It was kind of fitting that Kanye Kardashian (née West) performed in a pyramid at Adult Swim's Upfront event at Roseland in NYC last night, because he was the Queen of Denial when he said that he's a musical artist and he's not a "celebrity" or a paparazzi star. The delusion is thick.
Kanye was the surprise musical guest at Adult Swim's Upfront even and if anybody thought they were going to get 90 minutes of non-stop music, they must not know Kanye. Because no Kanye West show is complete without a whiny, hissy fit rant about how hard it is being Kanye West. There's not a pacifier big enough to shut his gaping whine hole. Kanye started off his cry fest by saying that he's not a celebrity, he's a terrible celebrity, and all he does is make real music and he's not here to be on the cover of tabloids.
Bumping his dome on that sign last week was totally a metaphor for Kanye's life. Kanye's head is so far up his own ass that he's blind to the fact that he's the best kind of tabloid celebrity because of all of his anus-popping meltdowns and ALL-CAPS rants. On top of all of that, he put a fetus into the fame whore of all fame whores whose oxygen is the flash from a paparazzo's camera. Bitch is trying to act like he's the J.D. Salinger of hip hop. He's about as reclusive as Kim Kartrashian.
Miss Info transcribed Kanye's latest cry baby rant if you really don't want to fill your ears with the sound of his whining:
“I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity… There’s one thing about me, I’m a terrible, terrible terrible celebrity. I don’t know if you really know there’s one thing about me but I’m the worst kind of, the worst kind of celebrity. All I do is make real music. All I do is sit in the studio and make real shit. And that’s it. And that’s muthafuckin it. That’s muthafuckin it!
So I don’t want no people runnin’ up on me with cameras, trying to like sell pictures and shit to magazines, asking me dumb ass questions, throwin’ me off my focus and shit. Harrasin’ you all muthafuckin day. I ain’t no muthafuckain celebrity.
It’s so funny. Somebody asked me, ‘when you do SNL, are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and shit. And like humanize yourself? I ain’t hear to apologize to no muthafuckas man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At one point did I become un-human where I had to turn myself back. Or maybe I was demonized, or maybe I was treated inhumane and not human in that type of situation. I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity. I ain’t runnin’ for office. I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s muthafuckin babies. I drop your baby and you muthafuckain sue me and shit. I’m trying to make some music that inspires people to be the best that they can be. And I don’t want nobody else to ask anything of me! Don’t ask nothing else of me.
Muthafuckas chasin you down, about to make you crash and shit. And all they want is for a nigga to laugh and shit. Hell nah, I ain’t doin no muthafuckin SNL skits. This is my Goddamn life. This ain’t no muthafuckin joke.
Whenever anybody would scream out "¡Santo Dios!" in front of my abuelita, she'd slap them with her eyes before grabbing her rosary to say a prayer for their sinful souls. Well, Pimp Mama Kris is probably clutching Lucifer's loin cloth and repeating an Illuminati chant to herself, because almost everything that Kanye said last night is against her religion.
Not pictured: The dozens of hands coming for Karolina Kurkova's blond ponytail. Somebody needed to yank that ginge-stealing hussy tramp's hair and drag her away for shamelessly air kissing on Prince Hot Ginge in front of all of us. And if we could see Karolina Kurkova's face, you know she'd be saying, "And he's anointing me with his scepter too, you jealous whores," with her eyes. It's like eating warm hot carrot bread in front of a starving orphan.
The clouds are covering the sun, millions of genitals have gone into hibernation and we can all put our lube with SPF away, because Prince Hot Ginge has finished scooting across America and is going back to England today. The last stop on PHG's tour was a charity polo match in Greenwich, Connecticut yesterday afternoon.
It's a sad day in America, but PHG will be back in a few months for the birth of his quadruplets with Karolina Kurkova (yes, air kissing with PHG immediately leads to a severe case of the BABIES!!) and the birth of his ginger centaur baby with the horse he rode in yesterday's match (yes, PHG can knock up a horse even when he rides it with protection).
And Karolina Kurkova should shellac the inside of her nostrils, because she's obviously inhaling a huge PHG fart here. Never wash your nose again, KK.
Rejected by the Macy's parade committee, the Def Jam balloon featured a tribute to Russell Simmons and the hot dogs that were surgically removed from Kimora Lee's neck. - Dawn Davenport
After much begging and pleading from PMK, The city of Los Angeles finally agreed to give Kim Kardashian her very own float for the upcoming Memorial Day parade. - N.
Oh, look! Jennifer Aniston's honeymoon balloon ride 'accidentally' crash landed on St. Angie's property. Well played Jennifer, well played. - seejaneclick
via Boing Boing
The French waitress at a 50s diner who celebrated marriage equality in France by jumping on a banquette to tell all her customers that she's a lesbian and can get married now! This is so dramatique that if Anne Hathaway was a French waitress at a 50s diner, this is what her coming out would look like. I kept waiting for dramatic music to swell into my ears when she threw her arms out.
And the bald dude in front of her is totally like, "That's wonderful and everything, but where's my pie?"
via Good As You
Pierce Brosnan (60)
Behati Prinsloo (24)
Megan Fox (27)
Jim Sturgess (35)
Melanie Lynskey (36)
Tori Spelling (40)
David Boreanaz (44)
Tracey Gold (44)
Tucker Carlson (44)
Danielle Spencer (44)
Janet Jackson (47)
Mare Winningham (54)
Debra Winger (58)
Christian Lacroix (62)
Judy Finnigan (66)
Danny Trejo (69)
Earlier today, I wrote about how Brooke Mueller sent her lawyers to court to try to take temporary custody of her twin boys from Denise Richards and give it to her brother in Orange County. Charlie Sheen wanted Denise Richards to keep temporary custody of his kids and his lawyers argued that Brooke was only after the $55,000 a month in child support. A MESS! And when Charlie Sheen, whose brain is a pile of coke mush, comes out as a voice of reason, you know shit is a real mess.
Well, they all argued in front of a judge today and the judge told Brooke's lawyers the same thing an ATM told me when I tried to get $120 out of it the other day: "DENIED!" The judge basically told Brooke's lawyers that knitting a peen cozy out of their own pubes would've been a better use of their time than coming into court to ask for some dumb shit. A source told Radar:
“[The judge] flatly denied Mueller’s request to to have Denise stripped of temporary custody, and placed in the care of her brother in Orange County. There was absolutely no reason that could justify the move, which would only uproot the twins yet again
Brooke’s claims that Denise was only taking care of the boys for financial gain fell flat because the actress signed a sworn declaration that she had refused money from Charlie. Denise’s declaration also went on to say that she didn’t want any money EVER for her care of the boys.
Brooke just doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation involving custody of the boys. She is used to just snapping her fingers, and having her lawyers work their magic, and make the problem go away. This isn’t being heard in family court, the fact it’s in child dependency court because of her actions is extremely serious. She should stop wasting the courts resources and focus on what is best for the boys, and not her self-interest.”
And after Brooke told her rehab mate at Betty Ford, Lindsay Lohan, about this, LiLo's mind boggled around for a few seconds before she said, "The judge denied you? They can do that?"
In case you you've been hungry for a small dollop of insanity from America's favorite gourmet couple Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, who put the nightmare in Kitchen Nightmares, here's a video of what happened when CBS 5 News tried to ask them about their Facebook meltdown. Surprisingly enough, Amy didn't open the door, snatch that reporter and try to resell her to a human trafficking ring, because that's what America's all about. Amy dribbled out some insanity about how the news crew was trespassing and the FBI is looking into the "hacking" of their Facebook account. Maybe Crazy Amy is telling the truth, because if I was an FBI agent, I'd investigate that mess, but only so I can interview her and take in her crazy live and in person.
Then Samy came out and rambled out more nonsense before Amy screamed at him to come inside. They're the gift that keeps on giving until they're eventually dragged away to the mental institution.
In other Crazy Amy news, a lady who used to be a server at Amy's Bakery did an AMA on Reddit and said that Amy went to prison for identity fraud for 14 months.
In Amy's defense, if I was her, I'd want to be someone else too.
If you ranked all the greatest supermodels of the world past and present, Phoebe Price would be at the very top and all the other supermodels would be in big pile far, far, far below her. But at the Cannes Film Festival premiere of The Great Gatsby today, Cindy Crawford put her fingers on PP's toes when she sashayed out onto the red carpet looking like this. Cindy Crawford came hard for Chicken Cutlets (that visual, I know) by looking like a Botoxod leather vision in white. Richard Gere's former gerbil handler also gets extra points, because the top of her dress sort of looks like two bedazzled antelopes kissing.
Meteorologists in Cannes reported that today was the first day in the history of weather reporting that there was not one single gust of wind in Cannes. Cindy Crawford's hair just naturally looks like the wind is blowing through it. On the last night of Cannes, Cindy and PP should have a pose-off at the top of the stairs. The world as we know it would never be the same again!
Here's a few others who tried to out-glamour Cindy Crawford tonight. In order after Cindy: Basement Baby, Nicole Kidman (the hell is that hair?), Bai Ling, Carey Mulligan with the Gatsby dudes, Leonardo DiCatchAho with Tobey Maguire and Lana Del Taco with Florence Welch. (Yes, Florence was standing too close to Cindy when that picture of her drowning in her own hair was taken).
John Currin's portrait of a naked Bea Arthur is expected to sell at for at least $1.8 million at Sotheby's today. I thank all of you in advance for selling all of your possessions, loved ones and internal organs to buy this for me. I will hang it over my Ikea dresser and pray to it every night. Thank you for being a friend. - HuffPo
CHRIS EVANS' ARMS. That is all. - Lainey Gossip
Aubrey O'Day gives us her best "skank caught in the headlights" look - Drunken Stepfather
LeAnn Rimes bought a husband, so it's no surprise that she's buying Twitter followers too - The Superficial
Um, Christina Hendricks' husband should be kissing the feet of God for having a wife that looks like her, so I'm sure he'd be okay with her wearing sweats every now and again - Celebitchy
Hayden Pantyairs' braid kind of looks like the chicken and onion screwer I had for lunch on Sunday - Hollywood Tuna
Carrie Underwood models a piece called "The Glimmer" from She-Ra's new lingerie collection - Popoholic
Alyssa Milano stopped by The Grove before heading to her hostess job at the Howard Johnson's Diner - ICYDK
Nobody wants to be on Pimp Mama Kris' show - Reality Tea
For the rock bottom price of $2,000 (which is what Goopy spends a day on diamond water), you can meet Goopy Paltrow and allow her to judge you internally as she tries not to heave while shaking your peasant hand - Jezebel
And somewhere in this world, somebody is going to fap to this - OMG Blog
Justin Timberlake's Don Draper drag is not working - Just Jared
I see who ever made She By Sheree's commercial is now outsourcing their talents to Zoolander's biological son - Videogum
The stills from the new Predator movie are extremely terrifying - Moe Jackson
Things you do while stoned (or if you're Jessica Simpson, things you do all the time) - The Chive
Here's Beyonce's handwritten apology letter to her bumblebeys in Antwerp - IDLYITW
Jim Toth drinks the sweet nectar with AN AMERICAN CITIZEN on American soil - Popsugar
The gay version of Girls is happening at HBO - Towleroad
Rita Ora, is that you? - I'm Not Obsessed
The style evolution of Pretty Ricky - Crunk + Disorderly
You can almost hear those little piggies screech for help as they dangle off the side of that chrome shoe cliff.
During the opening ceremony of the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival today, Julianne Moore proved that she is a true movie star and a slave to glamour when she put on a smile like everything was okay while her toes tried to scramble out of that shoe. Or maybe Julianne felt no pain, because some of her toes lost consciousness after suffocating in those tiny shoes. I'm trying to figure out if partying with your baby toes hanging out is a classy look or is the worst kind of toe abuse (next to putting your toes in CROCS)?
Thankfully for Julianne, nobody on the red carpet noticed the toe trauma going on down below, because they were too busy basking in the poultry beauty of the Queen of Cannes Phoebe Price after she floated onto the red carpet. Either PP is wearing an anime girl mask or she's had her eyes stretched out. Whatever the case may be, the result is GORGEOUS!