OK, when the Kitchen Nightmare cameras zoomed in real close I understand why Ramsey sent this pizza back. - TexnDoc

Runners-up:

The yearly cleaning of Mama June's chin folds is going well...no casualties as of yet. - faux_0

Porn from 2025: Middle-Aged Mom Farrah Abraham in Prolapse Boogaloo 14 - Cookie-Slore

In the Crème de menthe liqueur wrestling contest, the "I can lick my own taint' guy always wins. ALWAYS. - AnointyNointy

via Izismile

Darcel Leonard Wynne, one of the original Solid Gold dancers!

Darcel started swishing and swaying her ass on Solid Gold's first official episode in 1980 and quickly became the twerkin gazelle in a sequined headband that everyone wanted to see. She left the show for a second in 1984 to tour with a traveling Christian ministry, but came back the next year and was promoted from lead swisher to part-time MC.

Darcel had moves like a swan in heat, could work a leotard almost better than Richard Simmons and RiRi should take note, because she knew how to accessorize her infinity head of dreams the right way.

Grab a moist towelette to clean up the drool that will dribble out of your eyes and skip to the 6:39 mark to watch Cynthia Bailey's face twin in action:

If all of us had moves like that, the rent would always be paid on time.

Trent Reznor (48)
Kree Harrison (23)
Leven Rambin (23)
Nikki Reed (25)
Tahj Mowry (27)
Derek Hough (28)
Tony Parker (31)
Andrea Corr (39)
Jordan Knight (43)
Tabatha Coffey (44)
Thom Filicia (44)
Cameron Bancroft (46)
Hill Harper (47)
Craig Ferguson (51)
Enya (52)
Sugar Ray Leonard (57)
Bob Saget (57)
Bill Paxton (58)
Grace Zabriskie (72)

Goopy Paltrow is still crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala and she'll keep crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala until it's time for next year's Met Gala, so she can crap at the mouth about it some more. We already know that Goopy would rather blow crack smoke up into the Mayor of Toronto's ass than go to the Met Gala again, because she told everyone not once, but twice. But she didn't say how much she hated the Met Gala in this week's Goop.

Goopy talks about getting ready for the Met Gala and instead of writing, "I should've just worn a Hefty bag so I would've fit in with all the other trash there," she sort of gushed about all the fashion. Goopy said before that everyone at the Met Gala was a little "too old to dress punk," but in this week's Goop she was farting out a different tune:

The Met Ball, at NYC's Metropolitan Museum of Art, is always the year's most elaborate display of incredible fashion and this year was no different. The theme was 'Punk: Chaos to Couture' and when the house of Valentino's Pierpaolo Piccioli and Maria Grazia Chiuri asked me to join them, I was thrilled to see what they would create with my right fashion hand, Elizabeth Saltzman.

We got all inspired in the goop office about punk making a comeback through subtle influence and thus, we asked one of my absolute favorite websites, the most excellently curated SSENSE, to show us how we could work it into our spring/summer wardrobes.

In the parlor at the House of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour temporarily stopped sucking the youth out of a 12-year-old model's mouth, picked up the phone, dialed the number to one of her minions and said, "You can tell every designer to un-blacklist that Goopy bitch now. Actually, wait a couple of days. My nips are getting hard just thinking about her getting kicked out Bergdorf's. Blehehehehee."

Earlier today, I wrote about how internet star Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker chopped off all his hair and went on the run after he allegedly beat a dude to death in New Jersey. Kai didn't get that far. The police caught his ass at a bus station in Philadelphia and are sending him back to New Jersey where he'll be charged for murder. His bail was set at $3 million and you know somebody's going to start a Kickstarter to bail his ass out, because bitches start a Kickstarter for everything.

The police told AP that Kai met the man he allegedly murdered, 73-year-old Joseph Galfy Jr., in Times Square on Saturday night. Joseph brought Kai back to his house and two days later he was dead. One day after the police found Joseph Galfy's body, Kai wrote this on Facebook:

what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house... walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their fuckin load in you? what would you do?

Well, I'd probably just, I don't know, call the fucking police or at least call Mariska Hargitay or something. But if Kai is telling the truth up there, then I guess we know how he handled it. And Shaun White should jumpstart his acting career by playing Kai in the Law & Order: SVU episode based on this.

Putting your hooves through some serious pain must be the thing to do this week.

Julianne Moore sent all her piggies scrambling for air when she shoved all of them into tiny shoes. And now here's Kim Kartrashian with her feet packed so tight into her shoes that they look pig's feet wrapped in plastic. Your feet should not look like they belong in the refrigerator at 99 Ranch Market and my abuelita should not want to use them to make sopa.

What's the point of being pregnant if you're not going to sprawl your ass on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers dipped in Hershey syrup and Fluff? Oh, I guess the point for Kim is to strangle her body with ridiculous clothes and give birth to a baby she can whore out for an extra check. I get it, but DAMN. Bitch's swollen hooves look like they need to be hooked up to an oxygen mask and an IV full of fluids.

And on another note, why is dressed like Jor-El?

Which former boybander, who likes to trash his former father-in-law, better be careful about upsetting his former wife?

After he recently bashed his ex-in-law, his ex-wife has told friends she’ll come to her dad’s defense–telling pals that her ex-man may have a big mouth, but he has a small penis! (Naughty But Nice Rob)

This is the opposite of blind and it's obviously supposed to be about Nick Lachey. No question mark needed. If it is true, then it really isn't a big deal (not punned on purpose), because what Nick lacks in peen he makes up for in tits!

I can tell you that there’s a girl who’s pregnant and even though she says she says that her steady is the father, she’s really not sure it’s not one of her co-stars, who sleeps with almost all their colleagues and with whom she used to bootycall on the regular. Depends on what the mouth looks like when the baby comes. Does that help a little? (Lainey Gossip via Blind Gossip)

Kim Kardashian and Bruce Jenner! Or Heather Morris and Chord Overstreet? If she pops out a giant set of lips covered in blond hair, Maury won't need to step in.

Which celebrity couple, whom recent had an ugly split, is not being totally honest – the two of them have agreed to pretend to be “at war” with each other to add a little drama, and a lot of attention to the otherwise dull story.

“They are both genius when it comes to PR. They know a seemingly ugly divorce will get both of them a lot of attention, which they both love, plus, it will make them both a lot more money in the long run,” one friend of the couple’s explains.

“The two of them still live together and have dinner together most nights, however, whenever they are in public they pretend they have no contact with the other person,” adds another pal. “These two have both worked out how to make a lot of money from being famous and have no plans to stop now. After they officially get divorced they will both be laughing all the way to the bank – together.”

The joke is on us! (Naughty But Nice Rob)

Bethenny Frankelstein and Jason Hoppy?

This B list mostly television actress with A list name recognition from a very hit cable show is set to announce her divorce when she is hidden away filming the next season of her show. She does not want to answer any questions which would seem to mean there is a third person involved. (CDAN)

The only thing I've got is billionaire Julia Louis-Dreyfus?

This A list mostly movie actress says that she wants to get divorced, but does not want to be the bad person so has tried to set up her celebrity husband and get him to cheat with women she has hired. The problem is her husband is so dumb that he believes his wife actually loves him. (CDAN)

Not Goopy, because Goopy is the perfect woman and NOBODY cheats on Goopy. So Julia Roberts?

Either Miley Cyrus dropped half of her chipmunk face on a mountain of coke or her make-up artist hates her and wants people to know it - Hollywood Tuna

Casper Smart's gold digging mission is almost complete and he should be proud of himself for achieving such success before even graduating from potty training academy  - Lainey Gossip

Teen Mom Farrah's backdoor bikini is on eBay and I'm surprised nobody has asked if anal leakage stains are included - Drunken Stepfather

Kirstie Alley is the Rosa Parks of fat actresses, basically - Celebitchy

Try not to spit out your tampon from shock when we all find out that Premo Stallone is an actor Pimp Mama Kris hired to get Kourtney Kartrashian some tabloid attention - The Superficial

Uma Thurman will play Anita Bryant - Towleroad

EVERYBODY'S leaving Saturday Night Live and they might as well just get Justin Timberlake to replace them all and call it a day - Just Jared

Jason Hoppy wants to gag Bethenny Frankelstein, but not in a sexy way - Reality Tea

Emma Watson in W Magazine - Popoholic

Kelly Rowland claims she was jealous of Beyonce being more successful than her after Destiny's Child split up (The Illuminati made her say it)  - ICYDK

The third dude should totally be the next Bachelor - The Berry 

And here's Tom Hopper's ass, because you need something to wipe away the image of Teen Mom Farrah's anal leakage stains - OMG Blog

Selena Gomez seconds after she realized that she dated Justin Bieber once - IDLYITW

Violet from American Horror Story cleans up good - Popsugar

Why Pimp Mama Kris hasn't whored out Rob Kartrashian to Jenny Craig yet is beyond me - I'm Not Obsessed

Fame whore still fighting fame whore fame whore-ly on Twitter - HuffPo

As always, RiRi is the definition of sophistication and demureness - Jezebel

Christina Hendricks' mother, is that you? - SOW

Puppy licks lollipop. Monkey steals lollipop from puppy. Monkey licks lollipop. Monkey lets puppy lick the lollipop. Monkey bops puppy on the head with lollipop. Monkey busts out of that scene before the cops arrive.

Well, it's nice to know that while Lindsay Lohan is in lockdown rehab, somebody is out here doing her dirty work for her.

via Tastefully Offensive

Just a few minutes into Teen Mom Farrah's porn debut in Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, she tells James Deen that she needs to run downstairs to get the lube, because she wants to get into some ass play. (Who knew that backdoor teen moms are just like John Travolta, because that's exactly what he says five minutes into a massage.) Farrah tells James that it's been so long since a dick has come a'knocking on her backdoor and when he asks, "Really? When was the last time?", her dumb ass says, "This is my first time!" (Side note: I hate myself for typing "a dick has come a'knocking on her backdoor," because it made me think of the Three's Company theme song. Now, all day I'll be singing to myself, "Come on fuck my backdoor, stick your dick in some poo..." Actually, I sing that every day, all day anyway, but you know...)

Guess what? That wasn't the first time Teen Mom Farrah's culo hole has been poked by a peen. During an interview with The Dirty's Nik Richie about her porn, he asked her why she skipped coochie sex and went straight to butt sex in her tape. There's a good reason for why the close-up on Farrah's b-hole during her anal sex scene reminds me of that scene in The Descent when Sarah falls down a black hole of doom. Farrah loves butt sex, has had butt sex tons of time and got her butt cherry popped when she was just 15. Nik and Farrah's conversation about her love of backdoor banging went like this:

Nik: For a girl that doesn't have sex a lot, all of a sudden you're like, "I want anal"?

Farrah: I've had anal before.

Nik: And you like it?

Farrah: I do!

Nik: Number one choice? Like that's what you want to do?

Farrah: Why not? I had anal before I had "real" sex. Like if you want to know sexual history, I mean, I can choose whatever I want.

Nik: I do want to know your sexual history.

Farrah: This is a little bit weird, but if you want to go there... That's how I feel. Why can't I do whatever I want? I can hang from a monkey bar and do sex up there first if I wanted to.

Nik: But you're telling me you had anal before you had actual "real" sex.

Farrah: In my real life.

Nik: From Derek or from someone else? Farrah: I had anal with somebody else.

Nik: At what age?

Farrah: 15. Then I started dating Derek and then having, like, real sex.

Nik: And you enjoyed anal more?

Farrah: I did.

Why does Nik Richie keep on getting on Farrah about ass sex? He should be encouraging her to only have ass sex. It's better for humanity if Backdoor Ferret only gets it in the butt, because then she won't procreate! (Unless she has ass sex with Lil' Wayne, because his super mutant sperm are equipped with GPS devices and will find a way to get to her ovaries.)

And I cannot discuss this anymore due to conflict of interest in butt sex.

via Hollywood Life