If you've ever wanted to go to the Met Gala, you're crazy. But if you're going to go, go next year, because it's going to be GOOP-free! Goopy Paltrow told USA Today in so many words that she'd rather smoke non-organic crack out of a Dollar Tree crack pipe while giving herself a Mountain Dew enema on a pile of t-shirts from The Gap than go to the Met Gala again. Goopy barfed out this crap nugget:
"I'm never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all."
Since I write about Goopy nearly every second of the damn day, I practically speak fluent GOOP. What she's really saying is, "I'm totally going next year, because that low-rent event needs me and I can write it off as charity. It was so bougie. The bougie sweat so much and I refused to breathe, because I didn't want to inhale their nasty bougie sweat fumes! There was so much trash there too! For a second I thought they invited my weekend maid, but then she told me her name was Minka Kelly and that's not my weekend maid's name. The only time I enjoyed myself was when my sister from another mister, Beyonce, and I sat on this abandoned, lumpy sofa and made fun of all the poors in off-the-rack dresses."
Being a supermodel and ho stroll icon is hard work and extremely exhausting. Every night before bed when Phoebe Price takes out her chicken cutlet cheeks and puts them in a vacuum-sealed freezer bag for maximum freshness, she prays that the gods above will gift her with more time in the day so she can do everything she needs to do. This is PP's average day:
Pick out the perfect ho stroll outfit (that takes 6 hours)
Plump up her cheeks with a quick hormone injection (25 minutes)
Text a meeting place to the paparazzi (30 seconds)
Drive to paparazzi meeting spot on the ho stroll (4 hours, it's only 9 miles away, but this is L.A.)
Wait for them to show up (2 hours)
Text them again (30 seconds)
Wait for them to show up (3 hours)
Text them again and this time promise a $5 Starbucks gift card (30 seconds)
Wait for them to show up (2 hours)
Give them the $5 Starbucks gift card when they show up (3 seconds)
POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! (3 minutes)
Drive back home (4 hours)
Bedazzle a bunch of hats while personally answering fan mail (6 hours)
I just totaled all that up and that's more than 27 hours. How does she do it? And on top of that, she has to take care of her dog Henry? So THANK GOD Phoebe Price got a nanny who can now push Henry Price around in a stroller and give her some much-needed relief. Henry Price's nanny isn't throwing a downcast side-eye, because she thinks this whole thing is a mess. She's throwing a downcast side-eye, because she's grateful that she can help such a hard-working supermodel.
98 Degrees were on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote their new album and Andy Cohen brought up The Simpsons (the crazy family of crazies, not the cartoons) during a game of Plead The Fifth. The sneaky Siamese Cat in a tie asked the buff bull frog what's the best thing about not having Papa Joe as a father-in-law anymore. Nick Lachey twisted around on that question a bit before Drew Lachey shouted out, "EVERYTHING!" Then the memory bubble above Nick Lachey's head filled with images of Simpson hands on his ass when he said this:
"The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore is that I don't have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday anymore."
Okay, I'm interpreting that two ways:
1. Papa Joe was such a devout Christian pastor (HAHAHAHAHAHAH) that he wouldn't allow any public displays of affection in front of his good Christian eyes, so Nick and Jessica had to grab at each other's parts on the down low.
2. Papa Joe squeezed the ripest parts of Nick's ass while blessing the food.
I thought it was #1, but then when I watched the clip below and I figured it was #2. If that's the case, why in the hell did he stay in that family for so long? If I'm sitting there eating my delicious glazed ham and I feel the hand of a creepy holy man touching my hams while throwing me a wink, that's my cue to drop my fork, ask for a to-go plate and get the hell out of there. Or I'd take my plate and eat out on the curb, across the street while wearing butt armor.
I'm still confused, so I'm just going to say that Jessica squeezed one of Nick's ass cheeks while Papa Joe squeezed the other....and now I'm disturbed.
Shape Magazine might've gone all-out Photoshop crazy on this picture of Brit Brit, but I'm glad that they didn't go so wild that they accidentally erased the relic from 1999 dangling from her belly button. Because to me, that dangling rhinestone ring looks like diamond tear drops trickling out of an angel's b-hole - Drunken Stepfather
Somebody tell Leonardo DiCatchAHo that Django Unchained stopped filming a long time ago. He can shave the plantation villain beard off now - Lainey Gossip
Pictures of Megan Fox jumping on a trampoline in leggings are the reason why thousands of fan boys haven't left their rooms all day - Hollywood Tuna
Magazines are really running out of made up lists to make up - Celebitchy
And here's Oprah slapping a trick down in the trailer for The Butler - Towleroad
CHICHI FIGHT! - The Superficial
Either Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are beating down Sacha Baron Cohen or this is the most bizarre threesome I've seen in a while - The Berry
Blake Lively pulls out her best sexy face, looks like she's stoned and smelling a fart while doing so... - Popoholic
I'm mad that the pilot and the crew didn't skydive out of the jet and leave Fist Brown on board - IDLYITW
What Riccardo Tisci is trying to say is that he's very happy that he got to get revenge on Kim Kardashian for screwing with his man by fugging her up even more - ICYDK
American hero Charles Ramsey went to prison ten years ago for beating his then wife a bunch of times. And so it begins.... - Jezebel
Zac Efron, pull that stunt hair off your chest and stop acting like you can naturally grow fur - Popsugar
Bubble Butt Kroy cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Kim Zolciak - Reality Tea
You know that goddess who cursed you out when you refused to take your purse off the subway seat next to you? It was Mrs. Rojo - HuffPo
The Jolly Green Ukrainian Giant is serving up some DEEEEEEEEEEEERP on his face - Just Jared
Animals riding bareback-style (not a Teen Mom Farrah post) - OMG Blog
Miss Universe has nipples and here they are - Celebslam
John Krasinski wants to make love to Jimmy Fallon - SOW
The Hemsworth Brothers really don't want to be related to the Cyrus family - I'm Not Obsessed
If you happen to see a head covered in a helmet of blond hair flying by your window, it's just Nancy Grace! Nancy's head exploded, because Jodi Arias was found guilty of first-degree murder today. Who is Nancy Grace going to scream at now? I was going to say Ariel Castro, but he's not a pretty white girl, so Nancy Grace will have to keep trolling the police scanners for the next object of her shrieking.
While wearing a child's ballerina dress as a top and exquisitely crafted jean panties usually seen on a low-level lot lizard, Courtney Stodden slithered into Kitson Kids in West Hollywood yesterday, because the children really needed a lesson in what elegance and demurity (I don't know if that's a word, but that's never stopped me before) truly is. While there, the porn iguana also bought herself a new pair of children's shorts and a few stuffed animals to shove into her padded bra, because she wasn't stuffed enough.
And the only person besides me who's more confused about Courtney Stodden needing a bodyguard is her bodyguard.
Dim all the lights in Genoa City, because the matriarch of The Young and the Restless and soap opera legend, Jeanne Cooper, died today at the age of 84. Jeanne has been sick in a bad way recently and was in out of the hospital. No cause of death was given. Jeanne's son, Corbin Bernsen of L.A. Law, said on Facebook today that his sister was at her side when their mother floated off to heaven.
Wasn't sure how I would have to say these words so I opt for simplicity at least to begin...
My mother passed away this morning just a short time ago, peaceful with my sister by her side, in her sleep. I was going to visit this afternoon, thought I had time. Reminder to self - time is a precious thing. I too am at peace however. I said my goodbyes several times over during the last few weeks. I'll go one last time now for a gentle kiss a final farewell for this lifetime. She has been a blaze her entire life, that beacon, that boxer I spoke of earlier. She went the full twelve rounds and by unanimous decision... won! And while her light finally gave into the wind that gives flight to all our journeys, there will always be a glimmer left behind by what she stood for. I will speak about that more in coming days, months I suppose.
I will certainly dedicate what remains of my life to continue her purpose of honesty, equality, humility, empathy and love. So many of you have said your prayers for her and right now, today, I can say the best way to honor her is to inhabit your lives with those things she stood for. I would ask that closer friends respectfully give us some time to find our family's path in this transition, and please limit calls, emails and the rest for a couple of days. As always, your outpouring of love here on this page, is not only welcomed to continue but truly appreciated and comforting. I asked my sister what time she passed exactly, and she told me (not to important for public record) but I was working out and just happened to pick out a song for my final moments on the treadmill - "Everlasting Light" by the Black Keys. Oh what a wonder it all is... what a magnificence!
Jeanne Cooper started playing Katherine Chancellor on Y&R in 1973 and she never stopped. She won a Daytime Emmy for Lead Actress in 2008 and received a Lifetime Achievement Award in 2004.
Rest in peace, Mrs. Chancellor... We'll all honor your memory today by barging into the office of that (really hot) tramp Jill Abbott #1:
And we'll continue to honor your memory by slapping down that bitch Jill Abbott #3:
(Pic via Gina Colombo)
Either Tiger Woods is tripping so hard that his eyeballs are trying to jump out of his body, or that dude behind him is giving him the shocker, or he got nervous while realizing that it's been exactly 4 hours since he's stuck his wandering peen into a trick who isn't his girlfriend.
Awkward couple Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn went to the Met Gala together on Monday, because the real theme of the night was awkwardness (see: Kim and Kanye, Kristen Stewart and 90% of the dresses there), so they could be openly awkward among all the awkwardness. Tiger Woods somehow made it through the Met Gala without massaging his face against the ass cheeks of every cocktail server who walked by him. But UsWeekly says that at a Met Gala after-party at the Boom Boom Room in The Standard Hotel, Tiger got wonk-eyed drunk, fell on some stairs and embarrassed Lindsey Vonn.
Some witness type said that Tiger looked uncomfortable at the party and what do most people do when they're uncomfortable at a party? Get plastered! Tiger drank the booze up and when it came time to leave, his drunk ass fell while walking up some stairs. Tiger Woods sat there for a second until Lindsey clenched her teeth, pulled him and helped him to the car.
Drunkenly falling on some stairs at a dumb party is the least embarrassing thing Tiger Woods has ever done. But I'm sure Lindsey Vonn always look embarrassed. That's just what her face naturally looks like now. Your boyfriend calling you "Elin" during fuck times and your boyfriend coming home smelling like banana cream pie from Perkins and random snatch will cause your face to get stuck in the embarrassed position.
This week's issue of UsWeekly must be their annual comedy issue and I'm guessing they let Pimp Mama Kris guest edit it, because this is even more hilarious than Mrs. Doubtfire shading Kim Karcouchian on Twitter.
Over a week ago, the Kartrashian family wanted to spend some quality time in the sun with their favorite things in the world, the cameras, so they shot a vacation episode of Throwing Up with the Kartrashians in Greece. Sadly, Poseidon didn't return to Greece to spin a whirlpool under the Kardashian's yacht, sending them back to Hades, but something good did come out of their tip to Greece. I'm talking about this cover.
Ever since PMK's future money maker started growing and growing and growing in Kim's womb, some have said that she's looking like a sausage trying to escape out of its casing and that's mainly because of the ridiculous crap that Kanye throws on her body. So Kim ripped off the leather dresses and showed the haters her knocked up body. I'm all for a fame whore freeing her body of the leather sausage casing that binds her, but that picture should have the words "The Brothers Grimm Presents..." over it, because that body is a fairy tale. If you're going to show it, show it.
But in PMK's defense, if Photoshop wasn't involved in the making of that cover, then she'd lose her title as the master of fakery.
If you looked at the picture on the left and though to yourself, "Mmmmm, those tortilla chips on the floor look delicious," then you and me are the same and we're both disgusting because eating tortilla chips off the floor is nasty. If you looked at the picture on the left again and thought to yourself, "Now, that is the face of a scheming, gold digging whore pit viper," then you're right!
The beautiful bride on the left is Reese Witherspoon's stepmother Tricianne Taylor (no lie, Tricianne is a hot name) and she married John Witherspoon last year when he was still married to Reese's mother Betty Witherspoon. Shortly after the wedding, Betty sued both Tricianne and John for bigamy. John has early-onset dementia and claimed that he doesn't even know Tricianne and doesn't remember marrying her. John and Tricianne are still married and even though she's never met Reese Witherspoon, she's still scooting skid marks all over Laura Jeanne Poon's image for a quick check.
Tricianne tells The National Enquirer (via Radar) that she's not exactly surprised that Reese was a disrespectful twat to a cop, because she's treated her own father the same way. As Tricianne counted the crisp one hundred dollar bills that the Enquirer gave her, she said that Reese was such a bitch to John that he almost didn't walk his daughter down the aisle.
"She was so awful and disrespectful to her father. Reese shows very little respect to her father, and he’s been ostracized by her because she’s so angry that he married me. Based on Reese’s behavior in those police videos following her recent arrest, I believe she has a serious drinking problem and needs to get professional help."
The Enquirer adds that Trashy Anne Taylor wants $100,000 to expose all of Reese's secrets.
See, this is how I know that there's something really wrong with me. Trashy Anne sounds like a conniving, money-grubbing whore leech and John Witherspoon should've channeled Nancy Sinatra and put on those white boots to walk, far, far away from her, but I'm still reading her words and thinking to myself, "She's kind of hot." Trashy Anne is shameless, crazy and an overall mess. She's just my type.
But seriously, I love how she's diagnosing Reese even though she's never met her. I've never met Reese before and I've called her crazy, but I've never said she needs to go to rehab. But if that's what it takes to get a quick stack of hundreds from the Enquirer, then let me be the second to say: I've never met Reese Witherspoon, but she needs help!