Another Day, Another Fiery Fist Full Of Charlie Sheen Quotes
If you've got a recording device, Charlie Sheen's got the time. The long-lost crack child of Tony the Tiger and Julian Sands has been putting his crack-scratched vocal cords to work by giving interviews to Today (airing all week), Good Morning America (see previous) and 20/20 (airing Friday). Last night, Charlie sat down across from the British shell that covers Larry King's carcass. When Piers Morgan wasn't chupa-ing on Carlos' warlock anus, he was asking the usual questions (click here for the full interview). But thankfully, Charlie didn't give the usual answers.
How CBS hasn't re-titled Two and a Half Men to Two and a Half Crack Baggies and named Charlie Sheen as their head writer is beyond me. The magic beans that pour out of Charlie's mouth hole make you want to laugh, cry and punch yourself in the brain at the same time. Here's a few quotes from last night's talk with Piers. It's times like this that I miss Larry King (the original warlock), because Charlie would've spent the entire hour trying to seduce him over to the octagon with his Firestarter fists and shit.
And I'm presenting these quotes without context, because it's probably easier to understand that way:
"I have not. No, no. Women are not meant to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed.""There was an incident years ago where everyone thought I hit her. I was trying to contain her. I had her arms and we both went down to the ground. Her initials are B.A., I'll give you that much. I don't want to make the whole thing about her. I felt terrible and delivered her to a plastic surgeon and everybody said I hit her and no.... I feel bad about that one. She was attacking me, though, with, like a, a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her, that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”
"It's been a tsunami of media and I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard."
"The reason it went bad is because I don't do pills. I don't take opiates, I don't do benzos or any of that psychotropic nonsense. I used to [take cocaine]. I've gotta be careful because that's like lawsuits and things that went on. Well, yeah. I'm not taking it. I had to pay for it. Well, um, I hadn't done any for a while, like 7 hours, but I had this hernia thing that was popping out."
"I won't take [pain pills], so I maybe hit the vodka a little too hard to reduce the pain."
"That was an old brain, I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That's how I describe myself."
"And then it was like, 'You must let me impose my will on your face.' And it was like, woah dude."
"I was joking about being underpaid but to come back for a 10th season... Eh, that's all negotiable. You can't talk about this stuff on television. I don't know. I was on crack. Where's Dr. Drew when you need him?"
How fucking damn irresponsible of Gnarly Sheen! How dare he?! The surgeon general has already warned us that Charlie's boogers are considered an illegal substance and a stimulant not unlike meth. Great. Lock down the grade schools before Parasite Hilton starts snorting on the nostrils of second graders. If 50% of 7-year-olds contract HVP warts in their nasal cavities, it's all Charlie's fault!
And here's a clip of Charlie and his goddesses:
I knew Bree Olson was THAT KIND! You know, that kind of shifty ho who always keeps her bomber jacket on indoors. They're always ready to steal your shrimp forks and run out of there. You can't trust a bitch who refuses to take off her bomber jacket. Although, if I was one of Charlie's goddesses, I'd keep my bomber jacket on too....even during hugging and caressing sessions.
By the way, I think we finally found a face that is too meth-ey for the Faces of Meth poster.
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I wonder how much he pays those hoes to live with him.
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Favourite quote:
Bipolar? I'm not bipolar. The earth is bipolar!
I can't read, hear or write anymore about this bullshit cause it keeps feeding that dark evil nasty force that this fucktard obviously feeds off of...but all I can say is if those are "godesses" then I am Ms. America, Universe, Teen U.S.A., Ford Model, SI Model, Victoria's SEcret all rolled into one. Those are some beyond butt ugly bitches.
"She was attacking me, though, with, like a, a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her, that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”
............."Well, um, I hadn't done any for a while, like 7 hours ..................
Wow Charlie-thats some impressive sobriety there!
This is the Shakespeare of crackie talk.....I am pissing myself with laughter!
You know,Charlie Sheen was starting to really piss me off with his bullshit but since crackie is out of work he's become very entertaining with his psychotic babble!
"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"
Way to grind that jaw during the beginning segment, Goddess to the left! You've helped to convince us all that nothing shady is going on over there. Nope. Nothing at all. Move along people.
Seriously, if he still has those kids tomorrow, I will have lost all hope for "the system", not that I had much to begin with.
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"And people try to tell me that God wasn't high on the good shit when he made this place" -by angel_i
I feel bad for this man. He is broke the fuck down and covering s shit ton of pain.
Hard to see a grown ass man, a father, in this state. And I will pray for his beautiful children.
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I like living this way. I like loving this way.
Agreed with KA. I just felt sad watching those Today videos. No love, no light, just darkness. Don't do hard drugs childrens, they age you and rob you of your looks, your sanity and appreciation of the truly beautiful things in this world.
carlos is crazy,, all sorts of crazy, he rants the way I write , and sometimes I cannot even understand my writing
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"I think egg boiling is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I can make a tiramisu anytime you want."Catherine Zeta Jones
Dayum! That bitch Charlie Sheen looks old as hell! He could pass as Hugh Hefner's twin bro in that Today Show clip. Livin' large is taking its toll on his body and mind. He's a bat-shit crazy, gnarled old gnome.
He reminds me of the homeless people that hang out on benches and talk to themselves.
Oh no, I know they are all skeevy! And I stand corrected its Brooke's kids. Whatever. This is a goddamned three ring circus. WON"T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!?
Holy hell but Charlie has the major meth face now.
Sensen,
I hear you, but let me tell you hon, Denise is not saint. She's got her dark shit. Brooke too.
Really, I feel serious sads for what those kids will have to face. Only the strong will survive this mess, and who knows who will come out of this. =/
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"Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep insights can be winnowed from deep nonsense. Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." - Carl Sagan
Imma little late on this but if I was Denise those fucking bitches Charlie included would get the beat down of their fucking lives. No, wait.... Fuck that, I have enough commonsense to not leave my kids with THEIR CRACK HEAD FATHER AND PORN STARS. WTF is wrong with these people!?!?!?!?!?
I think his last drug binge has fried his brain and the crazy slipped out and now it wont go back in.
Axis I: Bipolar I Disorder, most recent episode manic, severe, w/ psychotic features.
While a part of me is entertained by all this, a bigger part of me feels kind of gross that we're watching someone who's in all likelihood mentally ill and not medicated, writing letters, calling radio shows and making the rounds w/ these smirking journalists on the Today Show, etc. Obviously he's orchestrated it all but anyone with a clue knows he's not well.
AND Brooke just got a temporary restraining order against him...cue the epic custody battle and ensuing mudslinging without a thought for the kids. How many restraining orders has she gotten against him ? She ALWAYS goes back to him...
Submitted by Ninne on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 7:45pm.
I thought his twitter acct was
http://twitter.com/#!/ChuckSheen
Unless he just opened another one? I've been following him since 2009. Mind you he hasn't posted anything since 2009..
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Don't know - just read that he now has a verified account.
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“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” - Gandhi
I thought his twitter acct was
http://twitter.com/#!/ChuckSheen
Unless he just opened another one? I've been following him since 2009. Mind you he hasn't posted anything since 2009..
Ah, remember how we all used to laugh at Kayne's crazy quotes, like the time he lamented about how uncomfortable his fur pillow was?
I didn't think it was possible, but Charlie Sheen is even more hilarious.
As of today, Sheen has a verified twitter account and already has 156,000 followers although he hasn't posted anything yet.
http://twitter.com/charliesheen
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“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” - Gandhi
Midlife crisis time...bad Charlie...bad.
1. He says life is a bore.
2. He is thinking about (or already) having an affair.
3. He is suddenly making impetuous decisions about money and/or his career.
4. He makes a dramatic change in his personal style or appearance and is suddenly spending lots of time in front of a mirror.
5. He has little interest in spending time (or having sex) with you.
6. He is drinking too much or abusing other substances.
7. He is displaying the classic signs of depression -- sleeping more, loss of appetite, malaise.
8. He is overly nostalgic and constantly reminiscing about his youth or his first love.
Read More http://www.ivillage.com/8-warning-signs-your-man-having-midlife-crisis/4...
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I didn't realize that Carlos has two other siblings, besides Emilio. They, through nepotism (like Carlos), have done some acting.
Carlos doesn't seem to realize that if his father wasn't "Martin Sheen", he would probably be a manager of a grocery store - ok, maybe a nightclub.
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“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” - Gandhi
Denise doesn't talk much about Charlie cause she needs his moola, just like the rest of them. Moola talks.
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Visit my husband's webcomic DUNGEON HORDES at http://www.drunkduck.com/dungeon_hordes
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Charlie should definitely become a Scientologist. He's on the path of replacing L Ron Hubbard in the writing department.
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Visit my husband's webcomic DUNGEON HORDES at http://www.drunkduck.com/dungeon_hordes
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Wait a fuckin' moment....he's STILL got custody of his kids? And lets pornstars cater to him and his kids like he's fucking Hugh Hefner?
I'm surprised that Denise hasn't spoken out yet since she's one of Hollywood's biggest attention whores.
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If you shoved a vuvuzela into a dog's ass and asked him to fart into a fan, the sound he produces would be more pleasant to the ears than this shit! - Michael K
I need a statement from his first wife, Donna Peele.
As I recall, she peeled out of there about 3 months into the marriage and hasn't been seen or heard from since...
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"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Marjorie Ingall
Doesn't Gaddafi roll with some goddesses too?
Submitted by Tyroan on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 4:05pm.
Charlie Sheen WINNING soundboard
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LMAO - I think we have a new mood killer/form of birth control.
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"Wipe that face off your head, bitch!"
This is obvious mental illness at its finest.
The guy needs HELP and not have his CHILDREN in the home when he's so obviously manic.
Submitted by yepyepyep: "now everything Denise said about not leaving her kids with him make complete sense,"
I feel bad for doubting her and taking his side when all that shit went down, but now I see.
As with all addicts, I have a feeling he is medicating some serious emotional/psychological shit that he just can't deal with. That is what makes me sad.
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I think he's bipolar.
Where is CPS? I guess because he has nannies, they figure kids are not endangered.
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'' The Master would not approve! ''
On the one hand, this is hysterical. On the other, I feel guilty laughing at obvious mental illness.
Put down your sword and come join the winners!
There is something wrong with ALL of them including the reporter.
I've been watching watching you watching me... Loose Ends
Wait, he had that porn star who wasn't smart enough to make him wear a condom raising his children??? What do the mothers have to say about this? Granted, the mothers aren't quality human beings either, but what the fuck, man.
Submitted by fishsticksfan on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 4:43pm.
Did we figure out who B.A. is?
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Probably this one:
5/21/97: Charged with misdemeanor battery against his ex-girlfriend Brittany Ashland.
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"I'd hate to have to go around thinking of health & shit like that." Keith Richards, 1997
Did we figure out who B.A. is?
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"I'm not wishing to make this about me, but..." -Jana
Oh no, they attached Charley's cracky head to Hugh Jackson's fabulous ripped body! Sacrilege!!!
Submitted by Tyroan on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 4:05pm.
Charlie Sheen WINNING soundboard
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Thanks for the link--- I touch myself and frown!!! :))
They need to play his interviews in high schools to warn the kids about the dangers of drugs. Accompanied with a montage of Lindsay Lohan's mugshots, of course.
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It's not that serious.
May I add, he is one weather beaten wild eyed bastard?! Sheeeeeiiiiiittttt!
Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON
Cholly, are you trying to make me fall in love?? Am I gonna have to leave my husband and join your stable of hos? Keep it up...you've been warned!
Can I be the official spokesho of WINNING?
Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON
Submitted by SnAtChQuAtCh on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 3:52pm.
Of course those sluts don't judge you...you're PAYING THEM.
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LMMFAO, So true. But they're not "sluts", they're "GODDESSES"!
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"Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."
Charlie Sheen WINNING soundboard
SugarFreeRedBull on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 2:43pm.
Gnarly Sheen: WINNING!
doesn't gnarlie know that those goddesses are probably booking their interview slots for when this falls apart? oh, there will be judgment.
i hate how they are taking over the media though!
I need that Carlos rainbow poster framed and delivered to my home at once! Cost is not a problem...
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i've got the brains, you've got the looks...let's make lots of money...
Of course those sluts don't judge you...you're PAYING THEM.
Submitted by little_rascal on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 3:19pm.
Oh yes, how could I forget Mowgli? So that's three for three. I vote for the wolves! They certainly can't fuck those kids up as expertly as Charlie "Fire-breathing Fists In The Octogon" Sheen.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.