Colin Farrell And RiRi Are Sext Buddies

Before we belly flop into this mess of dick grease and red dye stains, can I just say that I've been trying so hard to exorcise RiRi's "Oh naaa naaa naaa" shit song from my head for weeks. It follows me wherever I go and terrorizes me no matter what I'm doing. Yesterday, I was FINALLY able to wash it out and replace it with Lady Analbelly's (or whatever their name is) "Need You Now" (you can file your judgments here). Yes, I know it's like replacing caca with vomit, but I was happy to flush the NA-NA from my head finally. But last night, as I was waiting in line at the grocery store to buy jelly beans and a bag of carrots, a child eviling with a raggedy ponytail started singing THAT SONG out loud. This confirms that children are creatures from the dark side who can scan your mind for weaknesses and use it against you when you least expect it. And now the NA NA is back thanks to that little girl with a jacked up ponytail. Moving on...

The Sun's technical engineers built a microscopic BlackBerry dingle that crawled into RiRi's phone and sucked in all the text messages she sends out including the ones to Colin Farrell. Apparently, Colin and RiRi got hard for one another when they met on Graham Norton's show last December. They exchanged numbers and she's been filling his BlackBerry screen with all kinds of naughty shit every since. Colin, who is split up from the mother of his child, can't wait to make their sext adventures happen in real life. The Sun's source went on, "Colin was taken aback by some of the texts. He reckons he might well be in there. They're both single, so why not? Colin and Rihanna have made plans to meet up in LA when their hectic schedules allow."

So this story is about two individuals who are currently partaking in the dry sport of text fucking and will most likely never take it further than that... Okay. But this totally reminds me of one of the best (see: most pathetic) sext sessions I've ever had. It was the dude from Oregon that I met online. This motherfucker never wanted to talk on the phone and I quickly learned why. He was like the Fellini of sexting! It was a serious art for him. Dude would write detailed stage directions like: *walking into the room while slowly ripping my shirt off over my head*. Stupid shit like that. I'm a wham, bam, let's do this kind of bitch, so I finally asked him to send me a picture of his peen. This ho wrote back, "Let me describe it instead." BITCH WHAT?! Stop harlequin-ing my ass, get in front of a bathroom mirror and take that dick shot! Seriously, the only reason they have cameras on phones is for dick picture taking! But I let him continue to write his soft core text play, because it was funny.

I'd try to play along, but sometimes I'd forget the format and he'd remind me in a not-so-polite way how he does things. He'd text in parenthesis: "(don't forget to use the * when describing an action)." Shit. Since when did sexting become a community college English class? I should've received credits for that shit. Oh, how many times I wanted to type: "*CUT. SCENE. *going to get a bag of cheese curls*"

It was seriously one of the most unsexiest things I've ever done and that's saying a lot. The only thing he made me want to grab was my throat to keep from laughing.

After Cyrano de Bergerwhack ate up my text message plan by writing the worst romance novel ever, it was time for the grand finale and I really couldn't wait. The anticipation might have given me a twitch or two. It was like waiting for the last episode of Lost. And then it came, this ho actually typed out: "oh my god *i'm cumming so hard* xcvdjfdsalkjflaksdfjoidfuoudfads123adfjkljsdeoi."

I STILL CAN'T.

What the hell was that tossed salad of characters supposed to mean? Bitch came so hard that his cum drops shot at the keys? Or that he had a full body seizure which made his fingers pound against the keys before conveniently landing on "send"? No, thanks. I turned off my phone and made a mental note to block his number. Ho went too far.

And now that I think about it, it was probably Colin Farrell.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by nclgemini on Wed, 02/23/2011 - 10:52am.

ah I love NOVELAS day on dlisted!!!

Submitted by sonne on Wed, 02/23/2011 - 6:09am.

Saw these two on Graham Norton and he was definitely looking her up and down. She's dumber than an empty box of nothing.

Submitted by Annhearts on Wed, 02/23/2011 - 5:28am.

You're a fool for this post.. just wanna let you know! lol

Submitted by JD1985 on Wed, 02/23/2011 - 4:55am.

I don't partake of sexting maybe I'm getting too old for that crap but MK this is your funniest writeup yet. I love you :)

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I'd still fuck Keith Richards.

Submitted by Khensu Hetep on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 6:07pm.

Phone sex is the only kind I've ever had. I'd gladly jump at the opportunity.

/Baggage.

†
"I'm the guardian of this land,
I'm Dracula, Prince of Walacchia.
My name is synonymous with fear and terror
which I sowed and grew and which I fed on."
-Opera IX (Under the Sign of the Red Dragon)

Submitted by howcomebubblegum on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 5:39pm.

Funniest line: "What the hell was that tossed salad of characters supposed to mean? Bitch came so hard that his cum drops shot at the keys?"

Hahahhaah! You're simply the best, MK!

Submitted by KA on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 5:15pm.

#1 - I worked for two years, from home, getting paid to sext. It was awesome.

#3 - OH NA NA WHATS MY NAME WHATS MY NAME WHATS MY NAME - try and get that shit out of your head! It's been in mine forever now!

I forget #2.

Submitted by hotpussy on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 5:08pm.

MK, you are so funny! the whole time i'm reading it i'm thinking " it's probably Colin farrell"...but i love that song!

Submitted by Hotmami on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 3:43pm.

Eh. Saw sext messages between my friend and a dude I was trying to hook up with (another friend), who both *swore* that they never got biblical.

Fuck sexting.
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"JUST PUT IT IN GODDAMMIT!!!"

-Me, according to Jack

Submitted by HeddaHopper on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 3:24pm.

Colin Farrell? I love Colin Farrell. He's a poet! Check out his interviews on YouTube.

I think we'd be like, OMG! to discover who Rihanna "gets with" from time to time. Colin is the least of it.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 2:52pm.

LOL MK's stories are better than the celeb stuff. Infinitely funnier.

Submitted by Message In A Bottle on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 2:35pm.

LMFAO @ MK, you just made my fucking day with the sexting story!

I much prefer the real thing but before my boyfriend took off overseas, well, the only option to keep the love burnin' and yearnin' was sexting. So I can't really hate on it.

I'm waiting for Rihanna's PSA on sexting and how she feels sorry for any girl that doesn't sext or send their men nakey pics.

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If you shoved a vuvuzela into a dog's ass and asked him to fart into a fan, the sound he produces would be more pleasant to the ears than this shit! - Michael K

Submitted by Psych Evals for... on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 2:34pm.

I think I just woke the house up laughing like a lunatic at your story MK! WTF?! LMAOOOO!
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Because nothing says "my coochie smells like sex" like a men's white butt-down shirt over a bustier. -MK

Submitted by NC-Ladee on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 2:22pm.

"picks myself up off the chair after reading your story." MK - I love you. Your stories are hilarious.

I'm with you - I don't have the attention span for the sexting thing.

I was at my dermatologist's office - a follow-up appointment for my skin cancer removal - and the nurse and I got on the topic of guilty pleasures. Don't know how we ended there - but what was so funny was she said - "I have to check my laptop during the day on this one gossip site I absolutely love. She said - I don't mention it much to our patients, and I'm sure you've never heard of it before - but it's called Dlisted." I about fell off my chair. We both said - We love MK so much - and I said, he's such a cutie pie too. She said - really. She went on about how much junk he claims to eat that she just assumed that he must be pretty big. I told her to look for his pix and you'll be surprised that he isn't. We traded fav MK stories and laughed so hard the doctor came in wanting to know what were were talking about - we came up with some bogus shyt real quick and gave each other a wink.

MK - you'd be surprised how far your reach goes - geographically and professionally. You make so many of our days with your hilarious stories.

I hope you never get sane.

Submitted by Mrs Patrick Campbell on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 1:36pm.

Colin is scorching hot and ALL MAN!!

He fucks fish and even eats their stink-holes!

Submitted by boston61 on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 1:34pm.

See what smoking does kids?

Submitted by meglizsmith on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 12:55pm.

That was the greatest story EVER!!

Submitted by LaChaylo on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 12:21pm.

* laughs out loud @ MK's story *

Priceless. I love MK's story time.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Submitted by snideychick on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 12:16pm.

Snideychick sez:

LEAVE OREGON ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!

WHY CAN'T YOU LET OREGON BE GREAT!!!!

Submitted by gojirrra on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 12:11pm.

OMG HAHAHA. Oh MK. Love it.

Submitted by beakers bitch on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 11:47am.

LOL, MK. I love it. I never got the cybering thing, either. It's fucking typing. My lazy ass doesn't want to write a novel to make someone cum when I can't even be there or hear it or anything.

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 11:43am.

I always try to explain to people why I'm hooked on Dlisted. Maybe I should just read them this story. Thank you, MK, for making life's color palette endlessly more bright.

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Who are you calling silly cow?

Submitted by whole lotto luv on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 11:38am.

This is why I have to read every damn story on dlisted - you never know where Michael K will put a personal story about sexting or THAT DOG.

@ISprainedMyUvula: thank you linking to that song, because it finally pushed Joe Le Taxi out of my head. I wonder why they kept cutting Hootie out of the frame, though?

Submitted by Genny18 on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 11:10am.

Sexting is so 11th grade

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What's up, douchebag?

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 11:08am.

Submitted by Hekki on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 12:26pm.
I seriously loved him in "In Bruges", though.
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Great movie. 10/10

Submitted by annobanano on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:56am.

Your story made my day MK!

Submitted by Hekki on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:56am.

I seriously loved him in "In Bruges", though.

Submitted by chaka1 on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:56am.

I'd still let Colin Farrell beat on this drum...

Submitted by Chris Eccleston... on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:53am.

Funniest post I've read in ages! I almost had to bite my tongue off to keep from laughing out loud!

I second the book idea!

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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.

Submitted by Infamous on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:43am.

Sexting?! RiRi just fuck him already!

www.theinfamouslife.com
www.twitter.com/so_infamous

Submitted by Mrs Patrick Campbell on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:42am.

Colin has had 'work done' what was it....liposuction, chin implant?

Discuss!

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:37am.

The last Rihanna song I ever heard was that Rudy Boy shit.

Not interested in EVER hearing anything more from her, thanks.

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:34am.

I am actually crying with laughter reading MK's sexting story. OR RATHER

*CRYING WITH LAUGHTER emktkgti956JFsuuwMN*

*APPLAUSE*

Submitted by azgirl on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:32am.

I tried this with my husband. FAIL! He can't spell so half the time I was trying to figure out what he was saying. I had to stop when he wrote "can't wait to stick my penis in your vagina." Poor guy, he is lucky he is cute.

Submitted by stake_spike on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:29am.

Oh Colin Farrell, it's not 2000 anymore. What's with these Brit (N. Ireland right?) actors (like Jude Law), they go from starring in EVERYTHING to being beat and barely b-list in 10 years.

Submitted by AtomicCity on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:19am.

Holy crap, that was seriously one of the funniest things I've ever read.

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Submitted by Somuchbetterthanyou on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 11:43am.
He'd have to call me with the dirty talk. But even then it would probably end up with me constantly shouting "What?! You wanna what to my what til it what?!?!"

Hehehe.

Submitted by TheBreakdown on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:18am.

Look at Colin's face! Got to the DAYUM!

What booze label/drug company/street pharmacist has not had a hand in these facial transgressions?

That muthafucka is BEAT, and surely Ri-ho-ho can do better than this...or is she up for a full-out sex tape for 2011?!

***************************************
Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©

Submitted by letinstar on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:16am.

i challenge colin and ri ri to spell "sexting"...
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i've got the brains, you've got the looks...let's make lots of money...

Submitted by SMiTTy on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:15am.

There is a website(I cant remember the name now) that just put up nude recent pictures of Rhianna that claimed to be sent out to "a famous older man" and that they details would be hitting the net soon. I wonder if this is what they were talking about???

Submitted by Somuchbetterthanyou on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:15am.

I don't know why, but I feel like these texts are probably clumsy and unintelligible at best.
She really strikes me as an idiot, who tries waaaay to hard to be sexy, and Colin probably sends out mass sexts, that all uses "Lassie," as to avoid confusion.

And I'm a slut, I mean sucker for almost any accent (I gotta flat mid-western vernacular thing going on, and so 20 miles in any direction is an accent to me). He'd have to call me with the dirty talk. But even then it would probably end up with me constantly shouting "What?! You wanna what to my what til it what?!?"

Submitted by Sweetas on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:13am.

AhahahahaHAHAHAHA MK!! "Cyrano de Bergerwhack" LMFAO I love little peeks into your life! *wipes tears*

When you're far from your honey, sexting/phone sex can be a good thing! Or at least better than nothing.

Submitted by kari54 on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:12am.

lmao MK, you are awesome

Submitted by Vern on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:11am.

******Wipes tear from laughing at Cyrano Debergerwhack***************

*Confesses*

I had the filthiest dream about Colin Farrell the other night.

****at least he's cleaner than Dreamboat*******

*chanting as always*

Submitted by knoxx on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:11am.

LOL HAHAHAHAH omg i've had the same thing happen to me, like how are you getting off from a text, I've had someone say they want to stick their tongue in my asshole while I'm cumming to feel it pucker, UMMMMMMMMMMMMM EW! lol some people...

Submitted by yepyepyep on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:10am.

parkerj on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 11:31am.

RiRi really needs to change up the red hair. She looks like Ronald McDonald, its not cute!

she wont change it for a while, she has hazel eyes and the red hair brings out the green in her eyes, so she has to pick her eyes looking pretty or her hair looking normal

"I will pee myself today and when someone asks, "what is that smell?", I will happily tell them Veluptuous by KK!" Urmomma