As Tommy Girl ran down the Great Wall of China with glee, he wondered which way to the nearest glory hole  - Lainey Gossip

Snoop Lion was practically the Mother Theresa of pimps (served in a bong made of sarcasm) - The Superficial 

I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it, I'd hit it - The Berry 

Julia Roberts hates her future brother-in-law - Celebitchy

Why does it look like Kylie Minogue is farting into Kylie Minogue's hand? - Drunken Stepfather

Elisabeth Moss > everybody else - Towleroad

The Playmate of the Year is smiling her forehead vein off, because she's happy that Hugh Hefner only makes blondes stand in the fuck line in his bedroom at the end of the night - Hollywood Tuna 

....as Jill Zarin cackles while feeding jelly beans to Kelly Bensimon - Reality Tea

Megan Fox continues to look nothing like April O'Neil - Popoholic

Annie from 90210 wore a wedding dress that she can also wear on the day her marriage dies - ICYDK

Gunnar Nelson's son can't live without your love and eduction - Jezebel

Teen Mom Farrah is too fame whore-ish for a sugar daddy site - IDLYITW

Outtakes from Miley Cyrus' Maxim spread! - OMG Blog 

Aaaaaand Anne Hathaway's hair is starting to look like crap now - Popsugar

Vomit Inducer of the Day: LaDouche in LaUGGs - Just Jared

Lady CaCa looks hot here! - Boy Culture

The ginger from Brave got a little work done - Videogum

Bravo needs to give Miss Gone with The Wind Fabulous a raise, because that weave looks like it was donated - Crunk + Disorderly

The paparazzi still show up when Ceiling Eyes calls - Hollywood Rag

Justin Beibeer - I'm Not Obsessed

Above is the trailer for August: Osage County, which George Clooney isn't in, but he's one of the producers and his name comes up first, so he's obviously the MOST IMPORTANT thing about this movie. I never saw or read the play, so I don't know for sure, but isn't it supposed to be dark and cynical and heartbreaking and shit? This looks like a semi-uplifting family comedy that ends with everybody skipping through the fields while a Sheryl Crow song plays. Then during the credits, they'll show bloopers. But DAMN at Ewan McGregor's hotness. Who knew that when you put a beard on him and drop in the south, he can make my nipples twitch.

Below is the trailer for Gravity, which George Clooney is in for second. This is the movie that Alfonso Cuarón has tried to make forever. Angie Jolie was going to do it, then she passed, then they begged her again, then she passed again, then they almost got Natalie Portman, then Natalie Portman passed and then they finally got Sandra Bullock. Sandra and George play two astronauts who go to space together. One second they're like, "Oooh, everything's so pretty," and then the next second they're like, "Aaaaaah, we're dying!" Their space shuttle blows up and Sandra goes drifting into space by herself. It's like 127 Hours and Open Water in SPACE!

And some people got really nervous and had to reach for the oxygen mask while watching this, but I just wondered if Sandra Bullock put on an extra pair of space diapers underneath her suit. Because the only thing worse than floating aimlessly through space is floating aimlessly through space in a suit full of caca.

It took me way too long to realize that this isn't Riff Raff in candy raver drag (no offense to Riff Raff or candy ravers or drag queens). Ke$hit's stylists must constantly challenge themselves to make her look as ridiculously fug as possible, because on the L.A. set of her video for "Crazy Kids" yesterday, she walked around looking like candy anal beads pulled out of a blue Peeps' dirty ass.

Bitch needs to give those corn rows back to James Franco's Spring Breakers character, give those shoes back to Baby Spice, give those glasses back to Elton John and give those thigh highs back to the Easter time stripper she stole them from. Ke$hit can keep the hoodie, though, because I'm pretty it's got open sores all over it.

The Sun says that international fashion icon Suri Cruise has signed (or scribbled) a $2.3 million deal to start her own fashion line for children called Suri. Since this is coming from The Sun, then the chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of Tommy Girl twirling out of the Scientology closet and becoming a spokesperson for GLAAD and the head pharmaceutical rep for the makers of Prozac. But I wish this was made of organic truthiness.

The Sun says that Suri's fashion line will hit New York department stores first and if toddlers with their own credit cards buy it all up, the plan is put the line into department stores across the country. Some source (aka The Sun's intern who was forced to come into the office on a bank holiday) said, “Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes. She has been through a very difficult year and adapted amazingly to her new life in New York, including the upheaval of starting normal school. This is a nice hobby for her, it’s certainly not going to take over her life. Most girls dream of being able to make their own clothes, this just means her drawings will now become a reality. It’ll be interesting to see how it pans out, there’s nothing around quite like it.”

The world really, really does need a Suri Cruise fashion line. Suri has probably stopped trying to help Katie Holmes, because that homely, raggedy thing is a lost cause (see pictures of Katie Holmes looking like a homely, raggedy thing last month), but maybe she can help others be a more fashionable them. There are so many toddlers out there looking a damn mess. You don't know how many times I see a toddler out there in sweats, t-shirts, sneakers and normal kid clothes that every normal kid should wear and think to myself, "How could they crawl out of the house looking like that?"

So we really do need Suri to teach the children of the world how to dress. The Sun's article is fiction, but hopefully it turns into fact and Suri puts out a line of $500 kitten heels and daddy & me matching skinny jeans (in the same size!).

Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter is down in her studio, drooling out sketches of one-of-a-kind couture gowns for toddlers of the half percent. Making off-the-rack clothes for kids is so GAUCHE!

Phoebe Price's team of high-powered lawyers are filing a trademark-infringement lawsuit against American Vogue right now for calling Kate Upton the "hottest supermodel on Earth." Hell, I think Earth is going to also sue Vogue for slander, because this is a lie and this is how fraudulent rumors get started! But other than that, I like the cover, but only because Kate's brows look like a delicious Sunday afternoon snack.

Those brows look like two trays of seven-layer dip. She's got them frijoles brows. Underneath that thick layer of baked refried beans are layers of cheese, guacamole, salsa, sour cream and another layer of refried beans. I just want to stick a tortilla chip in them.

But now that I look at them closer... They're so thick that they kind of look like dog poop brows. Ugh. Put the tortilla chips away. Why do my eyes and trash brain have to ruin everything?

For the next few weeks, The Betty Ford Center will be known as the halfway house for Charlie Sheen's down-and-out hos, because two members of his crackubine harem are drying out in there.

After Brooke Mueller's twins were taken out of her home and given to Denise Richards, she checked herself into rehab to deal with an addiction to prescription pills (that's what her rep, yes she has one, says anyway). TMZ says that Brooke is trying to get clean in Betty Ford, the same place where Lindsay Lohan is staying for the next few weeks (or until she drives every member of the staff crazy and they become crackheads themselves and set her free).

TMZ's source says that Brooke and LiLo are staying in the hospital wing of Betty Ford and have already bumped into each other. I think the source meant "did bumps together," but I'm not sure.

This could end one of two ways: Brooke and LiLo could join forces, rally up the other patients, raid the locked medicine cabinet and burn Betty Ford's legacy down to the ground. It'd sort of be like Crackhead of the Flies. Or maybe Brooke and LiLo will look at each other's methed-out faces and think to themselves, "Gross, I don't want to be THAT messy," and sober up. If that happens, the Southern California drug industry will be on the verge of collapsing and sad Charlie Sheen will miserably walk the streets while holding a sign that reads, "Save the Coke Industry! Snort A Line Today!"

PRINCE HOT GINGE HAS COME (and so have all of us) TO AMERICA! The American air is now infused with royal gingerness, so breathe it in.

Prince Hot Ginge is in the US for 8 days, which means we can all expect to see pictures of him sunbathing naked on the White House lawn with Joe Biden, doing body shots off of John Boehner with Helen Thomas and being the freckled meat in an Obama freak dance sandwich on the dance floor. But before he does all that, PHG is doing some serious charity work stuff. For part of his first day in DC yesterday, he spent time with kids of military families at an even horning military mothers.

Yeah, PHG loves the chirrun and the chirrun love him. He's like SpongeBob SquarePants if SpongeBob SquarePants had the face of a ginger adonis, hair like Zeus' pubes and took his pants off every time he got drunk on vodka. A reader sent me these pictures and was like, "I love a ginger who's great with kids." I love a man who is great with kids too. If I wanted kids, I'd find a man who loved kids, because then his ass can deal them while I get drunk by myself in the other room.

Another reason to love PHG.

But more importantly, why didn't they paint the White House ginger to honor this important historic occasion?!

Donald Trump was forced to drop his lawsuit when photos of his biological parents emerged. - H321

Runners-up:

Go to Australia, they said. The hot little natives there will be jumping all over your crotch, they said. - ImpertinentVixen

Abandon me in Germany? Look at me now bitch! - daisy100

Farrah, thought the money was going to your child's education? Not on a topless beach vacay in St Tropez. - El Bastardo

via Izismile

The Air Curler, because curling your hair with a regular curling iron is hard!

The Air Curler is a real product that a real company makes and if you want your hair to look like a tangled mop of frizziness (aka like you got attacked by a flock of birds during an electrical storm), then pull out your credit card, because this shit is for you. Or you can just do what they do in this commercial. Put your hair in the Air Curler, spin it around for about 2 seconds, take it out, curl it with a regular curling iron, put it back into the Air Curler and prepare to be amazed by the Air Curler's air curling magic!

But you know what the Air Curler is really good for? For fapping with practically zero clean-up. If you're a dude, just cover the Air Curler's hole with some Plastic Wrap, stick your peen in there and blow away without worrying about cleaning up afterward. You can put the cum rag away when you've got an Air Fapper!

(Thanks, Dr. Jennifer)

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