20 years from now Maddox is busy baby-sitting embryos at St. Angie's egg farm. - starvis

Runners-up:

Jon, I know you're desperate to get your balls back since leaving Kate, but this is overkill, no? - sophie_003

Dear Alan,
The next time you're standing on a ledge, wanting to end it all and you're wishing to be buried surrounded by melons...
BE MORE SPECIFIC!!!!
Sincerely,
God - ISprainedMyUvula

You'd scream too if you got stuck the middle of Wonky McValtrex's latest outbreak - sparky nemesis

VIA Picture Is Unrelated

Kim Petras - Kim is a 16-year-old German pop singer who has a vagina now, but used to have a peen. Kim used to be Tim. Kim says that she always knew since a young age that she wanted to be a chick and her parents let her have the snip last year after she turned 16. Now that she's gotten the peen out of the way, Kim is focusing on her music career.

Below is the new video for her song "Die For You." If it was 1998, instead of 2009 and if I was rollin' on Ecstasy instead of sipping on watered down coffee, this song might be hot. Unfortunately, the song is kind of shit. But Kim looks hot and she has a shiny new vagina!

Matthew Fox (43)
Taboo (34)
Jackie Earle Haley (48)
Jane Lynch (49)
Joel Silver (57)
Tommy Mottola (60)
Vincent Pastore (63)
Polly Bergen (79)
Nancy Olson (81)
Harry Dean Stanton (83)
Arthur Laurents (91)

Ooooooh! Jakey G's ass lips were throbbing in anger last night, because the pappies just wouldn't get out of his life! Usually, my nipples don't howl for Jakey, but his "I Iz So Angry! WTF Iz Wrong Wit U?" face is giving me fever. Bitch could pass for a top!

The best part is that Reese doesn't really know what's going on, because bitch has the drunks in a major way. I think she's trying to stop the world from spinning so fast, so she won't vom in Jakey's lap. Then the bitch in Jakey would really pop out (to the tune of The Bitch Is Back)! Jakey does like a load of salty goo in his crotch, but not when it's lady barf.

How did Reese manage to get drunk? She seems like the type to only have little a sip of booze at New Year's. Reese's boring ass probably just drank a Shirley Temple too fast. Bitch should do that more often, because she actually looks happy in the face.

Here's angry Jakey, drunky Reese and Jenny Lewis leaving the Hollywood Bowl last night.

SPOILER ALERT! The dumb skanks of Big Brother haven't even been in the house for a week and they are already throwing racial slurs at each other. Yeah, I guess I should be surprised that it took them this long.

The slur came from the mouth of Braden, the model/actor/surfer/fashion icon (his words, not mine) who once flashed (NSFW) flashed his wang on an episode of Dante's Cove.

During a bitch fight today, Braden said to Kevin, "What the fuck are you? You're a Mexican from San Diego!" While Kevin (who is half black and half Asian) screamed, "I AM NOT A MEXICAN," Braden kept saying, "You're a fucking beaner. You're all beaners!"

Braden makes no sense. Why does he think "You're a Mexican from San Diego" is a major insult? For shits, I googled "Mexican from San Diego" and got a picture of a surprised turtle and a picture of delicious tacos. That looks like a compliment to me.

This reminds me of the time in junior high school when some idiotic bitch called me a "gay wetback." I had to burst her racial slur bubble by telling her that I was born here. But that didn't stop her! She had the perfect comeback: "Okay, well you're a wannabe gay wetback then and that's like way worse." And she's an authentic dumb fuck.

Braden later apologized to Kevin.

I think that CBS should do things a little differently this season. This Thursday, instead of sending someone home, the producers should release a pack of rabid boars into the house. Because it's only going to get worse.

(Thanks Colette)

Molly Ringwald, or "the ginge from that old movie about detention" for those of you born after 1990, had matching baby friends on Friday in Los Angeles. Molly made the twin babies with her hot piece husband, Panio Gianopoulos. They join 5-year-old sister Mathilda Ereni.

NOW FOR THE NAMES! Unfortunately, she didn't name 'em Duckie and Grandma Helen. Molly's spokeswhore told UsWeekly that she named the girl twin Adele Georgiana and the boy twin Roman Stylianos.

You know Bobby Trendy (Government name: Raymond John Muro) is going to punch himself in the taint for not coming up with the name "Roman Stylianos" for himself. Roman Stylianos sounds like the name of faaaaabulous fictional fashion designer on Ugly Betty. Yes, I know it's a Greek name. Don't throw Feta at me!

Jon Gosselin's new piece has an arrest record. Of course. This is Hailey Glassman's mug shot from when she was caught with two bags of the good shit outside of her dorm room at Indiana University in 2005.

A few of you hos sent me this shit and applauded Hailey for having such "exquisite" eyebrows. Au con-fucking-traire! They are wonky as hell and you know it.

One brow looks like a golf club and the other one looks like a hockey stick. Different sports! Pick a league, bitch!

It looks like Hailey learned the hard way that you have to lean back a bit when lighting a bong.

VIA Splash

This is some "On Golden Pond" shit! - Just Jared

Nicole Richie's unborn baby weighs more than her - Popsugar

Parasite Hilton's crotch creatures surface in San Diego - Towleroad

SHOCK! Marisa Miller is completely covered from head to toe! Naw. She's nekkid again. - Egotastic!

A microwaved Slim Jim hits the beach (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

If you happened to see Public Enemies in NYC yesterday and wondered why it was colder than Heather Mills' nipples in the theater, it's because Nicole Kidman was there - Lainey Gossip

How many members of the Russian Olympic weightlifting team and gallons of Crisco did it take to get Kim Kardassian into this bodysuit? - Hollywood Tuna

Bette Davis looks younger - Cityrag

HoHan looks hot. And by "hot," I mean she looks like Central Florida day-shift hooker again - Hollywood Rag

Does Brendan Fraser have something tell us?! Or maybe he doesn't even know himself and we'll soon see his ass on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" after he pops out a baby in the toilet of a public bathroom? Or maybe he's starring as the pregnant dude in a Lifetime biopic? Or maybe he sort-of, kind-of swallowed a beer keg during a drunken night? Eh, it happens.

I'd still hit it. Sometimes luscious bellies come in handy when you're riding the peen express. It gives you a place to rest on your arms when you get too tired! It's like a built-in armrest!

Papa Joe won't be spending his afternoon in a bubble bath with his Crazy Daisy Love Doll like usual, because he'll be too busy begging Nick Lachey to get back together with Jessica Simpson so they can shoot another reality show together called Newlyweds: Once More With Feeling. Papa Joe knows that Jessica will have to find another way of staying relevant now that Tony Romo has dumped her ass after almost two years together.

A source said that Tony pink-slipped Jessica the night before her birfday. I guess that's one way of getting out of buying her ass a present.

Jessica was planning a Barbie and Ken-themed party for her birthday (and there's the reason why Tony quit her ass), but canceled it. The source went on to say, "She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."

Jessica took a break from drowning her sorrows in sheet cake (Jennifer Aniston already ate the country's supply of packaged cookie dough), to Twitter a little bit. Last night, she wrote: "Everyone needs to know that hope floats...grab the strings and pull it back to you." A few hours later, she added: "Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please lord give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace."

What she really meant is: PLEASE LORD GET ME THE COVER OF PEOPLE THIS WEEK!