Answer: Did I even need to ask?
New York's Department of Fish and Wildlife rushed to the Met last night, because they received dozens of panicked calls from people who were horrified to see a traumatized chipmunk struggling to get out of a net after getting viciously attacked by a porcupine. Oh, but it was just Miley being punk rock.
Most people probably didn't recognize Miley Cyrus at the Met Gala last night, because her ass cheeks weren't hanging out and because that electrocuted hair made everyone think she was that dude from Sum 41 (the one who was married to Avril Lavigne), so they just walked on by. Perfect disguise, Miley!
And here's even more pictures from last night. Basically, any trick in a borrowed dress could get in. My family gatherings have a stricter guest list than this shit had. In order: Messy Miley, the ghost of a homeless bridge urchin from the 1920s, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Katie Holmes (whose sheet dress can be used as an escape rope just in case the Scientologists come after her when she's on the second floor) Derek Hough in ballerina drag, Swifty, a Vulcan priestess (aka Coco Rocha), Linda Evangelista (who REALLY wants a role in Games of Thrones), Tiger Woods with a blonde who will hate him in a few months, Chelsea Clinton, Rooney Mara, the leader of a cult of hippie trolls, Tom Brady with Gis and Zachary Quinto (looking like Duckie from the Pretty in Pink after he got a job in Prince's band).
Somewhere in Reno, NV, a casino is missing most of its carpet, because Beyonce wore it last night to the Met Gala in NYC. Beyonce was one of the last to show up, so the stairs were pretty much clear for the empress of her own world to glide to the top while looking like the Hot Wheels logo and Ed Hardy's bowels exploded all over her. This baroque ass mess looks like it fell out of House of Dereon's b-hole, but it was actually made by Givenchy who are also responsible for Kim Kartrashian's curb couch mess of a dress.
Beyonce got all of the attention for looking like a bedspread from Liberace's guest room, but all of the attention should've gone to her dedicated dandy-in-waiting. Ty Hunter is Beyonce's stylist and he followed her all around the red carpet and made sure the train on her train wreck of a dress was sprawled out perfectly. The Basquiat-looking beauty in sparkly pants has more restraint than I do, because he could've easily yanked that train a little too hard, but he held it together and let a less glamorous queen than him get all the attention. It's a damn shame, because he should be the one standing on top of the stairs like a regal bitch.
And Basement Baby was also there last night looking like Coffy in the Tropics.
Mama June's wedding reception met every expectation. - oryx
Stills from the Miley and Liam sex tape nobody needed. - cmclaughlin09
Even the most exotic people still have the same old pedestrian argument about should the toilet paper go over or under. - citizenstrange
via The Chive
Since he's the only thing anybody was talking about last night and I got more links to his now classic interview than spam emails from beautiful Ukrainian women in my inbox, you probably already know about American hero Charles Ramsey and I'm sure him saying "I'm eating my McDonald's" is already your ring tone.
Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight were kidnapped roughly 10 years ago and yesterday they were rescued from their kidnappers' house in Cleveland by neighbors including salsa and barbecue-loving Charles Ramsey. Charles ate ribs and listened to salsa music with his neighbor and had no idea the crazy dude was a kidnapper. Nobody can tell Charles' account of Amanda Berry's rescue better than Charles can, so here's the first interview he gave.
"I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl goes running into a black man's arms." If Charles Ramsey has more priceless gems like that stored up in his brain, then I'm going to need him to write the Gospel According to Charles Ramsey and a copy of it needs to be put in the back of every church pew.
After Charles spat out that line, the interview got a little too real for that reporter and he almost fell back the same way I fell back when first putting my eyes on Charles' glorious receding hairline mullet.
And since nobody can get enough of Charles Ramsey, here he is telling the story again to a different reporter:
And finally here's the 911 call, which starts with "I'm sitting on my porch eatin' my lil' food" and ends with "I bet she been kidnapped, so put yourself in her shoes," so you know it's already a classic.
Sylvia Browne, who has the psychic skills of a broken Magic 8-Ball, wrongly predicted Amanda Berry's death a long time ago, but even her dumb ass can predict that Charles Ramsey is going to be the newest auto-tune superstar.
Robin Strasser (68)
Alexander Ludwig (21)
Natalie Mejia (25)
Breckin Meyer (39)
Eagle Eye Cherry (42)
Traci Lords (45)
Michael E. Knight (54)
Ned Bellamy (56)
Peter Reckell (58)
Amy Heckerling (59)
Thelma Houston (67)
(Pic via Flickr)
As Baby Brahim looked at Madge's ass knowing full well that he'll have to lick virgin's blood off of those double mounds of roided-up muscle at the end of the night, she spread her legs and gave everyone a view of her memaw crotch at the Met Ball. This look is very "current day Anjelica Huston as a Hot Topic stripper" and she looks ridiculous, but it's still a million times more interesting than all the boring ass boring dresses that went down the red carpet. And the cross burning under her Illuminati puss was a nice touch.
But she should've left Baby Brahim with his nanny, because he looks like he's wearing a uniform from an all-girls private school run by Run DMC and that's not the look.
If your eyeballs haven't turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker's crotch ("I haven't even stared at the Crotch of Sauron" - Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night's theme of "punk" and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse's idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they'll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.
And here's pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn't try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn't try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn't try), JLo (didn't try, should've been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters.
Anne Hathaway irritates me as much as chewing on a ball of foil does, but at least she TRIED last night, which is way more than I can say about some of the bland, bottom of the barrel basic bitches who showed up at the Met Gala not knowing what the hell the theme was. I mean, some asshole said on the carpet, "Well, I'm wearing hot pink and that's kind of punk rock." (I'm looking at you, GOOPY!) Anne wore a Valentino gown from 1991 (which means it's grunge, which mean it's sort of kind of not really punk) and she said that she dipped her hair in bleach, because she wanted to give us some Debbie Harry. Um....
She was going for Debbie Harry, but she made a sharp right turn, bounced along a dirt road, crashed through the farm gates and hit right into Julia Roberts circa 1991. Just like Julia, she looks like the spawn of Sandy Duncan and a lame horse. I kind of it like it....
Anyway, here's some other blondes (natural, fake and everything in between) and white haired hos at the Met Gala.
Nicole Richie - Looking like a dusty piece of baby's breath that got burnt in the sun.
Dakota Fanning - Looking like the most wholesome girl at the prom who wants to look like the sluttiest girl at the prom.
Elle Fanning - I need to drop a lot of acid before I try to process this wreck. But Jerry Garcia approves!
Goopy Paltrow - You can lick the tip of this faded neon pink marker all you want, but it's done and needs to be thrown into the trash!
January Jones - Even though she looks like an albino, malnourished alien boy who shits through his eyes, she'll still try to take your man.
Nicki Minaj - Bitch should've worn that Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction wig over her face instead of on top of her head.
Sienna Miller - I think she's wearing a sadist's favorite pair of anal beads on her head and there's nothing more punk rock than that.
Stacy Kiebler - Looking like the day-shift cocktail waitress of a Mad Max-themed bar and grill in Arizona.
Uma Thurman - If the night's theme was look like a glamorous tulip leaf, she would've nailed it! And is that Penny Marshall taking pictures behind her?
Cameron Diaz - Why is this giving me Audrey Hepburn in Always vibes? I'm into that spiked belt, though. I hope that sometime during the night, she front hugged Goopy Paltrow REAL tight.
Blake NotSoLively - I should slap myself for uploading pictures of this WHO CARES.
Kanye West had to lick Anna Wintour's ass clean a thousand times to get that trash heap heffa Kim Kartrashian an invitation and this is what she wore. The theme of the night was "punk," because the Costume Institute's exhibit is Punk: From Chaos to Couture and I guess Kim thought that since she and Kanye are a couple of punk ass bitches they fit in with the theme perfectly!
I was watching the live feed of this mess, which was awkward comedy at its finest, and dumb ass Kim said that this was her idea of "punk." It's "romantic punk." BITCH, my chihuahua's swollen anal gland (I'm taking him to the groomer tomorrow, don't worry) is more punk rock than the floral vomit she wore tonight. They should've thrown a plastic cover over her, because this is someone's abuelita's sofa.
She looks like that dusty, lumpy sofa that had your grandma has had for years and decided to finally get rid of it. So your grandma, with the help of two neighborhood boys, puts it on the curb for the garbage men to take, but they never take it. It just sits there on the curb. The dogs pee on it, the birds crap on it and it gets even lumpier from the rain. After a few weeks, your grandma finally gives in and drags it back into her house and puts it in her backyard. The only thing missing from Kim's look is a grandma sitting on top of her.
Kanye's alleged fuck buddy Riccardo Tisci made this for Kim and I could blow a million air kisses at his taint. He knew what he was doing and he should get the Nobel Peace Prize in SHADE for doing it!
Wearing bikini bottoms from RuPaul's "If You Can't Love Yourself..." swimwear collection, Alanis Morissette showed Ryan Reynolds what he missed out on while on vacation with her family in Hawaii over the weekend. Blake NotSoLively, who? Chew all of this ass, Ryan.
When Alanis wasn't humping Souleye piggyback-style in the water, she was serving up some ass in "self-love" bikini bottoms. If those bikini bottoms said "self-loathe" and had an easy access zipper, I'd take seven!