To Goopy Paltrow, being at the Met Gala was a lot like being trapped in the wet, hot fart of a poor person who just ate cheap Mexican food. She hated almost every second of it. Well, the feeling might've been mutual. People at the Met Gala hated Goopy being there as much as she did. The National Enquirer says that Goopy wasn't lying when she said she was hot, because apparently her pits were as juicy and moist as a roasted organic quail coming out of her $50,000 La Cornue’s Grand Palais oven. Some source tells The National Enquirer that Goopy's pits don't lie:

“Poor Gwyneth looked picture-perfect, but it must have been the hot lights that caused her to be a little strong on the nose. It was pretty pungent, and I don’t think she had a clue. I saw at least two people wave their hands in front of their noses after passing her.”

One of Goopy's friends said that she doesn't use deodorant, because she read that the aluminum in some deodorants can increase your chances of getting breast cancer. So she uses that crystal rock crap and other stuff instead.

This entire story has almost made me put my bong away for the weekend, because the thought of people plugging their nose while walking by Goopy has taken me up, up, up and away! But the truth is, the middle-class and the bougies just aren't used to smelling the scent of the blue blood royals. Goopy's pit stank probably smells like platinum bullion, Yangtze River dolphin queefs, red diamond dust, slightly seared Kobe beef and a hint of organic Saffron.

Of course the middle-class and bougies wouldn't understand her natural aroma. They just don't have the noses for it. It's kind of like when Goopy let her laundress taste the coagulated jizz balls of white tigers she had imported in from Bengal. Goopy's laundress spit it out and Goopy patted her on the back while saying, "It's okay, it's not your fault you were born with that palate." So Goopy doesn't hate those bitches who said she stank up the room. It's not their fault they were born with the nasal palate of an ordinary peasant.

Here's musty Goopy and Chris Martin leaving some party she threw in London the other night.

When Amanda Bynes Skillrex'd her hair, some people said that at least it's a good thing she didn't go full Britney. Well, she kind of did...

TMZ got a hold of the mug shot that Amanda Bynes took last night after getting arrested for throwing a bong out the window of her 36th floor apartment and being in possession of the good shit. Underneath that used-up, bought-at-a-garage-sale Disney princess wig is some short hair. That mug shot is like "Miley Cyrus as Brandon Teena" meets Faces of Meth.

The Disney princess wig was back on Amanda's head when she was taken into court this morning. Amanda told the judge that the bong she threw out the window was just a vase. (She's not totally off, because a bong is sort of like a vase for beautiful weed buds.) TMZ says that the judge didn't send Amanda immediately to the psych ward and he didn't make her pay $1,000 bail. The prosecutors asked the judge to hold her, but the judge released her back into the wild by herself instead. The judge told her that she will be arrested again if she doesn't show up to her court hearing in July.

THAT JUDGE! What in the hell kind of judge takes a look at that busted down, four cent wig and doesn't immediately send the wig wearer to get some serious help? That wig isn't a cry for help, it's a bawling/wall slide/mute cry for help. Well, hopefully when Amanda got back to her apartment, Daddy Spears was waiting there with a pot full of Velveeta grits and a filled-out 5150 application. If not, you better wear a hard hat and carry a steel umbrella when walking around 47th and 8th, because "vases" are falling from the sky around there.

The triangle that is almost more life-sucking and soul-destroying than the Bermuda Triangle was brought back to life last week when Brad Pitt once again told Esquire that ten years ago he was nothing but a haggard puddle of greasy laziness and dirty bong water (translation: Being with Jennifer Aniston sucked the life out of him). Well, in that same Esquire article, Brad's make-up artist of over 20 years Jean Black says that yeah, Brad Pitt suddenly came to life and started living when he dipped his peen into St. Angie's fountain of life pussy, but that doesn't mean he hated being with Aniston.

"I think Brad was ready to soar when he met Angie. This is not to say anything negative about Jennifer. I was part of that and I know that he and Jennifer are very good friends and he cared deeply for her. But in Angie, he saw a very adventurous person who was grabbing on to life and taking it to its nth degree. It was intriguing because I felt Brad had that in him and wanted to unleash it."

Brad is totally one of those whores who pretty much morphs into who ever he's doing. I knew this girl who would become the perfect girlfriend to the dude she was dating. She dated some dude who was all into Nascar and heavy metal and going "to the lake" (that's what we do in CA, we go to the lake) and so she was suddenly into that shit. This bitch normally listened to boy band and pop shit and suddenly she's getting into Slayer. Then when she dumped that dude, she dated a vegetarian type and became vegetarian. I guess the dick was so good it gave her a personality disorder.

So when Brad was with Jen, he was smoking pot and slurping on tequila worms. Now that he's with St. Angie, he's saving the world and collecting points toward getting sainthood. If he starts dating Amanda Bynes, he'll throw bongs out of windows, dance on the elliptical like there's no tomorrow and buy cast-off wigs at the Nicki Minaj stoop sale.

And yes, it's been five hundred million years and we're still talking about this. We're going to talk about this forever and ever and ever. When we're all on our death beds, the last thing we'll say before taking our final breath will be, "But did Brad ever TRULY love Jen?"

via UsWeekly 

Minutes later, a float of a tough English schoolgirl beat up this float for trying to copycat Taylor Swift. - RandéSleepover

Runners-up:

Does this dress make my pussy look fat? - zocalo1

Having retired his position of City Correspondent at SNL, Stefon quickly found a new way to keep midgets in his life. - BaconSlut

via Cheezburger

The brave bitch Dachshund who is really serious about oral hygiene (and eating steak slime) and the lion who let it slurp the gunk of his teeth.

See, we can all get along! That lion could easily swallow that Dachshund whole and pull its skeleton out with his paw like in the cartoons, but he laid there like a patient patient and let that dentist dog to its job. That Dachshund dentist gets into it too. That dog gets all up in that lion's mouth and isn't letting one piece of meat get away. Just when I think I've seen it all, I see a Dachshund sucking off a lion's tooth.

This might be the closet I'll ever get to seeing a Chantal Biya sex tape.

via Towleroad

Maru (6)
Mark Ballas (27)
Prince Poppycock (35 or 36)
Will Sasso (38)
John C. Reilly (48)
Kristin Scott Thomas (53)
Roseanne Cash (58)
Alfred Molina (60)
Sybil Danning (61)
Jim Broadbent (64)
Priscilla Presley (68)
Patti Labelle (69)
Bob Dylan (72)
Tommy Chong (75)
Patti Labelle (69)

And the universe has spoken as I'm getting flashbacks to Brit Brit's 5150 situation.

NBC New York says that the police got a call tonight about a "disorderly person" (see: Amanda Bynes) going crazy at an apartment building in Midtown. When the police showed up to the building, Amanda threw a bong out the window. They arrested her and charged her with reckless endangerment and possession of weed. Since she's current day Amanda Bynes, went crazy inside her apartment and threw a bong out the window, she was taken down to Roosevelt Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. Then they'll take her to the station to be booked.

Unless the mug shot taker wants Amanda Bynes to call them an ugly-faced, ugly, ugly hag, they should just let her take her own mug shot in a bathroom mirror with an iPhone.

And I thought she might've been trolling before, but now it looks like she isn't and it's a good thing she's finally getting some help. I mean, who throws a perfectly good bong out the window and ruins it? That alone is a good enough reason for a psychiatric evaluation.

UPDATE: Now NBC New York is saying that the doorman is the one who called the cops, because Amanda was toking up in the hallway. When the cops showed up, Amanda had already ran back up into her apartment on the 36th floor. They smelled the sweet nectar wafting out of her apartment and when she opened the door for them, she threw a bong out the window. They also charged her with tampering with evidence for throwing the bong out the window. TMZ says that when the cops arrested her, she kicked, screamed and channeled the spirit of Laura Jeanne Poon by screaming, "Don't you know who I am?" She'll spend the night in jail and face a judge tomorrow morning.

My abuelita just wants to grab Nicole Kidman, lay down on a bathtub and take a shower while standing on top of her. Because the pattern of Nicole's dress is the same pattern as one of my abuelita's old rubber bathtub mats. The first woman to be made entirely out of hardened Botox posed on the red carpet with Ang Lee at the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Nebraska tonight.

Nicole is wearing Valentino and Lainey says this is the Valentino dress that Anne Hathaway was supposed to wear to accept her Oscar. But when Anne learned that life-ruining, dress-stealing sabotaging bitch Amanda Seyfried was wearing a dress that sort of looked like hers, she instead wore a dress that made her tits look like pink origami pyramids. I'm actually surprised that Anne didn't put itching powder in Amanda's dress or throw a period stain on it so she could wear the Valentino.

But now Nicole is wearing it and looks like fondant bride on top of a wedding cake. If that dress had lungs and a mouth, it would totally breathe a sight of relief, because it was so close to being an accessory to Anne's "it came true..." speech.

This A list mostly movie actor is set to debut his new "girlfriend" just in time for Father's Day and photos of them with his family. (CDAN)

Tommy Girl! My guesses as to who his next beard is are: Julianne Hough, Taylor Swift (she likes 'em fresh out of the vagina, but she'd be willing to go with TG if it gets her into the Beard Hall of Fame), Minka Kelly (because her acting skills aren't going to get her starring roles), Justin Bieber or John Travolta in drag.

Which (in)famous dad of a trouble prone Hollywood actress had a pearl inserted in into his man parts as a teenager?

But unlike Demi Moore’s yoga-teaching boy toy Will Hanigan, who had the pearl inserted due to a farming tradition, boasting it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom, this C-List celebrity did not follow such a tradition.

“He boasts that he and his pals did it when they were in the early teens,” reveals a source. (Naughty But Nice Rob)

Michael Lohan? If it is, I'm surprised he hasn't had it removed, got his entire family to sign it and sold it on eBay. Oh hell, I'm giving him ideas...

This A list rapper said it was worth it to him because he always wanted to have sex with this former A list reality star/celebrity and now just an annoying name. Plus, if he makes a few bucks, then it will be a win/win. It is never a win/win when you have sex with her. Ever. (CDAN)

Lil Wayne and Wonky McValtrex? Lil Wayne is as fertile as a dozen KFeds, so if for some reason they do it, she will get knocked up. And in 9 months, we'll all be running down the street for our lives as a giant sizzurp-filled herp sore with legs and a gold grill chases after us.

These two talented young performers would like you to think that they met after they became part of the same show.

Not true! They actually met – and dated – a couple of years before that.

Why not just admit that they knew and dated each other in the past? Well, because their current project demands that they be perceived as young and hot and available. If people knew that they had dated, it would spoil the illusion.

Besides, their management doesn’t want anyone to know that they are gay. That’s right. These performers are the same gender! And they are still very, very attracted to each other. It’s too bad management won’t let them live their lives openly and honestly, because they make one really cute couple! (Blind Gossip)

Harry and Louis from One Erection?

In news that is the opposite of walking on sunshine (sleeping on the moon?), The Hollywood Reporter says that after 13 seasons and 243 interventions, A&E's Intervention will go to rehab permanently this summer. That is Vh1's cue to produce a show called Celebrity Interventions starring Candy Finnigan (that's totally going to happen).

The first of the final five episodes will start airing on June 13th. A&E says that the final 5 episodes are their most "intense" and "gripping" stories yet. A&E's Executive VP of Programming said in a press release that out of the 243 interventions they've done, 156 of the former addicts are sober today.

"As Intervention comes to an end, we’re proud to have paved the way for such an original and groundbreaking series. We’re honored to have been a part of the 243 interventions since its premiere in March of 2005, leading to the 156 individuals that are currently sober to this day.”

And one of those 156 is Allison who isn't floating to the sun while huffing computer duster and has come off of Staples DO NOT SELL TO list (I think):

Meanwhile, E! has announced that it just has renewed Keeping Up with the Kartrashians for 666 more seasons.