SPOILER ALERT! There were a few rumors going around that Brenda Walsh would take her last breath on an upcoming episode of “90210,” but I don’t believe those lies. Brenda Walsh can never die. It says so in the bible. It also says this in the dictionary. Look up the word impossible and the definition is: Brenda Walsh dying.

According to OK! Magazine, Brenda comes back to town in tonight’s episode and tells that dumb bitch Kelly Taylor that she slept with her man! Brenda also ends up in the hospital, because of fertility issues or some shit. She finds out that she can’t have kids. Like Brenda was going to have any! She’s a woman of the world! She doesn’t have time to deal with brats! And she’s going to live forever, so she doesn’t have to worry about another ho continuing her legacy. She can do that herself.

I’m hoping that while Brenda’s in the hospital, the surgeons can go in and see what’s going on with her heart area. I mean, they need to check if she has one, because she’s been kind of uncharacteristically nice to Kelly Taylor. Brenda shouldn’t have one of those heart things. Yeah, she did Kelly’s man, but that’s not enough! She should have kept fucking him until Kelly was completely destroyed. Kelly deserves to cry in her eyes for what she did to Brenda.

Here’s that dumb bitch Kelly thinking she’s Grace Kelly with her husband at the “Twilight” premiere last night.

I was going through pictures from the Sydney premiere of “Australia” and my mouse immediately skipped over to this beauty and clicked download. It knows what I like, because this stunning creature just made my fucking day!

Her name is Maria Venuti and according to her bio she “is a vivacious personality – and one of great natural warmth and exuberance. Combined with a dynamic singing voice – these traits have made her career as a performer, actor and entertainer highly successful. As one of this country’s leading performers, Maria has played in every major cabaret venue around Australia, New Zealand, the Far East, Japan as well as entertaining our ‘boys’ in the Sinai Desert.”

I’m in love. She has everything I look for in a glamorous beauty: serious eyebrow game, butt cleavage and hair that has seen the inside of a Fry Daddy. Yes, I know her make-up looks like it was done by a group of slow clowns while they all jumped on a trampoline together, but the end result is beautiful. She’s one to watch.

On the other side of the coin, Hugh Jackman’s tragic wife showed up to the premiere looking like a low-rent vintage Phyllis Diller impersonator. She’s no Maria Venuti.

Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie’s two year wedding anniversary is today. Happy Fakeversary? I guess… Try not to explode with excitement. According to tradition, you’re supposed to give bitches cotton on their second wedding anniversary. Something tells me that Katie is going to get a few dozen napkins with the words “RUN KATIE” perfectly monogrammed on them.

In honor of his wedding anniversary, Tommy Girl puckered up his lips and told Hello! Magazine (via Celebitchy), “And they said it wouldn’t last. I guess we proved them wrong.”

Um…the legal documents probably state that it must last a minimum of 5 years and a maximum of 10 (just ask Nicole).

Below is a journey through photographs of Katie going from a slice of apple pie with cheddar cheese on top to a robot zombie with barley in her eyes.

Ever since Brit Brit started taking her meds and Daddy Spears became the head of her everything, London has been missing in action. I’m sure I’ve been annoying everyone with my constant “Where is London?” shit. I figured Brit left him in some gas station bathroom or traded him in for a Slim Jim. It also crossed my mind that maybe London is still hiding in her closet, living off the cheese from Brit’s dirty panties.

Well, London is alive! In the new issue of Heat Magazine, a friend said that the original suicide watch dog is living with a family friend, because “everyone thought it would be best for her and London if he were placed elsewhere.”

You probably don’t give a turkey’s dick, but I did! And now I can be at peace knowing that London is safe and sound with Chester Cheetah.

Thanks Katy

If you were on the west coast last night, you most likely heard the sound of a thousand high-pitched screams. You probably shrugged it off, thinking it was just the voices in your head shrieking to get out. Naw, it wasn’t the voices in your head this time. It was the sound coming from the mob of fangirls busting their vocal chords and bursting ear drums at the “Twilight” premiere in Los Angeles last night. Fangirls like the hot (literally) bitch above waited overnight just so they could catch a quick glimpse of the sparkly stars. I think sanitation workers are still cleaning up all the panty pudding left on the street.

The screams even flattened Robert Pattinson’s magical hair! The unicorns had to find another forest to frolick in. Robert told MTV News that he’s gotten used to insane girls screaming at him. In fact, he’s gone deaf. He said, “I left my brain at the door. It’s completely insane. You never expect it. … I’m completely deaf!” No, seriously. He wasn’t joking. He’s really deaf.

Robert went on to tell a story about a group of girls who scratched their necks for him. “There were some girls who had scratched … the side of their necks so [they were] freshly bleeding when they came up to get a signature. They were like, ‘We did this for you.’ I didn’t know what to say. ‘Um, thanks guys?’”

Um…they should have had men in white coats, carrying straitjackets at the premiere, just in case. Actually, I shouldn’t make fun. If I ever saw that sexy piece Eric Northman from “True Blood” in person, I’d probably cut my neck and scream, “Make me! Make Me! Be my fucking maker! I’ll lay in a dirt ditch and everything! MAKE ME!”

Wired’s 10 Amazing Animal Videos! Hamster eating broccoli is my personal favorite – Wired (via Jezebel)

Anthony Kiedis’ crazy childhood is becoming an HBO series – Celebitchy

Saint Angie cries human tears – Mollygood

Dr. Doug Ross is coming back to “E.R.” – I’m Not Obsessed

ScarJo doesn’t know who HoHan is – A Socialite’s Life

Megan Fox should just do Penthouse already – Popoholic

Julia and Bailey Salinger reunite! – SOW

CLove blogs again, sort of makes sense – E! Online

Jacko sued by the King of Bahrain – Holy Moly!

The official “Star Trek” trailer – ICYDK