Tommy Girl gives the comedic performance of the year in “Valkyrie” according to some hos who have already seen it. The movie has already been pushed back a few times, but now it’s set to come out the day after Christmas. Merry Christmas! Let’s watch some shit show about Nazis starring the last bitch I want to spend the holidays with.

A few people who have seen the movie told MSNBC’s The Scoop that everyone in the theater uncomfortably laughed at Tommy Girl’s performance. Once scene features Tommy Girl trying to do the Heil Hitler salute. “It’s an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh. His character is resisting it but you never forget it’s Tom Cruise saying ‘Heil Hitler.’ It’s funny and shocking at the same time.” You know while Tommy was trying to do the salute, he had to clench his hungry hole so that his other hand didn’t come up to complete the “A” in Y.M.C.A.

Another ho said that Tommy only does a German accent at the beginning of the movie, “The film just isn’t a thriller at all. It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. It’s too bad. And Tom doesn’t speak with a German accent — though they did add a voiceover of him speaking German to the beginning of the film. Still, it’s as if he could say ‘I complete you’ at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.” I’m surprised that Tommy didn’t do a German accent. I hear he does a FIERCE Marlene Dietrich impersonation!

Johnny Travolta better start lubing up his hand, because he’s going to need to give Tommy Girl a consoling fist fuck when this movie fails in an epic way at the box office.

Yesterday on her show, Ellen Degeneres asked prostitot chipmunk Miley Cyrus about her 20-year-old boyfriend and the topic made Disney’s favorite whore erupt into an annoying seizure of giggles. You can tell Ellen wanted to hit her over the head with her strap-on. I would’ve held her down for Ellen. Miley’s laugh can fucking grate cheese.

Has Miley been sharing a can of computer dust with that hot bitch Allison from “Intervention”? I was expecting Miley to bob her head and say, “It’s like I’m walkeeeen on suuunnshine.”

Thanks Galina

So long, Dr. Marlena Evans! Now shat is “Days of Our Lives” going to do without brilliant performances like this one? – Defamer

Beyonce loves everyone (except for Basement Baby) – Celebitchy

Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart belong together – Mollygood

Taylor Swift is still annoying – I’m Not Obsessed

Charlize Theron has average-looking knuckles. Well, I have to find something wrong with her! – ICYDK

Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show better include a cage fight with Hasselcrack – Popbytes

Kanye West should just become a hermaphrodite and marry himself – Holy Moly!

Joan Collins doesn’t need to know about geography. She’s fucking Alexis Carrington! – SOW

One of these things is not like the others: a man with his penis in a pasta sauce jar, porn, women’s stockings, a home-made sex aid and a Jack Russell Terrier. Can you guess which one?

All of these things were found in the car belonging to a man named Keith Roy Weatherley of Newcastle, New South Wales.

It all started when the police approached 46-year-old Keith’s car, because he was parked in a no-stopping zone. They found him fucking a pasta jar, basically. Instead of inviting the nice officers to a spaghetti with extra cheese dinner, Keith sped off. He led police on a 10-minute car chase before finally stopping.

Keith still refused to get out of the car, so the police used batons (sexy) and pepper spray on him. That shit was probably making that horny bitch creamier in the genital area, because he kept butt fucking the jar! I say “butt fucking,” because I don’t think pasta jars have vaginas. The police were finally able to get control of Keith and he was arrested.

He pleaded guilty to to offensive behavior, resisting police and disobeying a police direction. He was fined $600 and convicted of the other two offenses without further action taken. He told the judge that he was just trying to make himself decent for the officers.

I couldn’t find a picture of Keith, but I’m going to assume he looks a lot like this.

Keith should also have to pay for the years and years of intense therapy that Jack Russell Terrier is going to need. He won’t be able to look at a jar of Ragu the same way again!

And now I know why Spaghetti Cat prefers to eat his spaghetti WITHOUT the sauce.

Source

Thanks Shawn

As you can see from the big yellow letters above, Hugh Jackman is People’s Sexiest Man Alive. And as you can see from my headline, Carrot Top was once again robbed! Why does People Magazine hate carrots so much? Maybe they figured that if they put him on the cover an all-out riot would break out, because bitches would stab each other in the eyes to get a copy. Yeah, that’s probably it. He better not get passed up for People’s Sexiest Mutant Alive title.

I guess Hugh Jackman is a close second behind Carrot Top. I’m okay with the cover, but it needs more…um…more…nudity. And the cover also should have been Hugh making THIS FACE. Now that shit is sexy.

Hugh said that when his wife found out he was the sexiest man alive, she said, “Obviously, Brad wasn’t available this year.” Just like Kim from the “Housewives of Atlanta” (see below), Hugh’s wife is a vampire who can’t see her own reflection in the mirror. If I was her, I would’ve shouted, “OH YES! You’re the sexiest bitch past, present and future. You are hotter than a Wonky’s pussy in a convection oven. Please never leave me. Please! Please!” Because the woman should be sucking the cheddar out of his peen for staying with her.

The rest of People’s list includes some of the usual suspects:

Daniel Craig – I give this pick two dildo claps!
Jon Hamm – See above and add an extra clap!
Zac Efron – No, but he’s a shoo-in for the sexiest pretty princess award!
Robert Buckley – Stop trying to make “Lipstick Jungle” happen!
Blair Underwood – Fuck, fuck yes.
Ed Westwick – See above and add two extra fucks.
Michael Phelps – No. The body is sexy, but the face didn’t get the memo.
Blake Shelton – Who?!
Lang Lang – See above and add an extra question mark.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar – Is it 1990 again?
Javier Bardem – My no-no approves!
Robert Pattinson – His magical hair has hypnotized me into approving.
Joshua Jackson – Ew! Gross! Barf!
David Beckham – We get it, Becks is hot. Time to move on….

Click here if you want to see Hugh’s interview interview along with pictures and shit.

Cover VIA Cover Awards

Last night’s season finale of “The Not Really Housewives of Atlanta” was just a little hors d’oeuvre to hold us over before the monumental crazy feast known as the reunion show. In the clip above, I added the preview to the reunion show and this shit looks like it’s going to be a religious experience. This shit is going to be every Jerry Springer and Marilyn Kagan episode wrapped in a big, busted weave bow. When NeNe says “close your legs to married men,” she was talking to Kim’s wig. This kind of confirms that Big Papa is married. Anyway, that shit is on next week and I’m already lighting the candles.

In the first few minutes into last night’s episode, Kim actually said the words, “NeNe looks like a drag queen.” Kim really must be a vampire, because obviously she can’t see herself in a mirror. And Kim’s asshole must be relieved that caca never passes through its hole since it’s obvious that Kim shits through her mouth. After I finished cleaning the Smirnoff Ice I spit all over my sofa from Kim’s delusional words, I watched the rest of the episode. Nothing really, really happened….

DeShawn continued to talk with a locked jaw, Sheree continued to work on her busted fashion line which will hit stores….NEVER, Lisa continued to be a serious businesswoman, Kim continued to be fucked in the brains and NeNe continued to rule my world. I learned that NeNe has the handwriting of a grade school serial killer. It looks like I wrote that letter to Curtis with my feet!

The clip above pretty much sums everything up. Lisa throws a dinner for all the housewives to bury the hatchet. NeNe calls Kim “small” (the only thing small about Kim is her brain) and is about to unleash her fury on her when Mister NeNe stops and gives some kind of motivational speech. It was like Bill Cosby jumped in his body to deliver words of wisdom. I wanted to push him out of the way, so that NeNe could rip Kim’s wig off, drop it off at the dog pound, come back to the restaurant and get on with beating down Kim! That never happened and instead everyone played nice….until next week.

But we did learn that Kim and her mysterious Big Papa broke up (aka his wife found out)! I hope that before they broke up, he bought her a charm bracelet with the letters K-A-T on it.

P.S. – “Lisa Wu has her doubts” is my new life motto.