! Finally!!!”

She said NAKED! Is this naked to you?! Okay, it might be nekkid for you, but this is straight-up modest for CoCo! She wears this shit to the supermarket! Her fault line ass crack is not visible and you can’t see her nipples. This is downright Amish. She looks like a church going pussy who spends her nights knitting, sipping chamomile tea and playing gospel songs on her harp.

CoCo totally forgot the “pussy” in pussycat. Oh well. I’ll still play pattycake with her pancake ass cheeks, but I was hoping for a little more elegance from CoCo. She’s turning into a nun!

Here’s Sister Pussycat Coco with her pimp as The Punisher at Plumm in NYC on Friday night.