OMG! Jennifer Aniston is knocked up! With twins! And John Mayer is the daddy! Except there’s an itty bitty problem. She’s not exactly pregnant just yet…. Who cares about that! It’s just petty details.

Star Magazine claims Jenny is “trying” to have a baby with John Mayer before her 40th birthday. Jen is trying all kinds of shit in order to get a baby in her busted ass oven. A source said, “She knows her baby-making years are limited. It’s hard for her to think of anything else — she has babies on the brain!” I think the source was being literal. Jen is putting friend’s babies on her head, hoping it will get her body in the baby mood and speed up the process.

One friend said that Jen and John are doing specific yoga poses that are supposed to help her get pregnant. Unless, they’re doing the poses naked and on top of each other, I don’t see how that shit can help.

The friend went on to blab, “Jen has also changed her diet. She’s taking a lot of folic acid and has upped her intake of milk and beef — all of which are supposed to increase your chances of having twins. She’s even eating cassava root, a wild yam, because women in Africa who consume it have the highest rate of conceived twins. ”

JEN! Come on now. If you want to beat Saint Angie Jo, you’re going to have to get knocked up with triplets at least! You know what you need to do? Go down and visit Michelle Duggar. Give her a gift certificate to WholesomeWear in exchange for a little vagina bumping time with her. Seriously. All you have to do is rub your snatch with hers and you’ll instantly be pregnant with triplets or even quadruplets! Both you and John are “Js” and we know how Michelle feels about “Js.” It’s meant to be.

After being locked up for almost a year, Amy Wino’s prince crackie is out of the slammer! Blaaake busted out of prison in Suffolk today wearing an electronic tag. He doesn’t get to return to his crack den just yet. As part of the terms of his early release, Blaaake will go straight into a rehab facility, where he has to complete some kind of program.

The Crackie of Camden, who is believed to be getting some lung work done at THE CLINIC, wasn’t there to welcome her husband back into the wild. Something in the milk ain’t clean about this. The crack rock of her eye is free (sort-of) and she’s not there to deafen the ears of everyone with her “BLAAAAAKE” call?!

You know the drug dealers in London are fucking rejoicing. Back in business!

Source: Daily Mail

Which singer is secretly cheating on his girlfriend with a curvy blonde? The Brit in question can’t help himself and strays away most weekends… (3am Girls)

Robbie Williams? If it’s about a slutty British singer, I always think Robbie!

Which aggressive TV, stage and movie actor has a shady past? Rumor is he sexually assaulted a girl while in high school and his family had the situation “swept under the rug” (Page Six)

The Piv?

Which screen god isn’t as happy as he and his paramour would like the world to think? Whenever the couple and their children are in LA, he “goes to a bar in a Beverly Hills hotel and drinks for hours before going home” (Page Six)

Paramour = not married. My guess Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt?

Which oft-photographed socialite/designer is losing her grip on the fashion world? Luxury brands no longer send her clothing and accessories and don’t want her in their ad campaigns. (Page Six)

Kim KardASSIAN or LC from “The Hills“?

Which celebrity showed up at a polling place on Election Day, saw the long line, and demanded that she be allowed to skip to the front? When special accommodations were not made for her, she stormed off in a huff, presumably to another polling place where people would acknowledge her superiority and personally escort her past the unwashed masses into a voting booth big enough to accommodate her inflated ego. (Blind Gossip)

Yo mama. Or Parasite?

A pantless Steve Guttenberg running through the park. He kind of has a nice ass…Ugh. I need another drink – Best Week Ever

Pink’s drunken and bloody Thanksgiving – Celebitchy

Russell Brand is already a pirate, so this makes sense – I’m Not Obsessed

Jack Black falls! – SOW

Cheetopoo takes her kiddies trick-or-treating – ICYDK

Wonky McValtrex and Donald Trump should go do each other….on Mars – Mollygood

Tim Robbins gets ragey while trying to vote, the cops were called – Holy Moly!

Robert Pattinson got his hands dirty yesterday at some handprint ceremony at Planet Hollywood in NYC. They better put at least four security guards around that shit at all times, because fangirls are going to crash the joint to steal that shit.

At yesterday’s ceremony thing, Robert made a huge mistake. MEGA. He covered up the magical forest on his head. You know what happens when he does that? He starts sweating like a common peon! If his magical hair was on full display, he wouldn’t have juicy pits. Instead, his pits would smell like spring raindrops on fresh pine needles.

Yes, that picture is fucking old. It’s when Tommy Girl wasn’t a creepy butt plug and Charlize Theron was poor. Well, poorer than she is now.

Charlize Theron is about to break my no-heart by agreeing to star opposite John Travolta’s scissor sister in a movie called “The Tourist.” It’s a remake of the 2005 French film. Coming Soon reports that Charlize is in talks to play an “Interpol agent who uses an American tourist in an attempt to flush out an elusive criminal with whom she once had an affair.”

I don’t know why, but I’ve always had a strange love for Charlize. Dumb whores always call me on it. Some think she’s like a dry potato pancake, but I can’t help it. Ever since she slow-danced with Alien Head Ricci to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” in “Monster,” I’ve been hooked. I’ve seen all her shit shows in the theaters including “Hancock” and “Aeon Flux.”

This is why I’m starting to weep on the inside at the thought of Charlize kissing Tommy’s pasty pony elf mouth. He’s going to need a booster seat to film the sex scenes.