While some "stars" are posing on the Cannes red carpet in $10,000 designer gowns and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Chopard something-other-than-Chopard jooree, the true star of Hollywood posed in the doorway of a builder grade red bathroom while wearing exquisite lucite heels, the finest gown from Windsor Fashions and a stuffed animal stole. You can always count on Courtney Stodden to remind us how a real classy jewel of Hollywood does it.

Believe it or not, posing in the doorway of a bathroom in West Hollywood isn't the sexiest thing Courtney has done lately. The porn iguana tells E! that Backdoor Farrah isn't the only talentless, plastic fame whore who has spread her Arby's roast beef special in front of a camera. Courtney says that she made a solo sex tape and she plans to keep it private, which is why she's talking about it to E!.

The tape, Stodden tells us at the Shekhar Rahate fashion show in Los Angeles Thursday, is "not out in the media" nor is it on her computer, and she advises wannabe hackers not to get their hopes up.

"Hackers, don't even go there cause you'll find nothing," Doug Hutchison's wife tells us about poking around her computer.
As for what's on the tape, it's "just me," she claims, adding that it wasn't shot too long ago. "I turned 18 in August, so you do the math."

The buxom blonde declined to give any more details—"I don't want to put any images in people's mind; I'm gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want"—but insisted she has no plans to release it.
"No, this is personal," she says.

Courtney has truly underestimated the hackers, because I have EXCLUSIVO footage from her solo sex tape:

I know, it was wrong of me to post that. My apologies to the iguana in the solo sex tape above for comparing him to Courtney Stodden. No iguana deserves that.

And here's Courtney putting the "old" and "ho" in old Hollywood during her bathroom doorway photo shoot last night. A slow clap for the mortician at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for doing their best work on Courtney's face.

I turned on the TV about halfway-ish through the American Idol finale last night and when the sight of Frankie Valli performing with the losing dudes hit my eyes, I immediately scrambled for safety by changing the channel to anything but that. I was one hundred percent sober and it was too much messiness for my eyes, ears and soul to take. The only gore I want to see on a Thursday night is Dr. Lecter making meat flan out of human bone marrow on Hannibal. But I probably should've kept watching that mess to catch the unicorn nightingale that is Mimi possibly lip-synch for her life!

While wearing Barbie's Christmas time wedding gown circa 1987, Mimi coated the ear canals of her lambs with pixie dust when she sang a medley of some of her hits. The lambs ate it up with a Hello Kitty spoon, but some people on Twitter declared that Mimi's lip-synch performance was so bad that a deaf baby high on Novocaine could've done a better lip-synch job. But Mimi's reps tell Entertainment Tonight that she did yodel out organic musical notes and did not move her mouth to a track:

Well, ET can set the record straight as Mariah's reps tell us she absolutely sang the entire medley -- Vision of Love, Make It Happen, My All, Hero, We Belong Together and her new single #Beautiful -- completely live! Not only that, but we hear she delighted the crowd in between live shots by singing additional hits.

To me, sometimes it looks like she's really singing and other times it looks like she's yawning while Windex-ing an imaginary window. Who knows and I doubt Mimi really cares. It's only American Idol, bitch isn't coming back next season and I'm sure her final paycheck from FOX cleared before she went onstage. Mimi is onto other things like overseeing the design of a giant replica of a unicorn's anus for her and Nick to exchange their vows in front of on their fifth and a half wedding anniversary.

Here's the chick who won, the chick who lost, a deranged chola Muppet and Glamberace at last night's season finale party.

OK, when the Kitchen Nightmare cameras zoomed in real close I understand why Ramsey sent this pizza back. - TexnDoc

Runners-up:

The yearly cleaning of Mama June's chin folds is going well...no casualties as of yet. - faux_0

Porn from 2025: Middle-Aged Mom Farrah Abraham in Prolapse Boogaloo 14 - Cookie-Slore

In the Crème de menthe liqueur wrestling contest, the "I can lick my own taint' guy always wins. ALWAYS. - AnointyNointy

via Izismile

Darcel Leonard Wynne, one of the original Solid Gold dancers!

Darcel started swishing and swaying her ass on Solid Gold's first official episode in 1980 and quickly became the twerkin gazelle in a sequined headband that everyone wanted to see. She left the show for a second in 1984 to tour with a traveling Christian ministry, but came back the next year and was promoted from lead swisher to part-time MC.

Darcel had moves like a swan in heat, could work a leotard almost better than Richard Simmons and RiRi should take note, because she knew how to accessorize her infinity head of dreams the right way.

Grab a moist towelette to clean up the drool that will dribble out of your eyes and skip to the 6:39 mark to watch Cynthia Bailey's face twin in action:

If all of us had moves like that, the rent would always be paid on time.

Trent Reznor (48)
Kree Harrison (23)
Leven Rambin (23)
Nikki Reed (25)
Tahj Mowry (27)
Derek Hough (28)
Tony Parker (31)
Andrea Corr (39)
Jordan Knight (43)
Tabatha Coffey (44)
Thom Filicia (44)
Cameron Bancroft (46)
Hill Harper (47)
Craig Ferguson (51)
Enya (52)
Sugar Ray Leonard (57)
Bob Saget (57)
Bill Paxton (58)
Grace Zabriskie (72)

Goopy Paltrow is still crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala and she'll keep crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala until it's time for next year's Met Gala, so she can crap at the mouth about it some more. We already know that Goopy would rather blow crack smoke up into the Mayor of Toronto's ass than go to the Met Gala again, because she told everyone not once, but twice. But she didn't say how much she hated the Met Gala in this week's Goop.

Goopy talks about getting ready for the Met Gala and instead of writing, "I should've just worn a Hefty bag so I would've fit in with all the other trash there," she sort of gushed about all the fashion. Goopy said before that everyone at the Met Gala was a little "too old to dress punk," but in this week's Goop she was farting out a different tune:

The Met Ball, at NYC's Metropolitan Museum of Art, is always the year's most elaborate display of incredible fashion and this year was no different. The theme was 'Punk: Chaos to Couture' and when the house of Valentino's Pierpaolo Piccioli and Maria Grazia Chiuri asked me to join them, I was thrilled to see what they would create with my right fashion hand, Elizabeth Saltzman.

We got all inspired in the goop office about punk making a comeback through subtle influence and thus, we asked one of my absolute favorite websites, the most excellently curated SSENSE, to show us how we could work it into our spring/summer wardrobes.

In the parlor at the House of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour temporarily stopped sucking the youth out of a 12-year-old model's mouth, picked up the phone, dialed the number to one of her minions and said, "You can tell every designer to un-blacklist that Goopy bitch now. Actually, wait a couple of days. My nips are getting hard just thinking about her getting kicked out Bergdorf's. Blehehehehee."

Earlier today, I wrote about how internet star Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker chopped off all his hair and went on the run after he allegedly beat a dude to death in New Jersey. Kai didn't get that far. The police caught his ass at a bus station in Philadelphia and are sending him back to New Jersey where he'll be charged for murder. His bail was set at $3 million and you know somebody's going to start a Kickstarter to bail his ass out, because bitches start a Kickstarter for everything.

The police told AP that Kai met the man he allegedly murdered, 73-year-old Joseph Galfy Jr., in Times Square on Saturday night. Joseph brought Kai back to his house and two days later he was dead. One day after the police found Joseph Galfy's body, Kai wrote this on Facebook:

what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house... walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their fuckin load in you? what would you do?

Well, I'd probably just, I don't know, call the fucking police or at least call Mariska Hargitay or something. But if Kai is telling the truth up there, then I guess we know how he handled it. And Shaun White should jumpstart his acting career by playing Kai in the Law & Order: SVU episode based on this.

Putting your hooves through some serious pain must be the thing to do this week.

Julianne Moore sent all her piggies scrambling for air when she shoved all of them into tiny shoes. And now here's Kim Kartrashian with her feet packed so tight into her shoes that they look pig's feet wrapped in plastic. Your feet should not look like they belong in the refrigerator at 99 Ranch Market and my abuelita should not want to use them to make sopa.

What's the point of being pregnant if you're not going to sprawl your ass on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers dipped in Hershey syrup and Fluff? Oh, I guess the point for Kim is to strangle her body with ridiculous clothes and give birth to a baby she can whore out for an extra check. I get it, but DAMN. Bitch's swollen hooves look like they need to be hooked up to an oxygen mask and an IV full of fluids.

And on another note, why is dressed like Jor-El?

Which former boybander, who likes to trash his former father-in-law, better be careful about upsetting his former wife?

After he recently bashed his ex-in-law, his ex-wife has told friends she’ll come to her dad’s defense–telling pals that her ex-man may have a big mouth, but he has a small penis! (Naughty But Nice Rob)

This is the opposite of blind and it's obviously supposed to be about Nick Lachey. No question mark needed. If it is true, then it really isn't a big deal (not punned on purpose), because what Nick lacks in peen he makes up for in tits!

I can tell you that there’s a girl who’s pregnant and even though she says she says that her steady is the father, she’s really not sure it’s not one of her co-stars, who sleeps with almost all their colleagues and with whom she used to bootycall on the regular. Depends on what the mouth looks like when the baby comes. Does that help a little? (Lainey Gossip via Blind Gossip)

Kim Kardashian and Bruce Jenner! Or Heather Morris and Chord Overstreet? If she pops out a giant set of lips covered in blond hair, Maury won't need to step in.

Which celebrity couple, whom recent had an ugly split, is not being totally honest – the two of them have agreed to pretend to be “at war” with each other to add a little drama, and a lot of attention to the otherwise dull story.

“They are both genius when it comes to PR. They know a seemingly ugly divorce will get both of them a lot of attention, which they both love, plus, it will make them both a lot more money in the long run,” one friend of the couple’s explains.

“The two of them still live together and have dinner together most nights, however, whenever they are in public they pretend they have no contact with the other person,” adds another pal. “These two have both worked out how to make a lot of money from being famous and have no plans to stop now. After they officially get divorced they will both be laughing all the way to the bank – together.”

The joke is on us! (Naughty But Nice Rob)

Bethenny Frankelstein and Jason Hoppy?

This B list mostly television actress with A list name recognition from a very hit cable show is set to announce her divorce when she is hidden away filming the next season of her show. She does not want to answer any questions which would seem to mean there is a third person involved. (CDAN)

The only thing I've got is billionaire Julia Louis-Dreyfus?

This A list mostly movie actress says that she wants to get divorced, but does not want to be the bad person so has tried to set up her celebrity husband and get him to cheat with women she has hired. The problem is her husband is so dumb that he believes his wife actually loves him. (CDAN)

Not Goopy, because Goopy is the perfect woman and NOBODY cheats on Goopy. So Julia Roberts?

Either Miley Cyrus dropped half of her chipmunk face on a mountain of coke or her make-up artist hates her and wants people to know it - Hollywood Tuna

Casper Smart's gold digging mission is almost complete and he should be proud of himself for achieving such success before even graduating from potty training academy  - Lainey Gossip

Teen Mom Farrah's backdoor bikini is on eBay and I'm surprised nobody has asked if anal leakage stains are included - Drunken Stepfather

Kirstie Alley is the Rosa Parks of fat actresses, basically - Celebitchy

Try not to spit out your tampon from shock when we all find out that Premo Stallone is an actor Pimp Mama Kris hired to get Kourtney Kartrashian some tabloid attention - The Superficial

Uma Thurman will play Anita Bryant - Towleroad

EVERYBODY'S leaving Saturday Night Live and they might as well just get Justin Timberlake to replace them all and call it a day - Just Jared

Jason Hoppy wants to gag Bethenny Frankelstein, but not in a sexy way - Reality Tea

Emma Watson in W Magazine - Popoholic

Kelly Rowland claims she was jealous of Beyonce being more successful than her after Destiny's Child split up (The Illuminati made her say it)  - ICYDK

The third dude should totally be the next Bachelor - The Berry 

And here's Tom Hopper's ass, because you need something to wipe away the image of Teen Mom Farrah's anal leakage stains - OMG Blog

Selena Gomez seconds after she realized that she dated Justin Bieber once - IDLYITW

Violet from American Horror Story cleans up good - Popsugar

Why Pimp Mama Kris hasn't whored out Rob Kartrashian to Jenny Craig yet is beyond me - I'm Not Obsessed

Fame whore still fighting fame whore fame whore-ly on Twitter - HuffPo

As always, RiRi is the definition of sophistication and demureness - Jezebel

Christina Hendricks' mother, is that you? - SOW