Everybody Into Quarantine!

/ November 19, 2008

Wonky McValtrex and Benji Madden are reportedly no longer bumping ass warts which means they are out in the wild spreading their skank! While we’re running for quarantine shelters, the bitches who make Valtrex are having a fun time parade! Their #1 converter is going back to work!

According to Star Magazine, Wonky quit Benji because he’s too-controlling. When he found out that she was being gross with Nachos in Miami, he freaked out at her. Benji totally did the “smell the puss” test on her.

The source said, “She couldn’t take his overbearing ways anymore. It was stressing her out. He can be very aggressive and he was just too much trouble. She felt she couldn’t cut loose and party. He doesn’t drink and doesn’t think she should either. She felt too fenced in.

I think in Wonky-talk “fenced in” means that Benji wouldn’t let other dudes space dock her.

Benji apparently is herpmatized, because he wanted a second chance from Wonky. “He fought for a second chance and asked if they could talk it out but Paris said she was done talking.” That’s because she probably already lined up two dozen rebound dicks.

You know that somewhere in the world Nicole Richie is eating her one chickpea lunch and screaming “Halleljuah” because she doesn’t have to see Wonky’s skank ass face at Madden gatherings anymore. It was bad enough that she had to play fake nice with her for the cameras.

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Suri Cruise Named “Hottest Celebrity Tot”

/ November 19, 2008

And that’s exactly what Suri Cruise thinks of this shit! Forbes.com came out with their second annual “Hollywood’s 10 Hottest Tots” list and Suri came out on top. I think Pedo Bear co-sponsored this shit. I mean, “hottest“? Maybe they are referring to the fact that Suri’s never wearing a jacket, so she must be hot literally. Unfortunately, that’s not what they mean.

Forbes came up with their list by looking at each celebrity kid and how much media attention they get. Suri beat out all the Jolie-Pitt messiahs, because she was in more magazines and blogs than them. Only 3 out of the ten thousand Brangelina deities made the list: Shiloh, Pax and Zahara. Forbes will probably be shut down by the “powers above” next week for not including Brangelina’s golden twins on that list.

Here’s the Top 10:

1. Suri Cruise (daughter of Katie Holmes and Chris Klein Tommy Girl)
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (you know who her parents are)
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt (see above)
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt (see above)
5. Sam Alexis-Woods (daughter of Tiger Woods)
6. Cruz Beckham (son of Posh & Becks)
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (daughter of Michelle Williams & Heath Ledger)
8. David Banda (son of Vadge & Guy Ritchie)
9. SPF (son of Brit Brit & KFed)
10. Sam Sheen (daughter of Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen)

I can’t wait for Forbes annual Sexiest Celebrity Fetuses list!

Source

Thanks Heather

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What Was Wrong With The Original Wino?

/ November 19, 2008

The Original Wino was on a flight from Los Angeles to London when she got sick on the flight and needed some kind of medical attention. She probably ate the fish. Don’t eat the fish.

Wino was sick enough for the pilot to ask for priority landing into Heathrow. When they arrived, medical bitches met her at the gate and immediately transported her ill ass to the hospital.

Her spokeswhore said this shit: “She did fall ill on a flight and as a precautionary measure, was taken to a hospital. She was there maybe an hour and was released. The bottom line is she is in good health.”

Hmmm….let’s go through the “Why was Wino Sick” checklist: Diarrhea? Naw. She watched “Autumn in New York” on the flight? Naw. The klepto in her made her swallow the first-class napkins? Possibly. Too many dolls? Ding ding ding!

Wait. Does customs and the drug dogs check your ass when you have to be taken to the hospital directly from the gate? The Original Wino is a genius drug mule!

Source

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Afternoon Crumbs

/ November 19, 2008

Eva LongWhoria is wearing her Spanx wrong. They really should be worn over her face!- Hollywood Tuna

Jenny Aniston and Gerry Butler are together, but not in that way – Just Jared

Marky Mark hates Scientology – Lainey Gossip

These bitches want to make pole dancing an Olympic sport (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Jennifer Ellison takes staged candid pictures to the next level – Egotastic!

The dudes at the “Milk” premiere forgot to shave – Popsugar

Robert Pattinson talks about gay relationships – Towleroad

Megan Fox is pretty, David Silver not so much – IDLYITW

Enrique Iglesias got kicked out – Hollywood Rag

Who’s the Camel Toe Queen? – Cityrag

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Trouble In Gayelle Paradise

/ November 19, 2008

HoHan and SamRo got into a fight in London last night over a big dick named Calum Best. That’s what The Sun claims anyway. HoHan used to rub her worn-out kitty all over Calum’s Gouda peen and the two met up again at a club. A source said HoHan and Calum danced together which made SamRo one angry lezzie. HoHan and SamRo apparently started fighting which ended in both of them leaving the club.

They got into the car together, but when they arrived back at their hotel, SamRo stormed off in a cloud of saw dust. You know, because lezzies like wood working and stuff. Yeah, the joke doesn’t really work if I have to explain it in detail. Just give me an endearing look and continue eating your panini.

HoHan stayed behind in the car for around 10-minutes. One source said, “It was quite clear something was up. Lindsay had tears in her eyes as she left.”

Okay, you know shit is bad when you’re fighting about Calum Best! The douche isn’t even hot when you look at him upside down while jacking it. Almost everyone is hot when your head and genitals are fighting for blood flow. Don’t look at me that way!

Here’s more of the weepy maybe bi-sexual last night. Wait. Is Calum Best wearing fur?! Where’s that crazy French flour bomber when you need her?

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Stephen Baldwin Is Here To Stay

/ November 19, 2008

You know where Stephen Baldwin can put that vibrating toothbrush….

Before the election ended, the mega cum fart known as Stephen Baldwin vowed to move to Canada if Obama became president. He now claims it was all just a joke. A joke that nobody is laughing at. Stephen told, Page Six, “The liberal Democrats who didn’t get that I was joking need to lighten up. Obama is obviously talented and intelligent, and I have great respect for the man. He’s got my full support, and I’m gonna be praying for him and his administration.

Tammy from “The Real World: Los Angeles,” where are you, girl? Your assistance is needed again. We need you to come over here, put that scarf-thing on your head, wrap yourself in a comforter and scream to Stephen Baldwin, “It wasn’t not funny!

Stephen went on to talk about what he would do if gay marriage ever becomes legal, “If they legalize gay marriage in all 50 states in my lifetime, I’ll get a Billy Ray Cyrus tattoo on my butt to go with the Hannah Montana one.

Um….Stephen from “The Real World: Seattle,” where are you, girl? Your assistance is needed. We need you to come over here, throw Stephen Baldwin’s stuffed puppy into the water and then scream “Irene! Irene!” before slapping him in his smug face.

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