Nothing Breaks Your Heart Like A Box Of New Dicks
Melissa Etheridge is currently dating her estranged wife's best friend, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem (on the left), and so you know Tammy Lynn Michaels Etheridge has some real shit to say about this. But before we dive head first into another one of Tammy's literary work of lesbian realness, let's get the supposed facts about Melissa's new partner in pussy from People (or Pooper, as Tammy calls it).
One of Melissa's friends say that she's been close to Linda for almost 10 years. Linda served as Melissa's best woman during her wedding to Tammy and they got together 3 months after her marriage jumped out the window and caught a ride on the exhaust pipe of a bus heading far far away. So according to the friend, Melissa and Linda have been together for about 9 months. These are not the facts according to Tammy Etheridge.
In a blog post titled "speak, spread walk the talk", Tammy writes that People's story has been scrubbed of any escandaloso filth that will make Melissa look like a heartless wife who passed her poon long before her marriage officially ended. Tammy says in late 2009, she had a "something in the milk ain't clean" moment when Melissa's assistant accidentally delivered a box of shiny new dildos to her house. Tammy writes:
i moved out november 23rd 2009
she said it would help
i was convinced it would
too and i trusted there was
no one else
i didn't know
there was someone moving in
as i was moving outindeed
three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that's when i felt something was upi called her
"i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?"one thing by one thing
i slowly felt things were not
as
they were being represented
Nothing says "out with the old vagina dust and in with the new" like a box of new dicks. By the way, every time I pick up the phone I long to hear the beautiful words, "I have your new dicks on my kitchen counter." Fuck granite, I want new dicks for a kitchen countertop.
Tammy goes on to write that after she listened to Melissa's new album, she knew what was really going down. Tammy begged Melissa to not let the news of her new piece get out until after the album was released. Melissa's album comes out in three weeks, so Tammy's begging really paid off. Tammy then sharpens her key strokes and goes after People.
so. you know. people magazine tries to get things right. they try to
clean things up for the famous folk- their sources are usually the publicist
for the celebrity. i'm here to clarify. well... i want to clarify without
dealing with getting sued for SLANDER (and paying someone), which would include
me saying that the two were involved while I was living there (it is still my house, by the way).
and i haven't gone just that far yet.since april of 09? mmm.... one of my little sweet peas told me otherwise much
earlier than that, Pooper magazine.they should have shut the bedroom door.
and once again... if we're going to have little "leaks" and such... let's make them truthful?
perhaps folks out there are going to start doing math. "speak true and spread the peace" of 2010
i kept this to myself last summer. maybe i shouldnt have- it would have explained another reason
why there was so much bitterness in my cray-cray crazy blogs. i couldn't believe someone would have a
saying, and motto to ask people to buy and live by, but not oneself?spread the peace? speak true.
and i found better friends. real friends.
and most importantly to me: the kids are alright.
......
in other words-
it's not news
nothing new for me
only you guys-
i found out last year
long ago
and kept my mouth shut
for some reason
i'm interesting like that:
i'd rather squirm in rage
and look crazy
than open my mouth
about someone's secret
i guess?
i don't know.
but i knew this
last summer
and before
no news
no "new couple!"
try again, pooper magazine.
almost only counts in horseshoes, right?
:)
Tammy also has a new somebody in her life, but she doesn't say who. My nerves already look like a splintery tooth pick and I've never cared about the state of my one working brain cell, so I really hope the new somebody in Tammy's life is Courtney Love. Imagine the sweet rambling blog posts they'd make together? Actually, don't imagine that unless you have a tongue depressor and a shot of methaqualone handy.
And when the hell is Hollywood going to turn Tammy's blog into a feature film starring Julianne Moore, Annette Bening and Mark Ruffalo (he can put on a wig to play Linda)?!
(Thanks Lauren Ashley)
• 
Maam, when the U-Haul pulls up, there is ALWAYS someone else. Otherwise the U-Haul wouldn't be there.
Now, I know I am a clueless straight guy, but just how many dildos does a healthy lesbian couple go through in a month? Sounds like they should set up a corporate account at batteries plus.
As always, its nice to be a nobody when one's personal life is in tatters and its not in the media everywhere. Its all the same to me, but maybe Tammy could have found a middle ground between keeping secrets and mass media--but I am glad she didn't.
_________________________________________________
More in cirurgia plastica - lipoaspiração - aumento peniano - ginecomastia
Melissa is a BITCH!
Submitted by Sluttsville on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 8:21pm.
Wow, you get a new bag of dicks when you get a new partner.
**********************************
Only if you're a lesbian!
♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/
Submitted by Kabee on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 6:02pm.
I didn't read everything she wrote, it was giving me a headache. The only thing I really care about is why a lesbian would want a dildo? Vibrator, I get. Or if she's bisexual, I get the dildo thing. I just didn't think a lesbian would want to simulate straight sex? I'm just (obviously) not following.
Having had a few gayelles in my world. There are lesbians in this world who are a few molecules on their chromosomes short of being a guy. They like to fuck, quite rough. I've gotten quite a few pointers from them.
On a side note, Etheridge and Wallem are one big bag of ugly.
If I were Tammy I would take every last one of those fucking dicks and shove them straight up my kooch in retaliation. It would be a marathon diddling.
I read most of Melissa Etheridge's autobiography and from what I recall she was really hurt and upset when her partner Julie Cypher cheated on her with a man. So for her to turn the tables on Tammy Lynn Michaels many years later and treat her in the bad way she had been treated is a really lowlife, shitty thing to do. Fuck Melissa.
Submitted by becky n sydney on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 5:08pm.
Nobody sends me nice things in the mail.
Haaaa. It'd probably just get misdelivered to the town crier next door.
* * * * * *
"No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else's house."
"i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?"
Jennifer Aniston could have saved Billy Goat a whole lotta unhappiness if she had made the same call.
_______________________________
"Everytime I lower the bar of expectations, you limbo right under it".
Submitted by Tigerlilly on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 7:48pm.
Tammy, the fake lesbian's best revenge is to get right back on the tube steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner....after you take this dyke assed Lothario for BANK of course...and what are you waiting for? Gitchu a lawyer and but quick...and then, get you a one eyed worm gynie exam...It'll change your life....
-------------
AAAHAHAHAHA right on, kitty!!
GOD I missed Tammy's poetic stylings! And fuck YEAH Mark Ruffalo in a wig ha!
Who in god's name could snog in the Ethridge cooch without puking all over themselves?
I lived in between two sets of really mean lesbians for 5 years...bitches don't play and are cattier than any straight whores I've ever met.
"It's my money and I want it now!"
The visuals of these non lipsticks is gross
Melissa Etheridge is the biggest fucking pain in the ass and now she doesnt want to do the right thing by Tammy Sue who she insisted on having a big gayelle wedding with...
God the new piece looks like a fucking mega ball buster-hope I dont meet her on a dark aisle in Home Depot...
NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"
I blame Rosie for the all lowercase "poetry" of Tammy Lynn.
Don't believe the hype, Tammy Lynn! Capitol letters are for gay people too!
YES!!! Why is this not happening?!? Throw Robin Gibson and Elaine Mellencamp in there too...
Question, though: Would it be a RH-type show of just them going about their daily lives, or a Survivor-esque competition show? Ohhh, think of all the competitions they could have...
Submitted by Snarf on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 3:13pm.
Idea for new reality TV show! The Real First Wives Club, starring Brandi Cibrian, Camille Grammer and Tammy. (Andy Cohen: if your reading this, call me)
Where are all the good looking lesbos at?! And how does Melissa keep getting women to nibble on her old, stale kibble?
Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
-Ash
Wow, you get a new bag of dicks when you get a new partner.
All this drama is entertaining and all TL, but enough with the damned haikus. Just say what you want to say and STFU.
----------------------------------
Menage a NO! NO! NO!-MK
i shaved
it
it
itches
the robin
kisses the sunrise wheres
my
remote control
Tammy, the fake lesbian's best revenge is to get right back on the tube steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner....after you take this dyke assed Lothario for BANK of course...and what are you waiting for? Gitchu a lawyer and but quick...and then, get you a one eyed worm gynie exam...It'll change your life....
**********************************
Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
I'd be happy to have just ONE dick right now. You're so ungrateful, Tammy Lynne!
***********************************************
And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name like there could be an us. I'd best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love, I'm the only one in love.
Adele, "Heart to Stone"
"
damn tammy cannot catch a break...
melissa made her have twin kids, stop her career, (I'm going to assume FAKED breast cancer) and left her dry for another ho?
why didn't she just have the bitch killed! it would have made her and the other bitch look better!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.twitter.com/arianamarie
oh white people...
Lezblogspeak, Its just pretentious enough to make fun of.
***
Submitted by angel_i on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 6:11pm.
@P.T.and Mani:
See now THAT's a poem I wanna read!
@P.T.and Mani:
See now THAT's a poem I wanna read!
♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/
i have a
confession
i kept the 12
inch double-ended black dildo
and told melissa
it had been back
ordered
i feel like rain on
daffodils today
pooper stings now
Why did she call her? She should have just kept her mouth shut and kept the dicks for herself.
Submitted by mcnightmare on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 4:33pm.
what i didn't understand
til just now
is that i write like
a lesbian.
*************************
LOL!
Sometimes
I do
as well.
♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/
I didn't read everything she wrote, it was giving me a headache. The only thing I really care about is why a lesbian would want a dildo? Vibrator, I get. Or if she's bisexual, I get the dildo thing. I just didn't think a lesbian would want to simulate straight sex? I'm just (obviously) not following.
Damn, Melissa. What a piece of shit you and that person are. Team Tammy Lynn.
Tammy Lynn still needs to get a job, though.
***********************************************
And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name like there could be an us. I'd best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love, I'm the only one in love.
Adele, "Heart to Stone"
"
Poopele
Your avie looks like Ted Williams
What is this, "Pooper Magazine"?
Is it for people who don't give a shit?
What a dumbass. Dildoes should only be delivered to the P.O. Box..
Nobody sends me nice things in the mail.
I'm acquainted with a chick who thinks ME not only walks on water but also parted the Red Sea and made manna fall from the heavens, so it would be interesting to get her take on this Major Lesbian Drama. She was ready to sic an assassin on Julie Cypher ten years ago. I just don't feel inclined to get in touch with her.
******************************************
"Sometimes the dick is so good you want to put their name on your checking account."
Submitted by mcnightmare on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 4:33pm.
what i didn't understand
til just now
is that i write like
a lesbian.
hahaha. No, I understood all that.
that was an awful lot of blahblahblah when the obvious response is who gives a flying fuck?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It sounds like I'll need to be drunk, stoned and suffering from a minor concussion to deal with this fuckery. MK - November 2008
oh, i know
a soon to be
father
(no surrogate involved)
who
just writes
in this
style
I prefer no caps myself, don't know why, it's an oldtimer-www-geek-whatever-thing. And I make fewer mistakes. I still like dicks, but not in a box. But I guess that quote should be the topic for 2011.
Why not have a real dick instead?
*************
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
— William Goldman
each one of those paragraphs could be edited down to one sentence. WTF?!
oh, i understand
being angry
over Melissa's hypocrisy
she says to speak truth yet
she lies and betrays
what i didn't understand
til just now
is that i write like
a lesbian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://alisoncecilejohns.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/pomloplum?feature=mhum
PS. Is that homewrecking hussey the daughter of Jay Leno... The chin...?
Her ex is cute enough, but my heart belongs to SamRo, but not in 'that way'.
Also, am I reading it correctly that Tammy moved out of her own house?
PPS: Considering Rosie, and now this, do lesbian computers not have upper case on them?
This is useful information. Glad to know Melissa and her new piece aren't just scissoring.
Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON
Maam, when the U-Haul pulls up, there is ALWAYS someone else. Otherwise the U-Haul wouldn't be there.
Now, I know I am a clueless straight guy, but just how many dildos does a healthy lesbian couple go through in a month? Sounds like they should set up a corporate account at batteries plus.
As always, its nice to be a nobody when one's personal life is in tatters and its not in the media everywhere. Its all the same to me, but maybe Tammy could have found a middle ground between keeping secrets and mass media--but I am glad she didn't.
Submitted by thebutlerdidit on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 3:17pm.
Every gayelle I've ever known was a drama queen. Yes, it's a generalization, but really is true from my POV.
=============================================
I agree. I had a lesbian friend from out of town who was visiting NYC and wanted me to see her. Normally I would take the train in from NJ but I was recovering from major surgery. She didn't believe me and said that I didn't want to see her because she is a lesbian. I told her she was welcome to come to my house but she just had a big hissy fit.
I love this story more than life itself.
_________________________
Oh, I
Could tell you why
The ocean's near the shore
Looks like Melissa decided she wanted to be "the pretty one". Linda sure looks like Hulk Hogan in drag.
Maybe Tammy can turn this stuff into a book of poetry. Suggested title: "A Dick in the Hand is Worth Two on the Counter and Other Words of Wisdom."
"I have your new dicks on my kitchen counter", you can't make this shit up!!! This could be a hit song or even a new reality show.
Submitted by Santa Ana Winds on Tue, 01/18/2011 - 3:45pm.
********************************
it is becuz
they think
they are truly tied
to the island of Lesbos
and therefore
they must be
daughters of Sappho.
Alas,
they are just bimbos
who feel deep things
in deep places
on deep days
and then type.
♥ Threadkilla!
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
~Thomas A. Edison
Own a Ford Hybrid? Be afraid:
http://www.nearescape.ca/