Hooray! Suri Cruise has graduated from the bottle. At lunch yesterday, Suri, being the elegant lady of the world that she is, sipped from a fancy wine glass. No need to place a call to CPS, because Suri wasn't drinking wine. Wine messes with her stomach and makes her all Kathie Lee Gifford-like. Suri was just sipping on a little gin with a splash of soda. It's all fine.

Here's more of Suri with her two slaves, Stepford Katie and Isabella, lunching and shopping in NYC yesterday afternoon.

ABC says they received over 1,500 calls from hos complaining about Glamberace getting a crotch full of man face during his performance on the AMAs last night. They would have gotten even more complaints, but ABC washed the faux beej away for the West Coast feed. They also edited JLo's mega ass becoming one with the floor. If I was on the West Coast, I'd send ABC hate mail for keeping me from the best parts of that caca fiesta.

Access Hollywood (via UsWeekly) asked Glamberace what he thought about ABC cutting the man-on-peen action out of his performance for the West Coast viewers. Glamberace cried "Discrimination!" He said, "You know honestly, if I offended some people... it's apples and oranges. I'm not an artist that does things for every single person. I believe in artistic freedom and expression, I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song, and those lyrics aren't really for everybody either. There's a big double standard, female pop artists have been doing things provocative like that for years, and the fact that I'm a male, and I'll be edited and discriminated against could be a problem. People are scared and it's really sad, I just wish people could open their minds up and enjoy things, it's all for a laugh, it's really not that big of a deal."

What does Glamberace expect? This is ABC we're talking about. ABC is a family network owned by Disney. And Disney is the upholder of all things moral. They have a pristine reputation they need to look after. I mean, just look at Miley Cyrus.... Oh, wait......

I take it all back. FUCK YOU, ABC! You fake blow job haters!

Would you motorboat? - Towleroad

And on the other side of the chichis coin.... - Lainey Gossip

Sofia Vergara's sausage strap had its work cut out for it - Hollywood Tuna

The Photoshop Awards: Clauda Schiffer, Helena Christensen and Eva Herzigova get nekkid - Egotastic!

Scrap The Photoshop Award above, because this right here deserves dozens of awards - I'm Not Obsessed

What in the Yummy Mummy hell? - Just Jared

In the words of Tommy Cooze: "Nicole girl, that dress is wearing YOU!" - Popsugar

Shakira looks hot (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

I REFUSE to believe this - Celebitchy

Kitson wants Lindsay Lohan's cookie - Hollywood Rag

This will singe your retinas - Holy Moly!

Oh, so THAT'S who Keenan Thompson reminds me of - Cityrag

News you can queef to: Eva Longwhoria only fucks on the weekend - ICYDK

The Howling is the latest classic to be sent to the butcher - SOW

Jermaine Jackson should let his clay head dry thoroughly before he leaves the house - Socialite Life

(Thanks Dan)

There was a full moon in Chicago last night courtesy of the Bears' wide receiver Devin Hester. Just because he's the wide receiver, doesn't mean any bitch can rip his pants off without asking. DAMN! Romance him a little first by flicking at his nipple or blowing him air kisses. You can't just go around pantsing people without getting an invitation first. Well, unless the pantser's name is Anderson Cooper and the panstee is yours truly. That is the only exception.

In other news, Gay Al Reynolds just announced that he's going to try out for the Chicago Bears next season.

After the jump, is a closer look at Devin's nalgas. Tild your head to the left to see it smiling at you! JUMP!

When pigs fly....they land on Paula Deen's face! Unfortunately, this video doesn't embed (UPDATE: clip above), so you'll have to click on over to watch Paula Deen get hit in the face with a rogue ham. This brings new meaning to the phrase, "Bitch got hit with the swine flu."

While tossing turkeys and hams at an event for the Hosea Feed the Hungry in Savannah, GA, one of the hams busted into Paula's face. Afterwards, Paula was able to laugh about the whole thing, but she was probably a little embarrassed that she didn't catch the ham with her mouth mid-air.

And after all those years of Paula Deen slathering hams with butter, one of them finally fought back for hams everywhere! HAM UPRISING! That ham better clean out its mailbox, because it's about to get a million thank you baskets and medals.

via CBS Atlanta
(Thanks Mark)

Lady CaCa is really trying hard to stay at the top of her tuck game! Homegirl is getting inventive and shit. At last night's AMAs, she tried out a new dick tucking prototype that looked like shorty chaps made out of Ace bandages. It still needs a few tweaks, but at least a tip or a nut didn't pop out. She's well on her way to becoming the greatest tucker who ever tucked.

While I was applauding Lady CaCa's acts of tuckery, Mimi was probably crying a million butterfly-shaped tears on her Hello Kitty body pillow. At first glance, it looks like Lady CaCa is wearing the skeleton of a sparkly alien unicorn!

And in case you missed it, here's Lady CaCa breaking bottles and dancing around like a special needs Velociraptor during her performance of Bad Romance/Speechless.

Amy Wino is returning to the bad shit. And I'm not talking about the kind of stuff that makes a drug-sniffing dog get lipstick. I'm talking about Blaaaaaaake's scab-covered peen! Although, I'm sure a drug-sniffing dog might bust out the Maybelline for Blaaaaake's...... Okay, okay, I see the line...and I can hear your dry heaves.

So, The News of The World is saying that Wino and Blaaaaaaake will make every drug dealer's dreams come true by getting married for a second time. Wino and Blaaaake realized getting a divorce was a major mistake. One of Blaaaake's friends claim that he told them, "We both know we've only ever been divorced on paper. This is the right thing to do. We've been talking on the phone five or six times a day. We'd changed our status to married on Facebook a couple of weeks back but that was more of a laugh. This is the real deal. She told me she wanted to get married again. I feel so happy."

The methadone clinic version of Romeo & Juliet will be husband and wife again this February. Blaaaaake also claims that he's keeping his war zone genitals to himself until he's back with Wino.

Wino's head can't be without its crackhive, her feet can't be without her gutter-soaked ballet slippers, so it makes sense that her vagina can't be without Blaaaaake's crack pipe peen.

Dr. Drew really needs to have a long talk with Wino's snatch to figure out why the hell it just can't stop smoking on Blaaaaake's dick.

Look at this adorable puppy. Don't you just want to have him surgically attached to your heart so that he never ever leaves you? Well, his owner, Kate Beckinsale, doesn't feel the same way, because she left him in her car for hours while she went to get her hair done. That's what the paps claim anyway.

They say that while Kate was inside the Byron Tracy Salon in L.A., her dog sat in the car with all the windows up and without water. Kate must have learned that trick from reading "How to Care For Your New Puppy by Michael Vick (with foreword by Cruella de Vil)".

If this is true, then why would bitches just standing around while the puppy baked in the damn sun?! All they would have to do is scream, "PUPPEH ABUZE," and Annemarie Lucas from Animal Precinct would've parachuted in to take care of this situation. Annemarie would've yanked Kate out of the salon, threw her into the car and forced her to stay in there while her puppy enjoyed a loooooooong day of beauty inside the salon.

Katie Price (seen here trying to stop her brain from escaping out of her mouth) has quit I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here after she was nominated to compete in a challenge for the 7th time in a row! I guess the people of Britain just can't get enough of seeing her swallow snail jizz during challenges. Sucio bitches.

Before Katie stormed out of the jungle, she begged the voting public not to force her to compete again. Katie already had to chew on fried flies and said she couldn't do it anymore. Well, ask and you shall not receive!

Once Katie was told that she would have to eat nasty shit again, she told the producers that she wanted out. According to The Sun, Katie told them, "I can't do another trial. I'm walking. There's only so much c*** one person can take. The way I've been treated on the show by the viewers, you'd think I was the most hated woman in Britain."

If that censored word was on Wheel of Fortune, I'd guess that it was "crap" and not "cock." Because the sentence "There's only so much cock one person can take" could never roll off of Katie's cock-stained tongue. It's impossible.

And the cloud of delusion that is fogging up Katie's eyes might make it hard for her to see the pitchfork-wielding mob camped outside of her house at all times. A lot of people in Britain would rather nibble on Jodie Marsh's cooch crumpet than share two words with Katie Price.

If Katie really wanted to win over the voting public, she should've skipped into the jungle with Harvey Price on her shoulders. Because if you vote against Harvey, a kitten suffers a coronary.