Seen here yelling at dumb and rude New Yorkers who almost walked in front of the paparazzo's camera during their staged photo-op stroll, Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Aniston's ice pick nipples (perfect for when you need to crack open a block of ice for a vodka on the rocks) were in NYC over the weekend. People says that they went shopping for bikinis at Barney's and they drank martinis at Nobu. Riveting shit!

If Justin had a shaved head and carried a black plastic folder covered in anarchy sign stickers, he'd look like every wannabe skinhead at my junior high school. And I don't know if Jennifer Aniston looks like she's having a Chico's kind of day or looks like a come-to-life J. Jill catalog with nipples.

And Aniston's publicist owes her several round of martinis for lighting a match to the never-ending fart known as the pregnancy rumors by covering her stomach with that sweater thing. He trained her well!

On The View this morning, Barbara Walters announced that she will retire from television next summer and she'll never appear on a show full-time again, because she'll be too busy chasing virgins through the woods with Larry King. Now who's going to ask bitches what kind of tree they are? Now who's going to interrupt the other co-hosts on The View? Now who's going to tell us that Snooki is the most fascinating person of the year? Now who's going to get names wrong and lisp out some nonsensical crazy shit? Don't say Elisabeth Hasselcrack, because apparently she's leaving The View too.

As Marcia Cross breathed a sigh of relief over the fact that she won't see Barbara Walter's face on TV anymore, Babawawa said this about quitting the bitch that is TV:

“I have been on television continuously for over 50 years, but in the summer of 2014, a year from now, I plan to retire from appearing on television at all — it has been an absolutely joyful, rewarding, challenging, fascinating and occasionally bumpy ride. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m perfectly healthy, this is my decision, and I have been thinking about it for a long time. This is what i want to do. I will, however, continue as co-executive producer of The View with Bill Getty as long as the program is here. There will be special occasions that I will come back — I’m not walking into the sunset, but I don’t want to appear on another program, I don’t want to climb another mountain. I want instead to sit on a very sunny field and admire other women who will be taking my place and most of all, I want to thank everybody here. I’ve had an amazing career beyond anything I could ever imagined. And I hope I may inspire other women to make television. I smile when some young women say I grew up watching you on TV — it’s their time now. But remember, I have a whole year to go. We have exciting things planned for ABC News and The View and most of all, I want to say hi to all of you who have been watching me for so many years and you have traveled the same road that I have. I thank you, thank you, thank you.”

And Henry Kissinger better watch out, because Barbara now has the time to bone his glasses off. Break out the Astroglide!

via Hollywood Life 

Because I really wanted to build a utopian city shaped like a giant uncut dick, I downloaded the new SimCity the day it came out and immediately got a severe case of internal blue balls, because the server kept crashing and wouldn't let me build my dick-shaped utopian city! I scream, I cried, I questioned the existence of God and I punched my modem until I finally gave up and went outside to do something else. Yes, those SimCity whores drove me to go outside and breathe actual fresh air. They made me do the impossible. I'll never forgive them for that.

Unless Netflix builds an island of servers (I hope it's dick-shaped), I have a feeling that hos are going to meltdown the same way I melted down on SimCity day when the entire fourth season of Arrested Development comes out on Memorial Day weekend. If Netflix's servers crash and the Internet breaks, people will actually be outside on May 26th. It'll be so weird.

When Beyonce went to the Met Gala last week, some said that there was clearly a first trimester Tempur-Pedic baby bump underneath her dress. But I figured that since Beyonce wore a rug, she had a little bump under her belt, because she shoved a bottle of carpet cleaner, a hand-held vac and a lint roller in there. Well, now "music industry insiders" (read: Basement Baby's Campbell Soup phone finally got a clear connection) tell Page Six that Blue Ivy Carter better make some room in her 40,000 square foot nursery, because she's getting a roommate soon.

P6's sources say one of Jay-Z's camel sperms humped its way into one of Beyonce's ovary eggs and now she's got the third coming growing in her womb. Beyonce is currently twerking her lace front off all over Europe in her Mrs. Carter Show world tour. Beyonce's rep wouldn't open their mouths when Page Six asked for a comment.

I refuse to beylieve any of this until Beyonce shamelessly rubs her bump after performing at a second tier awards show. The Billboard Music Awards are this weekend... No, I'm sure Beyonce's baby announcement will be much more subtle this time around and by that I mean three extras dressed as Wise Men will carry her knocked up ass on a bed covered in golden hay through the streets as white smoke billows out of the House of Dereon's chimney. When Catholic abuelitas start fainting over the news that the second reincarnation of Jesus will be here soon, then we'll really know that Beyonce is knocked up.

Meals on Wheels: Zombie Apocalypse Edition - Sweetas

Runners-up:

Pro tip: ALWAYS use a professional escort to fulfill your "UPS Man" fantasy, otherwise you'll get what you pay for. - Furry-Hunk-Of-Man-Beef

When she heard "$2000 for anything you can push, pull, or drag in!" it was as if her prayers had been answered. - GingeMinge

via Break

Dawn Meehan's missing teeth gap, which made its appearance during the final tribal council of last night's season finale of Survivor: Caramoan!

For those of you who didn't watch Survivor this season and are probably thinking to yourself, "SURVIVOR IS STILL ON?!" let me give your ass the backstory for as to why Dawn served up some excited bulldog realness last night. During the season, Dawn, who had a meltdown over everything, lost her fake teeth in the water and had a breakdown. Dawn never told anyone that she wore fake teeth, because she was embarrassed and didn't want anyone to see her looking like a non-cute vampire kitten. (Note: One of my teeth in the front never grew in and before I got a bridge, I wore a retainer with a fake toof on it, so I sort of feel her pain.) Now, if I was Dawn, I would've just made some teeth out of a coconut, stuck them in and called it a day. But Dawn threatened to quit the game if she didn't get her teefs back.

So Dawn's alliance mate Brenda put on a snorkel, got in the water and found her teeth. Dawn didn't have to quit the game and she owed it all to Brenda. Cut to a few episodes later when Dawn betrayed Brenda by voting her teeth savior out.

Dawn, the secret love child of Kate Gosselin and Don Knotts, made the final three and during the last tribal council, Brenda got her revenge. Brenda told Dawn that she would've quit the game if she never got her teeth back and she wouldn't be sitting in the final 3. So Brenda asked Dawn to take her teeth out in front of everyone. Dawn could've easily showed Brenda two middle fingers instead, but being that close to a million dollars will make a crying bitch do some crazy things. Dawn pulled out her teeth and gave us the image above.

Brenda is oh-so-wrong, but oh-so-right for that. And now the image of Dawn looking like a hillbilly Gollum will forever live in my brain.

(Pic via Tumblr)

Robert Pattinson (27)
Debby Ryan (20)
Candice Accola (26)
Hunter Parrish (26)
Lena Dunham (27)
Samantha Morton (36)
Tommy Gunn (46)
Alison Goldfrapp (47)
Darius Rucker (47)
Stephen Colbert (49)
Dennis Rodman (52)
Alan Ball (56)
Stevie Wonder (63)
Zoe Wanamaker (64)
Armistead Maupin (69)
Harvey Keitel (74)
Beatrice Arthur (immortal angel)

Blonde.... hairy... sturdy... and built for multiple wild rides... Alex Rodriguex just fell in love.

Billionaire owner of everything Richard Branson and billionaire owner of everything Tony Fernandes made a little bet in 2010. Since both of them are owners of an airline and a Formula One racing team, they bet that whoever's F1 team loses to the other has to serve as a flight attendant on the winner's airline. Richard Branson lost, so today, the men all paused when he walked onto an AirAsia plane to serve drinks on a flight from Perth to Kuala Lumpur.

While firmly tucked and puckered up, Richard served drinks, handed out meals and made announcements. Yahoo! says that the flight also helped raise money for an Australian charity for hospitalized children. Tony Fernandes told reporters that Miss Richard's flight attendant skills get a 1 out of 10 and Miss Richard said that he can't wait to get into his regular clothes.

"[I'm] glad to have gotten the bet over with and (am) looking forward to getting back into my clothes. I always wanted to be an air hostess, but it looks like I have to get back to normality.

Uh huh.... Richard Branson is really trying to make us believe that he didn't join the Mile High Club with his own reflection in the lavatory. You know he was all up on himself. You know his tuck came undone when he spilled his juice all over Tony. He loves it.

But seriously, Richard should always wear his hair like that, because it is the look.

NBC announced today that when Jimmy Fallon takes over The Tonight Show from Jay Leno, Seth Meyers will slide into Jimmy's spot as the host of Late Night. Yeah, typing that made me picture Seth sliding into Jimmy's spot and I don't know how I feel about that image.

Because what late night really needs is more white men, Seth will take over Late Night next spring and Lorne Michaels will executive produce. Here's what the head bitch at NBC had to say about this:

“We think Seth is one of the brightest, most insightful comedy writers and performers of his generation. His years at SNL‘s Weekend Update desk, not to mention being head writer of the show for many seasons, helped him hone a topical brand of comedy that is perfect for the Late Night franchise”.

Charles Ramsey, Tan Mom and Sweet Brown were all ROBBED! Since Up All Night was finally thrown into the dead pile, I was hoping that Maya Rudolph as Ava would host Late Night... Oh well, hopefully this means that Stefan will finally take over Weekend Update. It's his destiny.

In the fame whore dictionary, the definition of "recluse" is totally different than the definition in the dictionary all of us use. Because Kim Kartrashian thinks that a "recluse" is a shameless 24-hour spotlight fucker who spends more time in front of a camera than behind a camera, gives the paps several servings of her knocked up kamel toe daily and poses in a bikini for the cover of Recluse Weekly (known to you and me as UsWeekly). Kim tells the UK's Fabulous Magazine (via HuffPo) that ever since Gay Fish's sperm fish were turkey basted up into her baby making parts, she has become even more of a recluse. Well, you can't say the word "recluse" without saying "wreck" and "loose," so the heffa might have a point.

"I'm definitely more of a recluse since I was pregnant. But I haven't necessarily decided to hold myself back, it's just preparing myself for respecting the privacy of my child and my boyfriend.

There goes Kim throwing out words she doesn't know the true meaning of! Ho wouldn't know "respect" or "privacy" if they were both shaped like a boomerang and tapped her on the ass cheeks in a straight-to-Vivid sex tape. Kim then goes on to say some stuff that makes me think that her and Kanyetta West's contract is coming to an end soon.

"We live different lives, but I love being open. That's who I've always been. That will never change because that is who I am."

Yes, Kim, we've seen you be all open around Ray-J's crooked crowbar dick, so we know how open you are. It made you a STAH! And really, Kim is just setting up her inevitable split from Kanye. We all know how this is going to go. Pimp Mama Kris is going to get even more tabloid covers and non-stop coverage on TMZ by turning this into an all-out kustody battle. PMK will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because she needs a new generation of Kardashians to whore out. Kanye will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because he needs a baby to dress up in Givenchy leather skirts and he'll need a friend to play with when he moves to the French countryside with his lovah. It'll be like Kramer vs. Kramer if both Kramers were shameless whores.

And here's Kim being all reclusive yesterday and Kanye leaving her house with the head wound he got when he lost a fight against a sign.