Adriana Lima and her husband, basketball player Marko Jaric, have a brand new baby friend (of the female variety). Adriana's spokeswhore confirmed to People that she gave birth to a girl in NYC last night, "Adriana and Marko are thrilled to announce they had a baby girl, Valentina Lima Jaric. Mother, father and baby are all doing well."

I'm sure that as soon as she popped out her baby, her stomach went flat, her titties jumped for heaven and she let out a long butt hum (models don't fart) that caused her ass to shrink. Bitch will be back in a bikini by this weekend.

And I think we're all wondering the same thing: Does Valentina look like her mother, or does she have her father's marble eyes? If it's the latter, let's just tell her that her lil' eyes love her nose so much that they always want to be together. And if that doesn't work, we can tell her that when she grows up she can play the real-life Doug in a movie.

We're all awful people.

She’s got a show, a hot movie, and a fabulous life, but she won’t shave her legs. (Down2Front via Blind Gossip)

Mo'Nique. EXHIBIT: EVERYTHING.

These two celebrity couples aren’t super close friends in public, but it’s clear that they know each other. Everyone knows that the male half of Couple A used to work with the female half of Couple B over a period of time. Yes, we know, there were rumors flying around at the time that those two were involved in an off-screen fling. Although it was good publicity for the project, it’s not true. But there was something more insidious going on behind the scenes. Something that didn’t make the tabloids.

It turns out the female half of Couple A and the male half of Couple B were both so distraught over the rumors that their mates were cheating on them that they wound up spending a lot of time comforting each other. The comforting became so frequent and so physical that it resulted in a pregnancy. Now Couple A raising a child that is only half theirs. Fortunately for them, the child looks more like the Couple A mother than the Couple B father, but those in the know can definitely see the Couple B father in the facial features. One additional hint: all of the people involved have been actors at some point. (Blind Gossip)

You're going to need to whip out your monocle for this one. My first thought was Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford? After I punched myself in the head as punishment, I came up with these two guesses: Jerry O'Connell and Jill Hennessy? Or David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson? This one is a master class blind item. It's hard.

The loneliest woman in the world is looking totally miserable in Mexico. Once again, Maddox made me write that. - Egotastic!

Just like her daddy, Suri Cruise is not taking off her kitten heels anytime soon - Popsugar

Carrie Prejean WHO? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Hayden Panatroll or a middle-aged divorcee who is trying to sex up her look with bangs? - Hollywood Tuna

Why is David Beckham's old hair hanging off of Posh's bag? - Just Jared

According to John Mayer, you really haven't danced unless you've busted a move around a bunch of sweaty shirtless dudes with peen-hongray eyes. I agree. - Towleroad

Prank you very much - Cityrag

The only interesting thing about Reese Witherspoon - Hollywood Rag

Rosie O'Donnell and her wife Kelli stopped scissoring years ago - Celebitchy

Chloe Sevigny demonstrates how you ho up an outfit in one easy step - ICYDK

Is this an invitation, Kanye? - Holy Moly!

But will Daniel Craig give you the ring off his cock? - Socialite Life

Sarah Jessica Parker's return to television! - SOW

The exact moment that Jenna Elfman's son realized his name is Story - I'm Not Obsessed

Gerard Butler gave his Sunday hooker the night off, and decided to take his mother to the premiere of Law Abiding Citizen in Glasgow last night. Gerry also made it extra special by slipping on a sexy kilt.

You know, if Megan Fox or Betty White was wearing that kilt, every pap on the carpet would be trying to get an upskirt shot. Seriously, they would be on the floor snap snap snapping away. Why didn't they do this with Gerry Butler?! The thing is, Gerry would've embraced it. He would've gladly spread his legs and wiped the ass dust off his nuts. Hell, his peen hole lips would've even said "prune" for the cameras.

During a cold night recently, Detective La Toya made Janet Jackson a Hot Toddy, sat her down in a leather armchair in front of a roaring fire, and told her that she conducted a thorough investigation on their brother's death, which revealed that he was killed by the hands of Dr. Conrad Murray! A wolf howled, a bolt of lightning struck the night and the truth came crashing down on Janet. In that moment, Janet not only realized that La Toya is the second coming of Sherlock Holmes, but suddenly everything made sense.

In an interview with ABC News, Janet echoes La Toya's statement that Dr. Con killed their brother, "He was the one who was administering. I think he should be responsible." Janet believes that he should never be able to practice medicine again.

Dr. Con has admitted to administering the anesthetic propofol, but he seems to think that he didn't kill Michael.

Dr. Con just needs to give it up already. You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape Detective La Toya!

If Amy Wino doesn't visit THE CLINIC (dun dun dun) at least a few times a month, the staff starts to get a little worried that they might lose their jobs. Lucky for them, Wino dropped in last night after she had a bad reaction from mixing medications.

The Mirror reports that Wino got the ills after she mixed over-the-counter cough medication with some shit she was already taking. A source said, "Amy took over-the-counter stuff for a cold but it didn't agree with medication she takes for her on-going recovery. A doctor came to the house and advised her to go the hospital to make sure she was all right. She was due to stay the night."

You would think that Wino's body is already used to every kind of drug in all combinations, so something in the milk ain't clean about this. It's not like she swallowed a vitamin or licked a clean piece of lettuce. My guess is that Wino is really in the hospital to get a fix of her latest addiction: plastic surgery. Don't widen your eyes if you see Wino strolling out of there with a new ass like a Care Bear or a nose like a Jackson.

Here's Wino trolling around London on Saturday night, just a few hours before she checked into the hospital.

Enrique Iglesias once joked that he was hung like a baby horsefly. We've never gotten proof that this isn't the case....until now! In Enrique's never-before-seen video from 2000 for the Bruce Springsteen cover "Sad Eyes," he unveils his 12-foot long dick that is made entirely of chrome! I'd still take a ride on Enrique's stripper dick, even if it gave my ass iron poisoning. Wouldn't be the first time.

It's best if you watch this Skinemax-approved porn video at the 3:00 mark with the sound off, sitting on your dryer, with a tub of baby wipes near you, three types of lotion at your side, a clothespin on each nipple an all the lights off.

Your body moles may jizz. And now I just killed the mood by painting that image.

via Tabloid Prodigy

Michael Lohan might have been the only bitch who truly enjoyed I Know Who Killed Me. He might have enjoyed it a little tooooo much if this story about him is true. Warning: Sucioness ahead.

Elliot Osher, the former owner of Scores strip club in NYC, tells Rush & Molloy that Michael Lohan once ordered up a LiLo look-alike to dance for him . Elliot said, "Lindsay Lohan's father once sat down and described the kind of dancer he was looking for. We sent some girls over. Funny, they all seemed to look like Lindsay."

Michael immediately queefed on Elliot's accusations, "No girls danced for me. The last thing I'd want to see is a girl who looked like Lindsay. I don't even look at the magazines where she's done some risqué photos."

But Elliot stands by his claim, "Maybe he just doesn't remember. The next week, Lindsay wanted to meet the girls who'd danced for her dad."

If Michael waits a few months, he can probably get the real thing to dance for him at the Spearmint Rhino during the morning shift. Just looking at a picture of Michael Lohan makes me want to call a hotline for help, so this rumor doesn't really surprise me. This is why you can never trust a tampon in a mesh shirt!

Seriously, the Lohan fuckery must come to an end. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And by "someone," I mean our souls and appetites.

Here's LiLo looking like the picture of sobriety while showing up to a house party at 4:30 in the morning. Don't worry, she was there for sunrise bible study.

St. Angie and Billy Goat Brad are joo-ree designers now. The two are putting out a collection of snake joo-ree through Asprey called "The Protector." WWD reports that they have been working on this shit for a year and it will be available at Asprey stores this week. Prices start at $525 and all proceeds will go to Education Partnership for Children of Conflict.

The snake design is based on St. Angie's slithery clitoris which has been known to strike at the ballsacks of mere mortal men. That is the official description from Asprey.

The collection features black diamond rings, diamond bracelets, an egg cup, a baby spoon and a tooth box. If you prefer cocaine instead of babies, the spoon, cup and box will also be of use to you. And don't worry, the diamonds are conflict-free, because they were made using the tears of angels and God's saliva.

Oh, and Lucius Malfoy has a question. He wants to know if they plan on making a cock-ring version in the near future?

It was just another day on the streets of Downtown Los Angeles on Sunday when a chorus of Mad Max-rejects, tranny crack whores, blonde children, goth strippers, Hot Topic stock room workers, Miami day-shift hustlers and extras from the gay porn version of 300 was spotted on their way to shoot Glamberace's video for "For Your Entertainment." I'm pretty sure the inspiration for this video was Tommy Girl's afternoon wet dream.

Two weeks ago, if you told me that Glamberace's video would feature a dude with rubber thimbles over his nipples, I'd believe you and tell you to pass the lube. I know Glamberace is trying to make hos clutch their chest and blush like Anderson Cooper in a titty bar, but he's going about it the wrong way. If he wants his video to be bizarre and shocking, he should just film a sober Paula Abdul.