This Explains Everything

In Sammy Hagar's new memoir Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock, writes about almost everything from Van Halen's drug days to the "sex tents" under the stage. But one thing Sammy doesn't really get into in his book is how aliens once abducted, probed and downloaded something into his head. This is what happens when you drunkenly stumble into a Scientology glory hole with your pants around your ankles. NO! Sammy Haggard says this really happened. Sammy's co-writer wouldn't let him get into the alien fuckery in his book, but he did tell the story to MTV Hive.

Put on your tin foil hats and get into this! If you don't want to mess up your hair, put on your tin foil genital hats and get into this!

Okay, let’s just cut to the chase. I’m just going to come out and ask it. Have you ever been abducted by aliens?
I think I have.

What? Really? I was kidding. You seriously believe that?
[Laughs.] Now you’re making me sound like a crazy person.

How is that crazy? I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened to you.
Remember the story in the book, where I have a dream about being contacted by aliens in the foothills above Fontana?

Yeah, yeah, I’ve got the page right here. “I saw a ship and two creatures inside of this ship… And they were connected to me, tapped into my mind through some kind of mysterious wireless connection.” You’re telling me that wasn’t a dream?
That’s right. It was real. [Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren’t even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, “Fuck, they downloaded something into me!” Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. “See what this guy knows.”

And this actually happened?
That happened. That friggin’ happened, I’ll tell you right now. Another thing happened when I was about four that I didn’t put into the book. One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels. We lived out in the country and I saw this thing floating across a field, creating this big dust storm. I threw rocks at it and shit. And I don’t know what happened after that.

You blacked out?
I guess. I just have no memory of it. And that wasn’t a dream. It was during daylight.

I can understand your apprehension. Alien abduction is a tough sell.
Especially back a few decades ago, when this stuff happened to me. I couldn’t talk about it because I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t understand the technology. But now I’m pretty sure it was a wireless situation. Either a download or upload. They were tapped into my brain and the knowledge was transferred back and forth. I could see them and everything while it was happening. There was a visual involved, almost like … I don’t know. [Laughs.] Don’t get me going!

Sammy better look outside his window, because Shelley Duvall is parked on his driveway and using her car's headlights to blink out the message "I Nanu Nanu You" in Morse code.

I ate at one of Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo restaurants before and afterward I felt like my ass was about to give birth to an alien, so this does make sense. But Sammy still has nothing to worry about. When the aliens tried to connect to his brain wirelessly they kept getting a request timeout error and so they moved on. No knowledge was transferred!

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by TrashyWilma on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 8:56pm.

This is way more interesting than anything my coworkers have to say, any FB update about another damn kid's birthday party, or pretty much 95% of my bleak, gray life.

Preach, Sammy. I'll listen.

Submitted by hotpocket on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 8:19pm.

So this is how the aliens plan to take us down, by turning people Republican. I think they got my daddy too, bastards.

I wasn't pleased when VanHalen turned into VanHagar. Whenever I see this dude's mug, I think of Mexican-borne skin cancer, overpriced tequila and that Crystal Pepsi commercial.

And I wouldn't fuck this sunburnt piece of frizzy-haired beach jerky in a blackout. Diamond Dave, on the other hand, I would have considered after a shot or two.

Submitted by iHeartHaters on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 7:39pm.

Submitted by MaxThrax on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 7:28pm.
We have artists that sing about other things than transportational regulations.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LMAO^^

FIFTY-FIIIIIIIIVE!!!

~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♥~♦¤♦~♥~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lnRDU4LdZE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t56s4dZ1_rs

WIGS EYES DO SHOW WHEN HER SLOT TALKS OR SOCK STOPS!! OKAY WOW!!

Submitted by becky n sydney on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 6:05pm.

Submitted by joe shmoe on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 5:09pm.
Alien's have visted earth and uploaded stuff from Sammy Hagar's brain?

*picturing aliens poppping popcorn and making bitchy remarks about Sammy and his junk in the "sex tent"

That's it. We're doomed.
///////////////
'sfunny!

.
______________________________
"I still wouldn't..." - Satan

Submitted by becky n sydney on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 6:11pm.

Wow - the aliens had 'wireless' brain tapping machines - they must really be advanced! None of those landline brain tapping devices like the backward aliens that probed me. I feel so cheated.

*edited for alien accuracy
.
______________________________
"I still wouldn't..." - Satan

Submitted by MaxThrax on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 5:58pm.

I hate Sammy Hagar because, a)he's a right winger and b)because he ruined Van Halen. While I do think there's enough declassified military evidence that this isn't really a question anymore, I hate to think there are superior beings up there deciding our fate and this is the motherfucker they're interacting with, seriously, we don't ALL suck. We have artists that sing about other things than transportational regulations.

Submitted by marcusbacus on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 5:55pm.

So many things to download and they get a copy of Panama sung by Sammy.

Submitted by marcusbacus on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 5:53pm.

Cocaine is a helluva drug. Case closed.

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 5:04pm.

...or maybe he just smoked a wee bit too much PCP.

*******************************************************************

"Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee." - Dave Grohl

Submitted by joe shmoe on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 3:39pm.

Alien's have visted earth and uploaded stuff from Sammy Hagar's brain?

*picturing aliens poppping popcorn and making bitchy remarks about Sammy and his junk in the "sex tent"

That's it. We're doomed.

************

Submitted by Rdeadline on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 2:27pm.

Eons ago I heard an interview with Sammy and the other guys in Van Halen that highlighted how funny they are. He's got to have lots of funny stories he told someone who put them together in a book for him to sell.

Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:26pm.

The link to Shelley Duvall makes me sad. I like her.

Submitted by babybunny on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:19pm.

poor Aliens! What a major disappointment, here they had a specimin and the best he could come up with after the upload/download was Cabo Wabo and some cheesey assed songs...I would've just taken him to their planet cause he is not really wanted here...also take Hohan, #winning Sheen, Parasite, Kim Whoretrashian and her ENTIRE family....and leave us humanoids in peace!!!

Submitted by daisy100 on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:16pm.

Why did I think this guy was dead?

Submitted by sinjin on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:39pm.

Submitted by clutching-at-straws on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:14pm.
Submitted by louise_brooks
Sammy- um...that was in the movie Star Wars, only it was in the desert and you were drunk.

LOL. I love how he "threw rocks at it and shit."

_________________________________
Ditto the LOL. The 3rd-worlders threw rocks at them too on Independence Day, non?

***********************************************
"You're ugly and your fucking bag is ugly too."--John Galliano (allegedly)

Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:31pm.

...Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. “See what this guy knows.”
******************************

They must have been pretty disappointed.
Either that or *fingers crossed* they're formulating a plan, right now, to save us! YAY!

♥ Threadkilla!
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
~Arthur Schopenhauer

Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:28pm.

Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:52pm.
But why does he look like Danny Bonaducci now? That's the real question.

Because he can't drive 55.

______________________________________________
"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."

*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-

Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:22pm.

But why does he look like Danny Bonaducci now? That's the real question.

♥ Threadkilla!
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
~Arthur Schopenhauer

Submitted by letinstar on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:09pm.

am i looking at sammy hagar or carrot top...both are equally revolting...
_____________________________________________
i've got the brains, you've got the looks...let's make lots of money...

Submitted by Mento on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:09pm.

I find it arrogant that he thinks that he's so special that the aliens would want to download from him.

Maybe they needed some good tequila drink recipes?

Submitted by christine the hoff on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:00pm.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:21pm.
hoffer's lying, she so would...

LOL, not even with your fine dick.
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and, not a single fuck was given this day.

Submitted by madam s. on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:57am.

I don't know if there's anything sadder than an old dude trying to make his sexual heyday sound interesting or something to be proud of. So you had sex with a bunch of nasty, easy, dumb chicks? Wow, how enviable. And you were drunk and high a lot? What an amazing life you had there, dude. He would have saved a little dignity by writing the book about the alien abduction, instead of this embarrassment.

Submitted by DDT on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:55am.

Umm.... alrightie then.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:54am.

Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:23pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:22pm.

pop-up book?

Soon to be made into a 3D movie.
--------------------

LOL DILDO IN YO FACE!!

*buys tickets in advance*
_____________________________________________
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one

Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:53am.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:22pm.

pop-up book?

Soon to be made into a 3D movie.

______________________________________________
"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."

*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-

Submitted by Morbidosity on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:52am.

DAMN... I LOVE this crazy, sexin hot bitch!! LOVE HIM!!
~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~
If all dogs go to heaven, should Michael Vick be worried about making the cut?

Submitted by crabbyappleton on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:52am.

Crazy old gross man. Oh, yeah, and I still would!

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:52am.

Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:19pm.
Slurpee.. I'm skeered to go in that forum. They be mean to M.E. I'll stick with the posts in here.

I think I should write about my escapades as a dirtywhore.
------------------------

pop-up book?
_____________________________________________
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:51am.

hoffer's lying, she so would...
_____________________________________________
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one

Submitted by Noir Easter on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:50am.

Seriously, if this clown was abducted (and not instead on drugs, hallucinating or being pranked ala the Brady boy's clothesline ghost) he'd have a little (lot) more details than "yeah, it happened".

I saw something before (no contact, touching or probings unfortunately) so I know it's not impossible and I know somebody(s) are out there (call me!).

With Sammy though, I think someone pulled a ...
"what's this?" (*shows hand*)
Sammy: I dunno!
"a brain eater, and do you know what it's doing?" (*rubs hand on Sammy's head*)
Sammy: No, what?
... "starving"

Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:49am.

Slurpee.. I'm skeered to go in that forum. They be mean to M.E. I'll stick with the posts in here.

I think I should write about my escapades as a dirtywhore.

______________________________________________
"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."

*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-

Submitted by clutching-at-straws on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:44am.

Submitted by louise_brooks
Sammy- um...that was in the movie Star Wars, only it was in the desert and you were drunk.

LOL. I love how he "threw rocks at it and shit."

Submitted by Slurpee on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:43am.

Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 1:12pm.
Think I could get a book deal? It seems everyone else can.

What would I write about?

____________________________

Your life as a Dlisted.com forum poster.

Submitted by christine the hoff on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:43am.

that is one ugly motherfucker and I don't care how much money he has, I would not let him in my pie box.
-------------------------------------------------

and, not a single fuck was given this day.

Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:42am.

Think I could get a book deal? It seems everyone else can.

What would I write about?

______________________________________________
"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."

*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:38am.

I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY!! (and I know one of his relatives)
_____________________________________________
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one

Submitted by RustyHooligan on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:37am.

This guy's a good rock singer and produces a fine tequila. That's it. The songs he writes, his guitar-playing, and his Cabo club are weak.

Submitted by suckandfuck on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:36am.

This story is a lot better if you replace Sammy Haggar with Dr. Jack N. Hat.

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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.

Submitted by Stoney on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:35am.

OMG jacko! It's not Hagar, it's Duggar!! Explains so much!

_____________________________________________
"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."

Submitted by mbar on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:35am.

The aliens were like, "We need a really large, vacant space. Ope, I think we found it."

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:33am.

He has relatives in AR, so I believe him.
_____________________________________________
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one

Submitted by Fraggle on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:31am.

He should have just cut to the chase and named the book "Sex, Drugs & Anal-Probes".

Rock-n-Roll is so yesteryear.

Submitted by ILovePapaSmurf on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:20am.

Why does everyone try to undersell the Inland Empire? First drugs and now aliens. Geez.
--------------------------------------
"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.

I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."

Submitted by Bjork You on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:27am.

Didn't he perform at the Republican Convention in New Orleans (for the southern delegates)? Perhaps it wasn't his talk about the hurricane and wetlands that rained on the Republicans' convention. Probably Sammy started talking about alien abduction and how, after getting to know them, believes that they, too, should be allowed to marry.

Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:11am.

Submitted by louise_brooks on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:37pm.
One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels.
__________________________________
LMAO reminds me of the barn scene from Back to the Future. "it looks like a airplane, with no wings". "that ain't no airplane, Pa!"
"You space bastard, you killed my pines!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate

Submitted by agirl on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:11am.

Sammy Hagar? Zzzzzzzz.......who cares?

Submitted by Whatever on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:07am.

Sex tents under the stage? Sorry to be mean but the members of Van Halen are not at all good looking.

Submitted by louise_brooks on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:07am.

One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels. We lived out in the country and I saw this thing floating across a field, creating this big dust storm. I threw rocks at it and shit. And I don’t know what happened after that.

Sammy- um...that was in the movie Star Wars, only it was in the desert and you were drunk.

Submitted by Fucking_Classy on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 11:03am.

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:21pm.

Lay off the meth, you fucking irrelevant has-been.
+Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 12:21pm.

Lay off the meth, you fucking irrelevant has-been.
_____________________________________________
My thoughts exactly. I can't fathom how this crock of shit actually got so much tail. I guess some women will fuck anything with fame and money.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.