Do you hear that? It's Posh's feet crying out in pain! - A Socialite's Life

Denise Richards' girls smile....sometimes - Celebitchy

Minnie Driver and her Baby Story. Guess what? He looks like a baby - I'm Not Obsessed

Jakey Poo's back door action - ICYDK

Kingston Rossdale plays with the paparazzi - SOW

My kind of ad - Mollygood

Dreamboat Doherty's YouTube tribute to Snagtooth Moss - Holy Moly!

If you were Robert Downey Jr., you would probably be obsessed with touching your own peen too. So it's no surprise that RDJ used to be a chronic tube tugger, but he has sworn off glazing his knuckles after spending so many years of his life having tender and warm moments with himself. Now that he's married, I guess he finds it unnecessary to get off at all, as happens with most enslaved.... I mean, married men. What a sad, sad thing.

He tells Now Magazine, "I was a compulsive, serial masturbator, but it was the best thing I could have been. I utilized that organ and rode it for everything it was worth."

He rode his own organ? What? The fuck? How does that work exactly? Does he give private lessons on how to ride your own again?

And what dude hasn't been obsessed with doing sexy times to themselves? When you learn the joys of driving stick shift, you really can't stop......until your peen goes raw and you start dry cumming.

RDJ goes on to say that he's outgrown the urge to purge his testicles and "It’s no longer a motivating factor for me. My union with Susan is sacred. Almost always, guys want to get laid. They have a girlfriend, they want to fuck her friend. But I’m not that guy."

This I don't understand. Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't squeeze the sausage every now and again. Shit. Most married bitches probably get more action from their five little skin friends than from the ho their married to.

RDJ, if you need help getting back on the jack off wagon, look me up in the Yellow Pages. Seriously. I'm listed in the Yellow Pages under "Hand Job Coaches."

Tommy Girl took his raggedy beard out for dinner last night in NYC when he came to the rescue of some fallen pap. You thought Angie Jo was the only saint currently in Manhattan? Wrong! Tommy cares about the little people. I mean that literally. That pap is just a tiny thing. That must have made Tommy feel like a real top for once.

Please. You know that whole shit was staged. He's probably going to save a pussy in a tree tomorrow. Scratch that. Tommy doesn't get near real pussy if he can help it.

It doesn't look like Tommy let Stepford Katie in on the plan, because she looks like her system is about to crash. She hasn't been programmed to deal with situations like this.

Wait... I just realized. Where is Suri?! Did Tommy actually give her the night off?! Naw. She's probably back at the alien headquarters washing Tommy's girdles.

If you ever think you have it really fucking bad, just think of the Crackie of Camden's nose. That nose has been through some tough shit and it's about to call it a day! Fox News reports that Amy Wino's nose is thisclose to standing up and screaming, "I quit this bitch!" A friend of Wino's says that she's worried about her nose.

The friend said, “Amy knows that her nose is next to fall apart — she admitted to me that it feels weak at the bone." When Wino was told her nose is looking wrecked, she said, "Yeah, it’s a problem, but it’s my problem so leave it. With that she fell against the DJ stand and seemed to fall asleep.”

I don't blame her nose. It's probably sick of being used like a damn Dirt Devil. Wino's nose has more residual white shit dripping out of it than Gay Al Reynold's ass at a gay pride orgy. The inside of her nose probably looks like a bomb site. But honestly, Wino has bigger shit to worry about than her nose busting out of there. She needs to worry about her fucking organs calling in sick one day.

It's a dreary fucking day and about to rain, but I still have the sudden urge to brave the nasty weather and go motorboating! It has everything to do with Salma Hayek's magnificent chichis! Damn. I didn't expect to see those things this morning. I usually take my coffee with just sugar, but I'll have a little leche today.

It's like seeing the Grand Canyon. I know it's real, but it's a little too spectacular to believe. These are chichis that can save the world!

I know I'm gayer than two pink unicorns doing the Macarena at the Rainbow Disco, but I just want to curl up in those things. It's warm and safe in there. The world is falling apart, but everything is alright in between Salma's wondrous titties.

Here's more of Salma on the German show "Wetten Dass" giving Swiss Miss a run for her money. Seriously, Salma's chichis should replace that bitch as the new "face" of Swiss Miss. Even Karl Lagerfeld is having trouble resisting the urge to take the old motor boat out.

Ghet-tow - stuckatseven

Runners-up:

"...and by golly, first California sanctions same-sex marriages, and before ya know it, those gosh-darned liberals legalize retroactive abortion." - TheSeventhBrady

Looks like we have ourselves a Slovakian convoy, good buddy, 10-4. - El Bastardo

Thanks Jeeves

Jamie Walters - This bitch is best known as Ray, Donna's angry boyfriend from "90210," but I remember his ass from that mega shit show "The Heights." That show lasted about 5 minutes. Yesterday, I got that stupid fucking song in my head and it won't go away. I'm sharing my pain:

Britt Ekland (66)
Olivia Thirlby (22)
Jeremy Sisto (34)
Ioan Gruffudd (35)
Amy Jo Johnson (38)
Matthew Sweet (44)
Elisabeth Shue (45)

Mimi hosted a night at Bank at the Bellagio in Las Vegas last night and most likely spent the entire night standing and holding her breath for dear life. Don't worry. I'm sure her toy husband was waiting in the back with an oxygen tank just in case she needed a breath of air. I doubt she did. Mimi is a professional "sucker-inner."

I love how she didn't take her hands off of her waist once. She was probably thinking about the safety of others. If she let go, a large army of Spanx would have burst forth and dozens of innocent people could have been caught in the crossfire. Mimi cares!

Suri Cruise is the hardest working celebrity trophy baby in the game. I realize that it's in her contract to be Tommy Girl's accessory and escort his midget ass wherever he goes, but damn. Homegirl looks spent. If she keeps it up, she'll have to check into rehab for exhaustion. She needs a few Calgon moments.

Suri was dragged to dinner in NYC last night by Tommy Girl. His kids with Nicole Kidman, Connor and Isabella, were also forced to go. I'm sure it's in there contracts too.

Have you noticed that anyone who spends too much time around Tommy Girl starts to look a lot older than they really are. He sucks the damn youth right out of you. Connor and Isabella look practically middle-aged. Suri's going to be looking like a teenager next week.