Sadly, my dream of Kanye Kardashian naming his next album "Bitch Slapped By A Street Sign" isn't going to come true. Kanye continued to pay tribute to his own God complex by choosing to name his next album Yeezus. You know, Yeezus as in Ye + Jesus. As in this is the reason why Jesus is shaking his head today. Some of Kanye's disciples have been calling him "Yeezus" on Twitter, Facebook and blogs for years, but I guess he decided to make the ridiculous nickname official.
Yes, I know the name "Yeezus" is supposed to make me roll my eyes, but I've always loved it and I think it's pretty fitting. To me, Yeezus sounds like something a lady gets when she has a yeast infection. "Doctor, my pussy can't stop wheezing!" "Oh, that's just a symptom of your yeast infection. Your pussy's got the yeezus!"
The cover of Kanye's album is also pretty fitting. It looks like a pile of dog shit wrapped in a gold condom wrapper on top of a black table covered in jizz splatters. It's perfect!
And in case you missed the best part of last night's SNL, here's Kanye awkwardly throwing side-eyes while everyone around him hugged and gave love to each other at the end of the show.
That's pretty much me at every party I go to.
(GIFs via Yahoo!'s newest adopted child)
Last night's season finale of Saturday Night Live was filled with a bunch of Bye, Bitch! moments. Fred Armisen said farewell with a song. My eyeballs said farewell to my sockets when they rolled out of there while watching Kanye perform. Bill Hader said goodbye by almost crying at the end. And Stefon went out with an (almost) marital bang from The Silver Fox.
Because Stefon just couldn't wait around for Seth Meyers to stop ignoring their love, he left Weekend Update to marry Anderson Cooper in front of dozens of club kids. If they're ever going to make a remake of The Graduate, Stefon, the Silver Fox and Seth Meyers should star in it.
Yes, it's true that Seth and Stefon belong together, but who in the hell leaves Anderson Cooper at the altar? Isn't that against the law? I'd sell my entire family to the Russian mafia to get the Silver Fox to wink at me (with his brown eye, of course) and Stefon runs out on his ass without even thinking about it? But I guess, such is the mystery of Stefan.
And since NBC is still prejudiced against non-US countries, I don't think you can watch the skit above if your IP isn't an American citizen. But the only thing you need to know is that Stefon doesn't kiss Seth and he doesn't kiss the Silver Fox. I know, they should do the skit over again, but with more tongue this time.
Rev, Adele's biggest and most talented fan!
Rev's owner writes in the YouTube description of this video that ever since Rev was a puppy, he's serenaded him with Bob Dylan's "Make You Feel My Love" and now it's Rev's emotional anthem. When Rev woke up for a nap one day, his owner played Adele's cover of his favorite song and the raw emotion started pouring out of him. So soulful, so heartbreaking, so real.... You can really feel the sorrow in Rev's heart as he howls a sad love song to the piece of bacon that got away.
If Adele ever needs a comparable talent to fill in for her at one of her shows, she knows where to find Rev (tip: he'll be sleeping on the carpet side of the living room).
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I'm typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You'd think that all of the Twihards would've cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must've replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they've never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart's body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People's article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:
As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.
But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.
What I'm taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate..... but she's going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They'll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam's response to this shit:
Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she's hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz's house and is ready to attack him now that he's single.
Who cares if the name "Elena Lenina" makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah's does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu's home planet. If this is Elena's way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it's totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy's heart is through his butt.
I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah's already got the lube.
And here's some others at tonight's premiere who obviously didn't get the memo that the theme of the night was "sex toy hair." In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.
A SANS FARDS Anna Paquin took one of her twins for a walk with a friend in Venice, CA yesterday when they ran into a paparazzo in the wild. When a mama bear comes across a threat in the wild, she sometimes rips out the throat of that threat to protect her young and Anna did the non-violent human version of that by flipping a bitch off. Don't threaten me with a good time, Soooookeh.
When I lived in NYC, I hardly ever used my middle finger when out in the wild. Sometimes my middle finger would come up when a car would almost hit my ass or a crazed biker would almost decapitate my toes with their wheels, but it didn't happen that often. But since I've moved to L.A. and road rage has become my favorite sport, I use my middle finger all the time. Flipping a whore off while perfectly mouthing the words "fuck you, asshole" gives me a quick shot of happiness like nothing else.
And it's a damn shame that Sookeh's covering her kid's face and he can't see her flipping a ho off, because you're never too young to learn that the middle finger is one of the most useful tools in civilization.
Kanye West once again out Kanye'd himself last night by debuting his new song "New Slaves" and visuals for his new song in sixty six spots in several cities across the world. At different times during the night, Kanye's big ass face was projected on a building as he rapped (and sang, ugh) his new song. The video above is from the corner of N.7th and Bedford in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and his face also made appearances in Hollywood, Toronto, Sydney, London, Berlin, Miami, Chicago, Paris, San Francisco and on Kim Kardashian's body. Kanye's website has a map with all the places where this mess played.
I can just imagine sitting on my sofa, eating some caramel cookie ice cream and taking sips of my ghetto sangria (Two-And-Half-Buck Chuck and orange Shasta) while watching Flea Market Flip when Kanye's face and shower singing voice starts haunting my walls. That is a real good reason to call a damn exorcist. How can a trick have a relaxing Friday night when Kanye's singing voice is filling their apartment? When Kanye sings, he sounds like he's getting a prostate exam from a porcupine while Pimp Mama Kris gnaws on his nuts.
On a positive note, Kanye really knows how to dramatically debut a song like a true debutante queen.
Cezar, the operatic vampire songbird who will screech out Romania's official song at the Eurovision finals in Sweden tonight.
Shards of broken disco balls, rhinestone-covered swan feathers and pink chandelier crystals are blowing through the air in Europe today, because tonight is the Eurovision finals. Eurovision always shows us what Liberace's gastroenterologist saw during his colonoscopy. It's full of THEATER, DRAMA and tons of fucking sequins. While I appreciate the Katy Perry-like STUNT QUEEN moves of Finland's entry (she kisses a chick at the end), my favorite finalist so far is Cezar from Romania.
While wearing one of Adam Lambert's housecoats, the castrated vampire nightingale hollered out high-pitched musical notes during Thursday's semi-finals. This is what it sounds like when doves cry:
If all the vampires in Twilight looked and sounded like this, I'd probably be a stage 4 Twihard.
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