BEHOLD! Grab a raw chicken cutlet and worship the hardest working seat warmer in the game. International supermodel and the star of Colonel Sanders' wet dreams Phoebe Price was the epitome of elegance and grace at the Emmys tonight in a ravishing clearance section gown from Victoria's Secrets Clash of the Titans collection.

If there was a sudden gust of wind, we'd really see where the red fern grows. Seriously, that dress is really close to showing Chicken Cutlet's Morris the cat! Thinking about it is giving me heart palpitations. Throw a little Lawry's seasoned salt at me!

They don't even need to bother with going on with the rest of the show, because this is the ONLY moment any of us cared about (I'll blow weed smoke in your face if you agree with me). I mean, look at the second thumbnail. The Emmys golden angel is turning her back and is about to go home, because she knows she cannot compete with the poultry goddess that is Phoebe Price!

It's Emmy Awards time which is my cue to make a giant pitcher of Andre, Red Bull and Strawberry Hill! I'm going to need that shit to get through 10-hours of hos in boring dresses making Kanye jokes. Seriously, you know every bitch that wins is going to say something like, "I hope Kanye doesn't mic block me." I hope he does! Actually, I hope he's Miss Emmy, so he can snatch mics, wigs, awards, Sookeh's ear-killing Southern accent and Katherine Hagel's new baby.

Alien Princess RiRi stepped out in the streets of NYC looking like...well...like she was working the streets of NYC in one of Vanity's old outfits.

Don't laugh at this ho, because you know you were wearing the exact same thing this morning as you did the walk of pride (formerly the walk of shame) from your fuck friend's house. And you weren't fooling anyone by trying to make your ensemble look less slutty with your trick's white shirt over it. Because nothing says "my coochie smells like sex" like a men's white butt-down shirt over a bustier. Hotness.

Last month, it was reported that Chelsea Handler quit her boyfriend/boss Ted Harbert. The story went that Chelsea put his ass on the curb and he was forced to live in a hotel. Ted probably poked Chelsea in the wrong hole and bitch wasn't having it. You know how that goes. Well, apparently Ted has done right again by Chelsea's pikachu, because the two were spotted being all couple-like at the Borgota in Atlantic City.

Chelsea was there to perform three shows and Ted was seen in the audience at one of them. A source told Page Six that they shared a room together and were even seen eating in public (ESCANDALO), "They were inseparable and did everything together." EVERYTHING? Well, they must be in love again if they are going caca times and barfing up last night's vodka together.

This is good news since I was afraid that Ted might fire Chelsea from E! the way she fired him from her vagina. Because if Chelsea's show was off of E!, they would total give Kourtney Kardashian her own talk show and that would make all of our Tivos commit mass suicide.

A 23-year-old dude was trying to rob a bank in Wisconsin when a vigilante pepaw came out of nowhere and tackled his thieving ass to the ground! All together now: PEPAWS ARE NOT THE ONE!

You know that robber strolled into the bank, noticed the pepaw and thought to himself, "Pfft. That grandpa ain't going to do shit." Well, guess what, bitch got owned by an oldie! Dude was trying to do hood rat stuff, but that old man wasn't going to allow that to happen. Beware of flying pepaws!

Yes, grandpa probably broke his hip and crushed the caramel squares he had in his pocket, but fighting criminals is in his blood so he couldn't help himself.

The best part is when a memaw opens her own can of whoopass (smells like Ovaltine and Icy Hot) on the robber by kicking him while he's down. Somebody give these old crime-fighting bitches their own show!

VIA Buzzfeed

Nothings warms the soul like a home cooked meal from your mother. Or in Kerry Katona's case, nothing gives you the tingles like a home COKED meal of the bad shit from mom. The News of the World claims that Kerry's gorgeous mum (I'm speaking British!), Sue Katona, sold her cocaine about two months before the video of her snorting the bad shit was released.

This isn't that shocking since Saggy Sue, who probably stashes the coke in her cornucopia of chins, grabbed her daughter's hand at the age of 14 and introduced her to the world of meth. A mother's love knows no bounds!

A source-type said that Kerry gets the bad shit from wherever she can including her own mother. One time, Kerry sent her friend to pick up a little cokey goodness from her mother. Kerry's 1-year-old son Maxwell also came along for the ride. The source went on to say, "Kerry's mate flounced in the house with baby Maxwell in her arms. She asked Sue if she had 'the stuff'. It was like it was the most normal thing in the world for her to pick up drugs for Kerry. As she shoved it in her bag, one of Sue's friends said she should place the wraps in different parts of the car in case she was pulled over by the police. "

Aw. Doesn't this warm your dead heart just a bit? I mean, when Kerry is overdosing and foaming at the mouth, Sue probably wipes her face and sings her a sweet lullaby while feeding her Valium to calm her down. White Oprah better step up her game, because Sue Katona is a shoo-in for Mother/Dealer of the CENTURY!

(Images: Splash, Big Pictures)

Jaila Simms - The glamorous trannygirl singer with a voice that waxes off Diddy's pubes (in a good way) from MTV's Making His Band. On the season of the Making The Band, Diddy is looking for back-up singers for his new album/tour/etc. and Jaila is in the running.

Not only can Jaila blow like one of Aretha Franklin's nipples (again, a good thing), but she can also shank in the throat you with words if need be. Below is a scene where Jaila proves that she is not the one eff with, because she will win every time. Shit, even though her hair situation isn't in check, she still wins!

(For Ebony)

Sophia Loren (75)
Asia Argento (34)
Moon Bloodgood (34)
Michelle Visage (39)
Kristen Johnston (42)
Gunnar and Matthew Nelson (42)
Maggie Cheung (45)
Gary Cole (53)
Debbie Morgan (53)
Anne Meara (80)

It's the season of swollen everything, so I wouldn't be surprised if Anna Kournikova is knocked up with Enrique Iglesias' baby. Fertile cum is in the air! The New York Daily News claims that Anna didn't participate in the Malibu Triathlon last week, because she's got a 2-month-old fetus hanging out in her body.

Yes, they are still together after all these centuries. I know, I had to Google it for proof.

I know Enrique got his mole chewed off a while ago, but I hope his baby inherits it. Because let's be real, we need more mole babies.

VIA Showbiz Spy

At yesterday's Values Voters conference in DC, reporters from both MSNBC (above) and Fox News (below) were told to shut their gaping whore mouths because the audience couldn't hear the speakers. And they were so damn polite about it too! No punches were thrown, NO MICS WERE SNATCHED (nod to Kanye) and no children were hurt.

If this was an abuelita convention, chanklas would be up asses, wire hangers would be flying across the room and bitches would have knots in their heads. Seriously, if I ever interrupted my abuelita's favorite novela (SPOILER ALERT: Carrusel), I'd get a slap in the mouth. And she'd wear all her biggest rings too.

I mean, look at Mumble McMumbles below. He's trying to shush up the Fox News reporter, but I can't understand a word he's saying. If I was the reporter, I'd be really confused and just tell the dude I'll have the veal with a glass of Merlot. Mumbles belongs in a Twin Peaks episode.