I’ve come to terms with CoCo’s transformation as the classiest hooker on the stroll. If that’s what she wants to look like now, I will get behind her 100%. Well, not behind her literally, because I think her titanic ass would swallow me whole. Speaking of swallowing, at Diddy’s birthday party at Mansion in NYC, the Shauna Sand of the East looked like a sexy python trying to digest a family of mongooses.

The man who is solely responsible for putting Obama in the White House, celebrated his birthday last night. Guests included the most elegant creature in NYC, her pimp, Ben Stiller, Cedric the Entertainer and Mary. J Blige. I guess our Evite got lost in the interwebs. Besides, I would only go to that shit if the invitation said, “brownies will be served.”

Bitches really seem to be worried about Suri bouncing around NYC without a jacket on. People, she can’t wear a jacket, because she has a deal with the fashion houses that she must show off the entire garment! That dress costs more than your vagina rejuvenation surgery (I know you’ve been looking into it), so she has to properly model the whole thing without some pesky jacket getting in the way. Suri cares about high-fashion. She’s working hard to land a Dior or Miu Miu contract. Hey, at least her legs are covered. And I really need an umbrella like that in my life.

Katie still looks like a middle-aged mini-van mom who regularly misses picking up her kids from school because she’s passed out on the coach after a raging pill and booze session. But at least she’s wearing Converse!

Every time I see Carnie Wilson’s name, I immediately think of carne asada for some reason. Mmm…carne asada. Anyway, Carne Asada Wilson lost 50 pounds this year, but she’s probably going to become a mega BBW again now that there’s a hungry baby living in her body.

Carnie told OK! Magazine that she’s expecting her second kid with husband Rob Bonfiglio in June. Yeah, she’s like 2-months pregnant and already blabbing about it. She’s also so excited that she can’t keep her lips shut and offered up more information about how she found out, etc….

On how she found out: “I was making dinner, and I took a home-pregnancy test.” Honey! We’re having pork chops and pregnant piss for supper!

On how she told her husband: “I taped the pregnancy test to the front door and drew a picture of little stick figures of Daddy, Mommy, Lola and then a little tiny one.” Honey! Why does the front door have piss on it?

On why she knew she was going to get pregnant after losing the weight: “I did, actually. We had sex before, during and after ovulation. I was really keeping track of it, and it worked. Also, my body is so healthy now. I think we might have conceived to “She’s Leaving Home” by The Beatles!” Damn! Don’t hold anything back Carnie. Tell me what kind of shapes your sex juices made on the sheets.

On twins: “I can’t stop thinking about twins! My sister had twins; my grandmother was a twin and my grandmother’s aunt had twins. I had my first ultrasound and we only saw one sac, but it’s not confirmed that it’s not two because one could be hiding in back of the other.”

This obviously means she’s having twins. TWINS = Even More BABIES!!!! You know she got knocked up so she can go back to eating gallons of ice cream and cheese fries at midnight again. Shit, that’s a really good reason to get pregnant. And didn’t she have gastric bypass? I guess that band busted a long time ago.

Since we’re sort-of on the subject of Wilson Phillips, where the hell is Wendy?! She was always my favorite, because they always pushed her to the side like a side of broccoli without the mayo. She was the original basement baby.

Coming soon to you on Direct-to-DVD: Saw 15: We no longer give a fuck. – C.A. Stone

Runners-up:

I rue the day I spent the extra $12 for the special edition Napoleon Dynamite DVD with bonus features and deleted scenes. – ISprainedMyUvula

“I don’t know Jim…I just feel like for a while now there has been a wedge and a skinny, dorkish, demon between us.” – Zomay

Danuta Lato – Polish nude model and actress turned pop singer. Danuta had a semi-hit in the late 80s with the song “Touch My Heart.” The video for the song has everything you need: spandex, sex faces, sheep, up-close chichi shots, candle caressing and a pussy! Video below:

For Siobhan

Sally Field (62)
Emma Stone (20)
Taryn Manning (30)
Rebecca Romjin (36)
Thandie Newton (36)
Ethan Hawke (38)
Kelly Rutherford (40)
Michael Cerveris (48)
Lori Singer (51)
Maria Shriver (53)
Mike Nichols (77)