They were once homeless and abandoned, but Joan Rivers' face scraps pulled themselves together and got a job at the diner. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

How to make your Muslim roommate keep his damn hands off your peanut-butter. - TexnDoc

Bartender! I'd like to buy another rind! - suze

RazorbackBucks: Every order comes with complimentary defibrillator. - loozer

via Digg

Eric Steward, the Australian pepaw who went out to pick up the morning paper at the local store, but ended up taking a wrong turn which led him 400 miles the wrong way.

81-year-old Eric was visiting friends with his wife when he took off at 7:30 Monday morning to get the newspaper. Pepaw Eric took a wrong turn onto the highway and drove nearly 400 miles for a total of 9 hours before he decided that he should probably ask for some help. Eric finally asked a police officer for some directions back home. By this time, Eric's wife had already called the police and reported his old ass missing! The police officer simply showed Eric the right way and he was reunited with his wife 9 hours later.

Eric told the Australian media, "I just went out on the road to have a drive, a nice peaceful quiet drive. I didn't know where I was going but I knew it was somewhere, and with a bit of luck I would eventually find my wife again. When you get to 80 and beyond it doesn't matter much. He's out there waiting for us and you just got to wait your turn." And when a reporter said he should get a GPS, Eric snapped back, "Why would you want one of those? You can't get lost. There is no fun in that."

400 miles in 9 hours?! Was Eric driving a shopping cart with rusty wheels? Well, at least he wasn't speeding.

And I know how Pepaw Eric feels since my brain is constantly going 400 miles in the wrong direction.

(For Rebecca)

Larry King (76)
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Kerri Strug (32)
Savion Glover (36)
Erika Alexander (40)
Rocci DiSpirito (43)
Jason Scott Lee (43)
Terry Farrell (46)
Jodie Foster (47)
Meg Ryan (48)
Allison Janney (50)
Charlie Kaufman (51)
Ann Curry (53)
Kathleen Quinlan (55)
Calvin Klein (67)
Ted Turner (71)
Dick Cavett (73)
Alan Young (90)

Whenever I watch a Miley Cyrus interview, I close my eyes and think of an old lady with pink hair chain-smoking Lady Diamond cigarettes while sitting in front of her trailer on a broken down chair she got on special from Pic 'n' Save. It makes listening to that shit much more bearable.

Anyway, in a recent interview, Noah Cyrus' favorite pole dancing partner was asked if she was Team Edward or Team Jacob. Miley is Team FuckOffTwilight. She explained, "I've never seen it and nor will I ever. I don't believe in it. I don't like vampires. ... I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it."

See what I mean? Miley is as incoherent as an old bitch whose diet only consists of Mallomars and wine coolers. I mean, is she talking about Twatlight, Three Wolf Moon, or both? And if Miley doesn't like wolves popping out at her, she better stay away from 70s porn.

via Vulture

Martha Stewart is caviar and champagne while Rachael Ray is a plastic cup of lukewarm Faygo and a plate of saltines with a melted Kraft Single on top. That's basically what Martha Stewart said about Rachael in a new interview with Nightline. Martha being a cunt is always a good thing.

In the interview, Martha said, "Well, to me, she professed that she could -- cannot bake. She -- just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She -- and that's not good enough for me." Martha went on to politely piss all over Rachael by saying that writing a cookbook is "a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone's library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."

Translation: "Rachael Ray is a piece of trash used by a hobo to wipe his ass after a disastrous bowel movement."

When asked what she thought about Martha's remarks, Rachael said, "Why would it make me mad? Her skill set is far beyond mine. That's simply the reality of it."

Rachael may have a voice like a trucker who eats children, but even she knows not to fuck with Martha. Martha has been in prison! Bitch is gangster. Not only can she whip up a five-course meal on a radiator, but bitch can also make a shank out of a tampon applicator.

In case you were wondering what Nicole Richie is up to today, homegirl is laid up in a hospital bed with pneumonia. Cut to the pap she has a restraining order out on holding a voodoo doll made out of toothpicks.....

Last week, Nicole denied that she had a case of the Tori Spellings. It looks like she had pneumonia all along. Nicole's rep issued this statement to UsWeekly: "Nicole has checked into Ceders Sinai where she is being treated for pneumonia. She is doing well."

And Nicole will be doing a lot better as soon as she takes a heaping serving of this (YES, this is REAL news):

via Lindsay Robertson

Spectacular is the one word to describe today's blind. This A list female celebrity chef was overheard in a restaurant the other day. Nothing unusual about that right? I mean people are nosy and we strain our ears. Well, it turns out this celebrity chef who is married was discussing an affair she recently had with this B list male singer with A list name recognition and reputation. She wasn't shy about discussing the details either. I mean explicit, graphic details about what the two did to each other. Nothing out of the ordinary, but definitely not shy in recounting every last act. It does appear to have been a one time thing, but this is totally not what you expect from our chef and the image she tries to portray to the public. (CDAN)

I would like to think that Paula Deen and Willie Nelson get freaky in a tub full of butter sticks, but I'm going to go with Rachel (I refuse to give her the extra a) Ray and John Mayer? And I really don't want to know all the things they do with EVOO. More like EVOHNO.

This celebrity had a little malfunction last week. No, it wasn’t a wardrobe malfunction (although she does have great style). It was a technical malfunction. Our celebrity, a television actress, is dating a non-famous guy. While she was out socializing late one night last week, she sent him a very private text message… along with a revealing photo of a private part of her anatomy. Unfortunately, instead of sending it to her boyfriend, she sent it to his mother (whose name was right below his in her directory). Whoops. The morals of this story – which we would love to see as a PSA – are: Don’t drink and drive. Don’t drink and text. Don’t drink and photograph your hooha. (Blind Gossip)

This could be anyone, because who doesn't send pictures of their vag to their boyfriend's mom? It's the new Christmas card. My guesses are: Michelle Trachtenberg, Zoila from Flipping Out, Ashley Jizzdale, Teri Snatcher or any of the chicks on 90210?

Zac Efron is trying to lure the unicorns to his wannabe magical forest hair. It's not working. - Lainey Gossip

Giada de Laurentiis makes delicious food names sound like something a gynecologist does to your private parts - Gawker TV

Personally I'd rather see Chuck Bass in lacy lingerie - Egotastic!

Xtina begins shooting the unofficial remake of Showgirls - Hollywood Tuna

Ryan Phillipe sucks at hiding - Just Jared

It was Halloween all over again at Tim Burton's MoMa tribute - Popsugar

Cameras are the work of the devil. Case in point: Mop Head nipples (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

I think Kate Major got confused. Jon promised her a "hand job," not the other kind of job - Celebitchy

Jennifer Hudson to play Winnie Mandela - I'm Not Obsessed

If Julia Roberts suddenly got an extreme case of elephantitis in the face - SOW

What Gay Al Reynolds sees after he closes his eyes at night - Towleroad

Leighton Meester's face is modeling Xtina's "natural" make-up look - Socialite Life

Janet Jackson should've rang up Candy Finnigan - Popeater

Avril Lavigne's vagina is not slowing down anytime soon - Hollywood Rag

Somebody stick a block of wood in Chris Brown's mouth already - Holy Moly!

RiRi's alien powers are stronger than we thought, because she can shrink her head on command - ICYDK

If only RiRi could've used her powers to make her dress longer, or her crotch higher - Cityrag

Sofia Vergara was on The View today and they got to talking about how young she looks for having an 18-year-old son. Sofia joked that she had him when she was 13 after she was raped (in real-life Sofia's son is 17 and she had him when she was 20).

Now, usually when the word "rape" comes up on daytime TV, the lights go down, the studio audience is shuttled out the exit door and Diane Sawyer comes out to ask some "serious" questions. But most The View hens and the audience just laughed away. Well, all of them except for Whoopi Goldberg, who was probably thinking to herself, "But was it RAPE-RAPE?"

via Jezebel

Yes, this video of Sidney the "domesticated" baby otter playing around like a newborn kitten made me weak in the soul and lukewarm (as opposed to ice cold) in the heart, but then I got to thinking about the family of otters I once watched viciously attack each other. Shit was REAL.

Seriously, otters look like they are full of rainbows and heart-shaped kisses, but they will bite your nostril off for the last fish eye. They would.

That being said, I guess micro pigs are out and baby otters are in. You know Pararsite Hilton will have one of these by the end of the week. It will end in tears when her new pet otter gobbles up all her beloved coochie crustaceans.

Source: Buzzfeed via Best Week Ever