How Does GOOPY Do It?
Don't you constantly ask yourself every single day how esteemed actress/lifestyle deity/country music superstar/perfect mother/10-star gourmet chef/fashion icon/insufferable cunt snob Gwyneth Paltrow does it? Fishsticks somehow manages to successfully conquer a morning filled with: getting Nectarine and Torah to school, feeding her soul to the serpent beast that is Tracy Anderson, picking out the perfect $200 tea towels to go in the service kitchen, yelling at the east wing maid for starching the robe given to her by the Dalai Lama, recording a country song that will debut at #1 as soon as she puts her breath on the mic and writing a soon-to-be award-winning piece for GOOP. And she does all of this while her head is shoved up her ass! Clap. Clap. Clap.
I thought my mornings were hectic and all I have to do is Fabreze the pee spot I left on my bed and wipe the dried-up tears off my face with a Clorox Wipe.
In this week's edition of Perfect Rich White Woman Weekly, Fishsticks and two of her friends (Juliet de Baubigny and Stella McCartney) document a day in the life of a working mother. Yup, THIS BITCH just doesn't know. You can read the entire mess over at GOOP, but here's a few dingles. Read it while farting out the chorus to "I'm Every Woman."
Got Apple all fed and dressed in her uniform and ready to go but no sign nor sight of Moses at 8 am and we have to be out of the house by 8:20. I went up to arouse the little man from slumber and he quite happily got up and crawled into my arms. We got downstairs and I made him a quick breakfast of eggs and toast followed by a spoonful of lemon flavored flax oil that I try to remember to give them both every morning.When all was well I dodged off as fast as possible but was still late to the 9 am workout. Did dance aerobics for 45 minutes then all of the butt lifts and the like. Rushed upstairs to have a shower, doing my post workout stretch while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair to combine activities/save time.
Got home and had a fitting with super stylist Elizabeth Saltzman for the upcoming Nashville trip (what to wear, what to wear?) from 1-2. This is my 4th out of 5 fittings for this trip. We tried on a myriad of dresses and outfits, and I had b.o. by the end of it from wrestling with all of those dresses.
At 4pm, my weekly owners' and managers' call takes place for the Tracy Anderson Method with our brilliant CEO Stephanie Stahl taking the lead. I basically listen and try to learn. Kiddies burst through the door and play in my office while I finish up, just drawing and hanging out and of course playing Plants vs Zombies on the iPad, their obsession that I have to limit like crazy! What up, gamers. Then downstairs to make cupcakes for tomorrow’s bake sale. It is ‘Bonfire night’ in the UK tomorrow and the bake sale is to celebrate and to raise money for charity. We decide on vanilla cupcakes with pink icing and green icing (from Tate’s Bakeshop cookbook with the icing from American Desserts cookbook).
The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance! My night to lay with Mosey so I tuck Apple in, say a prayer and go into Mosey's room for a story, foot massage and quiet time. As soon as all was quiet, I rushed downstairs to grab a blazer and some blush and flung myself in the car for girls night.
Fishy also lists a few tips for saving time which include:
1. Schedule your time well. When I know what I am doing from hour to hour I get more done. Write it all in the day’s calendar, what you want to accomplish and in what time frame.3. I cook a lot, especially on the weekends, so I like to plan a rough menu for the whole weekend and get the food in on Friday. Obviously stores and websites that deliver make this a dream. In London I use Ocado. Also James Knight, my favorite fishmonger, will deliver. Having all of the ingredients means I'm prepared even when I don't think I am.
4. I always lay the kids uniforms and school things out the night before once they are asleep. When it’s quiet I can check the "kid list" for show and tell items to bring in, consent forms, ballet kit, etc, so that the morning is less of a scramble.
But Fishy missed a very important tip: Make sure you come flying out of a wealthy lady's vagina at birth (or marry a millionaire), so that later on in life you can hire a team of nannies to take care of your kids while you write ALL THESE FUCKING LISTS OUT.
And it's a real shame that working mothers can't read Fishy's pearls of wisdom since they are too busy working a fucking second job to put generic peanut butter on the table.
• 
Submitted by daisy100 on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:34am.
"I want to punch her in the face while pulling her hair, combine activities, save time."
_________________
LMFAO!
<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>
"I am going to rock myself in a corner in my Slanket now." - Plecostomus
Submitted by thegobbler on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:05pm.
Fuck you in the face, cunt!
===============================
OMG! i cannot wait to get to say that to someone! fuckin lol!
After I put the lil ones to bed, I DODGED OFF to the bedroom where I promptly replaced the FUCKING STICK UP MY ASS with a freshy.
_____________________________________________
"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"I will re-name jackhat, PantyClaus." 12/16/10 BRADIFUL BITCH
*get's Jack's lil man outta bed*
****************************
"I truly believe that I was born to be a dumb grouchy stoner slut, and I am slowly becoming a bigger one each and every day, so thank you."MK
Submitted by M.E.: "If kids are being fed a balanced diet, they do not need Flaxseed oil you dumb cunt."
M.E., I bet those kids do NOT have a balanced diet, though.
They probably don't get red meat (which I old-fashionedly believe children need) and they probably get too much tofu which fucks with their hormone levels. I bet you anything she restricts their fat intake, which is probably not necessary, since I doubt they are eating McDonald's and Oreos.
I find that if I'm not careful I will impose my low-carb preferences on my kids, which is not cool. Because kids need carbs and will burn them off hella faster than my 40 year old wreck of a body will. I am SURE she does that, too.
Submitted by Molotov Cocktease on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 12:02pm.
your mess of a spouse is trying to convince you they did a bunch of shit during the day when really all they did was beat off and play video games.
------------------------------------------------
OMG you know Mr. Gobbler???
------------------------------------------------
Earth tones and neutrals can get out of my way.
Submitted by TexnDoc on 12/05/2010
I keep reading "arouse the little man" and think of the little man in THE BOAT!!
and I automatically hate anyone that says "I DODGED OFF..."
POW!
_____________________________________________
"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"I will re-name jackhat, PantyClaus." 12/16/10 BRADIFUL BITCH
i also wondered where the fuck is her husband in all of this?
-------------------------
'fuck you guys. i'm goin' home.'
Why is she bragging about being so boring.
I like seeing Gwinnie in movies... but that's where it should end. She obviously has way too much time on her hands if she's able to write such a detailed account of her day. Live your life girl, please don't write about it though.
From Juliet de Cuntigny-worse than Gwynnie's day, if you can believe it:
"4.Condense your appointments: find a great salon that understands time pressure and can accommodate your schedule. I have a great salon near me that I can go to at the end of the day to have a facial, manicure and pedicure at the same time. I'm in and out in 70 minutes. Not relaxing but efficient. Same for other appointments. I have acupuncture at 9.30pm at night. It's a wonderful end of the day."
------------------------------------------
Fuck you in the face, cunt!
------------------------------------------------
Earth tones and neutrals can get out of my way.
Submitted by TexnDoc on 12/05/2010
Jesus people- there is so much in there to bitch about. 'Fishmonger' is not one of them. It's just what we call the person we get the fish from.
does the foot massage arouse Mosey again?
****************************
"I truly believe that I was born to be a dumb grouchy stoner slut, and I am slowly becoming a bigger one each and every day, so thank you."MK
Bitch is starting to age and her over-processed hair is fly-away country.
Perfect Rich White Woman Weekly LMMFAO:
Hmmm yah, I believe I'll take all the bullshit and wonder of actually living over denail to the point of delusion any fucken day.
I'd love to see this twat even TRY to handle a morning, let alone an entire day of any Dlister. She wouldn't last half an hour.
________________________________________________
"This is straight up fuckery."
His Holiness MK, 9/03/08
ahahahahhaha you guys are too funny!
****************************
"I truly believe that I was born to be a dumb grouchy stoner slut, and I am slowly becoming a bigger one each and every day, so thank you."MK
my mom used to make me take flax seed oil and fish oil. BLEH!!!!!
and why would you feed kids who aren't used to having it sugar right before bed time?? makes no sense.
i can't hate on the foot massage. well, FOOT massage is a little over t he top, but massage is really nice for anybody, and very relaxing so helps t hem go to sleep. they teach baby massage classes, i mean, w ho wouldn't want to pamper their kids if they have the time.
and lastly- nobody in the real world has days like this more than once a year. PFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTT
-------------------------
'fuck you guys. i'm goin' home.'
@Submitted by DeeDee on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:42am.
Submitted by daisy100 on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:34am.
I want to punch her in the face while pulling her hair, combine activities, save time
_________________
She forgot to mention teamwork. *holds GOOPY's arms while you poke her eyes out*
---
Let me help you out *stomps on her foot with high heels*
I really want to punch this bitch in the throat.
charlie m, you're right, this bitch must be drink! This shit does have that sad delusional feel to it, like you get when your mess of a spouse is trying to convince you they did a bunch of shit during the day when really all they did was beat off and play video games.
*********
BTW does anyone else feel as if Chris Hansen will pop around the corner and go "why don't you have a seat" every time you click on Drunken Stepfather? - messageinabottle
She goes into Mosey's room for a foot massage? Does Mosey give it to her or vice versa?
I'd like to punch her in the face over and over again while singing "Killing in the Name Of" at the top of my lungs.
Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:59am.
Well, naturally! LOVES IT!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
I ♥ Jacko.
"arouse the little man"??
I really hope she means "rouse"...
1. Schedule your time well
3. I cook a lot, especially on the weekends, so I like to plan a rough menu for the whole weekend and get the food in on Friday.
4. I always lay the kids uniforms and school things out the night before once they are asleep.
THANK YOU SAINT GOOP!!!! I WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE THAT OUT MYSELF
Submitted by Deb on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:43am.
Ashley Buggersford, my favourite chemist, delivered my boysenberry enema bright and early!
______________________________________________________
Afterward, it was off to the loo for a thorough internal cleansing. Because I never waste a precious second of the day, I decided to revisit some Shakespearean classics on my next generation iPad, not available in stores. I was ever so fortunate to have Steve Jobs messenger it to me. Freshened up with organic bamboo toilet paper from Thailand.
Ok, enough pontificating, I need some liquor.
-LOVE ANDERSON
PUKE...
I'm sorry, but I'm a mother, I have 2 kids I need to get ready for school each morning as I get myself ready for work, plus the dog, the cat, covering the couch with tarps cuz the big bitch is in heat, making sure all the lights are off, TV's off, etc.
Things do NOT go smoothly every day. It's just not happening, shit happens and you have to roll with it.
A foot massage for a 2/3 year old? Are you fucking shitting me?
I just can't with this cunt.
WOW - Perfect Rich White Woman Weekly, so aptly titled by MK. Now that was time stolen from my life that I won't get back. I guess we should be glad she's not complaining about being 'a single mother' like the x-girlfriend of Hef (he name escapes me).
How did Blythe Danner birth such a snob? Maybe I'm misreading mom - but she projects herself as a fun almost free spirit person or maybe she's just a great actor.
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAH JACK! THE BEST!!!!
****************************
"I truly believe that I was born to be a dumb grouchy stoner slut, and I am slowly becoming a bigger one each and every day, so thank you."MK
I can't believe I read that whole thing. At least I learned a new word: fishmonger.
On a less manic day, this would be my couple of hours in the office to work on GOOP, come up with ideas, write/edit and go over scheduling, travel, whatever else I have going but I have no time so I just pop the old cabeza in to see if there are any deadlines or fires that need putting out"
CABEZA DE PESCADO!
Anyway, I skimmed the whole thing and didn't notice anything about her husband
****************************
"I truly believe that I was born to be a dumb grouchy stoner slut, and I am slowly becoming a bigger one each and every day, so thank you."MK
Submitted by charlie m on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:52am.
------------------------------------------------
LOL Great minds, Cholly.
------------------------------------------------
Earth tones and neutrals can get out of my way.
Submitted by TexnDoc on 12/05/2010
This fucking bitch.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Well-behaved women rarely make history
Submitted by kokoskitten on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:47am.
--------
Its really easy to get your toys away when you know your parents are richer than fuck and you can just spend the afternoon playing with the Ipad instead.
This could all be true except for the fact that she left out the following:
1)The Maid who cooks and cleans up the breakfast.
2)The Nanny who takes them to school.
3)The fact that the sylists go to her (most normal people have to go to the stores to shop)
4)She doesn't run errands like normal people(must be nice to have EVERYTHING delivered)
5)Again, Maid or Nanny cooking dinner
6)Yeah, like she cooked the cupcakes
7)Where is your husband in all of this?
If I just had to "show up" for her daily events, I could too have the perfect life!
She's GOT TO be kidding me! What?
"The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance! "
How is sugary cupcakes and brown rice a balanced meal for a child???
And the rest..I'm just stunned that she's got the balls (I'll give her that) to call that work! And what exactly are the kids doing between 16.00 and bedtime? Just floating around quietly sprinkling fairy dust?
Wow just wow. Does she hope to become popular with the masses with this mess?
Submitted by stank on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 11:43am.
Like I say, said, keep saying most of these obscenely wealthy celebrities were born into money and privilege and have nothing but contempt for US. And we stalk them, take pictures of them, blog about them because they live the fairytales we believed when we were children. I'd like to take Gwyneth Paltrow and set her ass down in Compton for a minute and see what flowery words come out of her rich stuck up self afterwards.
__________________________________________
I would LOVE to see her lecture some inner city school with her thoughts on going organic and flax seed oil and fish-mongering and how it could turn their lives around etc. If they only knew the benefits of a high fiber gourmet bran muffin or a home made facial with organic blueberries, oatmeal and honey their lives could be better and "empowered" !!!! She would get shanked in 30-45 seconds.
"while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair" like the picture above, Gwen. it's after 12 noon in the UK now, Gwen. start drinking.
settle down charlie m. did your daddy hate your momma? maybe she was a filthy whore like oksana...Submitted by lovethejared
A day in the life: by jacko.
Aroused myself in bed. Didn’t work out (shocker!). Took a shower, shaved and scampered off to my meaningless job. Sarcastic banter with the other crackheads on dlisted for 4 hours. Took lunch and iced down my cooler with beer, had a sammy. Another 4 hours of useless bullshit. Went home, got drunk. Passed out. /repeat
_____________________________________________
"poor jacko, trying to struggle thru this world with one eye and the womenz just keep fucking his shit UP!" snowpiece 11/25/09
"I will re-name jackhat, PantyClaus." 12/16/10 BRADIFUL BITCH
doing my post workout stretch while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair
------------------------------------------------
Judging from this pic, Gwynnie: CONDITIONER: UR DOING IT WRONG. Ain't no fuckin magic there.
------------------------------------------------
Earth tones and neutrals can get out of my way.
Submitted by TexnDoc on 12/05/2010
I've just spent the last 10 minutes thinking if there is a more annoying celebrity. There just isn't one. Most celebrities are annoying but no one is this pretentious and delusional.
Oh my sweet fuck.
Ya know, I was always ambivalent toward this thing until now.
Thanks, Michael K, for making me homicidal today :o\
<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>
"I am going to rock myself in a corner in my Slanket now." - Plecostomus
Tangerine and Torah. That was brilliant MK!
She might be a snob and totally out of touch with reality but I think she has an enviable life. Well apart from having a husband who is never home and cheating on her, her life is excellent.
So much for her fancy-pants UES education. She uses the word "myriad" incorrectly.
The fuck does a 3 year old need a foot massage for? I'm sure his privileged ass had an even less stressful day than she did! How many years do you have to massage a kid's feet? Until they leave for college or what?
Loved that she ends the day throwing on a blazer and heading out for girls night! You Superwoman, you!!
"I went up to arouse the little man" have another drink, Gwen
settle down charlie m. did your daddy hate your momma? maybe she was a filthy whore like oksana...Submitted by lovethejared
She forgot to mention her bowel movements.
"Perfect Rich White Woman Weekly" <-- Bwahahahahaha yes!
I couldn't even read through that shit. I was falling asleep by the third sentence.
The only "work" I see is her weekly meeting where all she does is listen and try to learn - blech. And the fact that she admits she left "a myriad of dresses and outfits" stunk up with her own b.o.? Disgusting.
Holy shit there have been a fuckload of posts about this cooze lately.
Shut the fucking fuck up, biotch. I bet my single mother who raised two "adventurous" (read troublemaking)children while working two jobs and going to school would laugh herself silly if she read this bullshit. You get your kids off to school, fuck off trying on dresses, feed your kids and put 'em to fucking bed. A-MA-ZING.
*********
BTW does anyone else feel as if Chris Hansen will pop around the corner and go "why don't you have a seat" every time you click on Drunken Stepfather? - messageinabottle