In Angie Jolie's op-ed piece for The New York Times (which has already won two Pulitzers and has been re-published in every esteemed medical journal in the world, thankyouverymuch), she writes that doctors told her she has also a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer. Angie's mother Marcheline Bertrand died of ovarian cancer in 2007. Angie wrote that she had a preventative double mastectomy first, because it's a more complicated surgery and her chances of getting breast cancer are higher. People says in their current issue that Angie is also going to get her ovaries removed.

Every tabloid editor just choked out an intern, because they just lost 30% of their covers. There goes their semi-monthly "Brad Storms Out After Angelina Reveals Surprise Pregnancy!" cover. They shouldn't worry, though. I'm sure that deep in the bowels of Chateau de Brangelina is a giant freezer room where thousands upon thousands of Angie's eggs are stored. So the world will be blessed with a million more chosen ones....unless Brad Pitt gets six degrees of stoned one night, stumbles in there and eats all the eggs with hot sauce. That is extremely possible.

And speaking of Brad, he had more things to say about Angie's mastectomy. Brad said this to USA Today:

"I'm quite emotional about it, of course. She could have stayed absolutely private about it and I don't think anyone would have been none the wiser with such good results. But it was really important to her to share the story and that others would understand it doesn't have to be a scary thing. In fact, it can be an empowering thing, and something that makes you stronger and us stronger."

And Jon Voight, who found out when you found out, also had some shit to say:

“My love and admiration for my daughter can't be explained in words. I saw her two days ago with my son Jamie. We all got together for his birthday, with her and Brad (Pitt). But I didn't know. It wasn't obvious at all. I found out (Tuesday) morning. I was as surprised as anyone and deeply moved by the way she’s handled this. She’s a very extraordinary person, the way she examined it and what she shared.”

And so did my favorite Voight child, James Haven:

"My sister like our mother always put her children first. I am so grateful to be her brother."

And because why not, Brad Pitt's mother (who supposedly has "TEAM ANISTON FOREVER, VATO!" tattooed on her chest) also released a statement of words:

"We're so very proud of Angie, this means so much to our family especially our grandchildren. We love her dearly."

I'm sure that later today we'll also get statements from Billy Bob Thornton, Jonny Lee Miller, Jenny Shimizu, her kindergarten teacher, her Gia co-star Kylie Travis, James Haven's taint waxer, Maddox's personal secretary and Dina Lohan (because she has nothing better to do than get drunk and write statements).

Poor Goopy knows exactly what to expect when she goes to the restroom after having a coke and an Oreo. - LaChaylo

Runners-up:

The real reason for the break up... this is what Ryan Seacrest saw every time he looked at Julianne Hough. - tojo

I don't see what the big deal is. It's just proof that Federline jacked off last time he was at the beach. - Skinnymalinky

Being an epileptic at SeaWorld also has its advantages! - BaconSlut

via PIU

Mama Buzzard from a bunch of Looney Tunes cartoons!

The other day, while writing about Anne Hathaway's bashful-eyed mute husband, I compared him to the true biological father of Audrina Patridge, Beaky Buzzard (aka The Bashful Buzzard). That made me think of Beaky Buzzard's hot mom Mama Buzzard. Mama Buzzard was a big Greek bitch who didn't give three shits that she only had two hairs on her head and wouldn't put up with Beaky Buzzard being a bashful ho. Since I was basically Beaky Buzzard all through school and on the first day of preschool I begged my dad to let me stay home, Mama Buzzard was my worst nightmare. Bitch made bitches do shit.

And can somebody please tell me the kind of weed Beaky Buzzard is smoking?

David Charvet (41)
Jessica Sutta (31)
Alex Breckenridge (31)
Jamie-Lynn Sigler (32)
Zara Phillips (32)
Caroline Dhavernas (35)
David Krumholtz (35)
Ahmet Zappa (39)
Prince Be (43)
Emmitt Smith (44)
Giselle Fernandez (52)
Brian Eno (65)
Chazz Palminteri (67)
Lainie Kazan (73)
Madeline Albright (76)
Trini Lopez (76)

Aren't you just looking at that naked picture of an obvious woman and asking yourself, "Is it a woman? Is it an alien? Is it an exquisite Filipino gay twink?" That's the power of Zoe Saldana's androgyny at work. She's just so androgynous. If she only knew what "androgyny" meant....

Bradley Cooper's ex-beard is on the cover Allure Magazine and during the interview she told them that she's done with dating actors. Zoe refused to say whether or not she's gotten with a chick before, but she did say that maybe one day she'll raise a kid with a lady, because she's androgynous and that's what androgynous people do.

"[I might] end up with a woman raising my children.....that's how androgynous I am. Yes, I was raised that open."

Oh, Zoe, if only you were raised to know what the definition of "androgynous" is.

If you've been following the Amy's Baking Company freakout on Facebook, then I'm sure you've gone through several bags of popcorn and have thrown up seven tons of laughs from watching those crazy bitches lose whatever is left of their minds all over their keyboards.

If you have no idea what I'm talking, then immediately watch part 1 and part 2 of last Friday's episode of Kitchen Nightmares. For the first time in Kitchen Nightmares history, Gordon Ramsay, who prides himself on being a hot-tempered cunt, walks out of Amy's Baking Company Bakery Boutique & Bistro in Scottsdale, AZ, because he couldn't break through the shield of craziness permanently surrounding owners Amy and Samy Bouzaglo.

In just one episode, the Bouzaglos stole their waitstaff's tips, fired a server, Samy threatened to whoop a customer's trick ass and Amy threatened to call the police after a customer asks if he can have the pizza he bought from them. That's basically what would happen if Chris Brown, Kanye West, Lindsay Lohan and Sean Penn opened up a Sbarro/Dunkin Donuts together. Gordon gives up and walks out on them and that was that.....until last night.

After the episode aired, they got hundreds of one-star reviews on Yelp and last night, they started responding to all the hate on Facebook. It's theater at its finest! When Reddit started following their meltdown and people started commenting on how they sell repackaged cakes, they turned up the crazy and got even crazier.

Scottsdale's most reputable gourmet chefs have since taken down most of their ALL-CAPS rants and claim that they've been hacked (the FBI is looking into it, uh huh), but Eater screen-capped some of their greatest moments. My favorite is the one above and Samy and Amy should get some kind of customer service award for it. I kind of want to call up Amy's Baking Company and ask if they take lunch reservations for tomorrow, because my life isn't complete until I hear Amy call me a SLUTTY BITCH. That is the ringtone my iPhone severely needs.

And where's the petition to get these two on The Next Food Network Star, Cupcake Wars and basically every other show on television?

James Franco's in GQ Magazine showing off his black belt fisting skills. Teen Mom Farrah doesn't know whether to close her legs or try to book James for the sequel to her porn - Lainey Gossip

Why is an inflatable green ball with a face trying to nibble on Heidi Klum's tit? - Drunken Stepfather

When Denise Richards turned down Charlie Sheen's stack of cash for taking care of twins he just shrugged and said, "More snatch and coke for me then!" - Celebitchy

Either Emma Watson's nipple is really long and skinny or she got a hamburger grease stain on her dress - The Superficial 

Just Jack is on TV again - Towleroad

Porn Iguana or Snookitina or a little of both?- Hollywood Tuna

The morphing of Blair Waldorf and JLo was at the FOX Upfronts - Popoholic

Jimmy Choo wants Nicole Kidman's feet - Just Jared

LuMann and Aviva might not be in the next season of Real Houseflies of New York City - Reality Tea

The look on Tori Spelling's kids faces says it all - ICYDK

Douche parade and yes, I'd hit them all - The Berry 

Vanessa Hudgens either has a herp sore or one of the paps blew a fart her way - IDLYITW

B. Coop wants a lot of balls on his head - Popsugar

Carrie Underwears isn't ready to rent her womb out to a baby yet - I'm Not Obsessed

Oh...Brooke Mueller.... - HuffPo

Ling Woo > Sandra Bullock - Jezebel

$950 for a shot glass that looks like an oversized thimble from Monopoly?  - Videogum

The last time something this hot, spicy and juicy hit Seaside Heights, it was a wart and it was attached to Snooki's puss. Thankfully, this time around the CDC didn't have to get involved when a piping hot piece of juicy hotness hit the boardwalk. If you think I'm talking about Chris Christie instead of Prince Hot Ginge, that works too. I mean, who can resist a piece who wears his pants all the way up to his chest dumplings?

PHG is continuing to bless the lands of America and today he visited the Seaside Boardwalk with Governor Chris Christie, because that's what princes do, they visit things. PHG and his new best brofriend Chris Christie played games, said hi to Hurricane Sandy victims and then they memorialized the day by getting matching DTF tattoos on the inside of their bottom lips.

And for why is Mr. Slugworth from the Wonka Chocolate Factory standing behind PHG in that picture above?

In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a "lightning rod" and people constantly "project a lot of stuff" onto her. She doesn't ready any of that stuff, because it's none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she's too privileged, but she's just a woman with real problems. Goopy's not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn't know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!

When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today's writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:

"Are you crazy? I'm like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite."

Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of "literally" is or she's trying to tell us that she's got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she's offending "transvestites" everywhere, because no transvestite I've seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.

And I have only one response to her "I'm like RuPaul" comment:

Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.

Way before the Fastpass existed, I worked at Disneyland and my friends who worked the rides would complain to me about the fraudulent, shady whores who'd fake an injury to get to the front of the line. They'd tell me about schemers who'd roll up into the handicap line in a wheelchair and act like they had a broken ankle or some crap like that. My friends would tell me that the only thing broken on those whores were their sense of morals. While they went on and on about how disgusting those fakers were, I thought to myself, "That's actually a smart scheme." Sigourney Weaver's Heartbreakers character is one of my idols, so that explains why I have those thoughts.

Well, the New York Post says that some tour guide companies have taken that scheme to a whole new level and are renting out disabled tour guides to richies who can't be bothered with waiting in long lines at Disney World. Dr. Wednesday Martin (that's a hot name) found out about the underground network of "black market" Disney World tour guides while doing research for her book Primates of Park Avenue.

Some richies used to pay $310 to $380 an hour for a VIP guide and Fastpasses from Disney World's own tour department. But now some of those richies are paying a disabled tour guide from an outside tour company $130 an hour to pretend to be a member of their family. Disney World allows each guest who needs a wheelchair or motorized scooter to bring up to six guests with them to a special handicap entrance. Some rich Manhattan moms say that it's easier and cheaper than using a VIP guide.

Dr. Wednesday says that not everybody can call up and rent a disabled tour guide. You have to get a referral, so some Upper East Side twats see it as fucked up status symbol. Dr. Wednesday explained it to the Post:

“Who wants a speed pass when you can use your black-market handicapped guide to circumvent the lines all together? So when you’re doing it, you’re affirming that you are one of the privileged insiders who has and shares this information.”

Dream Tours Florida, one of the companies named by Manhattan richies as a provider of disabled tour guides, denied taking part in the scheme. The dude who runs the place, Ryan Clement, said that his tour guide girlfriend Jacie Christiano has an auto-immune disorder and uses a motorized scooter on the job, but that she isn't exploiting her disability for profit.

I don't know about this mess... Wouldn't the employees at Disney World realize that something in the milk wasn't clean every time Jacie rolled on in with new family members. How many times can you say, "Oh, these are my second cousins from my father's side"? But then again, I can say that truthfully since I have at least 30,000 cousins.

And this scheme is giving Pimp Mama Kris ideas. Rob Kardashian's sock line tanked and he's eating more money than he's worth, so it's only a matter of time before PMK dangles a piece of bacon at his face with one hand and Tonya Hardings him in the knee with the other. Then he can go work for Dream Tours and add something to the Kartrashian family fortune.