Before I even knew what a psychologist was (and before a couple psychologists dumped me as a patient), I watched Dr. Joyce Brothers on TV. Even though I really didn't know what she was talking about, I was into her and it was mostly because of her gorgeous hair flip. And now Dr. Joyce Brothers is in heaven.

The Los Angeles Times says that the pop culture icon and one of the most famous psychologists in the world died today in NYC at the age of 85. Dr. Joyce Brothers' publicist passed the news to the media, but didn't give a cause of death.

Dr. Joyce Brothers became famous in 1955 when she was the first woman to win the grand prize on the television game show The $64,000 Question. After that, she regularly showed up on TV shows to give advice and that led to getting her own column in Good Housekeeping. Dr. Joyce Brothers also played herself in an episode of Melrose Place and an episode of The Love Beat.

Dr. Joyce Brothers married Milton Brothers (an internist, not a board game maker) in 1949 and they stayed together until his death in 1989. Dr. Joyce Brothers is survived by her daughter, her sister, her four grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.

Dr. Joyce Brothers' death reminds me that most things were better in the 80s. In the 80s and 90s we had Dr. Joyce Brothers and now we have Dr. Phil's stupid ass. Come back, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Come back!

... And seconds after Prince Hot Ginge strolled out of a Port-A-Potty, dozens of hos ran in there pantless to scoot across the toilet seat and pick up as much as Hot Ginge DNA as possible  - Lainey Gossip

Well, Taylor Swift's music does make my ears feel like they're burning in hell  - The Superficial 

RiRi stays dressing like an early 90s hooker who gets all her ho shit uniforms from Miller's Outpost - Drunken Stepfather

So you know how you threw your naked and greased up body on Henry Cavill that one time? Yeah, it was a little too aggressive for him - Celebitchy

Is the dude in the second picture Johnny Depp or current day Al Pacino after a dye job? - The Berry 

Michael Douglas on what it was like dry boning Matt Damon - Towleroad

Either Maxim used all the Photoshop on Heather Graham or she's been moisturizing her face with the blood of babies - Hollywood Tuna 

Halle Berry's baby dome is growing as baby domes usually do - Popoholic

This tragic STUNT QUEEN move actually makes me miss Heidi and Spencer - ICYDK

So what do all the Real Housewives make a season? (Sadly, the answer isn't two bottles of Boone's Farms and a lap dance from Andy Cohen) - Reality Tea 

The My Little Pony raver girls are terrifying - Jezebel

"Hey, Pimp Mama Kris, how much for the one on the left?!" - Dennis Rodman - HuffPo

Dear NBC, Kylie Minogue as She-Ra will SAVE the network! - OMG Blog 

The Difficult Brown's neighbors don't like the portraits of his ass warts that he spray-painted in front of his house - IDLYITW

Dr. Who shaved his head and it's actually doing things to me - Just Jared

The Jolly Green Giant and Little Green Sprout go to the beach - Popsugar

Steve Sanders, I still would - Boy Culture

Paul Giamatti looking like Mama June without her hair on, I still would - Videogum

More delusions from the mistress of Neverland Manor - Crunk + Disorderly

Savannah Guthrie's getting married - I'm Not Obsessed

The only reason to go to work on your last day is to get ten kinds of drunk at lunch and tell your soon-to-be ex co-workers what you really think of their asses. Well, Paula White of BBC Radio Stoke did the first part and it got her kicked off the air. The BBC moved Paula's Friday afternoon slot to Saturdays and before her last weekday show, she got shit-faced drunk. So when she got on air, she slurred her words and had herself a P-A-R-T-Y for one! Before they ruined Paula's buzz by pulling her off of the air after only 30 minutes, she spat out wine-covered gems like these:

"I’ve had a couple of drinks, I’m not drunk. I’m sad."

"Let's just throw it all out! I don't get told what songs to – No, I do get told what songs to play! But I don't get told what songs to play on the last day of my shoooooooooow!"

“It’s a P-A-R-T-Y because I said so? Some people will say, ‘Oh, thank goodness she’s gone.’”

After 30 minutes of that, a different host came on to say that Paula was sent home, because she wasn't feeling well. Those bitches. They obviously don't know real entertainment, because they shouldn't have shut Paula's drunk hole. They should've promoted her ass by giving her every slot available (wink wink) and they should've given her a bonus in the form of coupons to Bargain Booze. Whatever, BBC Radio doesn't deserve Paula White! Paula White should come to America and join NBC's family. Because NBC doesn't only embrace drunks, but they put them on the air every weekday morning. Kathie Lee and Hoda, anyone?

via HuffPo

Page Six says that the Duke of Douches, James Franco, might be rubbing his nipples all over the Mother of Dragons, Emilia Clarke, from Game of Thrones. I wonder how Emilia Clarke feels about doing a dude whose lip liner game beats hers? And I wonder how James Franco feels about doing a chick whose eyebrow situation beats his? When James isn't painting an abstract on Emilia's crotch with his paint brush peen, she can help him to elevate his eyebrow game and he can help her to elevate her lip liner game.

Some witness type says that James and Emilia got all close at the Frieze art fair on Randalls Island in Manhattan on Saturday afternoon. The witness says that they were talking and flirting and "were looking quite friendly!”

Emilia Clarke's last fuck buddy was Seth MacFarlane, so I'm sensing a theme here... Either the number one item on Emilia's cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on the biggest douches in Hollywood or the number one item on Emilia's cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on every past Oscar host. Whoopi Goldberg, lube up, bitch, because you could be next!

Seen here yelling at dumb and rude New Yorkers who almost walked in front of the paparazzo's camera during their staged photo-op stroll, Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Aniston's ice pick nipples (perfect for when you need to crack open a block of ice for a vodka on the rocks) were in NYC over the weekend. People says that they went shopping for bikinis at Barney's and they drank martinis at Nobu. Riveting shit!

If Justin had a shaved head and carried a black plastic folder covered in anarchy sign stickers, he'd look like every wannabe skinhead at my junior high school. And I don't know if Jennifer Aniston looks like she's having a Chico's kind of day or looks like a come-to-life J. Jill catalog with nipples.

And Aniston's publicist owes her several round of martinis for lighting a match to the never-ending fart known as the pregnancy rumors by covering her stomach with that sweater thing. He trained her well!

On The View this morning, Barbara Walters announced that she will retire from television next summer and she'll never appear on a show full-time again, because she'll be too busy chasing virgins through the woods with Larry King. Now who's going to ask bitches what kind of tree they are? Now who's going to interrupt the other co-hosts on The View? Now who's going to tell us that Snooki is the most fascinating person of the year? Now who's going to get names wrong and lisp out some nonsensical crazy shit? Don't say Elisabeth Hasselcrack, because apparently she's leaving The View too.

As Marcia Cross breathed a sigh of relief over the fact that she won't see Barbara Walter's face on TV anymore, Babawawa said this about quitting the bitch that is TV:

“I have been on television continuously for over 50 years, but in the summer of 2014, a year from now, I plan to retire from appearing on television at all — it has been an absolutely joyful, rewarding, challenging, fascinating and occasionally bumpy ride. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m perfectly healthy, this is my decision, and I have been thinking about it for a long time. This is what i want to do. I will, however, continue as co-executive producer of The View with Bill Getty as long as the program is here. There will be special occasions that I will come back — I’m not walking into the sunset, but I don’t want to appear on another program, I don’t want to climb another mountain. I want instead to sit on a very sunny field and admire other women who will be taking my place and most of all, I want to thank everybody here. I’ve had an amazing career beyond anything I could ever imagined. And I hope I may inspire other women to make television. I smile when some young women say I grew up watching you on TV — it’s their time now. But remember, I have a whole year to go. We have exciting things planned for ABC News and The View and most of all, I want to say hi to all of you who have been watching me for so many years and you have traveled the same road that I have. I thank you, thank you, thank you.”

And Henry Kissinger better watch out, because Barbara now has the time to bone his glasses off. Break out the Astroglide!

via Hollywood Life 

Because I really wanted to build a utopian city shaped like a giant uncut dick, I downloaded the new SimCity the day it came out and immediately got a severe case of internal blue balls, because the server kept crashing and wouldn't let me build my dick-shaped utopian city! I scream, I cried, I questioned the existence of God and I punched my modem until I finally gave up and went outside to do something else. Yes, those SimCity whores drove me to go outside and breathe actual fresh air. They made me do the impossible. I'll never forgive them for that.

Unless Netflix builds an island of servers (I hope it's dick-shaped), I have a feeling that hos are going to meltdown the same way I melted down on SimCity day when the entire fourth season of Arrested Development comes out on Memorial Day weekend. If Netflix's servers crash and the Internet breaks, people will actually be outside on May 26th. It'll be so weird.

When Beyonce went to the Met Gala last week, some said that there was clearly a first trimester Tempur-Pedic baby bump underneath her dress. But I figured that since Beyonce wore a rug, she had a little bump under her belt, because she shoved a bottle of carpet cleaner, a hand-held vac and a lint roller in there. Well, now "music industry insiders" (read: Basement Baby's Campbell Soup phone finally got a clear connection) tell Page Six that Blue Ivy Carter better make some room in her 40,000 square foot nursery, because she's getting a roommate soon.

P6's sources say one of Jay-Z's camel sperms humped its way into one of Beyonce's ovary eggs and now she's got the third coming growing in her womb. Beyonce is currently twerking her lace front off all over Europe in her Mrs. Carter Show world tour. Beyonce's rep wouldn't open their mouths when Page Six asked for a comment.

I refuse to beylieve any of this until Beyonce shamelessly rubs her bump after performing at a second tier awards show. The Billboard Music Awards are this weekend... No, I'm sure Beyonce's baby announcement will be much more subtle this time around and by that I mean three extras dressed as Wise Men will carry her knocked up ass on a bed covered in golden hay through the streets as white smoke billows out of the House of Dereon's chimney. When Catholic abuelitas start fainting over the news that the second reincarnation of Jesus will be here soon, then we'll really know that Beyonce is knocked up.

Meals on Wheels: Zombie Apocalypse Edition - Sweetas

Runners-up:

Pro tip: ALWAYS use a professional escort to fulfill your "UPS Man" fantasy, otherwise you'll get what you pay for. - Furry-Hunk-Of-Man-Beef

When she heard "$2000 for anything you can push, pull, or drag in!" it was as if her prayers had been answered. - GingeMinge

via Break

Dawn Meehan's missing teeth gap, which made its appearance during the final tribal council of last night's season finale of Survivor: Caramoan!

For those of you who didn't watch Survivor this season and are probably thinking to yourself, "SURVIVOR IS STILL ON?!" let me give your ass the backstory for as to why Dawn served up some excited bulldog realness last night. During the season, Dawn, who had a meltdown over everything, lost her fake teeth in the water and had a breakdown. Dawn never told anyone that she wore fake teeth, because she was embarrassed and didn't want anyone to see her looking like a non-cute vampire kitten. (Note: One of my teeth in the front never grew in and before I got a bridge, I wore a retainer with a fake toof on it, so I sort of feel her pain.) Now, if I was Dawn, I would've just made some teeth out of a coconut, stuck them in and called it a day. But Dawn threatened to quit the game if she didn't get her teefs back.

So Dawn's alliance mate Brenda put on a snorkel, got in the water and found her teeth. Dawn didn't have to quit the game and she owed it all to Brenda. Cut to a few episodes later when Dawn betrayed Brenda by voting her teeth savior out.

Dawn, the secret love child of Kate Gosselin and Don Knotts, made the final three and during the last tribal council, Brenda got her revenge. Brenda told Dawn that she would've quit the game if she never got her teeth back and she wouldn't be sitting in the final 3. So Brenda asked Dawn to take her teeth out in front of everyone. Dawn could've easily showed Brenda two middle fingers instead, but being that close to a million dollars will make a crying bitch do some crazy things. Dawn pulled out her teeth and gave us the image above.

Brenda is oh-so-wrong, but oh-so-right for that. And now the image of Dawn looking like a hillbilly Gollum will forever live in my brain.

(Pic via Tumblr)