Alice was just never quite the same after Mel's Diner closed. - BaconSlut

Runners-up:

This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. This is your brain with salmonella. - OurMissC

Rachael Ray needs to remember Elvira Hancock and "Don't get high on your own supply". - TexnDoc

"I don't know where I went wrong, I started the kids out every day with a wholesome home cooked methfast, I mean breakfast." - Dina Lohan - ijustcant

Source: ThinkStock via Awkward Stock Photos

Dr. Carrie Roman (as played by Betty Gilpin) from Nurse Jackie!

Dr. Carrie Roman is new to Nurse Jackie this year and she's already become one of my favorites, because she really doesn't give four shits about shit, probably got her medical degree from WebMD, screws other doctors on the job, rolls her eyeballs before she sees every patient, is allergic to getting up early, is a nut crusher, loves the word "cunt" and is an ice cold ice queen who was cut from the same block of ice as January Jones.

And since Dr. Carrie Roman sort of gives me young Marcia Cross vibes, I've told myself that she's the secret love child of Dr. Kimberly Shaw and Dr. Michael Mancini. I demand a DNA test! If during the season finale, Dr. Carrie Roman goes crazy and blows up All Saints, we'll know for sure she's the spawn of Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Tom Daley (19)
Sarah Ramos (22)
Mutya Buena (28)
Gotye (33)
Briana Banks (35)
Fairuza Balk (39)
Noel Fielding (40)
Lisa Edelstein (47)
Kevin Shields (50)
Nick Cassavetes (54)
Judge Reinhold (56)
Mr. T (61)
Al Franken (62)

Earlier, Lainey posted the cover of Esquire with Brad Pitt on it and now here's some pictures from the inside including my favorite one of him serving up some skinnier, dirtier Kid Rock in a turtleneck madness. A MESS! Since Brad Pitt likes to take pictures, photographer Max Vadukul took pictures of him taking pictures and wearing a turtleneck, because all serious photographers wear turtlenecks.... while taking pictures.

Esquire talked with Brad Pitt after St. Angie Jolie had a double mastectomy and he doesn't really talk about that (since it was still a secret then), but he talks about how he's so happy and so happy and so happy and so happy (translation: he was stoned the entire time).

On how he meets so many people that he can never remember faces (translation: his brain's memory chip is usually fogged up with weed smoke): "So many people hate me because they think I'm disrespecting them. So I swear to God, I took one year where I just said, This year, I'm just going to cop to it and say to people, 'Okay, where did we meet?' But it just got worse. People were more offended. Every now and then, someone will give me context, and I'll say, 'Thank you for helping me.' But I piss more people off. You get this thing, like, 'You're being egotistical. You're being conceited.' But it's a mystery to me, man. I can't grasp a face and yet I come from such a design/aesthetic point of view. I am going to get it tested."

On how he barely has any friends and likes making things: “I have very few friends. I have a handful of close friends and I have my family and I haven’t known life to be any happier. I’m making things. I just haven’t known life to be any happier.”

On how he's happiest when the screeches of his child army are filling his ear holes: “I always thought that if I wanted to do a family, I wanted to do it big. I wanted there to be chaos in the house… there’s constant chatter in our house, whether it’s giggling or screaming or crying or banging. I love it. I love it. I love it. I hate it when they’re gone. I hate it. Maybe it’s nice to be in a hotel room for a day – ‘Oh, nice, I can finally read a paper.’ But then, by the next day, I miss that cacophony, all that life.”

On how he decided ten years ago to put down the bong and do something: “I’d get so far and then want to do something else. I mean, I’m two credits short of graduating college. Two credits. All I had to do was write a paper. What kind of guy is that? That guy scares me – the guy who always leaves a little on his plate. For a long time I thought I did too much damage – drug damage. I was a bit of a drifter. A guy who felt he grew up in something of a vacuum and wanted to see things, wanted to be inspired. I followed that other thing. I spent years fucking off. But then I got burnt out and felt that I was wasting my opportunity. It was a conscious change. This was about a decade ago. It was an epiphany – a decision not to squander my opportunities. It was a feeling of get up. Because otherwise, what’s the point?”

Around ten years ago, Brad Pitt was doing that Troy movie, he was still married to Jennifer Aniston, he didn't have a Maddox in his life and he was suffering while hanging his head over a bong. Brad sort of said the same thing to Parade Magazine a couple of years ago. We get it, Brad. St. Angie's wonderland of a vagine is a bottomless pit of happiness and when he dipped in there, it was like he was skipping on sunshine while hugging a bunch of kittens. Angie's coochie is like Ecstasy, basically. We get it!

And here's more pictures of Brad giving me Willie Nelson meets Kid Rock meets Fabio vibes in Esquire.

Taylor Swift displayed her hate for all things Justin Bieber when she did the international sign for "EWWW! Bieber cooties!" by sticking her tongue out while watching him kiss on Selena Gomez. Then later on while talking to the press, Taylor continued to display her hate for all things Justin Bieber when she shooed away a question about him. A reporter asked Taylor what she thinks about Justin Bieber winning the Milestone Award at such a young age. Taylor kept herself from dry heaving and then asked for another question.

I didn't think I liked any side of Taylor Swift, but I do like this anti-Bieber side of her. Yes, the crazed Beliebers will soon break out of their playpens at the mental ward and tear Taylor's scarecrow body apart, but I hope she spits out a whole lot of Beiber hate before that happens.

You know, one of my friends (correction: one my EX-friends) said on IM today that it's obvious that Taylor is being mean to Justin, because she really wants to scissor with him on her pirate canopy bed. That makes sense since Taylor is forever an 8th grader on the inside and she's a big meanie to boys she likes. Then this same friend when way too far when he said that if Nick Jr. was ever going to remake Beverly Hills, 90210, Justin should play Dylan, Taylor should play Kelly Taylor and Selena should play Brenda Walsh. I have never blocked a bitch on IM so fast in my life. It's all fun and games until you compare Selena Gomez to Brenda Walsh. Besides, Justin's way more of an Emily Valentine than a Dylan McKay.

And somewhere in a music studio right now, Tom Cruise is working on an album of songs in hopes that he wins a Billboard Music Award next year, because those trophies look like alien dicks.

When January Jones got knocked up and wouldn't say who she made a baby with, Merv Griffin Productions almost greenlit the "Who's January Jones' Baby Father?" game show and Maury Povich told friends (no, he didn't) that his career isn't complete until he says "YOU ARE THE FATHER" to the true father of her baby. "Who shot a load of baby batter up into January Jones' ovaries?" became the biggest question since "Who shot JR?" Some guessed Jason Sudeikis, some guessed Bobby Flay and some guessed (and got threatened with a lawsuit for it) Matthew Vaughn. January Jones never said, and in an interview with The New York Times, the iceberg with blond hair says that it's really nobody's business.

“That’s my son’s business. It’s not the public’s business.

Jack Nicholson once told me: ‘You should never give your personal life away, otherwise people will pick you apart. They’ll never believe in your character. Women should have lots of secrets. It’s our right to have secrets. Otherwise, what would we write in our memoirs?”

What I'm taking that to mean is that Jack Nicholson is probably the father. What I'm also taking that to mean is that January Jones won't tell us if Jack Nicholson is the father or not until she can't even get cast as a park statue in a Lifetime movie and has to get attention by writing the name of her son's father in her memoirs. Bitch is thinking ahead.

"That piece of trash ruined my will to love and now he's stolen my hairstyle!!!" screamed Jennifer Aniston after seeing Brad Pitt on the cover of June's Esquire - Lainey Gossip

How long before Amanda Bynes Photoshops her legs around Wheelchair Jimmy's fro? - The Berry 

Cerie from 30 Rock got married - OMG! Yahoo 

Oh, so that's what dominatrixes looked like during pilgrim times - Drunken Stepfather

If you put your butt up to the screen while playing this video, it'll be the closest you'll ever get to getting your salad tossed by Jack Black - Towleroad

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner joked about their marriage on SNL - Celebitchy

Well, Snookitina instantly lost 10 pounds when she scraped all thirty layers of red lip paint off of her mouth - The Superficial 

Olivia Munn in a bikini and sucking on a lollipop for Esquire, because nobody has every done that before - Hollywood Tuna 

This is what happens you mix booze and Kid Rock's natural doucheness - Buzzfeed

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are about to go public with their relationship and might I suggest that they go public with an HD sex tape? I need something to wash away the images of Backdoor Farrah - ICYDK

This dog needs to get it together! It's just a Disney movie and it's not even Bambi! - Jezebel

Jessica Biel looks like she was attacked by silly string - Popoholic

Sinbad is broke - HuffPo

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH - Reality Tea

I can't play any musical instruments, but I'm still going to start a band just so I can name it ANAL BREATHS - Videogum

The dude from Shameless is only giving to show you his ass for now - OMG Blog

The Diva from Smash got another job! - Just Jared

Robert Pattinson moves his crap out of Kristen Stewart's house in trash bags. Sparkle vamps: they're just like us! - Popsugar

Ricky Martin's twins are the miniaturized versions of him - I'm Not Obsessed

The Billboard Music Awards show wasn't totally a lukewarm cesspool of crap music, whiny fetuses and three cent strippers (see: Nicki Minaj). There was some true talent there too. In between Miguel's Janelle Monae-looking ass nearly giving a girl brain damage and Chris Brown summoning the demons with his unremarkable anus face, the dandelion of funk that is Prince sprouted up on stage and the frosted white shadow on his eyelids nearly melted when he brought the sexy in heavy doses.

Jehovah's sexiest witness gave coochies a reason to cream when he puckered up those glossy lips and worked every piece of fringe on the jacket your grandmother donated to the Salvation Army years ago. Lauryn Hill twins made those hos salivate from every orifice last night.

Prince looks like a black Mrs. Roper and he gets crazier by the day, but I still would.

And I think the real reason Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate holidays is because they are too busy celebrating Prince's beauty. That is a good reason!

E! confirmed through multiple "sources" last week that Beyonce, Jay-Z and the rest of the world will soon be graced by another infinite holy one of eternal light, because they said a fetus checked into her womb. But apparently, Old Man Ebro of Hot 97 (via Kid Fury) heard straight from the horse's camel's mouth that Beyonce is not pregnant with baby Lavender Flytrap Carter. Old Man Ebro is e-mail friends with Jay-Z and he sent J a congratulatory e-mail a few days ago. Jay-Z responded back with this:

“It’s not true. The news is worse than blogs."

The news is worse than the blogs?! That hurts like a hot sauce enema. As a blogger, I've always prided myself on being the absolute worst, so it makes me sad knowing that the head of the Illuminati's New York office thinks the news is trashier than the blogs. I have got to do worser.

If you're still hungover and didn't read the headline, you're probably wondering why I posted a picture from 2004 of Portia De Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres. These two peroxide-haired beauties aren't Portia and Ellen. It's Nicole Kidman and Sun-In's most loyal customer Keith Urban kissing and loving on each other at the Cannes screening of Inside Llewyn Davis over this weekend.

I had to check to see if there's been any recent break-up rumors about these two, because why else would they canoodle on each other like two 15-year-olds whose parents just dropped them off at the school dance. Nicole and Keith's STUNT QUEEN PDA show for the photographers is cute and everything, but I want to scream at them the same thing I wanted to scream at the couple in Olive Garden who sat on the same side of the booth and kissed on each other throughout my entire meal, "You're loved-up grossness is putting me off of these delicious breadsticks."

And if I squint my eyes, Nicole sort of looks like an albino predator who's trying to swallow an angora ferret whole.