Not many women can be motorboated bow and stern. - loozer

Runners-up:

Congratulations to this year's winner of the World's Most Stressed Out String contest. 1st Runner Up: Coco's pink bikini. - LizzieBitch

The elusive fifth base. - freebird

Not content with being fat all by herself, Mariah Carey decided to start overfeeding her pet butterfly. - Ashton Cruz

via People of Walmart (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

Genevieve Goings, the hip-hop train conductor on Disney's Choo Choo Soul.

I don't wear Pull-Ups (usually) or eat my own boogers as an afternoon snack (not on a regular basis, anyway), so I've never heard of Choo Choo Soul before. But when I saw a picture of Genevieve Goings, my eyelashes started sweating and all I could see is twinkly stars floating off of her perfect eyebrows. Yes, it's always the eyebrows. I'm really that easy.

Besides being blessed with a pair of stunning eye valances, Genevieve also knows how to bust moves while on a moving train. Okay, the train isn't real, but let's not be too picky now. Clip beeeeelow:

(For Lorna)

Joel McHale (38)
Cody Linley (20)
Dan Byrd (24)
Kimberley Walsh (28)
Nadine Velazquez (31)
Josh Turner (32)
Dominique Dawes (33)
Davey Havok (34)
Callie Thorne (40)
Mike D (44)
Ming-Na (46)
Sean Young (50)
Bo Derek (53)
Mark Gastineau (53)
Joe Walsh (63)
Joe Biden (67)
Richard Dawson (77)
Estelle Parsons (82)
Kaye Ballard (84)

Tim Bennett, the president of HARPO, just released this statement:

"Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show' that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history. The sun will set on the "Oprah" show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011."

The screams coming from millions of stay-at-home moms and permanently unemployed gays may cause all of your senses to shut down, so you better get into your bomb shelter. The end is near. Obviously.

You know Gayle is causing those around her to go deaf from her shrieks of joy, because now Oprah will have more time for some non-stop scissoring. Pussies will go raw!

And what the hell is Tim talking about with that "most popular and influential" shit?! Has he never heard of Dynasty?!

Mimi's Super Sweet Christmas Lighting just happened at London's Westfield Mall tonight, and there was not one fluffy white kitten or dove in sight. Earlier this morning, there were rumors that Mimi demanded kittens, doves, a pink carpet, a magic wand and butterfly-shaped confetti for her appearance. The organizers already shut her down about the kitten thing, but they were still working on getting the doves to the party. Well, it looks like the only bird brain in the joint was Mimi herself, because there were no doves.

But Mimi did get some janky butterfly confetti that was made using scraps from a leftover bin. AND they also gave her a busted down magic wand, which they put together using a cardboard wrapping paper tube and a star-shaped cake pan. So there! Mimi the Diva still reigns (sarcasm)!

Here's the second trailer for MTV's upcoming masterpiece Jersey Shore (aka The Douchebag Diaries), and December 3rd can't come soon enough. Not only are the stars of this shit built like Greek Gods (after being doused in colonic fluid and filled with Silly Putty), but they are true poets. Below are the top 6 quotes from the trailer that will make your brain tingle and your soul go weak. Okay, these are all the quotes from the trailer. They are that poetic.

"There's no way I'm going to Jersey without my mangel."

"I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their head off."

"My abs are so ripped up it's called 'the situation.'"

"You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo, pretty much, without his shirt off?"

"I'm the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby"

"I'm a bartender. I do, you know, great things."

Megan Fox totally has some competition.

(Thanks Ktiz)

While some of us were fast asleep this morning dreaming about eating Twinkies with Tim Gunn (true story), Tila Tequila was starring in a marathon webcam party which went on for hours. Tila Tequila's Happy Time Tampon Marathon was broadcast on her Ustream page and featured her shaking nalgas, flashing her titty balls, playing with her tampon string and waving a gun around like it was a dildo. File this under: Things you can see in Tijuana for two Pesos.

According to TMZ, Tila also went off about Shawn Merriman, the footballer she accused of Chris Brown-ing her. Tila said Shawn does sex with underage girls, has turned his back on the black community and is a lady beating druggie. Tila also added, "People call me an attention whore .. or whatever ... but excuse me I'm a grown ass woman and I'm confident in myself ...I think a woman's body is a beautiful thing ... that's why I'm a lesbian ... I was born naked ... anybody who is against that is gay and in denial."

Tila's lawyer immediately blamed her on camera craziness on Shawn Merriman. Her lawyer said that the incident really pushed her right over the edge and straight into Planet Crazy. Tila is currently suing Shawn for $1.5 million.

If you have about 45 hours to kill and a handful of Valium at your disposal, click here and here to watch Tila's party. This shit is like the average audition tape for Rock of Love Bus.

I'm sure deep thinker Megan Fox is reciting Proust in her head while flashing her cooter - Hollywood Tuna

My So-Called Nipples - Egotastic!

Jenna Jameson's face might be on too tight, because she's not making sense - Celebitchy

David Walliams' piece of the week looks beat - Holy Moly!

Vintage Lady CaCa - Towleroad

Kate Bosworth photographed walking in front of Askars. This obviously confirms that they are doing anal together on an hourly basis - Lainey Gossip

Jennifer Aniston makes duckface - Just Jared

In "no need to announce the obvious" news, Pamela Anderson has done cocaine - Hollywood Rag

Will Ferrell is overpaid. Officially. - ICYDK

Bar Refaeli in some lingerie (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Heineken knows how to make a viral video - Cityrag

Sasha Fierce goes crowd surfing - Popeater

Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie celebrate the third anniversary of their contract signing - Popsugar

Does this trick really look like Lucille Ball or did the two Cup 'O Noodles I ate for lunch eff with my head? - I'm Not Obsessed

Kristen Stewart could've destroyed the plates faster if she simply just performed a scene for them - Socialite Life

YES! Baby Smiley, the premiere chola of YouTube, was on George Lopez's show last night to give an audience member a gorgeous cholita makeover. The audience member went from looking like a t-shirt folder at The GAP to a beautiful white girl chola with eyebrows that will make any parole officer flinch.

I'm sure that Baby Smiley's YouTube video has been watched more than a week full of George Lopez's talk show, but it's a start! TLC will soon be knocking on her door to give chola makeovers to the masses. Because Baby Smiley is right, everyone wants to look like they own stock in Sharpie and AquaNet.

A police officer in Arkansas was suspended with pay after he tasered a 10-year-old girl who was throwing a fit on the floor. The officer was not suspended for electrocuting the girl. He was suspended because he did not have a camera with him to record the incident. The police department was probably pissed about the camera thing, because they figured footage like that would've won them first place on America's Funniest Home Videos. Ugh.

It all started when the 10-year-old refused to take a shower and go to bed. The girl did what most 10-year-olds do when they don't get their way - she threw a fit. Most good mothers would give the girl a cocktail or a bong to calm her down. But this dumb ass mother called the police.

When Officer Dustin Bradshaw showed up to the home, he found the girl (who is 4'6" and weighs 65 pounds) screaming and kicking. According to the police report, the mother told Officer Dustin that he could tase her if he needed to. Officer Bradshaw wrote in the report that he tried to get the girl to stop by telling her she was going to jail, but homegirl was not scared. She is obviously a proud graduate of Latarian Milton's University of Hood Rat Stuff.

Officer Dustin stepped up his game and tried to handcuff the girl. She fought with him and ended up kicking him in the nuts. That's when Officer Dustin said he "lightly stunned" her in the back. The girl stopped fighting and Officer Dustin was able to handcuff her. She wouldn't walk, so he had to carry her to the police car. She was then transported to a youth shelter.

The police chief pretty much stood by his officer's decision. He said that the girl will be charged with disorderly conduct and the officer won't face additional disciplinary action.

The girl's father however wants the Arkansas State Police to investigate the incident. If they won't, he's going to ask the FBI for help. He said, "My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal."

Everyone is going CRAZY! Babies are getting slapped by strange pepaws at Wal-Mart! Kids are getting maced by drag queens on the subway! And now little girls are getting tasered by police officers while their mothers shake their heads in approval. What the hell is next? We shouldn't be surprised if we hear about a kindergarten teacher engaging in a shoot out with her students on the playground.

Sources: Fox News and TSG