Katie Price (35)
Caridee English (28)
Apolo Ohno (31)
Maggie Q (34)
Ginnifer Goodwin (35)
A.J. Langer (39)
Alison Eastwood (41)
Annabel Chong (41)
Naomi Campbell (43)
Brooke Smith (46)
Johnny Gill (47)
Morrissey (54)
Bernie Taupin (63)
Bernard Shaw (73)

....and then Kristen Stewart lifted her tear-stained face, looked at the unicorn on Taylor Swift's
 shirt and screamed, "Those used to dance in his magical forest hair!" ....And then Kristen Stewart wiped away her tears, stared at her hand and screamed, "I didn't know I had the ability to make these."

UsWeekly's fanfiction department reports that yesterday afternoon, Kristen Stewart and a friend drove to Taylor Swift's house in Beverly Hills after visiting another friend's house. A source says that KStew and her friend spent all day there before driving back to her house.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

Well, it probably means that Taylor Swift ran out of famous (or famous-ish) white dudes to date and write songs about, so now she's writing about other people's break-ups instead. She already got a few songs out of Selena Gomez and now she's moving on to Kristen Stewart's latest break-up. (WARNING: Taylor Swift's next album will have a Twatlight theme.) This also means that the unicorn and rainbows wallpaper in Taylor's Lisa Frank-themed parlor slid off the walls, because that much insufferableness in one room could melt hardened glue.

Or maybe Taylor just wanted to mend KStew's broken heart with a little, good old-fashioned scissoring.

I'm looking at the yellow rubber Munchstrong Livestrong bracelet a whole lot different now.

Comedian April Macie was on Howard Stern on Monday and she put the taste of burnt leather, chemicals, roasted corn and sweat in my mouth when she talked about the time she walked into a hotel room bathroom and caught her friend with a mouthful of Lance Armstrong's b-hole. April says that earlier in the night, she and her butt-munching girlfriend were partying with Lance at a party. Lance invited them back to his hotel room with a bunch of his friends and then this happened:

"I went to use the bathroom, and I went in and Lance was bent over a bathtub and she was just face deep in his asshole...I was terrified. And then he came out and said: ‘Does your friend want in on a round too?’ and I was like: 'Of taint tickling? I’m gonna take a pass'..I think it’s hilarious that he would ask without even knowing my first name—to eat his asshole. Like: ‘Do you want in on a round too? Of asshole eating?...I got pretty for the evening. I didn’t know he was going to ask me to eat his asshole later on.”

Most of the time when I go to a party, I regret going to that party, because going to parties are overrated. But I'd always go to parties if it meant that it would eventually lead to me walking in on some chick going to Rim Town on Lance Armstrong's roided-up ass. That is a perfect postcard moment right there. I'm surprised that Lance's bike seat isn't shaped like a giant tongue.

April's friend is a brave bitch, though. She's a brave bitch, because it takes a hardcore ho to stick her tongue in some random end-of-the-night man culo. She's also brave, because April says this happened about 5 or 6 years ago, so Lance's wrinkled Cheerio was probably roided all the way up then. Lance had The Hulk of anuses. April's friend could've lost her tongue. That's like putting your tongue in a cigar cutter. One minute you're tossing Lance's salad and the next minute you're picking pieces of your tongue out of his no-no.

And now we know what's really going on in this picture:

If that's not a "So, can I sit on your face?" look, I don't know what is.

via Examiner and Deadspin

RiRi is supposedly paying tribute to Marilyn Monroe here, but that forty five cent wig is totally "Colonel Sanders after a home perm gone wrong" - ICYDK

Leonardo DiCatchAHo looks like a vato trying to get down at a backyard barbecue - Lainey Gossip

There's still a baby growing inside all of Jessica Simpson - Drunken Stepfather

And just like that, Jon Bon Jovi's name has been written in saliva and mashed peas on under "most wanted" on every Believer's wall - The Superficial

If Rainbow Brite grew up and became a hippy raver - Hollywood Tuna

Why do I have a feeling that Beyonce snatched Grown Woman from Basement Baby's notebook? - Towleroad

Please someone cancel Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes twitter accounts. Their fights would be better so much better face-to-nostrils - Celebitchy

Celeb whores with the Anthony Davis - The Berry 

The nerd boys just blue themselves  - Popoholic

RiRi wants a mouthful of hillbilly chipmunk - Just Jared

Alec Baldwin gave his unborn baby the dizzies at Cannes - Popsugar

The censors get next year off, because Seth MacFartlane will not host the Oscars again - I'm Not Obsessed

"Don't bring me into this dark-sided mess!" - God - IDLYITW

Are we sure that chick is with Wilmer Valderrama? She looks over the age of 16 and that's usually his cutoff - Moe Jackson

And Katy Perry totally peed in that water - HuffPo

The husband of the new Real Housewife of NYC looks like he keeps the bones of children in his basement. He'll fit right in with the other husbands!  - Reality Tea

Jonathan Taylor Thomas is old enough to drink red wine now... - Videogum

This is pretty much going to be me when Shauna Sand dies - Jezebel

The only kind of pregnant lips I want to see on Kim Kartrashian are the ones on her face and I don't even want to see those - SOW

Creepy Doug Hutchison went to Disneyland yesterday and he didn't go to shop for his next child bride. Doug was there with his porn iguana bride Courtney Stodden to celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary. As the children around them asked their moms, "Mommy, does Rosie O'Donnell have alopecia and why is she kissing on that plastic iguana in low-budget Angelyne drag?", Doug and Courtney ate cotton candy and smeared each other's lip on one another for the paps. How quickly Disneyland can go from the happiest place on earth to the scariest place on earth.

Actually, let me correct that a bit. Courtney made Disneyland both the scariest place on earth and the most elegance place on earth. Those cotton candy heels deserve some credit.

When Shia LaDouche signed up for Lars Von Trier's Nymphomanic, he said that the scenes were going to be so graphic that you'd be able to see the fleas from his ass hairs jump up and down as he had missionary-style sex with his co-star. Shia insinuated that he was making fancy art house porn, but then Lars Von Trier later said that he was planning to use body doubles and special effects to make it look like the actors (including Shia, Charlotte Gainsburg, Uma Thurman, Willem Dafoe, Jamie Bell, Stellan Skarsgård, Connie Nielsen and Christian Slater) had actual sex with each other.

Well, The Hollywood Reporter says that Lars is CGI'ing the dicks and chochas of body doubles onto the actors. Lars shot the actors having fake movie sex and also shot the body doubles having real sex. He's going to cut and paste the bottom part of the body doubles onto the bottom part of the actors. The movie's producer explained it like this:

"We shot the actors pretending to have sex and then had the body doubles, who really did have sex, and in post we will digital-impose the two. So above the waist it will be the star and the below the waist it will be the doubles.”

Nymphomaniac was supposed to make its debut at Cannes, but because of all the work it takes to copy and paste a body double's dick onto Shia's crotch, they didn't make the deadline. It will premiere on Christmas Day (Merry Christmas!) in Copenhagen.

I totally understand why Lars didn't let Shia have actual sex. If he did, the entire movie would've been shut down by the health department. Since Lars is a slave to the details, I'm sure he hired exact body doubles of the actors. So I'm guessing that Shia's body double is a mouse. I mean, we've all seen it in that Sigur Rós video.

I'm taking a short break from our regularly scheduled program of foolery and fuckery to bring you a sweet story that proves that there are some nice people who do good things in the world. I know, this is my second nice story of the day and if I keep at it, I'll totally have to change this site's name from Dlisted to D'awwwlisted.

The New York Daily News (via UsWeekly) says that before Zach Galianakfifisksisnis was a multi-millionaire movie star, he did his laundry at Fox Laundry in Los Angeles and that's where he met Elizabeth "Mimi" Haist who volunteered there for tips. Elizabeth pretty much only survived on tips from customers and jumped from friend's house to friend's house, because she didn't have a place of her own. Zach and Mimi kept in touch, and years later when his checking account balance started to see more zeros, he got her an apartment in Santa Monica and he pays her rent and utilities every month.

Somehow Renee Zellweger got involved and decorated Mimi's apartment. Squinty also buys Mimi's groceries.

Zach didn't just set Mimi up in an apartment like a kept memaw and stop calling her. Zach calls Mimi to see how she's doing and always invites her to his premieres. Mimi has gone to several premieres and for the longest time nobody knew who she was. Some figured she was Zach's grandma and others figured she was his side piece (Zach wishes). 87-year-old Mimi was Zach's date to last night's premiere of The Hangover III and before the premiere, she said this:

“I’m looking forward to it, I like the excitement of it. If he’s in town, he takes me. Otherwise he lets me take a friend. I dress up nice and a friend helps me with my makeup. It’s fun, not something I’ve ever dreamed I’d experience.

Afterwards, they have a party at somewhere close by and you meet the stars. I drink lemon drop martinis with Grey Goose vodka.”

Zach Galikadsjflkadsjfklasdfi has a glorious beard of ginger lushness, so I would've before reading this, but now after finding out that he's a memaw helper, I really, really would. And somebody please strap all the Kardashians to chairs and read them Mimi's story from the New York Daily News. The thought of being selfless and generous will make all of their heads combust.

Here's a few pictures from last night's premiere. In order after Zach: a greasy vision in copper (who totally asked Mimi to be his next beard), Ed Helms, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, Heather Graham, Justin Bartha, Santana from Glee, Ken Jeong and Hanson.

Or is that the dude from Storage Wars?

Christian Bale (more like, Christian Bald) and his hair are fucking done professionally, because he shaved it all off and worked his new bald bitch look while walking through LAX with his family the other day. I don't know whether I want to buy meth from him or bid against his ass at a storage auction?

Christian looks like the kind of dude who blasts Hinder from his yellow F-150, keeps his white socks on during fuck times, calls everybody "champ" and eats beef jerky while fapping to porn. So with all that being said, yes, I'd hit it, but only if he kept his sunglasses on.

The Sun's headline for this story is: "Scrape me up before you go slow." I don't know whether to laugh, cry, slow clap or slap The Sun. Not today, The Sun, not today!

Last week, the original George Michael was airlifted to a hospital in London after he got into a car accident on the M1. George was treated for cuts and bruises and released. George wasn't driving and at the time and nobody knew what happened until now. Katherine Fox tells The Sun that she saw George Michael fall out of the passenger side of a silver Range Rover that was going 70mph on the motorway. (insert your WHAM! jokes here) Katherine, who busted out an "I am concerned, but also sexy" face while posing next to her Mini Cooper for The Sun, said George fell out and bounced along the motorway. Katherine ran to George and says his clothes were ripped, his shoes were off and he had a huge cut on his forehead. Katherine went on to say:

“I asked what had gone on and was told he tried to open the car door and shut it again because it wasn’t shut properly and apparently fell out at 70mph. I was on the phone to the ambulance and said, ‘You’d better come quick. This doesn’t look good’. George was wearing a black and gold Adidas tracksuit that was ripped all down the arm and shoulder. He had no trainers on. I grabbed one from the second lane because cars were swerving to avoid it. His sunglasses were also in the road. I could hear the crunch as cars drove over them.

George didn’t say anything, he just seemed in shock. He was sitting down against a car and in the arms of his friend. The guy holding him was quite scared. He kept saying to George, ‘Are you all right mate?’ I think George was lucky he didn’t die. If he’d landed in the second lane he would have been hit by a car without a doubt. He was in the middle of the M1. I could have run him over.”

George's boyfriend Fadi Fawaz, who wasn't in the car, told The Sun that he's resting at home and is doing good.

So many damn questions. Why wasn't George wearing a seat belt? Was this a hook-up gone terribly, terribly wrong? Was Gucci Mane driving the car? I was going to ask who tries to open and shut the door on the freeway, but then I realized that the answer is obviously George Michael. Oh, George Michael. When he drives a car, bad things happens and when he just sits in a car, bad things happen. Maybe he should just take the bus from now on.

While talking to Anna Werner of CBS News about the tornado that killed dozens and destroyed thousands of homes, survivor Barbara Garcia of Moore, Oklahoma told them that she rode out the storm in the bathroom with her dog. Sometime during the storm, Barbara and her dog got separated and she knew he was under the rubble somewhere. Then, during the interview, a little shot of hope popped up when Anna spotted Barbara's dog under the rubble. I really expected a Disney song to start playing. Barbara ran to her furry friend while I screamed at Anna and the crew, "You dumbasses, drop your mic and cameras and help TOTO out of there!"

That dog kind of does look like Toto.

The two were reunited and now you better go to your office's HR department and complain to them that it's totally unacceptable for people to be cutting onions near your cubicle and it's REALLY unacceptable for sawdust to be flying all over the air, especially when you're suffering from allergies. That's what you're crying, right?

via Buzzfeed (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)