Joe Jonas Is Not Giving Ashley Greene Anything To Work With

Ashley Greene celebrated her 24th birthday at Pure in Las Vegas on Saturday night and was surrounded by a sugary rainbow of sweet confections that made every hole in the room beg for a cavity search. And I'm not talking about that Candy Land mess of a cake. Joe Jonas was at Ashley's side for her party and she was on him like a fly on a sugar dipped cherry, and he was on her like....well...like dignity on a Lohan. Joe is keeping his hands at his side like Ashley is a beard made of vagina hairs.

Can't Joe give Ashley something to work with?! At least she's trying to hang on him like his dick is not letting out a "meh" from being that close to girl cooch. I mean, Ashley even tried to slap away the gay rumors by telling People that Joe doesn't know the difference between "vintage Coach" and Chanel. Bead, please:

At her 24th birthday celebration at Las Vegas's Pure Nightclub on Saturday, the Twilight beauty donned a form-fitting black cocktail dress and sported a gold Chanel charm bracelet on her right wrist. The latter was a gift from Jonas.

"The funny thing about it is when I got it, my boyfriend said it's vintage Coach – and I was like 'Thanks so much.' And then I put it on and was like, 'Oh my god, this is Chanel,' " Greene said, letting out a scream.

"It was very cute and sweet and adorable to me because my boyfriend gave it to me," she said. "Coach, Chanel, [it] makes no difference to him ... [But] I absolutely love it because he knows what I like."

Let's hope that Chanel charm bracelet had a Chanel key on it that opened a Chanel box to a Chanel vibrator, because that's the only way Ashley was going to have a birthday orgasm at the end of the night. But really, Ashley went a little too far with the "vintage Coach" shit. "Vintage Coach" is just a fancy way of saying "Coach bought from the bottom of a clearance bin at Filene's Basement." And there's no way Joe would ever strut his shit through a Filene's Basement.

Splash

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by Khensu Hetep on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:52pm.

I really hate both of these cows.

Joe Jonas is working what's remaining of his fifteen minutes because teenaged girls have moved on to Justin Boober. People don't care anymore, and I've heard he's a major dick. It must suck to already be a has-been.

I hate Ashley Greene too. She just seems like an uppity cunt, so it's a match made in hell. If she's a social climber, she should keep it up because she couldn't even land a major role in Twilight. It's pretty fucking sad when Kristen Stewart's cold fish acting outshines yours in a movie. Keep working your way to the middle. She's not that pretty, either.

†
"I'm the guardian of this land,
I'm Dracula, Prince of Walacchia.
My name is synonymous with fear and terror
which I sowed and grew and which I fed on."
-Opera IX (Under the Sign of the Red Dragon)

Submitted by shandi on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 10:34pm.

Everyone is saying she has a bad nose job, but I think she is very pretty. And who knows what her nose looked like BEFORE the surgery?

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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK

Submitted by Centaurious on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 10:25pm.

Lol, Joe can get away with being gay with her in their early 20's, she probably thinks that the sex is bad because of HER!

He's on borrowed time, but who wants to see the Jonas Brothers in their 30s anyway? He just has to drag it out a few more years to get the bucks and then he can toss MK's salad from here to KINGdom come!

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"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Marjorie Ingall

Submitted by snideychick on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 5:05pm.

Snideychick sez:

Dude is throwing a whole lotta "I don't fucking care" at this chick, even for a main gay.

My main gay (RIP my beloved KP) loved to hug everybody, and like MK was facinated with the chi-chis.

Submitted by TyInTenn on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 4:59pm.

I may be the only one in the world - and I will bear that burden - but I would so fuck Joe Jonas chest to chest and enjoy every second of it!

Submitted by Kandykane on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 4:54pm.

I don't give a fuck about any of these assholes but what I really wanna know is .... is that cake edible??? It looks like cardboard covered in plastic shit.

Submitted by sushi on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 4:29pm.

Her bad nose job ruins her looks. Way too sculpted.

Submitted by Hotmami on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 4:12pm.

I love Coach. And I was discussing purses with my best gay last night at dinner, and confessed that the item I have to own before I die is the Chanel quilted handbag. *sigh* OT: I hate both of them. Especially her. Hey Ashley, Michael Jackson wants his nose back.

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"JUST PUT IT IN GODDAMMIT!!!"

-Me, according to Jack

Submitted by louise_brooks on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 3:55pm.

That first thumbnail looks like a wig ad on Ebay.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 4:03pm.

Hope she gifts herself a rent boy for her birthday.
Hopefully one that Joe hasn't already soiled.

Submitted by agirl on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 3:16pm.

Well I wouldn't mind if one of my gays bought me a Chanel bracelet for my birfday. Or even a Chanel perfume would be nice.

That's one fag who knows how to keep his hag happy. I say "Brava!"

Submitted by A.cotw on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 2:50pm.

LAMO,Breaky!!! The fine art of being a beard should be included in all acting classes.
I think Ashley Green is incredibly beautiful. Bedroom eyes.She reminds me of an old college friend who was constantly accused of having had a nose job because her nose was so oddly shaped.

Submitted by ProfessorVP on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 2:42pm.

Can Joe, and others in his position (no, I don't mean missionary) catch a break here? If he is all over her, that's bad acting, what's he trying to prove? If he is aloof, gosh, he is repelled by the female anatomy, and we know why. If he comes out, all hell breaks out here, he'd be called all the names that used to be reserved for Bobby Trendy. So what's a gay guy to do?

Submitted by TheBreakdown on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 2:10pm.

Ashley needs to get Kelly Preston on the phone and learn how to beard RIGHT.

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Submitted by TrashyWilma on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 2:09pm.

I HATE her nose job.

It's funny that this is a publicity stunt, and yet it's done nothing for her career. Ashley Greene is a social climber of the most desperate kind.

Submitted by putas on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 1:57pm.

Thank you zorba I was wondering if I was the only one b ugged by her nose..reminds me of mj nasal slits it is sooo thinned out at the bridge..not normal for a youngun she has no excuse or 25 year coke habit she is trying to hidewith surgery..why is her nose likethat!!!

Submitted by madam ex on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 1:48pm.

Woah this is bad, no interest whatsoever, however who ever showed him what to buy was a class act.

Submitted by letinstar on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 1:43pm.

oh and 24?!...yeah, right...

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i lift things up and put them down...

Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 1:39pm.

Submitted by FilthyBitch on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:57pm.

His body language is loud as fuck here
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Haha! Or the absence of fuck, as it were.

♥ Threadkilla!
If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.~Bertrand Russell

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 1:34pm.

Who are these fucking assholes? Tragic when you get into a celebrity relationship contract and still you remain a fucking nobody, huh?

Submitted by Kerfuffles on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 1:10pm.

I don't like Twilight (and yes, I have seen the movies and read one of the books, I'm not one of those assholes who never seen it/read it and still talks shit) but I would do Ashley Greene any day. Hell, Twink Jonas can watch and everything.

Submitted by cake coke and cock on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:50pm.

but does he still sport the virginity ring? Or did he up the ante to charm bracelets? These youths and their fads confuse me.

Submitted by Supreme Soviet on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:39pm.

Vintage Coach? Hells no. More like vintage Cooch.

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Familiarity breeds attempt- Jayne Mansfield

D-Listed:Cheap Thrills for Cheap People- Supreme Soviet

Submitted by muffintops on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:37pm.

Its not that he didn't know the difference betw chanel & coach, its that he didn't even probably pick out the gift himself.

his body language is terrible. so awkward.

Submitted by Puto on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 3:29pm.

Hot girl. Saw Joe Jonas when the beard was around. And just as in these photos... hands in pocket and never touched her. Here he is with a hot girl and he rather keep his hands in his pockets. Granted, she has the worst ass in the business. Flat as the world is to most Christians.

Submitted by Datura on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:34pm.

Submitted by stake_spike on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 1:15pm.
Why does she have Michael Jackson face?

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I think that every time I see her. That nose job was a bad decision.

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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb

Submitted by dementa on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:32pm.

Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 1:57pm.

You gotta point, she does kinda resemble Buell (who was and still is a gorgeous lady).

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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by TexnDoc on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:31pm.

"Bead, please" made me LOL and I knew you meant "beard". It's a pattern - the gay ex-boybanders are always front row at Fashion Week.

Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:27pm.

She's a very pretty girl, reminds me of Bebe Buell in her youth except .... for that NOSE. That's a straight up lizard nose. Plus, too skinny. The whole "functioning anorexic" look is robbing women of their beauty.

Submitted by LisaRose on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:23pm.

I think time is running out for him with this one. He looks ready to make a dash.

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Visit my husband's webcomic DUNGEON HORDES at http://www.drunkduck.com/dungeon_hordes
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Submitted by NOT IMPRESSED on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:09pm.

Thumbnail #2: WOOOOOF! She looks tired, sad, and hungry. It's your birthday, girl! Perk up and have some damn cake!

I think Joe is a cute little gay.
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Douchechill!

Submitted by WTFOMGLOL on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:59am.

Am I mistaken, or was she not with Ian Somerhalder not long ago ? how could you not dig your claws into that and marry and make some beaut-i-ful babeeze ?????

But now she's with this little twerp ?

*jaw drops* WTF

Submitted by Brenda DuBois on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:58am.

Joe, I love you. Please come out of the closet and marry me. I want to have your babies.

Kelly Taylor: Well we all have our crosses to bear.
Brenda Walsh: Or our legs to uncross.

-----episode 3.14 "Wild Horses," Beverly Hills 90210

Submitted by PinkTransAm on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:54am.

And if you can't be with the one you love, Honey..love the one you're with.

Gosh I miss the days of Britney and Justin in their matching denim.

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Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn

Submitted by vapidlush on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:52am.

holy katy perry's boobs cake...

Candyland theme?

again?

1993 ravers did it to death already... find a new "thing".

These kids...

And yes... he looks quite uncomfy next to that icky icky girl.

Submitted by stake_spike on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:45am.

Why does she have Michael Jackson face?

Submitted by clairey claire on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:43am.

I don't really know who they are, but she is very pretty. I like her colouring. That is my profound thought for the day.

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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks

Submitted by mike on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:38am.

Fake Asses is a most appropriate tag for this post.

Submitted by Mr. Mercury on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:37am.

Coach-Chanel-Cock. See how easy it is to get confused? Ashley "Miss Candyland" Greene wanted Joe to give her the last one, but he kept it for himself.

"Seymour!! You said you'd never get married until you bought me an iron lung!"

Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:29am.

Is that a Candyland-themed cake? Jesus Christ, HOW old is she? Not cute. At all. Even my 7 year old thinks Candyland is too babyish and cutesy anymore.

Submitted by Inigo Jones on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:29am.

Subtitle: "Fulfilling contractual obligations."

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Magic Roundabout (Swindon)

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:28am.

you know their refrigerator is stocked with cucumbers and carrots... his and hers, respectively.
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"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09

"I will re-name jackhat, PantyClaus." 12/16/10 BRADIFUL BITCH

Submitted by Jana on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:28am.

BORING.

* goes out to take her dogs on a hike* ;)

Submitted by parkerj on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:27am.

Maybe they were both on something... they look so out of it. Jonas really looks gay here.

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"Bye, Whore" -MK

Submitted by FilthyBitch on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:27am.

His body language is loud as fuck here - he's not into her at ALL. Leaning away from her, not even putting a hand on her when she has her arms draped around his neck.
Geez dude, just come out already.
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"I've got a strong stomach and no standards to speak of" - MK 2/5/11

Submitted by Sweetas on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:25am.

In the main pic he's pretending she's Zac so he can stand to touch her back.

Submitted by Snarf on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:25am.

Nothing more straight than a man that sits front row at shows during Fashion Week in New York, who knows the difference between Channel, Coach, and Vintage Coach. Nothing!

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Shiitake happens...

Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:23am.

Submitted by suckandfuck on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:49pm.

""The funny thing about it is.."

OMG that IS sooo funny!!! Chanel! Coach! Yes!! People get them confused all the time!!! Hysterical!!!!
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OK - I know I'm going on at length now but I guess I'm jonesing from my unsuccessful rehab for DListed but....

I'd really like to invite you to a party sometime. My friends are getting older and quite boring. I think you could help them.

Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:20am.

That Coach/Chanel story is so damn fake. Dude sits front row during fashion week so I know he knows the difference between Coach and Chanel. Was that supposed to make him sound straight?

Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON

Submitted by angel_i on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 11:19am.

Submitted by Stoney on Mon, 02/21/2011 - 12:46pm.

She clearly hated it until she saw the label.
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O - I gotta LOL! Too true, too true.