We all need to move to Japan and get jobs as Don Drapers, because it's obvious that they encourage you to eat LSD tabs during brainstorming sessions. That's the only way I can explain this trippy, terrifying commercial starring a broken-hearted boy (who is trespassing, by the way), an Adrien Brody look-alike and a bag of drugs masquerading as chips.

Actually, there's another explanation as to why this commercial is a total mind fuck: IT'S FROM JAPAN.

via Buzzfeed

We're NOT going to have a party this Friday night, because there really is no reason to celebrate now that we know Paula Abdul isn't going to host the Star Search reboot. Ed McMahon can cancel those coffin rolling lessons, because his legacy is preserved...for now.

A source tells E! News that Paula and ABC were thisclose to closing the Star Search deal. Apparently, Paula and ABC just couldn't agree to the terms of her contract and so they both stepped away from the table. Actually, ABC was waiting for her to sign the contract, but Paula got distracted by something shiny in the corner so she dropped her pen and went to play that. By the way, the shiny thing in the corner was Simon Cowell's nipple. Speaking of...

Paula is still talking to Simon about possibly being a judge on The X-Factor.

A Super 8 motel room somewhere might soon be filled mountains of baby diarrhea and used black market collagen syringes, because OctoMom is in danger of being kicked out of her La Habra, CA home. Amer Haddadin, the man who owns the house, claims that OctoMom's family is behind on the payments and owes him nearly $450,000.

Amer tells KABC-TV that when OctoCrazy cried about needing a home for her 10 million hongray children, he stepped up and offered to sell them his home. Amer agreed to carry the $450,000 loan for one full year or until OctoCrazy's family could come up with enough money for the down payment. Octo also agreed to pay Amer $4,139 a month for the first year. Amer says she has been late on her payments several times.

Amer has started foreclosure proceedings and says he has no choice but to kick Octo out on her fat lips. Amer added, "I was the kids' savior. What they are doing is not right, and I am going to take them to court. They are not cooperating with me."

Not only is this bad news for Octo's child army, but it's also bad news for all of us. Octo refuses to get a full-time job, so expect her to pose naked in a spread for Stretch Mark Fetish Magazine and star in a Vh1 reality show called Uterus of Love.

P.S. - As far as I know there's no such thing as Stretch Mark Fetish Magazine. But if it exists, please don't tell me the truth. Not today.

via The Los Angeles Times

JLo's career has pretty much fallen overboard, and now she's taking a gem from the 80s with it! The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) is saying that JLo will star in a remake of the 1987 Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell movie Overboard.

JLo will play the role of a stuck-up, "short fat slut" socialite who falls off her yacht, gets a case of amnesia and is taken in by a hillbilly carpenter with ulterior motives. JLo's ass and ego will share the role of the yacht.

You know, I'd be okay with this if it was a reality show based on Overboard and we got to watch as someone pushed JLo off a boat. Like for real. But sadly, it isn't so let's all scream "NOOOOO!!" as we throw ourselves off the side.

Katherine Hagel is more annoying than a mosquito buzzing in your ear while you're trying to sleep (speaking from experience), so it's no surprise that her dress tried to leave her ass at ShoWest in Las Vegas yesterday.

Hagel went onstage to accept the award for Most Ungrateful Ho In Hollywood when her dress strap snapped and her chichi almost came piling out. Billy Bush, who presented Hagel with the award, had to hold her dress strap up so that she could give her acceptance speech without flashing a nip at the audience.

That dress must have been a terrible person in a past life to deserve this.

Actually, now that I look at the picture above I think the dress was left destroyed after it took a peek at the "I Dream of Jeannie" beauty behind Hagel. Me too, Dress. Me too.

Since Shoe-Han has joined the Labor Pains DVD at the bottom of the barrel, White Oprah needs a new dance to keep her relevant. White Oprah is now focusing all of her attention on eco-friendly tooth brushes! Just call her Green Oprah! No, don't.

Here's the KANYE-FIED press release which is a joke in itself:

LOHAN TO LAUNCH
ECO- FRIENDLY INITIATIVE AND TO INTRODUCE ''THE LOHAN GREEN TOOTH BRUSH'' TODAY IN MANHATTAN AT PRESS CONFERENCE

LINDSAY LOHAN'S MOTHER DINA LOHAN WILL JOIN ENVIRONMENTAL GROUPS AND ORGANIZATIONS IN A MAJOR PRESS CONFERENCE INTRODUCING ONE OF THE FIRST WATER FREE TOOTH BRUSHES IN AMERICA. ''THE AQUA FREEDOM GREEN LOHAN BRUSH'' WILL BE UNVEILED ON AT THE ''GO GREEN EXPO'' ON FRIDAY MARCH 19, 2010 AT 11:30AM AT PIER 92 ON 12th AVENUE & W 55th STREET.THE BRUSH WILL SAVE THE AVERAGE CONSUMER OVER TWO GALLONS OF WATER IN THE BATHROOM A DAY. IT WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR CONSUMERS INTERNATIONALLY IN MAY DURING MOTHERS DAY WEEK. DINA WILL ALSO UNVEIL A GO GREEN INITIATIVE FOR LOCAL NYC FAMILIES.

If the Lohans really wanted to help the environment and go green, they'd move into the nearest compost pile. Aw. I shouldn't say that. White Oprah is trying. Besides, this sort of makes sense since hearing the name "Lohan" causes most people to scrub their entire body down with a toothbrush.

Also, I can't wait until White Oprah extends her line of Lohan dental products by putting out a tube of mint-flavored Adderall paste and teeth-whitening coke strips.

If Jesse James stuck his unprotected dick in a pile of crack whore shit while getting done in the ass by a grenade held by a gorilla with carpal-tunnel, it would've been a better decision than fucking on this gutter skank pig. Not only is Bombshell McGee going to be known as Jesse James' biggest mistake, but her nickname is going to replace the word trash. And let's all take out the Bombshell to the nearest dumpster. Jesse, pack your shit, because you're coming to.

TMZ got their hands on these charming pictures of Bombshell McGee posing as some kind of morning-shift Nazi prostitute. Mel Gibson just downloaded the entire set to his cell phone.

If this picture doesn't make you want to exchange your tainted eyeballs for a pair of fresh new ones, the rest of this piece of trash's story will. Radar obtained court documents from Bombshell's divorce and custody battle with her ex-husband Ronald Shane Modica. Yes, Bombshell is a mother to two children. Suddenly OctoMom's horns have magically turned into a gold halo.

Ronald alleges in the documents that Bombshit is a white supremacist who has a magnet on her refrigerator that spells out "white power." And I don't think she's referring to the international treasure that is Betty White.

The documents also state that Bombskank regularly makes the Nazi salute and has a swastika tattooed on her stomach. One of her sons, Elijah, is Jewish and she thinks it's a barrel of fucking laughs when she makes the Nazi salute. Bombwhore also strips under the name "Avery," which is her other son's name. Ronald adds in his declaration, “I believe that Michelle is mentally ill and should be in the care of a therapist which the court ordered her to see, but she refuses to do so. She is supposed to take medication for bi polar disorder but she doesn’t.”

Suddenly, we now know why Cinnabun keeps quitting Jesse James. Could you look at someone who humped on this landfill?

Jesse James, now a struggling single father, at the grand opening of his new Cookie Monster Garage. - Cowjam

Runners-up:

Toyota rebuilds it's image: Introducing the 2010 Toyota Comfy!!!! (front collision Care Bears Optional) - Jeepster

No douchebag! That's not how you do an "Amber Alert." - Vern

Spencer Pratt is still under the illusion that he's surrounded by fans. - Snarkley

via Splash

Balian Buschbaum, German pole vaulter and former female

Balian was born Yvonne Buschbaum and he retired from pole vaulting in 2007 so that he could flip the switch and turn his precious flower into a mighty trunk. Yes, the pole vaulter got a pole of his very own! AND HOW! This is The Crying Out "YES" Game! If you're genitals aren't with me on that one, take your pants off and then click through his picture gallery.

And just for reference, this is what Balian looked like when he was Yvonne:

I'd pole vault it then, now or whenever. I'm not sure what "I'd pole vault it" actually means, but I'd still do it even though it sounds painful.

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