First we find out that Antoine Dodson is un-gaying himself, then we find out that Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey was in prison for committing domestic abuse years ago and now THIS! If Sweet Brown is arrested on arson charges, then the Internet needs to take its final bow and exit the stage.

Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker might soon be known as Kai the Hatchet Wielding Murderer. ABC 30 says that police in Union City, New Jersey have issued a warrant for Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker (born name: Caleb Lawrence McGillvary). Police believe that Kai used something (probably his hatchet) to smash smash smu-ash a man to death. Joseph Galfy, the victim, was found dead inside his home three days ago. Authorities say that an autopsy showed that Joseph Galfy died from blunt force trauma to the head. The authorities didn't say what Joseph Galfy's relationship to the stoner homeless Thor was, but they did say that Kai cut his hair and was last seen getting on a train.

The police consider him armed and dangerous. DUH! He has a hatchet.

Kai became an internet hero superstar earlier this year when he beat down a crazy racist who was violently attacking a woman in Fresno.

Life was so much simpler then. Those were the days when Kai used his hatchet for good instead of evil. ....Unless, maybe Joseph Galfy was an evil doer and Kai is like a hatchet-wielding stoner Dexter. Yeah, probably not. This has smash smash smuh-ashed my heart into a million pieces. I don't know the Internet anymore!

UPDATE: A dude on Facebook who could be Kai left this on his wall on Tuesday:

what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house... walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their fuckin load in you? what would you do?

So I guess the answer is smash smash smu-ash that someone to death and then skip town?

(Thanks, Grace) 

And this...

And this...

David Beckham announced today that he is retiring from handling balls, professionally, and his bulge may never grace a field again. 38-year-old (which is CRUSTY ANCIENT OLD in sports years) said in a statement today that once his season with Paris Saint-Germain is over, he's going to devote all of his time to selling his used jockstraps on eBay.

"[I am] thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level. If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy. I'm fortunate to have realized those dreams.

To this day, one of my proudest achievements is captaining my country. I knew every time I wore the Three Lions shirt, I was not only following in a long line of great players, I was also representing every fan that cared passionately about their country. I'm honored to represent England both on and off the pitch. ... I want to thank all my teammates, the great managers that I had the pleasure of learning from. I also want to thank the fans who have all supported me and given me the strength to succeed."

Becks may be retired, but the memory of his soccer field nipples, soccer field bulge and soccer field acts of homoeroticism will forever live on Google Images (and in a folder I keep on my desktop).

It was kind of fitting that Kanye Kardashian (née West) performed in a pyramid at Adult Swim's Upfront event at Roseland in NYC last night, because he was the Queen of Denial when he said that he's a musical artist and he's not a "celebrity" or a paparazzi star. The delusion is thick.

Kanye was the surprise musical guest at Adult Swim's Upfront even and if anybody thought they were going to get 90 minutes of non-stop music, they must not know Kanye. Because no Kanye West show is complete without a whiny, hissy fit rant about how hard it is being Kanye West. There's not a pacifier big enough to shut his gaping whine hole. Kanye started off his cry fest by saying that he's not a celebrity, he's a terrible celebrity, and all he does is make real music and he's not here to be on the cover of tabloids.

Bumping his dome on that sign last week was totally a metaphor for Kanye's life. Kanye's head is so far up his own ass that he's blind to the fact that he's the best kind of tabloid celebrity because of all of his anus-popping meltdowns and ALL-CAPS rants. On top of all of that, he put a fetus into the fame whore of all fame whores whose oxygen is the flash from a paparazzo's camera. Bitch is trying to act like he's the J.D. Salinger of hip hop. He's about as reclusive as Kim Kartrashian.

Miss Info transcribed Kanye's latest cry baby rant if you really don't want to fill your ears with the sound of his whining:

“I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity… There’s one thing about me, I’m a terrible, terrible terrible celebrity. I don’t know if you really know there’s one thing about me but I’m the worst kind of, the worst kind of celebrity. All I do is make real music. All I do is sit in the studio and make real shit. And that’s it. And that’s muthafuckin it. That’s muthafuckin it!

So I don’t want no people runnin’ up on me with cameras, trying to like sell pictures and shit to magazines, asking me dumb ass questions, throwin’ me off my focus and shit. Harrasin’ you all muthafuckin day. I ain’t no muthafuckain celebrity.

It’s so funny. Somebody asked me, ‘when you do SNL, are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and shit. And like humanize yourself? I ain’t hear to apologize to no muthafuckas man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At one point did I become un-human where I had to turn myself back. Or maybe I was demonized, or maybe I was treated inhumane and not human in that type of situation. I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity. I ain’t runnin’ for office. I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s muthafuckin babies. I drop your baby and you muthafuckain sue me and shit. I’m trying to make some music that inspires people to be the best that they can be. And I don’t want nobody else to ask anything of me! Don’t ask nothing else of me.

Muthafuckas chasin you down, about to make you crash and shit. And all they want is for a nigga to laugh and shit. Hell nah, I ain’t doin no muthafuckin SNL skits. This is my Goddamn life. This ain’t no muthafuckin joke.

Whenever anybody would scream out "¡Santo Dios!" in front of my abuelita, she'd slap them with her eyes before grabbing her rosary to say a prayer for their sinful souls. Well, Pimp Mama Kris is probably clutching Lucifer's loin cloth and repeating an Illuminati chant to herself, because almost everything that Kanye said last night is against her religion.

Not pictured: The dozens of hands coming for Karolina Kurkova's blond ponytail. Somebody needed to yank that ginge-stealing hussy tramp's hair and drag her away for shamelessly air kissing on Prince Hot Ginge in front of all of us. And if we could see Karolina Kurkova's face, you know she'd be saying, "And he's anointing me with his scepter too, you jealous whores," with her eyes. It's like eating warm hot carrot bread in front of a starving orphan.

The clouds are covering the sun, millions of genitals have gone into hibernation and we can all put our lube with SPF away, because Prince Hot Ginge has finished scooting across America and is going back to England today. The last stop on PHG's tour was a charity polo match in Greenwich, Connecticut yesterday afternoon.

It's a sad day in America, but PHG will be back in a few months for the birth of his quadruplets with Karolina Kurkova (yes, air kissing with PHG immediately leads to a severe case of the BABIES!!) and the birth of his ginger centaur baby with the horse he rode in yesterday's match (yes, PHG can knock up a horse even when he rides it with protection).

And Karolina Kurkova should shellac the inside of her nostrils, because she's obviously inhaling a huge PHG fart here. Never wash your nose again, KK.

Rejected by the Macy's parade committee, the Def Jam balloon featured a tribute to Russell Simmons and the hot dogs that were surgically removed from Kimora Lee's neck. - Dawn Davenport

Runners-up:

After much begging and pleading from PMK, The city of Los Angeles finally agreed to give Kim Kardashian her very own float for the upcoming Memorial Day parade. - N.

Oh, look! Jennifer Aniston's honeymoon balloon ride 'accidentally' crash landed on St. Angie's property. Well played Jennifer, well played. - seejaneclick

via Boing Boing

The French waitress at a 50s diner who celebrated marriage equality in France by jumping on a banquette to tell all her customers that she's a lesbian and can get married now! This is so dramatique that if Anne Hathaway was a French waitress at a 50s diner, this is what her coming out would look like. I kept waiting for dramatic music to swell into my ears when she threw her arms out.

And the bald dude in front of her is totally like, "That's wonderful and everything, but where's my pie?"

via Good As You 

Pierce Brosnan (60)
Behati Prinsloo (24)
Megan Fox (27)
Jim Sturgess (35)
Melanie Lynskey (36)
Tori Spelling (40)
David Boreanaz (44)
Tracey Gold (44)
Tucker Carlson (44)
Danielle Spencer (44)
Janet Jackson (47)
Mare Winningham (54)
Debra Winger (58)
Christian Lacroix (62)
Judy Finnigan (66)
Danny Trejo (69)

Earlier today, I wrote about how Brooke Mueller sent her lawyers to court to try to take temporary custody of her twin boys from Denise Richards and give it to her brother in Orange County. Charlie Sheen wanted Denise Richards to keep temporary custody of his kids and his lawyers argued that Brooke was only after the $55,000 a month in child support. A MESS! And when Charlie Sheen, whose brain is a pile of coke mush, comes out as a voice of reason, you know shit is a real mess.

Well, they all argued in front of a judge today and the judge told Brooke's lawyers the same thing an ATM told me when I tried to get $120 out of it the other day: "DENIED!" The judge basically told Brooke's lawyers that knitting a peen cozy out of their own pubes would've been a better use of their time than coming into court to ask for some dumb shit. A source told Radar:

“[The judge] flatly denied Mueller’s request to to have Denise stripped of temporary custody, and placed in the care of her brother in Orange County. There was absolutely no reason that could justify the move, which would only uproot the twins yet again

Brooke’s claims that Denise was only taking care of the boys for financial gain fell flat because the actress signed a sworn declaration that she had refused money from Charlie. Denise’s declaration also went on to say that she didn’t want any money EVER for her care of the boys.

Brooke just doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation involving custody of the boys. She is used to just snapping her fingers, and having her lawyers work their magic, and make the problem go away. This isn’t being heard in family court, the fact it’s in child dependency court because of her actions is extremely serious. She should stop wasting the courts resources and focus on what is best for the boys, and not her self-interest.”

And after Brooke told her rehab mate at Betty Ford, Lindsay Lohan, about this, LiLo's mind boggled around for a few seconds before she said, "The judge denied you? They can do that?"

In case you you've been hungry for a small dollop of insanity from America's favorite gourmet couple Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, who put the nightmare in Kitchen Nightmares, here's a video of what happened when CBS 5 News tried to ask them about their Facebook meltdown. Surprisingly enough, Amy didn't open the door, snatch that reporter and try to resell her to a human trafficking ring, because that's what America's all about. Amy dribbled out some insanity about how the news crew was trespassing and the FBI is looking into the "hacking" of their Facebook account. Maybe Crazy Amy is telling the truth, because if I was an FBI agent, I'd investigate that mess, but only so I can interview her and take in her crazy live and in person.

Then Samy came out and rambled out more nonsense before Amy screamed at him to come inside. They're the gift that keeps on giving until they're eventually dragged away to the mental institution.

In other Crazy Amy news, a lady who used to be a server at Amy's Bakery did an AMA on Reddit and said that Amy went to prison for identity fraud for 14 months.

In Amy's defense, if I was her, I'd want to be someone else too.

via Eater

If you ranked all the greatest supermodels of the world past and present, Phoebe Price would be at the very top and all the other supermodels would be in big pile far, far, far below her. But at the Cannes Film Festival premiere of The Great Gatsby today, Cindy Crawford put her fingers on PP's toes when she sashayed out onto the red carpet looking like this. Cindy Crawford came hard for Chicken Cutlets (that visual, I know) by looking like a Botoxod leather vision in white. Richard Gere's former gerbil handler also gets extra points, because the top of her dress sort of looks like two bedazzled antelopes kissing.

Meteorologists in Cannes reported that today was the first day in the history of weather reporting that there was not one single gust of wind in Cannes. Cindy Crawford's hair just naturally looks like the wind is blowing through it. On the last night of Cannes, Cindy and PP should have a pose-off at the top of the stairs. The world as we know it would never be the same again!

Here's a few others who tried to out-glamour Cindy Crawford tonight. In order after Cindy: Basement Baby, Nicole Kidman (the hell is that hair?), Bai Ling, Carey Mulligan with the Gatsby dudes, Leonardo DiCatchAho with Tobey Maguire and Lana Del Taco with Florence Welch. (Yes, Florence was standing too close to Cindy when that picture of her drowning in her own hair was taken).