Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the Bling Ring to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky's coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.

At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn't cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.

"I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, 'Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.' It's so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them."

("Now you know how we feel, bitch!" said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky's crusty chocha cave of doom)

When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn't know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, "Yeah, bitch."

Maybe it's because I'm nostalgic or because I've been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we've all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.

Here's Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.

MSN NZ (via Lainey) says that a newspaper in Spain claims that Princess Charlene of Monaco is pulling some Princess Diana shit by having an affair with a rugby player. The rumor is that Princess Charlene wasn't at the coronation of the new Dutch king with her husband Prince Albert, because she riding on some rugby dick in South Africa instead.

The rugby player who Princess Charlene is supposedly boning on the down low is 36-year-old Byron Kelleher of New Zealand. Byron plays for Stade Français and he handles all of the rugby projects for Princess Charlene's sports-focused charitable foundation. Sources say that when they're not working on charity shit together, they're working over each other's asses. Byron is a friend of Princess Charlene and Prince Albert and was a guest at their wedding in 2011. He also went to the Amalfi Coast with them last year.

A royal spokeswhore for the Prince and Princess had no comment and said they were unable to talk to Charlene about this, because she was currently being forced to watch her husband's henchman give her lover thirty lashings.

It's obvious to absolutely everyone that Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Dick are only married for show and only stand next to each other when his family makes them or when there's cameras in front of them. Basically, their marriage is like 95% of the marriages out there. And Prince Albert is probably sticking his tongue in a pile of ass every night, so why shouldn't Princess Charlene? If this is true, Princess Charlene probably broke some royal law and will be shackled to a stone wall for the rest of her life, but what's the point of living if you're not going to risk your freedom for some good dick, right?

Here's Princess Charlene and Princess Albert looking happier than ever at some event yesterday. Jodie Foster and Richard Gere had more romantic chemistry in Sommersby than these two.

While some "stars" are posing on the Cannes red carpet in $10,000 designer gowns and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Chopard something-other-than-Chopard jooree, the true star of Hollywood posed in the doorway of a builder grade red bathroom while wearing exquisite lucite heels, the finest gown from Windsor Fashions and a stuffed animal stole. You can always count on Courtney Stodden to remind us how a real classy jewel of Hollywood does it.

Believe it or not, posing in the doorway of a bathroom in West Hollywood isn't the sexiest thing Courtney has done lately. The porn iguana tells E! that Backdoor Farrah isn't the only talentless, plastic fame whore who has spread her Arby's roast beef special in front of a camera. Courtney says that she made a solo sex tape and she plans to keep it private, which is why she's talking about it to E!.

The tape, Stodden tells us at the Shekhar Rahate fashion show in Los Angeles Thursday, is "not out in the media" nor is it on her computer, and she advises wannabe hackers not to get their hopes up.

"Hackers, don't even go there cause you'll find nothing," Doug Hutchison's wife tells us about poking around her computer.
As for what's on the tape, it's "just me," she claims, adding that it wasn't shot too long ago. "I turned 18 in August, so you do the math."

The buxom blonde declined to give any more details—"I don't want to put any images in people's mind; I'm gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want"—but insisted she has no plans to release it.
"No, this is personal," she says.

Courtney has truly underestimated the hackers, because I have EXCLUSIVO footage from her solo sex tape:

I know, it was wrong of me to post that. My apologies to the iguana in the solo sex tape above for comparing him to Courtney Stodden. No iguana deserves that.

And here's Courtney putting the "old" and "ho" in old Hollywood during her bathroom doorway photo shoot last night. A slow clap for the mortician at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for doing their best work on Courtney's face.

I turned on the TV about halfway-ish through the American Idol finale last night and when the sight of Frankie Valli performing with the losing dudes hit my eyes, I immediately scrambled for safety by changing the channel to anything but that. I was one hundred percent sober and it was too much messiness for my eyes, ears and soul to take. The only gore I want to see on a Thursday night is Dr. Lecter making meat flan out of human bone marrow on Hannibal. But I probably should've kept watching that mess to catch the unicorn nightingale that is Mimi possibly lip-synch for her life!

While wearing Barbie's Christmas time wedding gown circa 1987, Mimi coated the ear canals of her lambs with pixie dust when she sang a medley of some of her hits. The lambs ate it up with a Hello Kitty spoon, but some people on Twitter declared that Mimi's lip-synch performance was so bad that a deaf baby high on Novocaine could've done a better lip-synch job. But Mimi's reps tell Entertainment Tonight that she did yodel out organic musical notes and did not move her mouth to a track:

Well, ET can set the record straight as Mariah's reps tell us she absolutely sang the entire medley -- Vision of Love, Make It Happen, My All, Hero, We Belong Together and her new single #Beautiful -- completely live! Not only that, but we hear she delighted the crowd in between live shots by singing additional hits.

To me, sometimes it looks like she's really singing and other times it looks like she's yawning while Windex-ing an imaginary window. Who knows and I doubt Mimi really cares. It's only American Idol, bitch isn't coming back next season and I'm sure her final paycheck from FOX cleared before she went onstage. Mimi is onto other things like overseeing the design of a giant replica of a unicorn's anus for her and Nick to exchange their vows in front of on their fifth and a half wedding anniversary.

Here's the chick who won, the chick who lost, a deranged chola Muppet and Glamberace at last night's season finale party.

OK, when the Kitchen Nightmare cameras zoomed in real close I understand why Ramsey sent this pizza back. - TexnDoc

Runners-up:

The yearly cleaning of Mama June's chin folds is going well...no casualties as of yet. - faux_0

Porn from 2025: Middle-Aged Mom Farrah Abraham in Prolapse Boogaloo 14 - Cookie-Slore

In the Crème de menthe liqueur wrestling contest, the "I can lick my own taint' guy always wins. ALWAYS. - AnointyNointy

via Izismile

Darcel Leonard Wynne, one of the original Solid Gold dancers!

Darcel started swishing and swaying her ass on Solid Gold's first official episode in 1980 and quickly became the twerkin gazelle in a sequined headband that everyone wanted to see. She left the show for a second in 1984 to tour with a traveling Christian ministry, but came back the next year and was promoted from lead swisher to part-time MC.

Darcel had moves like a swan in heat, could work a leotard almost better than Richard Simmons and RiRi should take note, because she knew how to accessorize her infinity head of dreams the right way.

Grab a moist towelette to clean up the drool that will dribble out of your eyes and skip to the 6:39 mark to watch Cynthia Bailey's face twin in action:

If all of us had moves like that, the rent would always be paid on time.

Trent Reznor (48)
Kree Harrison (23)
Leven Rambin (23)
Nikki Reed (25)
Tahj Mowry (27)
Derek Hough (28)
Tony Parker (31)
Andrea Corr (39)
Jordan Knight (43)
Tabatha Coffey (44)
Thom Filicia (44)
Cameron Bancroft (46)
Hill Harper (47)
Craig Ferguson (51)
Enya (52)
Sugar Ray Leonard (57)
Bob Saget (57)
Bill Paxton (58)
Grace Zabriskie (72)

Goopy Paltrow is still crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala and she'll keep crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala until it's time for next year's Met Gala, so she can crap at the mouth about it some more. We already know that Goopy would rather blow crack smoke up into the Mayor of Toronto's ass than go to the Met Gala again, because she told everyone not once, but twice. But she didn't say how much she hated the Met Gala in this week's Goop.

Goopy talks about getting ready for the Met Gala and instead of writing, "I should've just worn a Hefty bag so I would've fit in with all the other trash there," she sort of gushed about all the fashion. Goopy said before that everyone at the Met Gala was a little "too old to dress punk," but in this week's Goop she was farting out a different tune:

The Met Ball, at NYC's Metropolitan Museum of Art, is always the year's most elaborate display of incredible fashion and this year was no different. The theme was 'Punk: Chaos to Couture' and when the house of Valentino's Pierpaolo Piccioli and Maria Grazia Chiuri asked me to join them, I was thrilled to see what they would create with my right fashion hand, Elizabeth Saltzman.

We got all inspired in the goop office about punk making a comeback through subtle influence and thus, we asked one of my absolute favorite websites, the most excellently curated SSENSE, to show us how we could work it into our spring/summer wardrobes.

In the parlor at the House of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour temporarily stopped sucking the youth out of a 12-year-old model's mouth, picked up the phone, dialed the number to one of her minions and said, "You can tell every designer to un-blacklist that Goopy bitch now. Actually, wait a couple of days. My nips are getting hard just thinking about her getting kicked out Bergdorf's. Blehehehehee."

Earlier today, I wrote about how internet star Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker chopped off all his hair and went on the run after he allegedly beat a dude to death in New Jersey. Kai didn't get that far. The police caught his ass at a bus station in Philadelphia and are sending him back to New Jersey where he'll be charged for murder. His bail was set at $3 million and you know somebody's going to start a Kickstarter to bail his ass out, because bitches start a Kickstarter for everything.

The police told AP that Kai met the man he allegedly murdered, 73-year-old Joseph Galfy Jr., in Times Square on Saturday night. Joseph brought Kai back to his house and two days later he was dead. One day after the police found Joseph Galfy's body, Kai wrote this on Facebook:

what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house... walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their fuckin load in you? what would you do?

Well, I'd probably just, I don't know, call the fucking police or at least call Mariska Hargitay or something. But if Kai is telling the truth up there, then I guess we know how he handled it. And Shaun White should jumpstart his acting career by playing Kai in the Law & Order: SVU episode based on this.

Putting your hooves through some serious pain must be the thing to do this week.

Julianne Moore sent all her piggies scrambling for air when she shoved all of them into tiny shoes. And now here's Kim Kartrashian with her feet packed so tight into her shoes that they look pig's feet wrapped in plastic. Your feet should not look like they belong in the refrigerator at 99 Ranch Market and my abuelita should not want to use them to make sopa.

What's the point of being pregnant if you're not going to sprawl your ass on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers dipped in Hershey syrup and Fluff? Oh, I guess the point for Kim is to strangle her body with ridiculous clothes and give birth to a baby she can whore out for an extra check. I get it, but DAMN. Bitch's swollen hooves look like they need to be hooked up to an oxygen mask and an IV full of fluids.

And on another note, why is dressed like Jor-El?