E! confirmed through multiple "sources" last week that Beyonce, Jay-Z and the rest of the world will soon be graced by another infinite holy one of eternal light, because they said a fetus checked into her womb. But apparently, Old Man Ebro of Hot 97 (via Kid Fury) heard straight from the horse's camel's mouth that Beyonce is not pregnant with baby Lavender Flytrap Carter. Old Man Ebro is e-mail friends with Jay-Z and he sent J a congratulatory e-mail a few days ago. Jay-Z responded back with this:

“It’s not true. The news is worse than blogs."

The news is worse than the blogs?! That hurts like a hot sauce enema. As a blogger, I've always prided myself on being the absolute worst, so it makes me sad knowing that the head of the Illuminati's New York office thinks the news is trashier than the blogs. I have got to do worser.

If you're still hungover and didn't read the headline, you're probably wondering why I posted a picture from 2004 of Portia De Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres. These two peroxide-haired beauties aren't Portia and Ellen. It's Nicole Kidman and Sun-In's most loyal customer Keith Urban kissing and loving on each other at the Cannes screening of Inside Llewyn Davis over this weekend.

I had to check to see if there's been any recent break-up rumors about these two, because why else would they canoodle on each other like two 15-year-olds whose parents just dropped them off at the school dance. Nicole and Keith's STUNT QUEEN PDA show for the photographers is cute and everything, but I want to scream at them the same thing I wanted to scream at the couple in Olive Garden who sat on the same side of the booth and kissed on each other throughout my entire meal, "You're loved-up grossness is putting me off of these delicious breadsticks."

And if I squint my eyes, Nicole sort of looks like an albino predator who's trying to swallow an angora ferret whole.

Keanu Reeves is 48 years old and he usually looks like an eternally young vampire who's got an aging portrait of himself hanging in an attic somewhere. I'm guessing that Keanu wanted to throw people off of his trail, so he injected fat into his body, wonked his eye up a bit, pumped himself up with gas and got a double chin implant. Keanu walked off of a yacht in Cannes yesterday looking like a middle-aged  smoke shop manager who gambled away all his money and now lives under a bench at the beach and spends his days harassing women on the pier. You can't fool us, Keanu! We know you're still an ageless vampire under there.

And I'd hit Keanu circa 1995, Keanu circa 2005 and Keanu circa yesterday.

While accepting a fan-voted, made-up award at the Billboard Music Awards last night, Justin Bieber continued to jack off his own ego and he told the audience that he should really be taken seriously as an artist. When you have to tell people to take you seriously as an "artist," you probably shouldn't be taken seriously as an "artist." If you tell people to take you seriously as an "artist" while wearing sunglasses indoors and drop crotch leather pants, you definitely should not be taken seriously as anything.

Some hos in the audience agreed and started booing his ass. Surprisingly, the Biebs didn't puff up his chicken hawk chest and threaten to beat up all those haters as his bodyguard held the waist of his leather diaper pants. The Biebs just kept on spewing some ridiculous shit about how he's not a gimmick and is a true artist.

"I'm 19 years old. I think I'm doing a pretty good job. And basically, from my heart, I really just want to say, it should really be about the music, it should be about the craft, the craft that I'm making. This is not a gimmick. I'm an artist and I should be taken seriously, and all this other bull should not be spoken of."

How very Kanye of him.

See, this is what happens when a bunch of grown ups repeatedly kiss the ass of a toddler and never give him some real talk. His ego gets bigger than the oopsie he made in his leather diaper pants and delusion becomes his best friend. The Biebs probably thinks that the money will never stop trickling into his Piggy Bank and he'll keep wasting money on life-sized Hot Wheel cars until he's broke and has to do Cash4Gold commercials. Besides fashion tips, has the Biebs learned nothing from MC Hammer?

But the most disturbing part of Justin Bieber's little speech is that he and Cee-Lo looked like the worst members of the gay leather lovers baseball league.

And now I know what it feels like to actually agree with Taylor Swift. It feels strange and someone might need to hold me.

Taylor Swift was walking backstage at the Billboard Music Awards last night when she caught her best friend 4eva awkwardly cheek kissing Justin Bieber and her reaction spoke for all of us. Since Taylor was dressed up like a damn figure skater, I give her ICK NAST face all 10s! Sticking your tongue out after watching your friend kiss on her douche ex-boyfriend is totally some junior high school shit, but for once I'm not annoyed by the fact that Taylor is an 8th grade mean girl trapped in the body of a squinting ostrich.

It's even better in GIF form and this GIF should go under "Taylor Swift's Greatest Achievement" on her Wikipedia page:

A slow clap and a standing ovation for Tay Tay!

And I made the same exact face when Taylor jumped on stage last night wearing one of Dawn Wiener's outfits.

OK Goopy we get it. Your backyard cookout is way, way better and more sophisticated than ours. - citizenstrange

Runners-up:

Chelsea Lately overdoes her sunbathing again and has to be scraped up by her assistants, who never let a good opportunity go to waste. - LaChaylo

Kirstie Alley goes to Hell. - cs182

When John Travolta heard about a piping-hot hole surrounded by wieners, he came running--but left disappointed. - FluffKitteh

Alexis Normand, the Canadian songbird who completely and utterly butchered and gutted the US National Anthem at the 2013 Memorial Cup Game on Saturday. It takes a special kind of Hot Slut to make the Star Spangled Banner sound like it was written by an internet spambot. Girl wasn't even close and the terrified look on her face (like she just shit the bed and rolled in it) says it all. Alexis later apologized and said that she only got a quick minute to learn the song:

“I’m embarrassed and deeply sorry. I wish I’d had more time to learn the American anthem. I was asked (Saturday) morning and I agreed. I’m usually a quick study and I’ve been learning songs for a long time. I had learned all the lyrics, but nerves just got the best of me and I got really nervous and it all unwound from there."

If I had to learn "O Canada!" in one morning, I too would sound like a salad spinner of jumbled words. But girl should've brought flash cards or written the lyrics on her hand with a Sharpie or something! That being said, I hope she sings the Star Spangled Banner (more like the Star Mangled Banner) at every game in the US from now on, because this shit is hilarious.

Cher (67)
Naturi Naughton (29)
Matt Czuchry (36)
Chad Muska (36)
Busta Rhymes (41)
Timothy Olyphant (45)
Dan Abrams (47)
Mindy Cohn (47)
Gina Ravera (47)
Ted Allen (48)
Tony Goldwyn (53)
Bronson Pinchot (54)
Judy Kuhn (55)
Jane Wiedlin (55)
Ron Reagan (55)
Cindy McCain (59)
David Paterson (59)
Dave Thomas (64)
Joe Cocker (69)
Constance Towers (80)

As Baby Brahim and Casper Smart had a toddler slap flight in the backstage daycare area at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, his sugar mami accepted an award for being the top touring act of 2012. Everybody bow downed to the zombie vampire queen as she showed us the finger she uses to pop one of Baby Brahim's stubborn doody bubbles. She's maternal like that. And here's Madge taking off those pretentious cataract sunglasses while accepting her trophy, which looks like Tommy Lee's gilded dick:

Yes, several pairs of fetus ass cheeks were used to make Madge's newest face and she looks like a pimp who has fallen on hard times and had to get an extra job as a morning-shift stripper, but she still looks hotter than Ke$hit (although, that's not hard to do)!

And today's Dumb Bitch of the Day award goes to Miguel for kicking a girl in the head and nearly decapitating another girl at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas tonight. It's a good thing those girls didn't die (I think), because there's nothing worse than dying at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas by the legs of a cockatoo named Miguel. It's not even the Grammys! And he's not even Prince! Sure, I'd like a face full of Miguel crotch but not if it means I'm going to get my head cut off.

These girls are totally calling Gloria Allred right now and they're going to sue the Cockatoo hair right off of Miguel's head. And if you need to see the video of this attempted murder, here you go:

You dumb, stupid shit, Miguel! Hugging that blond woman is not going to be those girls' heads back on their bodies.