JLo's Greatest Performance Since Bordertown
On last night's American Idol, the judges had to take Chris Medina's dreams, gently place them on the floor and use JLo's double mortar ass to grind them into a fine powder that the producers slathered on Gaycrest's highlights to keep his shit shiny. This was especially hard for JLo to do, because her heart wept when met Chris' wheelchair-bound wife (who suffers from a brain injury) during auditions. After JLo gently told Chris that he will not get the chance to butcher an American classic with the Top 24 in the finals, Chris thanked the judges and graciously left the room. JLo, however, turned that shit on like a casting director was in the room and the bill from her jeweler was due!
JLo broke down the way most of us did after the credits from Gigli came up and we realized what we just spent on our time on. JLo thought about the time she caught a glimpse of Skeletor's naked body under full sunlight and she started to cry as Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson consoled her. JLo was worried that she didn't use the right words and was upset that the hammer of rejection that broke Chris' heart was in her hand. MAKING IT ABOUT YOU: JLo is doing it right!
Once JLo wiped the crocotears from her cheek with a cashmere tissue, she got into her chauffeur-driven Maybach and went back to her $50 million mansion where she slipped on her pajama diamonds and continued her cry fest on a silk pillow stuffed with swan feathers. Meanwhile, Chris got in a shuttle that took him back to his economy room at the Ramada where he got on the phone to tell his family that the chick from Anaconda ate his DREAMS! But POOR YOU, JLo!
Yeah, I know some of you are saying, "But Michael, JLo has the heart of Mother Theresa and when you cry, she cries." "But Michael, JLo is as genuine as the diamonds she wears when she takes a bubble bath in Volvic." "But Michael, JLo means it, but Paula Abdul never did." To which I say, NEVAH! While JLo's manufactured sadness came from a jar of Creme de la Tears, Paula's tears were always real! Yes, Paula's tears were a side effect from injecting morphine directly into her eyelid veins, but they were still real!
via HuffPo
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Submitted by Scott in NYC on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 6:50pm.
The funniest part of this is not just JLo's performance but the comments on here! Hilarious!
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Brace yourself because it's about to get less funny.
I...uh...agree...uh...with Kanderso and Stoney. There. I said it! I hate J.Lo and everything she stands for but she's not annoying on this show. And um....(this is very difficult for me to say)... sometimes she looked very pretty.
The only thing I thing is bullshit about her being judge, is that she can't sing for shit. She's nowhere near a 7 as Randy said on the Jimmy Kimmel Show (more like a three or four. our being decent vocal skills). Maybe I'll find redemption for that last sentence?
Anyway, I ONLY decided to come clean because others had already stated that they surprisingly liked her on the show as well.
Otherwise I would have taken these newfound (and very perplexing)feelings to the grave!
What the hell is JLo channeling some bizarre low rent Rita Hayworth? blah!
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
The funniest part of this is not just JLo's performance but the comments on here! Hilarious! Oh, and the "and meeting Randy Jackson" add-on sentiment was priceless. That show is ridiculous.
JLo REFUSES to let a wheelchair-bound/brain injured woman steal HER spotlight, bitch!
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UPDATE! No-one gives a shit!
-Tourette's Guy
Help Save 26+ Docile Bears Found on B.C. GrowOp
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Help-Save-the-BC-Black-Bears/142183119155489
If you really watch, JLo never shed an actual tear -- dabbing at the eyes was a nice touch.
"...when met Chris' wheelchair-bound wife (who suffers from a brain injury) during auditions."
WTF???? That's what I hate about this BULLSHIT show! A "real" talent doesn't get to go out with the family while pushing new music! Oh here, play my records and come meet the crippled wife and kids... Come on!!! I HATE, HATE, HATE THIS FUCKED UP SHOW AND THE WAY IT'S RUN!!!
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It sounds like I'll need to be drunk, stoned and suffering from a minor concussion to deal with this fuckery. MK - November 2008
Wait!!!!, but if she felt so strong about it???, why she didn't let him stay,????? she is full of shit, seriously, she was thinking in her head,"If I cry, I will become a virgin and my tears will be pearls !!!! but then everybody knew Gigli sucked.She must be auditioning for a major role, and Steve Tyler is giving me the creeps, Yeah I don't watch American idol
she is a mega, ubber bitch and those were crocodile tears , What a Crock!!!!
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Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over. Stewie Griffin
*sniffs*
OMG, that was touching.
*bursts into floods of tears, with copious snot*
*honks into mink hankie*
*hands hankie to Steven Tyler*
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"I'd hate to have to go around thinking of health & shit like that." Keith Richards, 1997
I couldn't watch it after the dude left the room...I was about to barf with JHO's phoniness...
I prefer her being the mega bitch that we all know she is and yeah whoever said it-she must be patting herself on the back and looking for her Oscar this morning...
I watched AI for the first time a bit last night and I just about choked with laughter at her critiquing the contestants-as we all know-when she starts singing without the aid of autotune-it sets all the dogs off in the neighborhood...
Steven Tyler can really sing and besides that he's reminding me of Paula-they could have pooled their vicodin-would have been awesome!
"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"
Submitted by Callie on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 11:21am.
If she cared so much about his future, why didn't she give him the tacky ring on her finger?
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The way her career has been the last five years, it's probably a CZ.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
I love these three judges together. I watch just for them. Best ever! Steven cracks me up with how in to everything he is, and well, JLo cracks me up when she critiques people's singing, because, well, we all know she's not the strongest singer. I may be a fool, but I thought her tears were genuine. I would have found it hard to cut that guy, too.
JBot has reached a new level. Science is amazing! More funding, please!
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.
I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."
Give me a motherfucking break! This guy is too much! That crying tranny is too much! Why the fuck did they eat up his sob story with a spoon anyway? He keeps trotting that bitch, excuse me, wheeling that bitch out for sympathy points; fucking pathetic. And fuck J.Lo for trying to fool our asses with her crying. Let's not forget, she has worn many hats and the one she wore moderately well was as an actress. I don't buy it. This ship is sinking quicker than BigLove. God damn!
I had watched some special about her running her clothing line business (or something like that)and there was a part where she was on the phone with one of her employees who she had asked to perform some task. Well it didnt get done and the employee blamed the receptionist saying they had given that task to her to do and JLo was NOT having it. She told the person that she had given HIM that task to do and he was not to push his duties off on someone else and lay blame with them.
I fucking loved her for that. As someone who has worked in offices for over 10 years and dealt with shithead higher ups pushing off work and/or blaming the people "lower down" for their own mistakes knowing that the people under them cant do shit about it, it felt great to see a boss lay the smack down on some trying to pull that crap.
Submitted by Stoney on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 12:44pm.
Idol is kinda making me like JLo.
*turns in dlisted card*
*hides*
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We still love you Stoney but did you take your meds today? LOL
OMG Steven Tyler grosses me out so much with all the leering at contestants. I like how JLo is all business and takes the lead when they are making cuts even though Randy has been there since the beginning.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
jlo producing tears on q...you know in her mind she's saying, "scene and CUT"...
wouldn't be surprised if she submitted her tears to the oscars for consideration...
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i've got the brains, you've got the looks...let's make lots of money...
Oh, and I almost peed my pants when one of the contestants said she loved J Lo when she was a Fly Girl on In Living Color. Princess Superstar J Lo did not seem pleased to be reliving that humble-ish part of her life.
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"Hooooooty who give an eff about Haiti?! I don't! BAM!" - MK as Taylor Momsen
J Lo generally takes Randy's old spot, being semi-nice most of the time with some occasional bitchiness and occasional big-heartedness.
Randy is the new Simon - probably out of necessity because nobody else is telling these jokers they suck.
Steven Tyler is definitely the new Paula. He hilariously gets into the performances, seems off in his own little world 90% of the time, and complements almost everyone. Except one of the last days of the initial auditions where he decided to be a bitch to everyone. I think he was off his meds that day.
I love this damn show (I know, that makes me an asshole), and I think these three gel pretty well together as judges. I am way less annoyed by J Lo than I thought I would be. She actually has done a decent job with the judging.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*"Hooooooty who give an eff about Haiti?! I don't! BAM!" - MK as Taylor Momsen
these people are all so fake. I just wish Ryan Seacrest could have been there, especially in the shot where the dude started making out with Steven Tyler.
I love how they all tell him "don't stop! Oh, don't stop!" when they are saying, "But just don't do it here anymore..."
http://burning-plastic.tumblr.com/
Submitted by Secret Original on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 12:25pm.
I like how he tags on "and meeting Randy Jackson" to the greatest moment in his wife's life, which was already pathetic enough
YES, that was nice. Randy caught it too.
Idol is kinda making me like JLo.
*turns in dlisted card*
*hides*
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Fucking bitch shouldn't be a judge in any music related competition. Bitch can't sing. Can someone explain this to me?
*** what goes down, must come up ***
what i hate the most in these type of talent shows is the exploitation of famewhores and weirdos for our entertainment so we can laugh at their expense.Greek versions of these shows have become masters in this fuckery.
Bitch, Please....
If she was so moved, she'd move her hand into her checkbook and
write him a check so he can take care of his wife without another financial worry or she could go sign him herself under whatever label is stupid enuff to have her enormous ass.
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"I love fast and I love hard."-MK
"This is why I'm a cold bitter bitch, because once you let love into your heart, it will go away."-MK and the majority of dlisted
I like how he tags on "and meeting Randy Jackson" to the greatest moment in his wife's life, which was already pathetic enough.
I remember RuPaul having to chose between Ongina and BeeBee in the bottom two with a lipsync for their lives. There was drama! There was pathos! I've never seen Ru clutching her pearls so tightly. Brain injured wife in wheelchair oh how tragic. Not for my viewing pleasure for sure.
I am definitely NOT the biggest JLo fan by any stretch of the imagination, but compared to other pop tricks in the game she is more talented than half of them. I respect her because she works hard because she IS mediocre in everything she does, but at least she makes the effort to fail...
instead of lip-syncing her way through song after song
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
you just know she was watching this shit last night, patting herself on the back and wondering why she doesn't have an Oscar by now.
I don't want to draw this out. I'll always remember this video as a highlight of my life.
http://soundcloud.com/burning_plastic
http://twitter.com/#!/burning_plastic
I love how all us Dlisters hate her and agree the bullshit stories must end
snowy, the second comment was one of HER friends, not mine!
as far as the 1st comment, i love her to pieces, but she has never been the sharpest knife in the drawer. :)
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One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one
-Three Dog Night
Submitted by Fucking_Classy on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 11:51am.
Gotta love the sad piano playing in the background.
Heh. I liked the subtle shift to "Jaws" music as J.ell-o concluded basting that guy with pre-slaughter compliments:
"And so it breaks my corazon to tell you…"
*duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn…*
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I've got maple syrup on my table so I'm good.
Why is she famous? She can't sing, she can't dance, and she's fug. I'm sick of everyone pretending like big asses are cute. They're not, especially when they weigh more than a small school aged child.
Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 11:38am.
Sorry, call me cold hearted but as soon as I see some person all fucked up being wheeled out on the floor I'm otta there, sorry about your cards in life pal but entertainment it AINT
No comments necessary:
Robert Wyatt on Top of the Pops 1974
Oh J-low. Could you be any more fake? That shitty performance made my stomach turn. Smudging your makeup around and flashing your diamonds. As a person w/ disabled family members, I have to say your fake tears were extremely patronizing.
And as a Latina, I have to say, go away, forever! U make me ill!
This bitch....those tears are as fake as her. I absolutely hate her. AI has completely gone down the shitter
It's never been about the talent on AI, the masses love being manipulated.
*looks up previews for Shedding for the Wedding*
Bruhhhh-THURRRR.
I see J.ell-o is morphing into Loni Anderson. By this time next year she will look like Naomi Watts. (And still be playing the Latina card when useful.)
Who the hell is that Randy Jackson person? That's not THE Randy Jackson, of Michael fame, is it? What a clinically dead chunk of barnacles he is.
I've never watched this show, not even by accident, and yet I can't avoid knowing of its existence, can't seem to escape its deleterious effects, despite heroic efforts. It's like smog, or mold. HOW DO THEY DO IT?
Joe Perry was right: Steven Tyler negates his entire career by appearing on this dreck, and he was never that great in the first place. Suddenly he seems to "belong" to a world inhabited by things like J.ell-o and irrelevant Jacksons. No going back now, Steve.
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I've got maple syrup on my table so I'm good.
Gotta love the sad piano playing in the background. This shit is faker than a 3 dollar bill, and yet people fall for it, unfuckingbelievable.
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"Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 11:31am.
a muscular maiden only a rubber toy could love.
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olloolo muscular female WARRIOR
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Somewhat Bitter: I would have, but, you know, don't want to ruin my good shirt...
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"Two whores don't make a right"-- M.K.
"Any guy who values stick thin and young over smarts and personality isn't worth it and has NOTHING interesting to say anyway."-- Mrs. Kravitz
I agree with all of you saying the bullshit sob stories have to end. All of us have been through our fair share of shit in our lives, so why should we care about their dumb-ass stories? I do miss Simon, though, he was the voice of reason and didn't give a shit whether someone had a sob story or not.
Those Hollyweird cunts should read MK's words of wisdom DAILY, dude can inject a healthy dose of REALITY in those twats like no one else can!
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"Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."
What the fuck is wrong with America?
Not one of you people have even TRIED to stab Jennifer Lopez!
How can you resist? My stabbing hand would be on auto as soon as she opened her fake, patronizing cunt-assed mouth. Gawd I hate her!
by snowpiece on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 11:34am.
Noir Easter OMG that cracked out bitch needs help, I said she needs to end up on DR Phil!
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And we all know what great source of help he was to Fucked Up Family's druggie daughter Alexandra and Golden Voice..
*wink*
Hasn't time told the tale of all these idols and models and survivors that it's all just a flash in the pan? Yet somehow people keep getting sucked into edited drama. I don't get the appeal. At all.
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Oh and fuckay vous. - Ophelias evil twin
PSL those are YOUR friends, LOL @ least I have a sense of irony about the show :P
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"Rawb looks a little BUTTERY!!" Jacko 2/16/11
Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 11:38am.
They shouldn't even be allowed to HAVE background stories. People watch this piece of shit show to be entertained and escape not to be reminded of how fucked some poor people are and how shitty this world can be. Sad story...fuckin A it is..Do I need to (or want to) know about said sad story..Hell no.
Sorry, call me cold hearted but as soon as I see some person all fucked up being wheeled out on the floor I'm otta there, sorry about your cards in life pal but entertainment it AINT
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Especially for a pop idol. Now if this were country idol then bring it on.
They shouldn't even be allowed to HAVE background stories. People watch this piece of shit show to be entertained and escape not to be reminded of how fucked some poor people are and how shitty this world can be. Sad story...fuckin A it is..Do I need to (or want to) know about said sad story..Hell no.
Sorry, call me cold hearted but as soon as I see some person all fucked up being wheeled out on the floor I'm otta there, sorry about your cards in life pal but entertainment it AINT
jesus- then HER friend posted this!
"IT REALLY IS HEATING UP!!! SOME GREAT TALENT THIS SEASON!! i LOVE THE NEW JUDGE!!! I DON'T MISS SIMON AT ALL. I LOVE STEVEN TYLER, HE IS SO HYSTERICAL!!! JLO SEEMS SO SINCERE!! LOVING IDOL THIS SEASON. I HAVEN'T WATCHED LAST NIGHTS EPISODE YET..."
okay, this is why this stupid show is still on the air. what a bunch of naive dummies.
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One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one
-Three Dog Night