Gorgeous In So Many Ways

There's no need for you to contact Madame Tussauds' security office to let them know that their wax statue of Voldemort escaped out of their building, disguised itself as a Thai transgirl lounge singer and is slowly melting into a puddle. This is just the forever beautiful Spaz de la Huerta blowing air kisses at the press after winning an award for best ensemble with her Boardwalk Empire castmates at the SAG Awards last night. How many members of the media do you think are still in the bathroom scrubbing the lipstick stains out of their skin? When Spaz throws you a lipstick-covered air kiss, you better block it with a piece of Bounty or you will end up getting intimate with a can of paint remover for a few hours.

That lipstick color is usually something you only find in the pocket of a chola's Starter jacket. One of my junior high school chola friends described that color as a "dirty tampon" or a "dried blood clot." Since she put it that way, that lipstick is a whole new shade of lovely to you, right? But on Spaz, I'd like to say that lipstick looks more like Charlie Sheen's liquefied liver, or the melted heart of a black Pegasus.

It's really an ingenious way to know which cocktail is yours at a party, because that lipstick leaves more than a mark. Oh, mine's the one that looks like Tar Monster busted a bloody wet fart on it.

Here's Spaz politely taking the mic from Steve Buscemi last night to thank whoever and to say the word "phenomenal" like she just learned it yesterday.

And the POSES! You couldn't even learn those moves at a John Robert Powers master class taught by Phoebe Price!

Posted by: Michael K

•

Excuse My Beauty • Paz de la Huerta

Submitted by caprica six on Tue, 02/01/2011 - 10:46am.

That's gotta be coke/alch belly bloat on her. Her ingested 8balls are like 4 months along, wow. I still like her oddness though.

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"Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep insights can be winnowed from deep nonsense. Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." - Carl Sagan

Submitted by Khensu Hetep on Tue, 02/01/2011 - 4:02am.

It's heroin chic Peggy Hill!

Sometimes when I really feel like shit, I'll look at this chick and read through all the comments about how "beautiful" she is and it gives me hope.

†

"Look inside the executioner's hood,
I will show you his grimace!"
-Darzamat (Blackward)

†

FIX TOPINWEB.COM, NOW!

Submitted by becky n sydney on Tue, 02/01/2011 - 2:01am.

Her eyes get smaller with every pic - I hope in the next time MK chooses to traumatise us with this talentless scrag the peepers have sealed up altogether.

Submitted by Fraggle on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 11:53pm.

Submitted by blueangel on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 11:16pm.

This is definitely a man with a wig. Look at the face, the adam's apple and the hands! She is a HE!

Oh please, darlin'! She does not have an "adam's apple". LOL! Look at all of her pictures...no way does she have a man throat.

Ya big goof!

Submitted by Pearl_Necklace on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 10:55pm.

jesus...thought it was really Bobby Trendy this time & spoofing Spaz

Submitted by Hysteria on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 10:51pm.

Looks like Steven Tyler without makeup except lipstick.
.
.

Submitted by Falmouth on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 9:56pm.

Submitted by mcnightmare on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:17pm.
"Paz was born with a cystic hygroma, a lump between her right armpit and her rib cage that had to be removed surgically soon after she was born. "
that explains it.

It does, because it's linked to Turner syndrome: a sex-chromosome abnormality that results in odd, masculine features (and shortened lifespan).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turner_syndrome

Submitted by SMASHLEY on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 9:56pm.

I've never seen anything this trick is in except for her ground-breaking role as 'Flirty Payphone Girl' in 'Riding in Cars with Boys' (which is a masterpiece, btw).

"That girlfriend of yours sure likes that horn.."

Submitted by blueangel on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 9:46pm.

This is definitely a man with a wig. Look at the face, the adam's apple and the hands! She is a HE!

Submitted by Fraggle on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 8:52pm.

This woman would probably look stunning with the right make-up but the Vaseline job coupled with the red-granny-lips is a hot mess.

Submitted by soulks on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 8:49pm.

http://www.moesrealm.com/img/fifth_element_03.jpg

FE 2?

c\#_@/c
"lightbulb!"- Gru

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 8:09pm.

I think I'll pass, thanks.

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"I'm like a tree, I feed the branches of the people." - Kanye West

Submitted by Schmoopy on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 8:01pm.

Even better than this train wreck, was when the "Kings SPeech" won for best ensemble cast. None of the cast wanted to walk with Helena Bonham Carter and Jeffrey Rush gives her a side-eye glance that could have burnt Helena up right on the spot. I am tryin to find a video of it.

Why do people hate on HBC? She's funny and seems really down-to-earth. I love the fact that she appears not to give a rat's ass about any of this H'wood horseshit! Awesome. People love her on the Craig Ferguson show.

Submitted by Joe Mahma on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 7:52pm.

Damn, that is one scary lookin' broad.

Submitted by Hotmami on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 6:53pm.

I read the NYT article that was posted, and between that and her obvious drug problem, I think this poor ho will be dead by 30.

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"JUST PUT IT IN GODDAMMIT!!!"

-Me, according to Jack

Submitted by mcnightmare on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 6:49pm.

i haven't seen Boardwalk Empire yet, and i should because i'm a fan of Steve Buscemi, generally ("Fargo" and "Monsters, Inc." did it for me) - although that speech of his was a little....strange.

i just can't imagine this woman actually *acting*, in the state she seems to be in. eccentric heiress, i can see, but narcotic abuser + attention whore + female is not a good combination. venom from other women (who will resent you because they don't see why *they* have to keep their shit together and you don't) and remorse from men (who will resent having to cover their tracks after they've used you in some way) will usually bring a woman like this down after a while, no matter how beautiful she is - and Paz is not even maximizing what she has got.

only a man can get away with this kind of shit, Paz. watch your back.

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Submitted by letinstar on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 6:42pm.

why is paz so dang oily? she must use the entire can of crisco on her face alone...
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i lift things up and put them down...

Submitted by phillyphillie on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 6:40pm.

I love this bitch. I don't know why. I think she's hot for some reason.

Submitted by Kerfuffles on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:46pm.

She always looks like she's constantly off her rocker, but I'd take her over Kim Kardashian in a hot second.

Submitted by MaxiePad on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:42pm.

Is that really Paz de la Huerta? I mean, her nipples are nowhere to be seen.......

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I was entirely unaware of how sucky it would get.

- Gautama.

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:41pm.

mcnightmare -- "short hairy man chid" -- that is absolutely hysterical. So basically she has the hands of a Kardashian -- all those broads look like short, hairy man child(ren). (*Twat cracking herself up*) And you're totally right -- her need for attention is bottomless, hence her propensity for being naked all the time. That's all she does on "Boardwalk Empire" -- she's the naked whore stumbing around. She is one of the worst actresses I have ever seen, and that's saying a lot!

I think this bitch is on heroin.

Submitted by yucko on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:18pm.

Submitted by BorgQueen on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:18pm.
Even better than this train wreck, was when the "Kings SPeech" won for best ensemble cast. None of the cast wanted to walk with Helena Bonham Carter and Jeffrey Rush gives her a side-eye glance that could have burnt Helena up right on the spot. I am tryin to find a video of it.
-----

Please find this.

And I would like to add, "Mmm, Michael Pitt." Usually he looks SO gross in candid moments but he looks cleaned up here. He's so hot in BE.

Submitted by soulks on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 5:24pm.

what was that? the Fifth Element?yuck; didn't do any favors taking the mic, fifteen minutes of fame done!
& use that eyelash growing stuff. ;\ face close too close to the crackpipe didja?
c\#_@/c
"lightbulb!"- Gru

Submitted by P.T.Bull on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:55pm.

Thing about her face, I can have sexual fantasies about steve tyler without feeing gay.

Like I said, she looks like absolute skanky trash--in ohter words, my dream girl.

Submitted by Vanitas on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:47pm.

McNightmare: I heard it was heroin

Submitted by Tatiana on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:46pm.

She looks like a vampire who didn't clean the dried up old blood off her mouth after drinking. And what an elegant cheap-o dress and equally elegant slurry speech.

This woman is my new favorite celebrity.

Submitted by blaase on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:44pm.

She looks like a tranny I know , who got a really bad nose job that is way too small for her face..

Submitted by mcnightmare on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:40pm.

what do you drug-experts think? heroin? pills?

i saw some earlier footage of her and she wasn't nearly so smeared and blurred and sweaty and slurred.
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Submitted by Albatross on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:37pm.

Who is this nasty-looking freak?

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"God only gives you one balloonknot, be nice to it." - Raul Duke

Submitted by mike on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:19pm.

I actually love the color of dried blood.

Submitted by mcnightmare on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:18pm.

her hands are the most surprising thing to me here. they look grafted on from some short hairy man child. they just don't suit that long leggy frame at all.

it's all fictional, as far as i am concerned, but the story of her little sister being stung by a wasp, paz taking the wasp and sitting on it so that she could 'get stung' by it and steal the attention from her sister, created the impression of a need for attention that is just bottomless, whether or not the story is true.

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Submitted by mbar on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:15pm.

Diarheaa caca. She's trying to be the new Jennifer Tilly or something, but insteead shee looks like the queen of barf colors.

Submitted by woodhorse on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:05pm.

Well, I wish I could pass for Chinese whenever I felt like it. Put a straw hat on her and some light blue pants that are too short and give that bitch a rickshaw.

Submitted by Callan on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:56pm.

Hardest working merkin in show biz!

Submitted by SugarFreeRedBull on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:46pm.

Wet & Wild number 508. When I was in jr high school, I bought it and thought I was cool. My English teacher, Mr. Bradshaw, told me I looked like I was sucking on a butthole. :(

Submitted by Christie Love on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:38pm.

I LOATHE THIS TALENTLESS FREAK!

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You're under arrest, sugar!

Submitted by Bjork You on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:25pm.

Please, Buscemi probably gives those wonky side eyes to his wife in bed. He always looks like that. That's why he was so great in "Ghost World."

I like this Paz (Poth) creature. Buscemi didn't sound so great; I was worried that I was going to get a DeNiro/Pacino/Demme-on-forever rambling speech. Poth thaved the day!

Submitted by Bjork You on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:23pm.

Please, Buscemi probably gives those wonky side eyes to his wife in bed. He always looks like that. That's why he was so great in "Ghost World."

I like this Paz (Poth) creature. Buscemi didn't sound so great; I was worried that I was going to get a DeNiro/Pacino/Demme-on-forever rambling speech. Poth thaved the day!

Submitted by CholaMom on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:17pm.

TwatMuffin: Absolutely. I think the entire cast wanted to throttle her. And all those photos where she's holding up the award as if she and she alone earned it? Gimme a break. They earned that ensemble award in SPITE of her. Horrible creature. My, what a crime it would be if she were replaced next season!

Submitted by asby on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:06pm.

with a name like.....Maria de la Paz Elizabeth Sofia Adriana de la Huerta she cant help but being elegant....work the poses bitch.....

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:01pm.

CholaMom -- didn't you feel that Steve Buscemi wanted to kick her skanky ass to the curb? And he seems like the sweetest guy there is.

Ooops, sorry people, double post -- my bad!!!

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 2:55pm.

Sonne -- I was thinking the same thing while reading that article. What gives me that impression is that peope who are chronic exhibitionists have a lot of times been abused as children. If that happened to her, I feel sorry for her, but a lot of people who were abused as kids don't grow up to be cunts like this thing is. Can you believe my boyfriend actually thinks this thing is hot? Then again, he wasn't looking at her hideous face!

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 2:54pm.

Submitted by WTFOMGLOL on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 2:54pm.

What about the lump 6 inches above that ? why did they leave that there ?

Submitted by yepyepyep on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 2:53pm.

by sonne on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:10pm.

What Twat Muffin said and then some. Ugh! I would bet real money she was abused as a child (so

if you read the NYerk article the mom makes a comment about Jack Nicksolm? damaging her, she wasn't like that before him. I also think she has abandonment issues, the parents were never around and she definitely does drugs, and probably sells her body, she was spoiled financially but had no maternal and paternal love.

"I will pee myself today and when someone asks, "what is that smell?", I will happily tell them Veluptuous by KK!" Urmomma

Submitted by CholaMom on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 2:57pm.

What an attention whore. Another "star" I will never understand, who makes me feel bitter about my own lack of stardom (and empty bank account). Hey Paz: grab a clue; when Steve Buscemi is giving you the googly side-eye, you KNOW you've done something stupid!

Submitted by mcnightmare on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 2:47pm.

"Paz was born with a cystic hygroma, a lump between her right armpit and her rib cage that had to be removed surgically soon after she was born. "

that explains it.
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Submitted by precociousmagpie on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 2:41pm.

Submitted by Jana on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:38pm.
Submitted by precociousmagpie on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 3:18pm.
@Jana
I WILL TAKE HIM
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you wish! :)

He's the sweetest thing ever and huge ''momma's boy'' if I dare to say.

You see I'm in a little fight over at the OP with some bitch named Stoney, who's been all over my ass since day 1. But I regress, Lucky's been a real find and very popular pup amongst the public.
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COME TO ME LUCKY. I HAVE PORK CHOPS.

Eh, I got one of those hecklers too, no idea why.

My husband's oldest friend once told him, about some tool who always gave him a hard time for no reason, "Look. That guy hates your fuckin' guts, and there's nothin' you can do about it." He was right, too. I always remind myself of that bit of wisdom when some random asshat gets in my face.

________________________
He was no longer one of Vermont's Finest.

Submitted by sonne on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 2:40pm.

What Twat Muffin said and then some. Ugh! I would bet real money she was abused as a child (sorry to be a downer) but her behavior....ugh, I could be wrong but she definitely needs to go away and get rehab and counseling. There's something about her that pisses me off and that article explained quite a few of the whys. That and she's basically famous for being naked. She's gonna land in a deep, deep hole when she finally crashes and burns.