Velveeta?!

/ November 21, 2008

Bitches of the media got to screen the first 30-minutes of Brit Brit’s documentary “For The Record” yesterday, so quotes are starting to leak out and shit. MTV will air it on November 30th. From what I’ve read, Brit Brit sounds like she’s just bored with everything. She’s taking her meds, staying away from the Venti Frapps, going through the motions and just doing what she’s told.

When talking about what life is like now, Brit said, “I’m kind of stuck in this place and I’m like, How do you deal? I just cope with it every day….It’s better not to feel anything at all and have hope than to feel the other way….It’s bad. I’m sad. It’s like Groundhog Day every day. It’s really boring….Normal is really different for everybody….In my situation, I try to make it as normal as possible for me….It could be a lot worse. There are people out there who have it a lot worse than I do….I used to be a cool chick but I feel like the paparazzi has taken that away from me, like, the way I used to live my life. I used to be a cool chick but I’m not anymore.”

Cool chick? Brit Brit, Jennifer Aniston wants you to know that saying you used to be a “cool chick” is really uncool.

I think I know why Brit Brit is so weepy. In one of the first scenes from Brit Brit’s docu-thingee, Daddy Spears is in the kitchen making her cheese grits using……VELVEETA. VEL-FUCKING-VEETA! That should be a bad word in the Spears household. This is the only reason why Brit is sad and bored. Daddy Spears has been depriving Brit of the food of her gods!

Chester Cheetah just had a coronary.

Image VIA Rakka

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Morning Wood

/ November 21, 2008

Hugh Jackman is not gay, so says his beard…I mean…wife – Celebitchy

Reese Witherspoon is not ready to make an honest woman out of Jakey Poo Socialite Life

Lara Flynn Boyle, please join me for a 10-course dinner at Claim Jumper – ICYDK

What do People’s Sexiest Men alive smell like? – Mollygood

Solange is a versatile talent. She can lip-synch and piss on a stick at the same time! – Crunk + Disorderly

The joke tells itself: Pete Wentz didn’t know where the vagina was located – I’m Not Obsessed

Brit Brit looking like she just got flour bombed – ONTD

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Rosie O Will Not Be Silenced!

/ November 21, 2008

Barbara Walters said on “The View” yesterday that she wished that “lady” (aka Rosie O) would keep her pussy vacuum closed about her time on the show. Rosie O can never be silenced, so she responded on her blog. In the clip above, Rosie watches the clip of B.Walt while making curious faces. These are probably the same facial expressions I made when I first got my no-no tickled. I went from being confused to being surprised to completely giving in.

After she finished watching the clip, Rosie said, ““I do not know what Star Jones and Debbie Matenopoulos did, but oooooh, LADY… she is pissed off!” Haha. Cue laugh track. Blah blah blah…. Instead of leaving it at that, Rosie kept blabbing about it on Conan O’Brien last night.

The sarcasm came pouring out of her mouth hole when told Conan, “Listen, I don’t want to dump on the show in order to benefit my own career, you know, to use it for publicity because I didn’t have a career before that show. So, I’m very thankful to The View for the help that it’s given me in my life. And I’m a big fan of the program and the producer.”

I wish Babs would respond to this shit on “The View” this morning, but she probably forgot all about it already. When she watched Conan last night, she made a mental note to talk about that “LADY” on the show again, but then something shiny caught her eye and she totally forgot about it. Instead of talking about that “LADY” this morning, she’s going to talk about the pretty shiny thing that mesmerized her last night.

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Guy Ritchie Is Officially Free!

/ November 21, 2008

Guy Ritchie is probably feeling an unfamiliar itching down below this morning, because his nutsack has finally returned to him! Reunited and it feels so saggy!

A court in the UK declared Vadge & Guy’s 7-year marriage over in just a matter of minutes. It will take about six weeks of gross paperwork for the divorce to be finalized and official. Both Vadge and Guy decided to skip the court party today. She’s on tour in Philadelphia and he’s filming in Liverpool.

According to the papers,the two haven’t lived together for 6-months. Vadge signed a sworn statement saying that the reason their marriage failed was due to Guy’s “unreasonable behaviour.” She also said his bad behavior was continuing.

Unreasonable behavior? Eating a delicious cheeseburger is unreasonable behavior to her. Fuck. Disagreeing with her opinion is unreasonable. Shit. Having any kind of fun is unreasonable! She should have just wrote that he didn’t follow THE CONTRACT! “Contract, Guy, contract. You didn’t follow it.

There were reports that Guy Ritchie told Vadge to keep her sweet money, but The Sun claims that isn’t so. According to their asses, Guy will get to keep his pub, the country estate and he will also get a cash payment of £25million (or $50USD after the conversion).

Last night, Guy told reporters, “It was never about money – never about her bloody art collection. I just wanted to settle it and move on. I didn’t raise any objections at any stage until she insisted the children lived permanently in New York.

Now that they are pretty much divorced, can Vadge please give back the British accent?

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Saint Angie Rules The Celebrity Media

/ November 21, 2008

The New York Times ran an article yesterday on how Saint Angelina keeps her holy image by controlling the celebrity media. None of this is really OMGJAWDROPPING news, because we all know she’s a famewhore who can basically get what she wants with just a snap from her praying mantis fingers. But it’s interesting to read about her famewhoring at work.

When People Magazine handed over $14 million to Brangelina for the exclusive photos of the beloved twin messiahs, it wasn’t only about the money. Saint Angie wanted more. She wanted their soooouuuulllls. Basically. Before they shook hands, Saint Angie wanted People to agree that they would only show her family in a positive light. Not just for the twins issue, but also in the future (aka FOREVER).

Saint Angie also sent People a memo stating what she kind of coverage she wanted to see in the story. People had to submit some kind of editorial plan based on her requirements for the twins story before she agreed to go with them.

People also promised that they would never use the term “Brangelina,” because Saint Angie and Brad hate it. Good to know. If you’re ever near the holy family, just start screaming “BRANGELINA!” and then sit back and watch Saint Angie’s forehead veins pop in anger.

A spokeswhore for People said the Times source is lie-telling and that ” the magazine does not determine editorial content based on the demands of outside parties.” Oh, but Saint Angie is not an “outside party.” She’s always an “inside party.” I don’t know what that means exactly, but you know.

In 2003 when Saint Angie and Billy Bob split up, UsWeekly asked her for an interview, but she turned their asses down. But later a source said Angie told UsWeekly the exact time and place she would be out playing with Maddox in public. Of course, the pappies came out and Saint Angie ended up looking like a mother trying to have a private moment with her son, instead of a famewhore who manipulated the shot.

And when Saint Angie’s hypnotic vagina tore down Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s home, she immediately went on damage control and visited Pakistan so the focus would be on her charity work instead of her homewrecking ways.

Trevor Neilson, her philanthropic advisor, said, “People don’t realize the complexity of what Angie is doing. A lot of her charity work is done quietly and not in front of the media.”

To sum it up: Saint Angie is the famewhore of all famewhores and a media mastermind!

This is only the beginning!!!! In the near future, all of us will receive memos from the holy BRANGELINA (HA!) family stating what kind of thoughts we can have about them. Trust me, she can read our minds. The minute we start to think, “I like Jennifer Aniston,” we’re immediately moved to the top of the “eternity in hell” list.

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Mowgli From “The Jungle Book” Does Not Approve!

/ November 21, 2008

Asshole Simpson and Pete Wentz’s Emo Baby decided to take his chances and finally come out, but he will probably regret that decision for the rest of his life! Asshole finally popped out a baby boy yesterday in Los Angeles after being pregnant for like 2 or 3 years at least! He weighed in at 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long and these two dumb fuck douche bags named the poor boy BRONX MOWGLI WENTZ. As if he didn’t have it bad enough with these two as parents, the big-tittied frog as an aunt and Papa Joe as his pepaw. BRONX MOWGLI? He’s probably already on his way to his lawyer’s office to file for emancipation from his parents. Naming a kid that is child abuse.

I mean, BRONX MOWGLI? First of all, his initials are BMW! Trust me. That wasn’t a coincidence. They just want free shit. Second of all, his short initials are BM. Third of all, the name Mowgli is already taken by that boy from “The Jungle Book“! I knew these short bus rejects would deliver a truly busted baby name, but they took the fucking cake, ate it, barfed it up and then ate it again.

A spokeswhore for Ass & Pete said, “Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!

Correction: BMW is not happy. Ass and Pete may think he’s crying, because he’s a little baby, but that’s not the case. He’s crying because his name is BMW and he already hates life!!! With a name like BMW, he can either be a low-rent neighborhood rapper or a low-rent neighborhood DJ.

Somewhere in the world, Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale has stopped crying over his name and is finally smiling, because someone has an even fuglier name than him.

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