While Brooke Mueller dries out (or snorts lines of Sanka) with Lindsay Lohan in Betty Ford, her lawyers are trying to get a judge to pull her twin boys out of Denise Richards' arms, because she wants her brother to take care of them instead. Almost two weeks ago, social services found some suspect shit at Brooke Mueller's house and the Sheen twins were taken away and given to Denise Richards temporarily. Denise expected to take care of the boys until Brooke cleaned herself up. But TMZ says that Brooke wants her brother to have custody of her 4 year olds and her decision has everything to do with MONAY!

According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen is onto Broke Mule's schemes and thinks she only wants her brother to have custody of the twins, because she doesn't want to let go of the $55k she gets in child support a month. Charlie's lawyers are in court today to EXPOSE Brooke's scheme. Brooke's lawyers will argue that Denise is the gold digging twat who is using her twins to get that monthly check.

TMZ's source says that Charlie has offered to give Denise money to take care of his twins, but she turned him down and doesn't want one penny from him. Denise also has text messages from Brooke where Brooke admits that she needs those child support checks.

Denise has taken care of the Sheen twins for a long period of time before, so let's see.... The boys can either stay in a home they know or they can be ripped out of yet another house and put into a different one. Brooke Mueller is so damn dumb. There's clearly an easy way for her to get everything she wants: a $55,000 check every month and zero parental responsibility. All she has to do is let Denise Richards keep custody of her boys and tell Denise that if she doesn't hand over $55,000 every month, she'll text her this picture every morning:

Nobody wants to live under that kind of fear. Denise's only response would be, "What's your account and routing number?"

And here's pictures from earlier this year of Brooke looking like a mash-up of Axl Rose and Russell Brand.

Some of us are looking at that picture like it's the opposite of sexy, because Katie Holmes looks like she's in the middle of taking an extended dump and just realized that there's only one wipe worth of toilet paper left. That is totally a "Do I pull up my panties and chance it or do I risk dripping on the floor by squat walking to the next bathroom?" face. But dudes on the NYC set of Katie's movie are looking at the sight of her sitting there and telling themselves that they want to see that on their toilet the morning after.

Katie and Luke Kirby are currently playing manic depressives in love in the Spike Lee-produced movie Mania Days and it's a damn miracle that they get any work done, because every dude on set keeps trying to get on her. A source tells Page Six, “There were crew members and extras just chancing it. It really got on the nerves of director Paul Dalio. Needless to say, she said no to everyone.” The source says that so far seven dudes have asked Katie out.

Katie should give her publicist a bonus for getting that little story in Page Six.

Those crew members and extras asking Katie out need to know that it takes a special kind of dude to date the former duchess of Scientology. Not just any dude can date Katie Holmes. In order to date her, you have to be okay with Suri Cruise dry heaving every time you show up to her apartment wearing sneakers you bought on clearance at Foot Locker. That's one thing you have to be okay with. You also have to be okay with dying young, because Tommy Girl will probably have you killed. If you're okay with both of those things, ask away!

Here's more pictures of Katie Holmes and Luke Kirby as manic depressives in love. I'm already learning things from this movie! I just learned that a symptom of manic depression is wearing a t-shirt with jeans.

The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella's Prince and Rapunzel's Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella's Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they're splitting that shit up in the movie.

THR says that they haven't put contracts in front of Jakey or Zachary Quinto's partner in giggling just yet, but the two sang in front of Rob Marshall and deals will be thrown at them any day now. THR describes the roles of the Princes as "brothers who are pompous and self-absorbed." Cinderella and Rapunzel are the fairy tale world's premiere beards, so I approve of this casting decision.

Your ass might be wondering if Chris Pine and/or Jakey can even sing. Does it even matter? Russell Crowe's singing voice sounds like a bear farting into a fan and they gave him a lead role in a movie musical. A deaf seal with severe laryngitis can probably sing better than Pierce Brosnan can and he also got paid to sing in a movie musical. Hollywood don't care! But you can judge for yourself if you want. Here's a clip of Jakey singing and a clip of Chris Pine singing.

Since Rob Marshall is obviously making a few changes to Into the Woods for the movie, he should add more layers to the Princes. The Witch should cast a spell on the Princes, making them allergic to wearing clothes and the only time they're able to sing is when they sing into each other's butts. It's what the audience (aka probably only me) wants and The Brothers Grimm would totally approve of these changes!

And here's Chris Pine at last night's L.A. premiere of Star Trek: Into Darkness with some other tricks including Alice Eve, Zachary Quinto, the extremely androgynous Zoe Saldana (wearing a bedazzled shredded condom) and John Cho.

In Angie Jolie's op-ed piece for The New York Times (which has already won two Pulitzers and has been re-published in every esteemed medical journal in the world, thankyouverymuch), she writes that doctors told her she has also a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer. Angie's mother Marcheline Bertrand died of ovarian cancer in 2007. Angie wrote that she had a preventative double mastectomy first, because it's a more complicated surgery and her chances of getting breast cancer are higher. People says in their current issue that Angie is also going to get her ovaries removed.

Every tabloid editor just choked out an intern, because they just lost 30% of their covers. There goes their semi-monthly "Brad Storms Out After Angelina Reveals Surprise Pregnancy!" cover. They shouldn't worry, though. I'm sure that deep in the bowels of Chateau de Brangelina is a giant freezer room where thousands upon thousands of Angie's eggs are stored. So the world will be blessed with a million more chosen ones....unless Brad Pitt gets six degrees of stoned one night, stumbles in there and eats all the eggs with hot sauce. That is extremely possible.

And speaking of Brad, he had more things to say about Angie's mastectomy. Brad said this to USA Today:

"I'm quite emotional about it, of course. She could have stayed absolutely private about it and I don't think anyone would have been none the wiser with such good results. But it was really important to her to share the story and that others would understand it doesn't have to be a scary thing. In fact, it can be an empowering thing, and something that makes you stronger and us stronger."

And Jon Voight, who found out when you found out, also had some shit to say:

“My love and admiration for my daughter can't be explained in words. I saw her two days ago with my son Jamie. We all got together for his birthday, with her and Brad (Pitt). But I didn't know. It wasn't obvious at all. I found out (Tuesday) morning. I was as surprised as anyone and deeply moved by the way she’s handled this. She’s a very extraordinary person, the way she examined it and what she shared.”

And so did my favorite Voight child, James Haven:

"My sister like our mother always put her children first. I am so grateful to be her brother."

And because why not, Brad Pitt's mother (who supposedly has "TEAM ANISTON FOREVER, VATO!" tattooed on her chest) also released a statement of words:

"We're so very proud of Angie, this means so much to our family especially our grandchildren. We love her dearly."

I'm sure that later today we'll also get statements from Billy Bob Thornton, Jonny Lee Miller, Jenny Shimizu, her kindergarten teacher, her Gia co-star Kylie Travis, James Haven's taint waxer, Maddox's personal secretary and Dina Lohan (because she has nothing better to do than get drunk and write statements).

Poor Goopy knows exactly what to expect when she goes to the restroom after having a coke and an Oreo. - LaChaylo

Runners-up:

The real reason for the break up... this is what Ryan Seacrest saw every time he looked at Julianne Hough. - tojo

I don't see what the big deal is. It's just proof that Federline jacked off last time he was at the beach. - Skinnymalinky

Being an epileptic at SeaWorld also has its advantages! - BaconSlut

via PIU

Mama Buzzard from a bunch of Looney Tunes cartoons!

The other day, while writing about Anne Hathaway's bashful-eyed mute husband, I compared him to the true biological father of Audrina Patridge, Beaky Buzzard (aka The Bashful Buzzard). That made me think of Beaky Buzzard's hot mom Mama Buzzard. Mama Buzzard was a big Greek bitch who didn't give three shits that she only had two hairs on her head and wouldn't put up with Beaky Buzzard being a bashful ho. Since I was basically Beaky Buzzard all through school and on the first day of preschool I begged my dad to let me stay home, Mama Buzzard was my worst nightmare. Bitch made bitches do shit.

And can somebody please tell me the kind of weed Beaky Buzzard is smoking?

David Charvet (41)
Jessica Sutta (31)
Alex Breckenridge (31)
Jamie-Lynn Sigler (32)
Zara Phillips (32)
Caroline Dhavernas (35)
David Krumholtz (35)
Ahmet Zappa (39)
Prince Be (43)
Emmitt Smith (44)
Giselle Fernandez (52)
Brian Eno (65)
Chazz Palminteri (67)
Lainie Kazan (73)
Madeline Albright (76)
Trini Lopez (76)

Aren't you just looking at that naked picture of an obvious woman and asking yourself, "Is it a woman? Is it an alien? Is it an exquisite Filipino gay twink?" That's the power of Zoe Saldana's androgyny at work. She's just so androgynous. If she only knew what "androgyny" meant....

Bradley Cooper's ex-beard is on the cover Allure Magazine and during the interview she told them that she's done with dating actors. Zoe refused to say whether or not she's gotten with a chick before, but she did say that maybe one day she'll raise a kid with a lady, because she's androgynous and that's what androgynous people do.

"[I might] end up with a woman raising my children.....that's how androgynous I am. Yes, I was raised that open."

Oh, Zoe, if only you were raised to know what the definition of "androgynous" is.

If you've been following the Amy's Baking Company freakout on Facebook, then I'm sure you've gone through several bags of popcorn and have thrown up seven tons of laughs from watching those crazy bitches lose whatever is left of their minds all over their keyboards.

If you have no idea what I'm talking, then immediately watch part 1 and part 2 of last Friday's episode of Kitchen Nightmares. For the first time in Kitchen Nightmares history, Gordon Ramsay, who prides himself on being a hot-tempered cunt, walks out of Amy's Baking Company Bakery Boutique & Bistro in Scottsdale, AZ, because he couldn't break through the shield of craziness permanently surrounding owners Amy and Samy Bouzaglo.

In just one episode, the Bouzaglos stole their waitstaff's tips, fired a server, Samy threatened to whoop a customer's trick ass and Amy threatened to call the police after a customer asks if he can have the pizza he bought from them. That's basically what would happen if Chris Brown, Kanye West, Lindsay Lohan and Sean Penn opened up a Sbarro/Dunkin Donuts together. Gordon gives up and walks out on them and that was that.....until last night.

After the episode aired, they got hundreds of one-star reviews on Yelp and last night, they started responding to all the hate on Facebook. It's theater at its finest! When Reddit started following their meltdown and people started commenting on how they sell repackaged cakes, they turned up the crazy and got even crazier.

Scottsdale's most reputable gourmet chefs have since taken down most of their ALL-CAPS rants and claim that they've been hacked (the FBI is looking into it, uh huh), but Eater screen-capped some of their greatest moments. My favorite is the one above and Samy and Amy should get some kind of customer service award for it. I kind of want to call up Amy's Baking Company and ask if they take lunch reservations for tomorrow, because my life isn't complete until I hear Amy call me a SLUTTY BITCH. That is the ringtone my iPhone severely needs.

And where's the petition to get these two on The Next Food Network Star, Cupcake Wars and basically every other show on television?

James Franco's in GQ Magazine showing off his black belt fisting skills. Teen Mom Farrah doesn't know whether to close her legs or try to book James for the sequel to her porn - Lainey Gossip

Why is an inflatable green ball with a face trying to nibble on Heidi Klum's tit? - Drunken Stepfather

When Denise Richards turned down Charlie Sheen's stack of cash for taking care of twins he just shrugged and said, "More snatch and coke for me then!" - Celebitchy

Either Emma Watson's nipple is really long and skinny or she got a hamburger grease stain on her dress - The Superficial 

Just Jack is on TV again - Towleroad

Porn Iguana or Snookitina or a little of both?- Hollywood Tuna

The morphing of Blair Waldorf and JLo was at the FOX Upfronts - Popoholic

Jimmy Choo wants Nicole Kidman's feet - Just Jared

LuMann and Aviva might not be in the next season of Real Houseflies of New York City - Reality Tea

The look on Tori Spelling's kids faces says it all - ICYDK

Douche parade and yes, I'd hit them all - The Berry 

Vanessa Hudgens either has a herp sore or one of the paps blew a fart her way - IDLYITW

B. Coop wants a lot of balls on his head - Popsugar

Carrie Underwears isn't ready to rent her womb out to a baby yet - I'm Not Obsessed

Oh...Brooke Mueller.... - HuffPo

Ling Woo > Sandra Bullock - Jezebel

$950 for a shot glass that looks like an oversized thimble from Monopoly?  - Videogum