The Sun says that international fashion icon Suri Cruise has signed (or scribbled) a $2.3 million deal to start her own fashion line for children called Suri. Since this is coming from The Sun, then the chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of Tommy Girl twirling out of the Scientology closet and becoming a spokesperson for GLAAD and the head pharmaceutical rep for the makers of Prozac. But I wish this was made of organic truthiness.
The Sun says that Suri's fashion line will hit New York department stores first and if toddlers with their own credit cards buy it all up, the plan is put the line into department stores across the country. Some source (aka The Sun's intern who was forced to come into the office on a bank holiday) said, “Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes. She has been through a very difficult year and adapted amazingly to her new life in New York, including the upheaval of starting normal school. This is a nice hobby for her, it’s certainly not going to take over her life. Most girls dream of being able to make their own clothes, this just means her drawings will now become a reality. It’ll be interesting to see how it pans out, there’s nothing around quite like it.”
The world really, really does need a Suri Cruise fashion line. Suri has probably stopped trying to help Katie Holmes, because that homely, raggedy thing is a lost cause (see pictures of Katie Holmes looking like a homely, raggedy thing last month), but maybe she can help others be a more fashionable them. There are so many toddlers out there looking a damn mess. You don't know how many times I see a toddler out there in sweats, t-shirts, sneakers and normal kid clothes that every normal kid should wear and think to myself, "How could they crawl out of the house looking like that?"
So we really do need Suri to teach the children of the world how to dress. The Sun's article is fiction, but hopefully it turns into fact and Suri puts out a line of $500 kitten heels and daddy & me matching skinny jeans (in the same size!).
Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter is down in her studio, drooling out sketches of one-of-a-kind couture gowns for toddlers of the half percent. Making off-the-rack clothes for kids is so GAUCHE!
Phoebe Price's team of high-powered lawyers are filing a trademark-infringement lawsuit against American Vogue right now for calling Kate Upton the "hottest supermodel on Earth." Hell, I think Earth is going to also sue Vogue for slander, because this is a lie and this is how fraudulent rumors get started! But other than that, I like the cover, but only because Kate's brows look like a delicious Sunday afternoon snack.
Those brows look like two trays of seven-layer dip. She's got them frijoles brows. Underneath that thick layer of baked refried beans are layers of cheese, guacamole, salsa, sour cream and another layer of refried beans. I just want to stick a tortilla chip in them.
But now that I look at them closer... They're so thick that they kind of look like dog poop brows. Ugh. Put the tortilla chips away. Why do my eyes and trash brain have to ruin everything?
For the next few weeks, The Betty Ford Center will be known as the halfway house for Charlie Sheen's down-and-out hos, because two members of his crackubine harem are drying out in there.
After Brooke Mueller's twins were taken out of her home and given to Denise Richards, she checked herself into rehab to deal with an addiction to prescription pills (that's what her rep, yes she has one, says anyway). TMZ says that Brooke is trying to get clean in Betty Ford, the same place where Lindsay Lohan is staying for the next few weeks (or until she drives every member of the staff crazy and they become crackheads themselves and set her free).
TMZ's source says that Brooke and LiLo are staying in the hospital wing of Betty Ford and have already bumped into each other. I think the source meant "did bumps together," but I'm not sure.
This could end one of two ways: Brooke and LiLo could join forces, rally up the other patients, raid the locked medicine cabinet and burn Betty Ford's legacy down to the ground. It'd sort of be like Crackhead of the Flies. Or maybe Brooke and LiLo will look at each other's methed-out faces and think to themselves, "Gross, I don't want to be THAT messy," and sober up. If that happens, the Southern California drug industry will be on the verge of collapsing and sad Charlie Sheen will miserably walk the streets while holding a sign that reads, "Save the Coke Industry! Snort A Line Today!"
PRINCE HOT GINGE HAS COME (and so have all of us) TO AMERICA! The American air is now infused with royal gingerness, so breathe it in.
Prince Hot Ginge is in the US for 8 days, which means we can all expect to see pictures of him sunbathing naked on the White House lawn with Joe Biden, doing body shots off of John Boehner with Helen Thomas and being the freckled meat in an Obama freak dance sandwich on the dance floor. But before he does all that, PHG is doing some serious charity work stuff. For part of his first day in DC yesterday, he spent time with kids of military families at an even horning military mothers.
Yeah, PHG loves the chirrun and the chirrun love him. He's like SpongeBob SquarePants if SpongeBob SquarePants had the face of a ginger adonis, hair like Zeus' pubes and took his pants off every time he got drunk on vodka. A reader sent me these pictures and was like, "I love a ginger who's great with kids." I love a man who is great with kids too. If I wanted kids, I'd find a man who loved kids, because then his ass can deal them while I get drunk by myself in the other room.
Another reason to love PHG.
But more importantly, why didn't they paint the White House ginger to honor this important historic occasion?!
Donald Trump was forced to drop his lawsuit when photos of his biological parents emerged. - H321
Go to Australia, they said. The hot little natives there will be jumping all over your crotch, they said. - ImpertinentVixen
Abandon me in Germany? Look at me now bitch! - daisy100
Farrah, thought the money was going to your child's education? Not on a topless beach vacay in St Tropez. - El Bastardo
The Air Curler, because curling your hair with a regular curling iron is hard!
The Air Curler is a real product that a real company makes and if you want your hair to look like a tangled mop of frizziness (aka like you got attacked by a flock of birds during an electrical storm), then pull out your credit card, because this shit is for you. Or you can just do what they do in this commercial. Put your hair in the Air Curler, spin it around for about 2 seconds, take it out, curl it with a regular curling iron, put it back into the Air Curler and prepare to be amazed by the Air Curler's air curling magic!
But you know what the Air Curler is really good for? For fapping with practically zero clean-up. If you're a dude, just cover the Air Curler's hole with some Plastic Wrap, stick your peen in there and blow away without worrying about cleaning up afterward. You can put the cum rag away when you've got an Air Fapper!
(Thanks, Dr. Jennifer)
Missy Franklin (18)
Lauren Potter (23)
Odette Annable (28)
Kenan Thompson (35)
Todd Lowe (36)
Andrea Anders (38)
Helio Castroneves (38)
Leslie Stefanson (42)
Dallas Roberts (43)
Erik Palladino (45)
Young MC (46)
Linda Evangelista (48)
Lisa Nowak (50)
Victoria Rowell (54)
Paige O'Hara (57)
Miuccia Prada (64)
Barbara Taylor Bradford (80)
....And sexing herself up in a barn with chandeliers (????) in it.
Mimi and a cockatoo with a wave perm named Miguel released the video for their song #Beautiful (yes, the hashtag is part of the damn title) tonight and it's classic Mimi. Mimi swats away flies while dry fapping on a bike and then she strip dances for Miguel in a fancy barn. When Mimi strip dances, she looks like a drunken calf trying to walk for the first time. The entire video kind of looks like a commercial for Crystal Light's new line of mixes with ecstasy in them. Oh, Mimi, never stop acting like the horny butterfly you are.
Those of us who regularly fill ourselves up with the good shit smoke should be disappointed in ourselves for not coming up with this first. From the brilliant mind Ryan McHenry comes these Vines of Ryan Gosling refusing to eat cereal. I just.... I don't even know what to say.... I'm so glad people have time for shit like this. There's a lot more after the cut. These are best viewed after you've smoked a bowl or twenty. Actually, don't do that, because then you might get the urge to try to eat that spoonful of Corn Pops. GO!
Yesterday, The Wrap posted a story about how FOX is planning to take a giant Magic Eraser to American Idol and get rid of everything except the title and Ryan Semencrest. FOX apparently wants to drop Randy Jackson, Nicki Minaj, Mimi, Keith Urban and Idol's executive producer Nygel Lythgoe into the trash and start all over again. If The Wrap is right, then FOX is one pink slip closer to completing its plan, because they have muzzled the dawg pound.
Randy Jackson told E! that he's taking his final bow this season and won't be back next season:
"Yo! Yo! Yo! To put all of the speculation to the rest, after 12 years of judging on American Idol I have decided it is time to leave after this season."
"I have to decided it is time to leave..." Yes, let's just pretend like Randy Jackson's the one who packed up all his shit and left on his own, and the producers didn't put his water and food bowl outside of the exit door to let him know that he can move on now. Now you know he got fired. I'm sure Idol will replace him with a Randy Jackson soundboard that will spit out lines like "Yo yo, dawg, that was pitchy, dawg" at the touch of a button. But whatever....
Now Randy Jackson can FINALLY go back to Journey.