James Franco's in GQ Magazine showing off his black belt fisting skills. Teen Mom Farrah doesn't know whether to close her legs or try to book James for the sequel to her porn - Lainey Gossip

Why is an inflatable green ball with a face trying to nibble on Heidi Klum's tit? - Drunken Stepfather

When Denise Richards turned down Charlie Sheen's stack of cash for taking care of twins he just shrugged and said, "More snatch and coke for me then!" - Celebitchy

Either Emma Watson's nipple is really long and skinny or she got a hamburger grease stain on her dress - The Superficial 

Just Jack is on TV again - Towleroad

Porn Iguana or Snookitina or a little of both?- Hollywood Tuna

The morphing of Blair Waldorf and JLo was at the FOX Upfronts - Popoholic

Jimmy Choo wants Nicole Kidman's feet - Just Jared

LuMann and Aviva might not be in the next season of Real Houseflies of New York City - Reality Tea

The look on Tori Spelling's kids faces says it all - ICYDK

Douche parade and yes, I'd hit them all - The Berry 

Vanessa Hudgens either has a herp sore or one of the paps blew a fart her way - IDLYITW

B. Coop wants a lot of balls on his head - Popsugar

Carrie Underwears isn't ready to rent her womb out to a baby yet - I'm Not Obsessed

Oh...Brooke Mueller.... - HuffPo

Ling Woo > Sandra Bullock - Jezebel

$950 for a shot glass that looks like an oversized thimble from Monopoly?  - Videogum

The last time something this hot, spicy and juicy hit Seaside Heights, it was a wart and it was attached to Snooki's puss. Thankfully, this time around the CDC didn't have to get involved when a piping hot piece of juicy hotness hit the boardwalk. If you think I'm talking about Chris Christie instead of Prince Hot Ginge, that works too. I mean, who can resist a piece who wears his pants all the way up to his chest dumplings?

PHG is continuing to bless the lands of America and today he visited the Seaside Boardwalk with Governor Chris Christie, because that's what princes do, they visit things. PHG and his new best brofriend Chris Christie played games, said hi to Hurricane Sandy victims and then they memorialized the day by getting matching DTF tattoos on the inside of their bottom lips.

And for why is Mr. Slugworth from the Wonka Chocolate Factory standing behind PHG in that picture above?

In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a "lightning rod" and people constantly "project a lot of stuff" onto her. She doesn't ready any of that stuff, because it's none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she's too privileged, but she's just a woman with real problems. Goopy's not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn't know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!

When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today's writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:

"Are you crazy? I'm like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite."

Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of "literally" is or she's trying to tell us that she's got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she's offending "transvestites" everywhere, because no transvestite I've seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.

And I have only one response to her "I'm like RuPaul" comment:

Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.

Way before the Fastpass existed, I worked at Disneyland and my friends who worked the rides would complain to me about the fraudulent, shady whores who'd fake an injury to get to the front of the line. They'd tell me about schemers who'd roll up into the handicap line in a wheelchair and act like they had a broken ankle or some crap like that. My friends would tell me that the only thing broken on those whores were their sense of morals. While they went on and on about how disgusting those fakers were, I thought to myself, "That's actually a smart scheme." Sigourney Weaver's Heartbreakers character is one of my idols, so that explains why I have those thoughts.

Well, the New York Post says that some tour guide companies have taken that scheme to a whole new level and are renting out disabled tour guides to richies who can't be bothered with waiting in long lines at Disney World. Dr. Wednesday Martin (that's a hot name) found out about the underground network of "black market" Disney World tour guides while doing research for her book Primates of Park Avenue.

Some richies used to pay $310 to $380 an hour for a VIP guide and Fastpasses from Disney World's own tour department. But now some of those richies are paying a disabled tour guide from an outside tour company $130 an hour to pretend to be a member of their family. Disney World allows each guest who needs a wheelchair or motorized scooter to bring up to six guests with them to a special handicap entrance. Some rich Manhattan moms say that it's easier and cheaper than using a VIP guide.

Dr. Wednesday says that not everybody can call up and rent a disabled tour guide. You have to get a referral, so some Upper East Side twats see it as fucked up status symbol. Dr. Wednesday explained it to the Post:

“Who wants a speed pass when you can use your black-market handicapped guide to circumvent the lines all together? So when you’re doing it, you’re affirming that you are one of the privileged insiders who has and shares this information.”

Dream Tours Florida, one of the companies named by Manhattan richies as a provider of disabled tour guides, denied taking part in the scheme. The dude who runs the place, Ryan Clement, said that his tour guide girlfriend Jacie Christiano has an auto-immune disorder and uses a motorized scooter on the job, but that she isn't exploiting her disability for profit.

I don't know about this mess... Wouldn't the employees at Disney World realize that something in the milk wasn't clean every time Jacie rolled on in with new family members. How many times can you say, "Oh, these are my second cousins from my father's side"? But then again, I can say that truthfully since I have at least 30,000 cousins.

And this scheme is giving Pimp Mama Kris ideas. Rob Kardashian's sock line tanked and he's eating more money than he's worth, so it's only a matter of time before PMK dangles a piece of bacon at his face with one hand and Tonya Hardings him in the knee with the other. Then he can go work for Dream Tours and add something to the Kartrashian family fortune.

The Bumblebeys (yes, I get pus-filled hives on my fingers every time I type that) of Antwerp, Belgium won't be able to see their Queen of the Beyhive (there comes those hives again) make overexcited dog faces (see: the face above) in concert, because she has canceled tonight's show and she might cancel tomorrow night's show too. According to UsWeekly, Beyonce's spokeswhore tells the AP that she's come down with a serious case of the tireds and a serious case of the thirsties. Beyonce just needs to put on her restin' wig and have a seat. (Yes, some of you have been telling her to have a seat for years and she's finally answering your prayers.)

Beyonce is one month into her Mrs. Carter Show world tour and she has three more months to go. Beyonce's rep says that doctors ordered her to lie down on a pile of freshly plucked swan feathers as her minions bring her hand-carved ice balls on a gold platter. I'm really supposed to beylieve that Beyonce's doctors ordered her to rest? Beyonce probably went up to her doctors and said, "Hi, I'm Beyonce, write me a sick note now. I'm waiting, whore."

Beyonce's rep also said that Beyonce's doctors will decide soon if she's going to perform tomorrow night.

Usually when celebwhores use the "exhaustion" excuse, it means they're cracked out on crack or they don't want to tell people the real reason for why they're canceling shit. So of course this is just giving more life to the rumor that she's expecting another chosen one. If that's the case, then I totally believe that Beyonce is tired and dehydrated. Because walking around with a pillow strapped to your belly is really tiring and just thinking about it makes me thirsty for a cold pop.

Just a few hours after St. Angie Jo's op-ed piece for The New York Times filled up everybody's Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and life feeds, Brad Pitt released his own statement to The London Evening Standard.

As Chelsea Handler's forehead vein explodes while she tries to figure out what in the fuck she's going to say about this, Brad Pitt released this statement of words. It's best if you read it in his Chanel No. 5 voice, especially the "absolutely heroic" part.

“Having witnessed this decision firsthand, I find Angie’s choice, as well as so many others like her, absolutely heroic. I thank our medical team for their care and focus. All I want for is for her to have a long and healthy life, with myself and our children. This is a happy day for our family.”

But isn't almost every day a happy day for Brad Pitt? He has millions of dollars, a cellar full of the finest good shit, locks full of grease that can double as peen lube, is always in the presence of Zahara's signature up-eye and he's usually stoned to infinity and beyond. So it's an EXTRA happy day.

If you're hoping that next season, NBC will completely retool SNL and fill it with nothing but skits starring Stefon (they can call it Stefonly Night Live)... Well, I have to break your boner of dreams, because that's not happening. Stefon (real name: William Hader) told The New York Times (Side note: In the past 12 hours, I've been posting so much stuff from The New York Times. Does that me smarter or them trashier?) that he'll take his final bow on the SNL stage during Saturday's season finale. Bill Hader has been on SNL for 8 years and he says that it's time for him to officially, once and for all quit that bitch:

“It was a hard decision, but it has to happen at some point. It got to a point where I said, ‘Maybe it’s just time to go.’ ”

Seth Meyers is leaving after next season to do Late Night and the Times says that Fred Armisen and Jason Sudeikis might also follow Bill Hader out the exit door.

The good news is that now Bill Hader has time to make a road trip movie starring himself as Stefon and himself as Lindsey Buckingham.

Courtney Stodden was afraid jumping out of a cake for her husband's birthday party would mess up her lip gloss, so she opted for plan B. - jellin76

Runners-up:

So...your prostitute's name was Tucky Charms, who kept bragging about being "Magically Suspicious", and you woke up this morning with a weird phallic shaped bruise on your face? Well, that is a mystery... - cs182

It was only a matter of time before someone found another use for that lickable wallpaper from Willy Wonka's factory tour. - Migraine Sally

Charlie Sheen knew exactly what to get his twin boys for their fifth birthday. He wasn't worried about the size - they'd grow into it. - LaChaylo

via Fail Blog (Thanks, Darla)

Drunk Ass Sandra Lee's pet cockatoo Phoenix!

For a week, the Food Network's resident drunk mess Sandra Lee told The New York Times' Fashion & Style section what she wore every day and the article is a lie, because nowhere does it say that she wore vodka stains, puddles of dried Elmer's Glue and splashes of Hpnotiq on her clothes daily. But anyway, the First Drunk Lady of New York talked about how her pet cockatoo Phoenix, a gift from her piece Governor Andrew Cuomo, ruined the dress she was going to wear to the Met Gala. It goes without saying, but I LOVE PHOENIX! Drunk Ass Sandy put it like this:

Two weeks before, I had received my invitation to the Met Gala excited about this year’s theme: punk. I had a Vivienne Westwood dress, midnight black, perfectly beaded bodice and floor-length multilayered tulle skirt — perfect for the gala. I entered the walk-in closet to find Phoenix had severed nearly every bead, crystal and pearl from the dress. No joke. Into the cage Phoenix went...

More like, into the microwave Phoenix went..... On the next Semi-Homemade, Drunk Ass Sandy will make "almost tastes like chicken" cockatoo enchiladas using leftover tortillas from El Pollo Loco, the dried crust stuck to the lid of a jar of Tostito's queso dip, fire-roasted salsa packets from Taco Bell and a dollop of Daisy.

Phoenix was just doing Drunk Ass Sandy a favor. The Met Gala's theme was "punk" so he was punking that dress up. Drunk Ass Sandy was too drunk to appreciate Phoenix's styling skills. I doubt that was the first time Phoenix messed up something in Drunk Ass Sandy's house. Every time she makes one of her busted ass tablescapes, Phoenix probably tears that mess apart. Phoenix is one of us!

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