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Here's a video we can all relate to. Who hasn't wanted something so bad that you jump for it, cry for it, wait for it and just when you think you're never going to get it, you get it and then think to yourself, "That's it?!" I pretty much described 99% of my first dates.

And this little pooch is totally going to piss in its owner's shoe for being this cruel. (Strangely enough, John Travolta also pees in Kelly Preston's shoes when she keeps the sausage away from him by making him stay home.)

via HuffPo

If you have a vagina, it's probably so squeaky clean that you can serve brunch off of it, because you're in the presence of mega douchebag: CRISS ANGEL! With his nipples out, a Bump-It in his hair (that HAS to be a Bump-It), his Diesel chonies showing and his belt buckle pushed to the side (because he's a trendsetter like that), the douche wizard shot an episode of his Spike TV show in Las Vegas on Thursday night.

I know Criss Angel's hair always looks like something you'd find inside of a cage in the trauma ward of an animal hospital, but his hair looks extra fucked up here. Dude's entire head looks like it's covered in clip-on bangs. Dude looks like Anthony Kiedis after losing a fight with a Flowbee or the derpiest Jonas Brother after getting his haircut by who ever cuts the Long Island Medium's hair.

Thanks to that Kate Gosselin circa 2007 hair and all that foundation smeared on his face, Criss Angel looks like somebody's aunt, but he doesn't look like my aunt, so I'd hit it. Typing that makes me want to dip my hands in boiled bleach, but the truth is the truth.

Back when Lindsay Lohan was planning to spend her court-ordered rehab sentence at the Seafield Center in the Hamptons, she was having second thoughts about checking in there, because she heard they were planning to rip her precious supply of Adderall out of her cold, freckled orange claws. LiLo didn't end up going to Seafield, but her worst nightmare is coming true anyway, because the doctors at The Betty Ford Center took away all of her Adderall. When the doctors came for her Adderall, it probably looked like that scene in The Color Purple when Celie and Nettie are ripped apart. WHY????!???

TMZ says that LiLo told doctors that she has to take Adderall, because she suffers from ADHD. But after a week of evaluating her, the doctors came to the conclusion that the only thing she suffers from is FullofShit-itis and they stopped giving her Adderall. They switched out her Adderall for something else that's less addictive. LiLo is now telling her friends (aka TMZ's tip line) that she refuses to let those bitches take away her Adderall and she wants to move to another rehab center that'll let her take her pill of choice.

Radar says that the judge already signed off on Betty Ford and he'll throw her in jail if she violates the court by quitting that bitch. Radar's source said:

“The judge overseeing Lindsay’s case has made it crystal clear that if she defies the agreement, it’s jail time. Judge Dabney signed off on Betty Ford and he expects her to remain there for 90 days. If she does, that will be a violation of her probation and the judge will send her to jail.

Lindsay is absolutely freaking out about the prospect of gaining weight now that Adderall has been taken away. Lindsay has been able to eat whatever she has wanted and not gain weight for years and she attributes this to Adderall.”

Maybe without Adderall, she'll keep the chunk off by filling her eating hole with healthy things and exercising every now and again. HAHAHAHAHA, no. Eating healthy things and exercise really is overrated. But really, we've been through this a million times before. The judge isn't going to ever throw her in jail. If anything, he'll throw the doctors at Betty Ford in jail for not giving her what she wants. Then the judge will transfer her to Shire Pharmaceuticals (the makers of Adderall), so she'll never ever ever be without Adderall during the rest of her sentence.

Hold my calls and shut the blinds, because I know what I'm doing the rest of the day.

Dozens of people in Colorado Springs, CO were temporarily blinded and struck down with the sudden urge to repeatedly orgasm today when Prince Hot Ginge's ass and legs went up in the air during a game of sit down volleyball with wounded service members at the Warrior Games today. The gloriousness was too much for some people's retinas. PHG can still makes b-holes pucker even when he looks like a gleeful bottom spider having missionary anal sex with an imaginary top spider. To quote Bill Murray in Groundhog Day: "It's so beautiful....let's live here!"

And here's the video of PHG going ass up and legs out today:

Johnny Cash must've been a future seer, because I'm pretty sure PHG's piping hot culo was his real inspiration for Ring of Fire. And it burns, burns, burns...

File this under: Well, that explains EVERYTHING now....

Cross file under: Pretend it's the 90s again and clutch your pearl to this news.

Jennifer Aniston and her hairstylist of forever Chris McMillan worked with a company on a new line of stuff for your hair and during a slobbery interview with WWD (via UsWeekly), he said that he was stoned into another dimension when he gave her the haircut that everyone's tia had to get in the 90s. Chris was stoned, the scissors were stoned, Aniston was stoned, they were all stoned.

And for the record, McMillan insists he was stoned when he created the oft-copied Rachel cut for Aniston in 1994. “I’m 14 years sober, so I feel safe enough to say that,” he said with a grin.

Well, I guess this means that God or Mother Nature or whoever the hell created the long-haired guinea pig was high as all hell when they created the long-haired guinea pig, because the long-haired guinea pig worked "The Rachel" long before Aniston did. And next up, I'm going to write about how Keri Russell's hairstylist was high on heroin when he chopped her hair off.

Here's Aniston and Chris McMillan at the launch of their new hair stuff in NYC the other day.

The Waffle Taco from Taco Bell!

YAASSS! Now you no longer have to slave away in front of the microwave while making your own waffle taco out of an Eggo, microwavable eggs and a Jimmy Dean sausage patty. Taco Bell should just go ahead and get their license to sell medical marijuana, because they have one again made the tongues of stoners salivate by testing out their new Waffle Taco in certain Taco Bells.

Foodbeast posted a picture from an Instgrammer who bought the new Waffle Taco at a Taco Bell in Newport Beach, CA. Foodbeast says that Taco Bell is testing out the Waffle Taco in several Taco Bells  in Orange County. The Waffle Taco is just a waffle hugging a pile of eggs and a sausage, and it's served with a packet of syrup.

When I first saw this, I thought that the Waffle Taco was a waffle made out of crushed taco shells and it was stuffed with cheese and lab-made ground beef (aka Taco Bell filling). The sad thing is, even that made my tongue twitch. But this is still a beautiful thing and I'm sure many stoners will fall in love with it and turn it into a waffle Fleshlight before eating it. What I'm saying is never take a bite from a stoner's Waffle Taco.

And this will hold me over until Taco Bell eventually puts out a bacon and egg-stuffed deep fried churro taquito.

via Fark

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While getting drunk with Australian radio hosts Kyle and Jackie O at a dinner in NYC the other night, Goopy Paltrow continued to whine about how the Met Gala sucked (translation: if she wanted to be around that much down river trash, she would've went to Arby's), was too crowded (translation: full of Z-list gutter whores) and she also said that they're all too old to be dressing punk (translation: She knows she looked like a hot pink skid mark and she was jealous of Madge's old ass). Goopy then told Kyle and Jackie O that the melodramatic tantrum queen that is Kanye West threw a little hissy fit during his performance, because Kanye is Kanye and his heart will stop beating if he doesn't act like a twat at least once a day:

"Kanye West was playing and he was all furious and he threw his microphone down and it was all drama. I don't know why."

"I don't know why..." Um, because Kanye is always a glum cunt (copyright: Mad Mel Gibson) and freaks out over everything. He probably yells at his shits when they're not shaped right. And he yells at his peen when it doesn't cum while he's fapping in the mirror. Then when he does cum, he yells at his cum, because if it wasn't for his cum he would've never knocked up a Kartrashian.

If only gravity was random.... If it was, that mic would've bounced back up and hit him in the face. It would've been yet another point for inanimate objects.

And if you want to hear Goopy talk about her vagina looking like that of an 8-year-old, here's her full talk with Kyle and Jackie O.

via UsWeekly

A funny thing and a shitty thing happened in Beverly Hills today. The funny thing is that Kanye Kardashian smacked his dome right into a sign while walking to a restaurant with Kim Kartrashian. The shitty thing is that the paparazzi didn't get a shot of the exact moment when the sign bitch smacked him right in the head. The paps took pictures and video right before and after he knocked that sign with his head, but nobody (so far) has a picture of his head actually knocking against that sign. What good is the paparazzi when they can't get a picture that would've completed our lives?!! It was their one job and they FAILED us all!!!!!

TMZ does have a video of Kanye right after he left a piece of his ego on that sign and it's hilarious.  Just like a bratty 4-year-old, Kanye throws a melodramatic cunt tantrum and starts yelling at the paps for making him bust his head on that sign. I take back what I said about the paps in the paragraph above. I thank them for making Kanye's head go BOOM on that sign.

It gets better... Kuntye went full crazy and his Givenchy butt plug probably popped out when he went at another pap a few minutes later:

In Kanye's defense, if your ass lips were overheating under black leather and you knocked up a Kartrashian, forever bonding you to those whores, you too might be a little extra bitchy. Although, Kanye is ALWAYS a little extra bitchy. And the best part is that Kim is probably the one who called those paps. Good work, Kim!